Page 2 | Ex miserable in his arranged marriage, contact.

Roksanad · 2022-10-14T18:31:24+00:00

More than 10 years ago I was in a relationship with a foreign student I met at uni..we were on the same course. His family never approved of us being together. He was from a culture when arranged marriage is common and this was expected for him. He graduated, we split as I got fed up of being his dirty secret. He pretended to parents he'd dumped me but didn't. Wouldn't commit to me or take me to his country to meet them,, despite claiming he loved me and wanted to marry me. He was from the middle east. After graduating he went back home and was engaged to a cousin within weeks. Married soon afterwards. Every few years since then he emails me complaining how depressed and miserable he is, how he should have been stronger and stood up to his parents etc. I usually reply and just wish him well and say you made your choice so live with it. 3 weeks ago he emailed again after silence for couple of years. I didn't reply and he's followed it up with several emails since, asking why I'm not answering and whether I'm ok. I told him many times to stop contacting me behind wife's back as its very disrespectful. What do he expect to achieve from keep crying to me in depressed emails?

Ekátn · 15/10/2022 15:01

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/10/2022 08:16

Some harsh responses.

Why do people from the UK not understand that men from the Middle East also have emotions and they fall in love just as men from the UK/West do?

Some of the responses on here are implying that the OP is stupid and the EX is using her and that their relationship was not genuine.

I have a friend from Iraq and I remember meeting her cousin years ago who was visiting from Canada; he must've been around 40 at the time. He was in an arranged marriage but had recently been in contact with a woman from Poland with whom he had been in a relationship when they were students years before (he had done a medical degree in Warsaw iirc). He had ultimately dumped her due to same family pressure your XP was facing, OP. However, when he made contact years later, she sacked him off as she was now happily married. I remember him crying about her to my friend and me. it was really sad, he truly loved her and being in a lacklustre arranged marriage just made it all the worse.

However in these cultures, if you go against the societal norm you are often cut off and that is also a hard cross to bear.

I hope you have been able to move on yourself OP.

I am from one such culture. Though my mum wasn’t.

I disagree. If you decide to go down the route of giving in to family pressure, you don’t then contact someone you didn’t treat. Wet well from years ago to make you feel better.

Of course people enter these marriages and regret it and it’s incredibly sad to be forced into an unhappy marriage. That doesn’t mean you should try and pull someone else into the middle of it.

Tsort · 15/10/2022 15:44

How have you not just blocked this idiot?

Grumpusaurus · 16/10/2022 01:16

Tough shit for him! He made a choice and gave in to family pressure. That is on him. That may be his culture but not yours and he let you down terribly. I personally would only respond once along the lines, you made your bed now stay in it and do not try to come back into mine. I have middle eastern friends that put their partners first and stood by them. They are happy and deserve to be. This spineless wonder can live with his choice.

HighlandPony · 16/10/2022 01:29

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/10/2022 08:16

Some harsh responses.

Why do people from the UK not understand that men from the Middle East also have emotions and they fall in love just as men from the UK/West do?

Some of the responses on here are implying that the OP is stupid and the EX is using her and that their relationship was not genuine.

I have a friend from Iraq and I remember meeting her cousin years ago who was visiting from Canada; he must've been around 40 at the time. He was in an arranged marriage but had recently been in contact with a woman from Poland with whom he had been in a relationship when they were students years before (he had done a medical degree in Warsaw iirc). He had ultimately dumped her due to same family pressure your XP was facing, OP. However, when he made contact years later, she sacked him off as she was now happily married. I remember him crying about her to my friend and me. it was really sad, he truly loved her and being in a lacklustre arranged marriage just made it all the worse.

However in these cultures, if you go against the societal norm you are often cut off and that is also a hard cross to bear.

I hope you have been able to move on yourself OP.

This. They’re only saying that because he’s a man. I’m friends with two sisters who are in arranged marriages though not with immediate family, more people from their place of worship who have business dealings with their father. One is married to a man 15 years older than her. The younger ones husband actually sets my gaydar ringing sirens. They had boyfriends they had to keep secret otherwise there would be consequences, excommunication from their community, shunned by family who would see it as a slight against their honour, left with nothing and no one. It goes both ways whether it’s the man or the woman. The women are just conditioned more to accept it. It’s a shit situation for both parties. Neither chose each other. They aren’t marriages they have more in common with a business transaction.

Ekátn · 16/10/2022 04:32

HighlandPony · 16/10/2022 01:29

This. They’re only saying that because he’s a man. I’m friends with two sisters who are in arranged marriages though not with immediate family, more people from their place of worship who have business dealings with their father. One is married to a man 15 years older than her. The younger ones husband actually sets my gaydar ringing sirens. They had boyfriends they had to keep secret otherwise there would be consequences, excommunication from their community, shunned by family who would see it as a slight against their honour, left with nothing and no one. It goes both ways whether it’s the man or the woman. The women are just conditioned more to accept it. It’s a shit situation for both parties. Neither chose each other. They aren’t marriages they have more in common with a business transaction.

