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Original poster

Is a bad childhood a genuine excuse?

35 replies

beatrixk · 15/10/2022 16:13

I've been with my fiancé for 2.5 years. Things started off well and we are due to get married in February.

Over the last year I feel like he has changed. He is moody, seems unhappy and gets frustrated at very small things. I've started to feel like I don't enjoy being around him and his mood swings.

He doesn't ever get violent with me and he isn't verbally abusive either. But he makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells because of how moody he is and how something small can trigger him. He can be very abrupt and rude to others. I feel like I can't plan our days off because I don't know what mood he will be in. He will blame anyone and anything rather than take responsibility most of the time.

I've discussed this with him and he blames his upbringing. He is currently no contact with both parents and says they were both very abusive towards him when he was growing up. I've tried to help him face these problems and he's also had therapy and medication. He does take responsibility for some actions and says he will change, however generally nothing improves long term.

I'm starting to feel like this could actually just be an excuse and an attempt to get sympathy. The problem has got worse and worse over time and now I'm worried that this is actually who he is as a person. He wants to start trying for a baby and the wedding is booked for Feb next year. I'm worried this could be a massive mistake.

Am I being harsh?

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 15/10/2022 16:21

No. Listen to your gut. I would be reconsidering the wedding.

ApocalypseNowt · 15/10/2022 16:22

No, you're being sensible. For not much off half your relationship things have been going downhill. No meaningful improvement.

I'd suggest cutting your losses now.

Watchthesunrise · 15/10/2022 16:26

This seems harsh, but to me a bad childhood is one of the things I'd pay most attention to prior to getting married. More so than 'bad with money' or 'drinks too much'. Unless he's had a lot of therapy, you're going to end up as his therapist. And your kids too.

Fairislefandango · 15/10/2022 16:27

It might be at least partially a reason, but it's certainly not an excuse. Nobody should stay in a relationship where they are made to feel like they are walking on eggshells, regardless of the reason their partner behaves that way.

Yes you would be making a MASSIVE mistake to marry this man and have a child with him. You do not owe him a relationship, whatever his childhood was like. His behaviour will only get worse once he knows you are more strongly tied to him. Now should be still almost the honeymoon period. If this is how he behaves now, just wait until you're tied to him by marriage and a baby, and he doesn't feel the need to moderate his behaviour at all...

MerylSqueak · 15/10/2022 16:28

No it's not an excuse. I had a bad childhood and focus on not passing the misery on.

40andfit · 15/10/2022 16:28

Listen to yourself. Having a child is a real strain and trial in the best relationship never mind a poor one. Do you really want your children to have to walk around on egg shells around their Dad?

NightNite · 15/10/2022 16:32

MerylSqueak · 15/10/2022 16:28

No it's not an excuse. I had a bad childhood and focus on not passing the misery on.

I think there are hugely varying levels of 'bad childhoods'.
It might take decades of therapy to get to the root of his problems.
It's not the OPs job to fix him so she might be wise to move on.

Highschoolprobs · 15/10/2022 16:33

Yes an abusive childhood is a very common cause of personality and mood problems in adults. Look up adverse childhood experiences. BUT this is not an excuse to treat others badly. As adults we have a responsibility to acknowledge how our behaviour affects others and to work hard towards improving our mental (and physical) health. You can not control his behaviour and you will be hitting your ahead against a wall trying to. You either accept that this may be your life with him (and that of any future children) or you cut your losses and move on.

blitzen · 15/10/2022 16:33

Do Not have a baby with this man. Do Not marry him. Time to split up. It will only get worse. Good luck xx

Keroppi · 15/10/2022 16:33

No, it is an explanation but not an excuse. Do Not!!!!!! have a baby with him. He needs to take responsibility and go to a childhood trauma centred therapist regularly and be open and willing to Do The Work. Parenting classes etc. Vulnerability. Until then, you simply should not be creating a child with him - he will immediately step into his parents roles or have an internal fight against that, creating a horrible atmosphere and strain on you.

myexisawanker · 15/10/2022 16:34

It might be a reason but never an excuse.

He can choose to work on himself to resolve it rather than ticking the therapy box and he hasn't.

This isn't going to improve once a baby throws a grenade at your relationship and he's under more pressure. Chances are his experience of being badly parented will play out in his parenting. I'm not saying abusers always abuse, but that he won't have any model for empathetic, calm, child needs led parenting. He may feel his own needs needing to be put on the back burner and he will likely react to that, in an emotional tantrum of sorts and that will get thrown at you.

I'd get out now tbh. I wasted 15 y of my life making the mistake you can avoid here.

