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Original poster

Will moving in work with different parenting styles?

64 replies

Bethanylia · 14/10/2022 18:32

This is long winded but I would really appreciate anyones thoughts, opinions experiences because I'm in a place where I don't really know what I'm thinking.

I met my bf in May after several weeks of phone chats, texts and facetime following online date site and we hit it off quickly. I think he is funny, kind, respectful, great chemistry and he makes me feels very comfortable even though I have self esteem issues. He works hard and is also a single parent to his 2 children (5&10).

He talks about seeing that we could potentially have a future together and thinks over the next year or two of moving in and blending our family together. But honestly something isn't sitting right with me. I understand that as different people we choose to parent slightly differently and that's fine but in my opinion we are worlds apart.

I pick my sons (3) lifestyle to help him to be confident, loved, happy and to include myself and his dad who are on the same page. He has a routine for bedtime, eats a variety of food (not just healthy but take out and chocolate too lol), we have friends to hang out with and I take him when he is not at nursery to activities like playgrounds, community groups, swimming etc. I am picking his school based on how I feel he would do there even if I have to drive a few miles instead of walking and although I am strict about behaviour he is very rarely told off becuase I do my best to teach him to be independent but also kind.

Bf on the other hand is completely opposite. Kids go to the closest school even though it is in a "needs improvement" category and it shows by their complete lack of education. They don't have manners, eat any good food, clean their rooms and leave the house is a disgusting mess which bf doesn't care about. The oldest is nice if a bit clueless but younger (5) is horrid tbh. He is rude and nasty and aggressive, behaviour I would not tolerate. And they stay up all night watching ipad and at the weekend just gone I clocked 10hours in one day which isn't unusual.

Hypothetically if we were childless we get along in every way and in our relationship there is no red flags, but to look at his house and kids there is so many flags I couldn't count! It makes me worry for how a deeper relationship would make my son either miserable because they lived together with separate rules and boundaries or he would start to copy this behaviour and I would go mad.

I'm not trying to say I am a perfect mother and he is not. Of course I love mine but am not blind to mine having tantrums and bad behaviour occasionally as a normal part of growing up. I just don't know how to deal with the thought of living together with all 3 kids being full time in one home or would it be the beginning of the end for us? Even though the issue would be about blending not between us.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2022 22:12

I don’t think the mess and endless hours on iPads is unusual, it’s often a case of while with dad it’s “fun time” so no set rules and routines.

I managed to get some structure but it took a lot of fall outs first - bare in mind I wasn’t asking for much just reasonable bedtimes, a structure to our day (rather than in pj’s all the time and not being able to go anywhere because SD wanted to “chill”), not eating junk food right before bedtime (after she threw up and I had to clean it up) and a little reduction in screen time.

I don’t know where to start with this. My parents are divorced, my dad never behaved like this. My husband has children with his ex, he’s an exceptional responsible father. I have divorced friends and none of the men are incapable of maintaining routine, healthy eating, homework, housework, bedtimes. Their penises don’t get in the way of being able to care for their children. These basement low expectations of men don’t do anyone any favours.

I’m glad you were able to improve things but children rarely appreciate a new partner instigating change that make their lives less fun and flexible and I wouldn’t have hung about to try and beat some basic standards into him. There are plenty of other men out there and I want an equal partner with shared values, not a project.

excelledyourself · 14/10/2022 22:26

He's barely even qualifies as a parent, by the sounds of him.

MaxTalk · 14/10/2022 22:32

This relationship is going to end. Do the right thing and walk away asap. He sounds like a waster.

Thelifeofawife · 15/10/2022 01:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2022 22:12

I don’t think the mess and endless hours on iPads is unusual, it’s often a case of while with dad it’s “fun time” so no set rules and routines.

I managed to get some structure but it took a lot of fall outs first - bare in mind I wasn’t asking for much just reasonable bedtimes, a structure to our day (rather than in pj’s all the time and not being able to go anywhere because SD wanted to “chill”), not eating junk food right before bedtime (after she threw up and I had to clean it up) and a little reduction in screen time.

I don’t know where to start with this. My parents are divorced, my dad never behaved like this. My husband has children with his ex, he’s an exceptional responsible father. I have divorced friends and none of the men are incapable of maintaining routine, healthy eating, homework, housework, bedtimes. Their penises don’t get in the way of being able to care for their children. These basement low expectations of men don’t do anyone any favours.

I’m glad you were able to improve things but children rarely appreciate a new partner instigating change that make their lives less fun and flexible and I wouldn’t have hung about to try and beat some basic standards into him. There are plenty of other men out there and I want an equal partner with shared values, not a project.

