Is a bad childhood a genuine excuse?

[beatrixk]

I've been with my fiancé for 2.5 years. Things started off well and we are due to get married in February.

Over the last year I feel like he has changed. He is moody, seems unhappy and gets frustrated at very small things. I've started to feel like I don't enjoy being around him and his mood swings.

He doesn't ever get violent with me and he isn't verbally abusive either. But he makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells because of how moody he is and how something small can trigger him. He can be very abrupt and rude to others. I feel like I can't plan our days off because I don't know what mood he will be in. He will blame anyone and anything rather than take responsibility most of the time.

I've discussed this with him and he blames his upbringing. He is currently no contact with both parents and says they were both very abusive towards him when he was growing up. I've tried to help him face these problems and he's also had therapy and medication. He does take responsibility for some actions and says he will change, however generally nothing improves long term.

I'm starting to feel like this could actually just be an excuse and an attempt to get sympathy. The problem has got worse and worse over time and now I'm worried that this is actually who he is as a person. He wants to start trying for a baby and the wedding is booked for Feb next year. I'm worried this could be a massive mistake.

Am I being harsh?

Don’t marry him, I had one of these and it escalated rapidly once our baby came along. Walking on eggshells is a hideous way to live and it’s not up to you to fix him. He has got comfy with you and his true self has appeared.

OP don't marry him. I have complex trauma from a brutal childhood and have realised I can't cope with relationships. I am fine on my own and with friends but awful in relationships. Moody, bad tempered etc and have decided I don't want to live with another man.
Brutality and neglect can change you as a person and it is not good for children to be born into this.
He cleay has not had enough counselling and is not coping. It's a long haul.
buts it's also not your problem. .

Do not marry him. Do not have kids.

it does not matter why he is like this, just that he is.

He sounds abusive. That's all on him I'm afraid.

Don't marry him.

Yes, childhood trauma can cause anxiety, depression and mood disorders, but that doesn’t mean the person gets a get out of jail free card, they need to take accountability for their behaviour and actions and seek therapy and medication to counteract this.

I had a fairly traumatic childhood, but it made me kind and empathetic, but I did therapy to make sure that generational trauma does not effect my now unborn child.

I agree with everyone else, do not marry him and do not have a child with him.
My ex had an abusive childhood and when it came to the crunch he just could not be a proper parent to our dc, try as he might.
My wonderful new dh had a fabulous childhood. I have never met another man who had such a good relationship with his father and my god it shows through. It was one if the reasons I married him as I knew he would be stable and reliable.

We have discussed it multiple times. He will blame anything possible other than take accountability himself. If he has to accept the blame he will use the excuses of stress at work, financial problems, his childhood, or even blame me if he can. This is why I've become so fed up of it and see it as just an excuse.

Im happy to lose the money we've paid for the wedding if that's what I need to do.

He will blame anyone and anything rather than take responsibility

Speaking plainly you’d be fucking nuts to marry someone of that character.

@beatrixk - please watch this, and ask your fiancé to watch it as well.
It's an excellent way to reframe this

You are very very lucky that you are not married to this man and that you don’t have his children

our childhood shapes us and that is true but what you are starting to see is his true character

please don’t be one of those women who believes a man will magically change once he has a baby etc - a baby is a huge stress on even the strongest of relationships

also your gut instinct is there to protect you from harm. It is alerting you to something and it would be madness to ignore it

the guy is unlikely to change as it is very hard to change your personality or inbuilt characteristics

I hope you manage to make the right choice. You should have a little look at abusive traits to see if he shows any as I’m sorry to say if he witnessed abuse growing up he has a v v high chance of repeating some of that abuse