Feel that I have no way to leave domestic abuse

[Trappedinmylife]

I left a mentally abusive marriage 5 years ago it took all my strength and I nearly had a breakdown. I left with 3 small children and stayed in a refuge until the marital home sold. I had enough money left from the house sale to pay my rent and bills for 2 years in a new home, and am now working part time and receive universal credit. 2 years ago I met what I thought was a lovely man, he was very keen to move in though but I was not sure because of finances. 6 months ago he had to leave the house he was renting as the landlord wanted to sell and he also lost his job at the same time so he came to live with me. 3 months ago he started working again and pays a third of the bills. I have got myself into a mess as I had not informed universal credit that he moved in when he was out of work as he was not contributing. I have worked out without universal credit I cannot afford to feed my children and pay my share of the bills with my part time wage. I am in a dilemma. New guy said just don’t say he is living here everyone does it. I feel uneasy. That’s just half the story. The other half is that since he moved in he has been violent towards me physically and sexually. It started off small but I am now scared of him incase it gets worse. I don’t know how to get myself out of this situation. I am too scared to ask him to leave, I have no family or friends who would have me and the children to stay for a while, and I cannot go to womens hostel because of the universal credit situation I cannot tell them he is living here or I will get into trouble. I have a very small amount of savings from my grandma dying which would pay for a hotel for me and the kids for a month or an air bnb for a few weeks and kennels for my two dogs, but after that we would be homeless and I don’t want to put the kids in that situation. I cannot believe I have got myself into this mess. I had thought of calling the police but the violence is only minor like pinching and he says it’s a joke, and the sexual demands i give in to so he doesn’t get in a foul mood. The rest is verbal like swearing and being angry all the time. He also drinks which I wasn’t aware of until he moved in. I’m scared I will get flamed for this post but I really need to find a way out of this mess for me and my children. Any advice appreciated x

Could I ask the police to make him give his key back? If not I guess I will need to book a lock smith and go to the police at the time the locksmith is there. I’m so scared of him coming back to the house. I guess that’s why I feel like I just want to run away from it all and for me to leave the house

Okay I get you.

It's not going to be easy. But the police will come to stop a breach of the peace but no, I don't think they will force him to give the key back and even if they did who's to say he hasn't already cut another key?

also the police are not relationship helpers, and while they will do things like this you seem to expect more of them than they are likely to offer.

So yes they will 100% turn up quickly mob handed and eject a rowdy bloke from your house, like I say, I've had this a few times (man I was a mess) and they will even come with you to collect your belongings but when they did they abandoned part way through after being very rude and rushing me. I was not able to get everything and they were going to leave me with my ex's friend alone in the house.

So while 'can you come and prevent a breach of the peace?' is likely to be a yes, 'can you come and force my ex to give me my key' that's likely to be a no.

This is why I said just change the locks, then if he makes a fuss outside you're hitting off to a great start because the police will come and will arrest him if he won't leave, and also you've then got clear grounds for a non-molestation order which then gives you clear grounds to call the police every single time he tries to come near you, and this increases the likelihood of this all being over.

Whereas if you ask the police to come and try to break up with him, he gives you a sob story and you end up saying okay then stay, the police won't help you stick to your guns, they'll just leave and will not take you seriously in future.

So I really urge you to take action and change the locks instead of breaking up with him in person and risking him talking you round and risking losing help from police part way through.

I'll give you an example. I was in a station with my ex, he was pushing me and calling me names and a lady who was a police officer ended up coming over and making it clear to him he better leave me alone or she would get very angry.

I said one word, I said 'wait' and she looked at me and went 'what? you want to be with him do you?' I said 'yes' and at that moment she washed her hands of me, walked away, and gave no more fucks about my situation that I had clearly got myself into.

They like arresting people but they aren't relationship counsellors or bouncers.

Another option I have thought of is taking the kids away for a “holiday” in a hotel for October half term. Then message him and say I want him gone by the time I get back at the end of the week.

@Trappedinmylife don't knock yourself so much. Many people I know have get themselves out of an abusive situation only to find another abuser. I got out of a marriage in this way (ended up in a refuge and the police helped me get back in my house and told him to leave) but my next bf turned out to be emotionally abusive and coercive; luckily I had support to kick him out that time... 2 of my girls have also had multiple issues with men. They always seem ok at first. I think there are just too many about it's like a pick and mix where most of the choices are the ones that will poison you! Good luck, you can do this!

