Feel that I have no way to leave domestic abuse

[Trappedinmylife]

I left a mentally abusive marriage 5 years ago it took all my strength and I nearly had a breakdown. I left with 3 small children and stayed in a refuge until the marital home sold. I had enough money left from the house sale to pay my rent and bills for 2 years in a new home, and am now working part time and receive universal credit. 2 years ago I met what I thought was a lovely man, he was very keen to move in though but I was not sure because of finances. 6 months ago he had to leave the house he was renting as the landlord wanted to sell and he also lost his job at the same time so he came to live with me. 3 months ago he started working again and pays a third of the bills. I have got myself into a mess as I had not informed universal credit that he moved in when he was out of work as he was not contributing. I have worked out without universal credit I cannot afford to feed my children and pay my share of the bills with my part time wage. I am in a dilemma. New guy said just don’t say he is living here everyone does it. I feel uneasy. That’s just half the story. The other half is that since he moved in he has been violent towards me physically and sexually. It started off small but I am now scared of him incase it gets worse. I don’t know how to get myself out of this situation. I am too scared to ask him to leave, I have no family or friends who would have me and the children to stay for a while, and I cannot go to womens hostel because of the universal credit situation I cannot tell them he is living here or I will get into trouble. I have a very small amount of savings from my grandma dying which would pay for a hotel for me and the kids for a month or an air bnb for a few weeks and kennels for my two dogs, but after that we would be homeless and I don’t want to put the kids in that situation. I cannot believe I have got myself into this mess. I had thought of calling the police but the violence is only minor like pinching and he says it’s a joke, and the sexual demands i give in to so he doesn’t get in a foul mood. The rest is verbal like swearing and being angry all the time. He also drinks which I wasn’t aware of until he moved in. I’m scared I will get flamed for this post but I really need to find a way out of this mess for me and my children. Any advice appreciated x

You need to get him out. Phone them police and tell them what you’ve said here, just get him out.

Call the police. Pack his bags when he goes goes. Get the locks changed.
Call womens aid for advice. You can do this - for you and for your children.

If he's not listed as living there then surely you can just change the locks and leave his stuff outside? Perhaps inform the police first? Somebody more knowledgeable will be along shortly I'm sure but didn't want to read and run x

Will I get in trouble with the police though because he is living here? And I’m scared if they let him go he will come back the the house. I feel like taking my children and run but I have no where to go. My house is rented and in my name.

Phone womens aid. They will have had many women in the same situation regarding not informing that a partner has moved in.

Give them a ring.

Sadly you left one abuser only to end up with yet another one, it’s not an uncommon scenario. Your boundaries here, already damaged by previous abuse, are being further mashed by this man now. A man who also targeted you deliberately to abuse.

Phone both the police and Womens Aid today for their help. You need to get this dangerous man out of your home and life. He can and should be removed from your rental property, he is not named as a tenant on it so he has no right to remain there. This is no life for your kids either. What on earth are they learning about relationships here?.

Why would you get in trouble with the police for he living there?. You won’t but he will continue to abuse you and in turn your kids if you remain with him.

Once he is out of your home spend a lot of time on your own with your children and embark on therapy for your own self. Love your own self for a change. Do not embark on any further relationship with a man until you have recovered from his and your ex husbands abuses of you, a process that could now take years. Do look at the Freedom Programme as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships before.

Honestly the police won't care less that he is living there and you haven't told UC. They won't even ask.

Speak to the police and tell them you are going to get him to leave and you are scared of his reaction. Report his physical and sexual abuse if necessary.

Bag his stuff up and tell him to go. The moment he raises his voice call the police 999

If he continues to pester
You after he has left get an injunction.

Okay you're scared and that's fair enough.

Please, simply have the locks changed when he's out, get the £80-odd quid from somewhere. I borrowed it from a friend once and paid back when I got paid.

When he tries to get in inform him he's been kicked out and if he persists, have him arrested. In my experience the police come quickly when you tell them your other half you've ejected is banging the door down.

Then apply for a restraining order from him, contact women's aid around getting legal aid, which you are entitled to.

Do that, as soon as you can.

No you won't get into trouble, because you are a victim of coercive control, and the authorities do understand such things now.

He's not living there.

He's bullied you into letting him stay for a while, which you did under duress, now you are kicking him out.