Highschoolprobs · 15/10/2022 16:37

@myexisawanker couldn't agree more. OP really consider how he may parent your children, not just if you are together but if you split up and you can't be there all the time to balance him. I think before anyone considers having a child with someone they should consider what kind of coparent that person might be in the event of a break up.

Bookaholic73 · 15/10/2022 16:37

No, never.
I had 5 years of intensive therapy to overcome my childhood, to make sure it didn’t effect my children and future partner.

AuntieStella · 15/10/2022 16:42

It's not an excuse, but it is a reason.

You are not his therapist, and presumably are uninterested in occupying that role.

And you're unhappy.

Do not have a baby. Postpone the wedding, or cancel it completely.

You need to decide if the state of things is a complete deal-breaker, or if you're prepared to stick around for a while to see if he really will take the steps to heal himself (and only when that work is done re-audition him for a major role in your life - don't get fobbed off with the faked future of either grand intentions or starting something and flaking after a fortnight)

Always remember you have choices

Ekátn · 15/10/2022 16:45

It’s not an excuse.

It’s not even a reason. If you are in a place you can’t be decent to people who you supposedly love, because of your past, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship until you have dealt with it and you are in a place where you can be with someone without treating them bad

Treating people badly and making them nervous then saying ‘well I can’t help it’ isn’t ok.

Chicheguevara · 15/10/2022 16:46

I was abused as a child. Stabbed by mother! I had a ton of therapy as I didn’t want to drag my past into the present or to cause issues to my partner or family.

FMSucks · 15/10/2022 16:48

While it’s good that he acknowledges he had a bad childhood (believe me it’s a lot better than someone in complete denial) at some point you have to be an adult and sort this out, be it through extensive therapy, research etc. whatever works for you. Using it as an ongoing excuse for shitty behaviour is unacceptable. There is no reason in this day and age where we have so much information at our fingertips to not sort your shit out. I would be extremely wary of marrying him OP. If there are cracks now they will become craters when children come along. I wish you well x

Always4Brenner · 15/10/2022 16:50

If it’s bad now imagine five years down the line you exhausted treading on egg shells with kids in tow no you leave now.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 15/10/2022 16:50

It can definitely be a reason. But here's the thing. If his childhood was so bad that it's affecting his personality this much, then he needs proper therapy to sort himself out. You are his partner, NOT his therapist. Don't fall into the thankless task of trying to "fix" him.

It's very sad, OP. But better to find out now than after you're married with a baby.

charmingthebirds · 15/10/2022 16:55

You say you feel you're walking on eggshells.

I had a father that made us all walk on eggshells.

It has left me with a constant battle against anxiety, which was probably hard-wired into me as a result of growing up with his behaviour.

Please do not subject a child to this treatment, and please also reject it for the good of your own mental health.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/10/2022 17:36

OP, I survived a childhood that would make your hair stand on end.
It is NO EXCUSE for the appalling behaviour your fiance is displaying.

The fact that he is using it as a get out of jail free card is as worrying as the behaviour itself. He is not taking responsibility for his own actions & may as well have said to you "you already had the honeymoon period, I've got you now so can show my true colours & I expect you to tolerate abuse & put all your needs aside to pander to me & my moods."

Please don't look at the forthcoming wedding as any part of a sunk costs fallacy.
This poor behaviour will escalate.
Abuse always does as critical points live engagement, cohabitation, DC ...

Don't stick around trying to 'fix' him either OP.
Your job is not to mend bad, broken men. Your job is to find a good man, & be happy.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/10/2022 17:38

He wants to start trying for a baby
See above re: patterns of escalating abuse.
He wants you trapped - barefoot, pregnant, & in the kitchen ...

and the wedding is booked for Feb next year. I'm worried this could be a massive mistake.
Call it off FFS. The warning signs could not be more apparent & alarming. This man will make you utterly miserable.

Bananalanacake · 15/10/2022 18:01

Can he move out, who owns your property. Don't have a baby if you are not sure.

WakingUpDistress · 15/10/2022 18:19

It might not be an excuse, esp as he has had therapy and medication for it.
It is also totally possible that he can’t just snap out of it and radically change his ways just because he has decided to do so.

This doesn’t mean you have to accept and live with someone that is moody and makes walk on eggshells. Regardless of the causes for the behaviour.

Have you told him before that you can’t carry in living like is? What did he say?

Sunnytwobridges · 15/10/2022 18:21

Definitely. My dysfunctional childhood (domestic violence, narcissistic parent, etc) has affected how I handle relationships and make decisions in life. I wish I’d gotten therapy when I was young.

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