Tbh I really think you'll be better off all round if you get the police involved. Don't try to handle it all yourself. Thinking of your other worry about UC I don't think you'll have to worry but it will give you more strength to your case if you need any; but also it will give this man a scare and he's more likely to leave you alone x

Op I think you have got some great advice and personal experiences too.

I really don't think you can change the locks as you mentioned that you are renting. I believe it's in the contract so please go through it. You can however ask the landlord and possibly pay for the expenses.

This could be ‘easy’ wait until he is asleep and take your house key off his key ring and replace with a similar looking key but one which is not a key to the lock - ask a friend for help. Then ring the police and say a man you were seeing have forced you to take him into a place you rent and is physically and sexually abusing you and raping you and you are terrified that he is going to physically hurt you - make it a 999 call and that you have children and can they please attend without sirens and remove him

or just ring the police and say the above and tell the officers that he has forced or coerced you into giving your key etc same as above

make it a 999 call and tell the police how terrified you are

Ps ask them to attend without sirens due to domestic violence

Thank you I am going to ask the police for advice. Thank you so much for the replies I don’t feel as anxious about the situation now. I just want him out of my home. I went through hell to get out of my marriage and I don’t want to be trapped again in another awful situation. I don’t think I will be dating again after this.

Well he should have bloody thought of that before he behaved like this towards you.

@derry That is a really bad idea. She should not be brining another woman to stay under some kind of assumption that she's somehow safer that way, and it's likely to put the other woman in danger. Angry men are strong enough to inflict damage on more than one woman.

If you want to stay in the same house OP, I'd contact a locksmith first and see if you can get them to come at a specific time. Then call the police and see what they advise.

Check with your local police force as to whether they have something like an IDVA or a safeguarding civilian type officer who can help with the immediate aftermath, help apply for any appropriate orders and provide you with safeguarding measures - can’t detail them here for obvious reasons as the idea is perpetrators don’t know.
Once you feel comfortable, look at disclosing the abuse to the police so his behaviour can be considered on a Clares Law for any future women victims.

Once this is over, also look at Cranstoun for some future support - they’re so much more innovative and future thinking than Harbour.

So sorry this has happened to you, these people prey on others in a very calculated and methodical way. It’s always to achieve a purpose or function on their end and no reflection on you. I hope you manage to get him out as quickly and safely as possible.

You absolutely can change the locks.
Provided you give copies of the new keys to the estate agents.

Do you really think if you say to them 'hey, there was a violent man in my home and I had to change the locks to keep myself safe' the landlord will be angry about you changing the locks? Of course not.

Change the locks. Inform the landlord as to why (and give them the spares) That way he won't be able to blag a new set from them.

@Pinkbonbon almost all contract's have a clause about not changing locks , not subletting and so on to protect the landlord.

Thankfully op you are the only one on the rental agreement so there is no chance that landlord is going to give him a spare key. How are you doing op? Did you manage to get the police to get him out yet?

I am going to call my local police station on Monday while he is at work for some advice. Thank you everyone x

Please take the advice everyone has offered. You are going to speak to the police please speak to Women’s Aid as well. If anyone should mention QC you were doing a friend a favour and he was supposed to leave once he found a job and he is refusing to do that. I am sure no one will ask anyway. You can do this x

See what help is available locally, the local authority I work in have a scheme that changes locks for victims for free and secures any other doors & windows if necessary.
You may be able to get an emergency injunction through National Centre for Domestic Abuse.
Police won’t ask about UC & may take his keys and give to you. Tell services he would not provide his full details to include him on the UC & you never intended him to become part of your household & he was controlling you.
When you are free of him please look into doing the Freedom programme, take care

You've been given some brilliant advice op. I just wanted to pop on and say that rather than trying to completely avoid a difficult confrontation, mentally prepare yourself that there will be one and make firm plans to keep yourself safe. I made this mistake with ex dp and bent over backwards to not anger him, not force a direct confrontation, allowed him to still visit the dc in my house after he left. In the end, the big showdown eventually came and although it was horrible, I really wish I did it earlier. Although these men seem big and scary when you are in the grips of abuse, they are really just tantrumming children angry that they are not getting their own way. Get your dc out of the house if possible, change the locks, phone the police, and get a male friend to be there if possible x