I’m not saying it’s a standard across single fathers, simply that it can be quite common from what I’ve seen on here.

My ex isn’t like this, he very much has structure and boundaries. Though when we first split he did make it mostly play time and go a bit OTT on the gifts front knowing I couldn’t anywhere match it.
But then I’m a pleasant ex who doesn’t make him feel like a rubbish dad at every opportunity and try to play “which parent do you love best” with my child (unlike DH’s ex).

It has been a bumpy road that’s for sure. I don’t think I could ever do it again if I had to start over

Kanaloa · 15/10/2022 02:26

He’s a rubbish dad and a rubbish housekeeper. If he moves in with you he will still be a rubbish dad and housekeeper, except it will now affect you and your son. It will then cause arguments based on his kids being treated different to yours/your standards being different than his.

I mean carry on as you like, but be ready to be back on the step parenting board going ‘my step kids trash the house regularly, don’t follow any rules, ruin my life. My dp never helps clean after them and doesn’t bother to parent them, what shall I do?’ And the answer will be why did you move in knowing this?

Think of it as a gift. You can avoid all this in the future.

BoxOfCats · 15/10/2022 03:32

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2022 22:05

There are red flags everywhere. Lots of us are wondering what you see in someone you describe as such a fucking awful parent. We’re only going off your opinion of him and the picture you paint isn’t pretty.

This was literally my thought as I was reading the opening post. I can understand what you see in a man who sounds like such a mediocre parent. You have completely different values. This isn't just about whether your living situations are compatible, it's about whether you're compatible as life partners.

Sunnytwobridges · 15/10/2022 03:38

Please don’t do it for your sons sake. I dated someone with different parenting styles and was on the verge of moving in but knew it would be a disaster. Especially for my dd. I’m very glad I didn’t do it.

cathythegreat · 15/10/2022 03:41

No, I've lived this mistake and then moved out again with my children causing massive upheaval. Don't do it

deeperthanallroses · 15/10/2022 03:57

Nono no no. Doesn’t it totally change how you see him that he’s not looking after his children?

SpidersAreShitheads · 15/10/2022 04:28

I'm going to assume that the OP is being a bit harsh on her BF, and that maybe her description of his parenting is being coloured by the fact that she's so different.

If I'm wrong and he really is exactly as you describe OP, then you'd be utterly insane to ever consider it. I do suspect however, that maybe your description is a little OTT and unfair. If not, why are you with a man who's such a terrible and negligent parent...??

However, even if you are being a bit harsh, the answer is still the same. Your parenting styles are so very far apart, I can't see any future where this would work out well. Sorry, I know that's not the answer that you want to hear but harmonious parenting is essential and it's important that you at least broadly agree on the basics. This would be damaging for all three DC. Painful though it is, I suspect it would be better to knock this fledgling relationship on the head unless you feel comfortable with the idea of not moving in together until your children have grown up and left home.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2022 05:08

Don't waste your time with this man.

OperaStation · 15/10/2022 05:29

I’m afraid you are fundamentally incompatible.

Living with someone who seems to care so little for the welfare of his children would be a total nightmare. You won’t be able to change their behaviour and if you so much as try you’ll very quickly become the evil stepmother. Can you you live with them full time and spend the rest of your life turning a blind eye.

Your son will also begin to resent you if you have higher expectations of him than of the other two children.

It really does sound like a recipe for disaster.

Obviously there is nothing stopping you from continuing to date, but you need to be upfront that you never want to live together, at least while the children are living at home.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/10/2022 05:33

Don’t do it. This would not be in your sons best interests and that should be your primary consideration.
Spend some time reading the step parenting board on here.

And yes I’d lose respect for a parent like him. I can see what you would bring to the table in a live together situation but no idea what benefits he would bring. Lots of downsides though

ThisShipIsSinking · 15/10/2022 05:42

Blended families is not something l desire, it benefits the man more as he has another woman cooking and cleaning up after his kids, plus l love my own space and also respect the fact that my teenagers do as well. l agree that once kids are past toddler stage it becomes very complicated trying to please,everyone and expecting everyone to just get on. living seperately is good in that you have sole control of your home, parenting and finances, plus if they are in a mood you can send them back to theirs. Once the honeymoon period of living together is over, soon becomes stale and boring as well as suffocating.

Bramblejoos · 15/10/2022 06:26

I would move in when your DS is old enough ot to be influenced by feral SDCs ie an adult.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 15/10/2022 06:35

I would lose respect for any parent who thinks it's ok for his primary aged children to regularly spend 10 hours a day on the iPad. He sounds like he just can't be arsed with them.