The police don't care about whether he lived there anyway, if he's not a tenant legally all they will do is arrest him for breach of the peace if he bangs your door down.

What I've said is straightforward and unfortunately I've got personal experience in it. (thank goodness I turned my life around)

Soon as you can, change locks
get a friend to stay with you perhaps or agree to be on hand when he comes aknocking.

Soon as he refuses to get off your doorstep it's 999 'hello my ex boyfriend is banging my door down while my children are home, they are scared, please come and arrest him'

they will

Go to Women's Aid or phone domestic abuse helpline and ask them to help you get approved for legal aid to apply for a non-molestation order against the man who has been arrested for banging your door down.

Then if he comes anywhere near you he can immediately be arrested.

We hope this gets rid of him but if he does want to take this further you may be eligible to be rehoused.

Don't worry, many of us have been there, don't be ashamed, just course correct.

And don't ever think you need him. He wants you to commit benefit fraud and possibly be imprisoned away from your children, all for his benefit? Absolute scum, and that's without the physical abuse and drinking.

Please do as all the pps have advised, at this point trouble with UC is the least of your worries, get him out now! It's not even close to £80 to change the locks, less than a tenner per door and watch a YouTube video.

@AttilaTheMeerkat always has great advise, posts from her gave me great encouragement to leave my abusive husband 5 years ago, best thing I did

Thank you so much for the replies. I have been feeling so ashamed that I have got myself in this situation.

how do I tell him to leave? I am so scared of his reaction. He will be so angry because he has no where else to go.

This isn't your problem. He's a grown man.

Call the police.

Where he goes is not your problem. You are not responsible for him in any way and besides which you’ve all suffered at his hands.

call the police today and have him removed.

You don't.

You change the locks while he's out and refuse him entry.

When will you have an opportunity to do this?

If you're going to say you can't, then you need to do it another, more difficult, way.

You could call the police and ask that they come to your address because there is likely to be a breach of the peace when you eject your ex from your home. They might come then too, especially if you tell them children are involved.

Then you do it with them there. They come when bailiffs call for the exact same reason.

I don't see why you'd do it that way though given he will still have a key to your house and it's a hell of a lot messier.

I think if you call the police and say you're scared, have been abused etc they will arrange to be there with you when you tell him to leave? Or will tell him to leave for you. My DD left the house and phoned them from where she was, they went to the house and made him leave so she could go back. They actually arrested him because of the abuse and he was in jail overnight and only bailed on condition of staying away. She also got the locks changed that day.

Don't be ashamed at all, it's what these men do they make us think they're ok. But you are strong enough to do this and you will be ok!

You will not get into trouble. He i not a nice person and don't let him get to you. If he works, get his stuff out. You don't owe this piece of shit anything

You will not get in to trouble and you need to doit as soon as you can

Wait until he's at work next, then get someone to change the locks. Then message him to say it's over, his things are outside and you will call the Police if he causes problems. He's not in control of you, you are.

And please don't get into another relationship. Take some time to heal.

Remember it is his fault you need him to leave. The fact he has nowhere to go is not your problem. He can go to a hotel if he has nowhere else. You need to protect yourself and your small children.

The police won’t care about the UC situation. Explain it to Women’s Aid and they will help you sort it out.

Don’t face him alone. Explain to the police that you need help removing a physically and sexually abusive partner. Do you have anyone at all who could come a stay with you for a little while? Any trusted female acquaintances?

You did really well to get away from your previous abuser. You can and will manage it again.

Dont feel ashamed. He targeted you.
You are a victim of his actions, please ring police.
Maybe a neighbour would change the lock?

The house is rented in your name so you are allowed to get him out. Call the police and tell them he is abusive and you want him to leave but he won't go They will help you. Lock the doors after that and if he turns up you call 999 straight away You need to be strong and get rid of him

Great advice to change the locks while he’s out. That means he can’t just let himself back in in the future.

This. Call them and they will make him go

Thank you so much for the replies. I think the option I feel most comfortable with would be asking the police if they could remove him and then changing the locks. After my marriage I never imagined I would have to go through all this again. This time it’s even worse and the abuse is worse.

So are you going to ask the police to come and help you eject him?
When will you get the locks changed? Because if he has a key he could come back that same night.