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It doesn’t actually go both ways. It’s, usually, an open secret that the young men are dating.
if it ever become obvious, it’s simply denied. The same as men who continue to see their girlfriends after the marriage, are turned a blind eye to.

Do you really believe the 2 men your friends married didn’t have some agency in those marriages?

Men, often, get more say in the marriage. And have more freedom after. The chances this man’s wife would email their ex looking for attention and sympathy are extremely low, because there’s far more risk to her. If he cheats do you really think he faces the same consequences his wife would?

And again, I will say what I said above. Yes many people in these marriages are miserable. That doesn’t entitle you to keep trying to pull someone from your past into the middle of it. Especially, when you messed them around for years in the first place. When he knew all along how it was going to end.

It’s sad if he is miserable. That doesn’t mean what he is doing to the Op is fair or right. She is not obligated to be support for him because he isn’t happy.

and you do realise there’s a good chance he is reaching out to the Op in the hopes of rekindling their romance. Which would have Op in the position of OW. He isn’t going to leave his wife. Again, men having mistresses in these communities is an open secret and quite common. Not everyone does, obviously. But where it is happening, people often know and pretend they don’t.

It’s really not the same.

MidnightConstellation · 16/10/2022 06:06

I've come across this several times, always men. They had arranged marriages they really didn't want and it made them desperately unhappy. I don't think the comments about this man's motivations are fair or kind. It sounds like he is absolutely miserable and can't see a way out, but its not the OPs problem. Just block him and leave him to sort out his own life. He has made his bed.

HighlandPony · 16/10/2022 10:34

Ekátn · 16/10/2022 04:32

It doesn’t actually go both ways. It’s, usually, an open secret that the young men are dating.
if it ever become obvious, it’s simply denied. The same as men who continue to see their girlfriends after the marriage, are turned a blind eye to.

Do you really believe the 2 men your friends married didn’t have some agency in those marriages?

Men, often, get more say in the marriage. And have more freedom after. The chances this man’s wife would email their ex looking for attention and sympathy are extremely low, because there’s far more risk to her. If he cheats do you really think he faces the same consequences his wife would?

And again, I will say what I said above. Yes many people in these marriages are miserable. That doesn’t entitle you to keep trying to pull someone from your past into the middle of it. Especially, when you messed them around for years in the first place. When he knew all along how it was going to end.

It’s sad if he is miserable. That doesn’t mean what he is doing to the Op is fair or right. She is not obligated to be support for him because he isn’t happy.

and you do realise there’s a good chance he is reaching out to the Op in the hopes of rekindling their romance. Which would have Op in the position of OW. He isn’t going to leave his wife. Again, men having mistresses in these communities is an open secret and quite common. Not everyone does, obviously. But where it is happening, people often know and pretend they don’t.

It’s really not the same.

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Aye but they’re still forced into it. And like I said I’m 99% sure the younger ones husband is actually gay. How much say do we think he would have had? Did he go to school and think “I know what I want from life, married at 21, five kids by 29, living at my in laws and working in their takeaway, that’s it. Jackpot”
Right about the older sister as her husband is much older but all young people are treated as commodities. Young men as well as women.

MidnightConstellation · 16/10/2022 13:41

HighlandPony · 16/10/2022 10:34

Aye but they’re still forced into it. And like I said I’m 99% sure the younger ones husband is actually gay. How much say do we think he would have had? Did he go to school and think “I know what I want from life, married at 21, five kids by 29, living at my in laws and working in their takeaway, that’s it. Jackpot”
Right about the older sister as her husband is much older but all young people are treated as commodities. Young men as well as women.

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Very true

JustKittenAround · 17/10/2022 05:00

Not trying to be kind in any harsh response I give here and it’s not because I’m unfamiliar with such cultures.

EVERY single person giving commentary on this with “oh but the culture “ BS is telling on themselves in a big way. If this was about the culture then they’d understand that trying to step out and garner any attention from their once DIRTY LITTLE SECRET is beyond bounds.

They can be unhappy, most actually are… but if you come here and ask a question be prepared for the truth from all who reply. Namely, like it or not but this man could have stood up to family, he didn’t, now this poor faceless woman is saddled wth a man who feels like he can sniff up all his dirty secrets with a sob story.

worse than that? Dummies will take this as an implied compliment to them! As if his regret was brought on by missing them! Laughable!

Ill go ahead and let “OMG culture” folks keep on, but the facts are already laid bare. Whataboutism and the like only serve to take focus from the facts of this situation… keep trying though!

CrispyNoodles · 17/10/2022 05:57

Just block him - simple 🙂