Original poster
Bethanylia · 15/10/2022 06:56

The more I read I am starting to make up my mind. Just to help you all understand that when we first knew each other and then were dating of course I did not see any of these flags about the children which is why it is such a huge shock to me very recently. I understand that no two parents are exactly the same but as long as people have similar principles you can see the effort. I know he loves his children and can see that he does but parenting basics are just lazy.

Thankyou all for your very honest feedback. I asked for the truth and glad there hasn't been any sugar coating x

OP posts:
Worthyornot · 15/10/2022 07:09

No way would I inflict that type of household or children on my children. No man is worth that. Think about it, really think about it. You would be putting a man and your needs before your child's.

MrsMorrisey · 15/10/2022 07:17

It's really good that you are thinking about this and are open to other peoples perspective.
I reckon after about a month he would seriously piss you off and you'll wonder what you've done.
But it appears you already can see this.
It's a shame though isn't it, when you find someone you like but you kinda know it's not going to work.
You could try having a short holiday together.
That'll help you decide 😂

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/10/2022 07:24

When I saw the title, I knew that the OP's DCs kids would be wonderful and she would be a perfect parent and conversely the boyfriend's kids would be feral, bad mannered, badly brought up brats. It's always the case on here with everyone congratulating themselves on their superior parenting skills.

Bottom line: if you hate his kids, it won't work so do yourself, him and those poor badly brought up DCs a favour by kissing this one goodbye.

Ameadowwalk · 15/10/2022 07:26

Fireflygal · 14/10/2022 19:36

How are you able to respect a man who treats his children like this? I couldn't be with someone who isn't a good parent.

Both boys have a poor start to their lives due to their Dads neglect. Not keeping the house and letting then stay on devices is neglect.

Yes, agree with this. This man really needs to spend time parenting and tidying his house before he is spending time with you. His priorities are all wrong. You would end up being the housemaid looking after them all. I understand that if you have low self-esteem, your judgement may be off, but this man is failing his children, you are doing a great job of parenting your child and that is the thing you want to hold onto, not dilute by taking on someone else’s responsibilities.
And for all it was a throwaway comment by him apparently, he has still thought about it and is testing the waters. It’s a no, and I would honestly also be thinking about whether you are compatible as individuals - which I know is hard to question when you don’t have a good support system and probably value the company. But you also need to protect yourself and your son.

pictish · 15/10/2022 07:28

I will join the queue to vote no. It’s a perfect storm and there’s no need for it. Women rarely benefit from blended families but men do. More work for you, less for him…and if you have an issue with that, it will become about you hating his kids rather than his poor parenting and their awful behaviour. Meanwhile, your kids get dragged along for the ride.
Why would you?

KettrickenSmiled · 20/10/2022 03:30

Bf on the other hand is completely opposite. Kids go to the closest school even though it is in a "needs improvement" category and it shows by their complete lack of education. They don't have manners, eat any good food, clean their rooms and leave the house is a disgusting mess which bf doesn't care about. The oldest is nice if a bit clueless but younger (5) is horrid tbh. He is rude and nasty and aggressive, behaviour I would not tolerate. And they stay up all night watching ipad and at the weekend just gone I clocked 10hours in one day which isn't unusual.

Can you explain what it is you find attractive about this awful man who neglects his children so badly? Why TF are you with him? You've known him all of 5 months & seen this level of shit already - why are you giving him any of your precious time, let alone considering shacking up with him?

jimmyjammy001 · 20/10/2022 07:14

As everyone else has said, blended family's rarely work out and especially if you have different parenting styles, I couldn't be dealing with someone else's children mis behaving, eating crap all the time and no manner, that would rub off on my choldrand all the aged work I had put into raising them, I'd walk away and think about your own child priorities first

Original poster
Bethanylia · 20/10/2022 07:27

I forgot to post but just go let anyone following I am meeting up with bf and breaking up tomorrow.

The reason I asked is because for longer than we've been dating I've known him (and not met the children till recently) and there were not any red flags. They shocked me because the issues are the opposite from what I expected knowing bf for a long time. Also, I did not mention a few private details for the sake of the kids but the have not always had an easy childhood and I am more flexible with behaviour, as most people are while they deal with trauma.

I also had a chat with my mum who agrees that it would be for the best. I am a little heart-broken but know that the split is inevitable and don't want to hold on longer.

I asked for genuine feedback and it has matched my thoughts and cemented by decision so thank you everyone for honesty.

OP posts: