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Original poster

Ex miserable in his arranged marriage, contact.

35 replies

Roksanad · 14/10/2022 19:31

More than 10 years ago I was in a relationship with a foreign student I met at uni..we were on the same course. His family never approved of us being together. He was from a culture when arranged marriage is common and this was expected for him.
He graduated, we split as I got fed up of being his dirty secret. He pretended to parents he'd dumped me but didn't. Wouldn't commit to me or take me to his country to meet them,, despite claiming he loved me and wanted to marry me. He was from the middle east.
After graduating he went back home and was engaged to a cousin within weeks.
Married soon afterwards.
Every few years since then he emails me complaining how depressed and miserable he is, how he should have been stronger and stood up to his parents etc.
I usually reply and just wish him well and say you made your choice so live with it.
3 weeks ago he emailed again after silence for couple of years. I didn't reply and he's followed it up with several emails since, asking why I'm not answering and whether I'm ok.
I told him many times to stop contacting me behind wife's back as its very disrespectful.
What do he expect to achieve from keep crying to me in depressed emails?

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 14/10/2022 19:42

Just block him. It's perfectly easy.

The only reason you haven't done so is you are getting some kind of satisfaction or ego boost over the fact that he's unhappy. If you were that bothered about his wife you'd have done so.

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/10/2022 19:44

Block

inheritanceshiteagain · 14/10/2022 19:44

Block him and his pity party

Yesthatismychildsigh · 14/10/2022 19:48

What does he expect? Wank fodder and possibly, if he’s over here, a shag. That’s all you ever were. Seriously - he’s a creep and quite predatory. Tell him to fuck off or you’ll forward his messages to his wife. Then block. Sorry if I sound harsh but it’s probably the best way to give a boot up the backside.

mathanxiety · 14/10/2022 20:05

Everything @Yesthatismychildsigh said.

You are very likely not the only woman he contacts, hence the break of a few years.

Block.

Move on with your life.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/10/2022 20:09

Another vote for blocking. He treated you badly in the beginning and hasn't stopped. He's probably getting off on it.

User1014 · 14/10/2022 23:21

Block, delete, and leave him in the past. I think he's pining for what you once had, but he made his bed. Reaching out to you every few years is very strange, and he clearly hasn't fully moved on from it all and isn't fully satisfied in his marriage.

However, he is still married to her. Why let him drag you down or drag you into this mess all these years later? Because if you engage in this, at some point or another, you WILL get dragged into a messy situation, and it's one where you're never going to get your fairytale ending.

JustKittenAround · 15/10/2022 04:34

Oh damn well… he can be unhappy until the following:

  1. A BIG DESPERATE DUMMY with low self esteem let’s him enjoy her intimacy/time, whist he enjoys the many perks of his domestic relationship. Big DUMMY for real.
  2. He finds no BIG DUMMY (desperate or otherwise) and learns to work on himself and his commitments.
  3. He finds no BIG DESPERATE DUMMY, and remains unhappy. Grows a backbone to handle his life like a man and shoulder the fallout and shame of the choices he ultimately made.

don’t be the BIG DESPERATE DUMMY

PS you’re not the only one he’s messaged and to come at you with this type of BS shows he thinks you’re only good as a very cold barely considered side dish.

Raise your bar. You are a tasty main course! The hell is wrong with you girl?!!

JustKittenAround · 15/10/2022 04:42

PS Yes, you’re a BIG DESPERATE DUMMY if you entertain this married man who rejected your ass any further.

He only saw you as a dirty nothing. Get your head right and block him cold. Let him send a message and then just block and delete, he didn’t respect you as a dirty secret he won’t for sure as a big desperate dummy. kill him in your mind.

He forgot about you for so long.., how many dirty secrets did he go through until you?

ghost him hard. Gather the crumbs of self respect you have and keep on moving forward, this ole piece of nobody man is just going through his list.

if it makes you feel any better he will be trying to find any big desperate dummy or dirty dummy secret he can. He will never be happy. He is going through his life feeling cheated even though he could show backbone and live authentically. He is NEVER going to be happy and he will die unfulfilled. Such is the lifecycle of the narcissistic and the cowardly.

Usou · 15/10/2022 06:45

Sounds like he's sexually incompatible with his cousin...whoever would have thought?

It's baffling that so many women cannot grasp that as a kafir, they are fit only for one thing and would never be considered as serious marriage material.

An acquaintance had an Iranian "partner" who died. She was completely excluded from any funeral arrangements and eventually discovered he had a wife and family back home. She was nothing more than a "dirty secret" as you mention.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 15/10/2022 07:03

Like you said, he made his choice. He's now living the (entirely expected) consequences of that.

Ongoing contact isn't helpful. Over the past 10 years your life has moved on. I imagine your previous relationship with him is distant past to you now, and you are a very different person to when you were together (as I assume he has changed a lot too). He is trying to pretend there is emotional intimacy there still, but there really isn't.

I would block him from emailing you again. You may want to send a last email saying you are well and you don't want to hear from him again, up to you.

If he is unhappy in the life he chose, he really needs to focus on finding solutions to that, not seek emotional/ ego boosts from distant ex's.

I feel sorry for his wife.

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/10/2022 08:16

Some harsh responses.

Why do people from the UK not understand that men from the Middle East also have emotions and they fall in love just as men from the UK/West do?

Some of the responses on here are implying that the OP is stupid and the EX is using her and that their relationship was not genuine.

I have a friend from Iraq and I remember meeting her cousin years ago who was visiting from Canada; he must've been around 40 at the time. He was in an arranged marriage but had recently been in contact with a woman from Poland with whom he had been in a relationship when they were students years before (he had done a medical degree in Warsaw iirc). He had ultimately dumped her due to same family pressure your XP was facing, OP. However, when he made contact years later, she sacked him off as she was now happily married. I remember him crying about her to my friend and me. it was really sad, he truly loved her and being in a lacklustre arranged marriage just made it all the worse.

However in these cultures, if you go against the societal norm you are often cut off and that is also a hard cross to bear.

I hope you have been able to move on yourself OP.

prettydesertflower · 15/10/2022 08:56

He is reeling you in to be side-chick. The relationship won’t work but you could be a pleasant diversion when he visits the UK.

RoachTheHorse · 15/10/2022 08:59

I have an ex who does this every so often. I block him. Then new email a year or two later I block him again.

It's actually been a good while now since I've heard. Maybe after 20 years he's finally got the message 🤣

Igmum · 15/10/2022 09:00

Agree some of the comments are harsh but they are definitely right when they say don't get drawn in. He may regret his marriage but if he didn't go against his family earlier he won't now. He's still in the same unwilling to commit space that he ever was. I hope you have moved on OP. If not, please do.

marcopront · 15/10/2022 09:07

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/10/2022 08:16

Some harsh responses.

Why do people from the UK not understand that men from the Middle East also have emotions and they fall in love just as men from the UK/West do?

Some of the responses on here are implying that the OP is stupid and the EX is using her and that their relationship was not genuine.

I have a friend from Iraq and I remember meeting her cousin years ago who was visiting from Canada; he must've been around 40 at the time. He was in an arranged marriage but had recently been in contact with a woman from Poland with whom he had been in a relationship when they were students years before (he had done a medical degree in Warsaw iirc). He had ultimately dumped her due to same family pressure your XP was facing, OP. However, when he made contact years later, she sacked him off as she was now happily married. I remember him crying about her to my friend and me. it was really sad, he truly loved her and being in a lacklustre arranged marriage just made it all the worse.

However in these cultures, if you go against the societal norm you are often cut off and that is also a hard cross to bear.

I hope you have been able to move on yourself OP.

The comments may be harsh but he is a married man making contact with a woman who was in love with him.

She appears to have two choices
Have an affair
Not keep in contact

What do you suggest?

FrozenGhost · 15/10/2022 13:11

The only reason you haven't done so is you are getting some kind of satisfaction or ego boost over the fact that he's unhappy. If you were that bothered about his wife you'd have done so.

This, although I don't blame you, I got a slight vicarious smugness just reading the post, I'd feel the same way if it was my ex.

Thing is though, you don't really know if it's genuine. He may be happily married (or at least happy enough/content, same as most people in relationships) but sees you as potential for chatting and a shag so he's feeding you this story. For this reason alone, block.

DatingDinosaur · 15/10/2022 13:49

Like you said, he’s from a culture where arranged marriage is what is expected and he has complied with his cultural and family traditions. Like you also said, it was his choice whether or not to comply and he chose to.

It really isn’t your problem that he is unhappy, particularly if he’s not going to remove himself from the situation he has placed himself in (and probably won’t because of cultural and family traditions) and face ostracising himself from his family.

You’ve told him not to contact you and the reason why, yet you keep replying when he does. Why is that?

Give it closure properly now by telling him not to contact you again and that you will ignore him if he does.

Then block.

And stick by that.

Both your lives have moved on in totally different directions and the relationship/friendship has run its course. You’ll never get back what you once had, even if he did uproot his life to be with you. Too much water under the bridge.

Ultimately, he’s a married man complaining to another woman at how shit his marriage is but he won't/can't do anything about it. Apart from using you as an unpaid counselor.

Brigante9 · 15/10/2022 13:51

Do you enjoy the attention or something? Block him, he’s married. Imagine how his poor wife would feel if she knew about his whinging!

Mumofnarnia · 15/10/2022 13:55

Nah he knew perfectly well that he would most likely be entering a marriage with someone his family arranged for him long before he ever met you. I’ve been through exactly the same as you, only now I’m much older and wiser and can see it for what it really is. He will most likely have known from a very young age he would be expected to marry someone his parents chose for him.

You were just there to pass his time until he got married. The arranged marriage was always on the cards. Whether or not he is miserable in his married life is a different matter but it’s not your problem. Like you said, he’s being disrespectful to his wife by contacting you behind her back. Block him and don’t take anymore of his petty.

Sorebackandibs · 15/10/2022 14:01

Usou · 15/10/2022 06:45

Sounds like he's sexually incompatible with his cousin...whoever would have thought?

It's baffling that so many women cannot grasp that as a kafir, they are fit only for one thing and would never be considered as serious marriage material.

An acquaintance had an Iranian "partner" who died. She was completely excluded from any funeral arrangements and eventually discovered he had a wife and family back home. She was nothing more than a "dirty secret" as you mention.

What's a Kafir in this context?

I've googled but there are many different definitions.

NewDogOwner · 15/10/2022 14:09

He wants you on the side.

ShahRukhKhan · 15/10/2022 14:40

The responses on here are very much from a western viewpoint.

I don't think you can understand the power of family and community/cultural pressure unless you are from that culture. If he had not followed his family's wishes he would likely have lost everything the family, friends, community, his identityand he was probably brought up believing that these things are more important than his own wishes. That is incredibly hard to go against. We can't understand it in the west because our culture is so different.

I would feel pity for him but not blame or judgement that he is reaching out to to an alleviate his misery. I have many friends trapped in unhappy arranged marriages. It is such a different set up than western marriage.

That said, if you don't feel comfortable with it, just don't respond, or tell him as much then stop engaging.

ShahRukhKhan · 15/10/2022 14:40

@Sorebackandibs Kafir= non-muslim

Itisbetter · 15/10/2022 14:52

He’s just a dickhead. It’s nothing to do with being “from the Middle East”. There are countless happy mixed faith/race relationships. They don’t involve dickheads. Why on Earth are you corresponding with a married man like this?