friendships affected by fertility treatment?

[heathwho]

Has anyone else had friendships go really sour when thier friends have been going thro fertility treatment? i supported my best friend throughout years of her treatment listening to all her lows and frustrations and then once I got pregnant it all went seriously wrong and she had become so bitter and twisted she refused to acknowledge my baby even existed. Please don't spit fire at me if you are going for fertility treatment about being me selfish, ungrateful etc as I've heard this all before - to the point that it took away alot of the enjoyment of me having my baby. I just need to know whether this has happened to other people as well and how did they deal with it?

It happened to me. Unfortunatly I lost a friend aswell. I know she had been trying for a baby for aboyt 5 years and the first course of IVF was unsucessful, then they were just about to try the second round when I got pregnant. (straight away)

At first I found it hard to pluck up the courage to tell her, and when I did she was cool about it, but then the phone calls and texts stopped, as did the lunchtime coffees (we worked in different departments at the same place) I tried, really I did, but she never returned my calls or texts, so I gave up thinking I might have been insensitive.. But surely she can't go around avoiding babies forever???

And I know when you mean about taking away the enjoyment as I started feeling guilty about catching straight away, but why should I, it wasn't my fault! Anyway DS is 16 months now, and I don't think she's concieved yet, or may have stopped trying. Who knows! Her loss really

God that last bit reads awful..

I meant her loss at not getting to know my son and losing a friendship... Not her loss at not havinga baby yet.. I'm not that horrible

I was from the other side, thankfully I had no close friends that were pregnant or had very young children, but while going through the fertility treatment I just had to distance myself from babies/pregnancy, it was the only way that I could cope. My step brother's wife had a baby while I was going through it all, I dont have much to do with them, but my Mum got quite involved with the baby, I told no one about our fertility treatments and my Mum later said that she thought we never wanted kids as I didnt seem to like small babies - how wrong could she be.

Its good that you have supported you friend so much, but this may be the only way she can cope and you shouldnt let it take away the enjoyment of having your own baby.

I had my son though ivf so i am very very lucky but i find it so hard even more so now when my friends get pregnant. I try not to show it but I have to admit it tears me up inside - although more so when it's people I know rather than close friends.
She has to deal with it there is nothing you can do unfortunatly..

I can also relate from the other point of view. I tried to get pregnant for 4 years and during that time my sister, SIL and several close friends conceived. I found the only way I could cope was to distance myself from them. I didn't want to be around them for the exact reason that I thought it may spoil their enjoyment of the pregnancy if they felt bad about me. It felt easier for all parties just to not see them.

However, I always found it easier once they had had the baby. It's hard to explain but once the baby was born it was then their baby whereas when they were pregnant I would look at them thinking "that could be me". Don't know if that makes sense really. Since I have had DD some friendships have improved but there are a couple that will never be the same again. Your friend may simply be trying to hold herself together. It's probably not that she resents you, just that she resents the fact that she can't get pregnant and she doesn't want to spoil your enjoyment of your baby.

thnaks for this - jodie you have it the nail on the head about feeling guilty - i didn't choose to be fertile anymore than she choose to be infertile but It seemed like I got all the blame for it - and at the end of the day i was doing the one thing that she wanted as well - but it was like I wasn't allowed to do it at all - just be there to support her rather than have a child of my own. Yes I saw first hand the heartache she went through so I know how difficult seeing babies was for her as it was all she would ever go on about. It just has left me very hurt about how bitter she became. I don't have baby pictures on my desk in case it upsets anyone, I never talk about my baby to strangers in case they are going thro fertility treatment - yes going thro fertility treatment scars people emotionally but I feel sometimes that how they relate to other fertile people can really hurt them as well (if you know what I mean?)

I know exactly how you feel - when my friend was going through (sadly unsuccessful) IVF treatment I tried to be as supportive as possible, but when I was pregnant she didn't ask me how I was for the whole nine months and didn't acknowledge my baby for several months.
Tbh I did find that hurtful, and it was sad to have something momentous happening in my life that I couldn't share with such a good friend.
However, I count myself as incredibly fortunate to have conceived naturally and quickly and compared with the pain my friend was (and still is) going through feeling a little bit hurt was nothing. I think with a good friend sometimes you have to take the long term view and provide as much support as you can when someone is in a painful place, even if you feel you aren't getting much in return.
I think fertility treatment can be very isolating and just when you want the support of your friends they start having babies, reminding you of what you have not got and making you feel like the only person in the world without one.
My friend (and her husband) have since said that they really appreciated my support and I'm sure your friend does too, even if she isn't able to say so right now.

Just wanted to say I completely relate to Lubyloo's post. When I was trying to conceive I had to see my best friend, my two cousins, three of my neighbours, my boss and (get this) my stepdaughter get pregnant and have babies. This really really wore me down. I also found it easier when they actually had the babies for similar reasons.

Go easy on your friend - it is so awful when you're desperate for a baby and it seems like everyone in the world is pregnant except you.

.......She did spoil the enjoyment of my baby as she refused to acknowledge she existed. She would never ask about her, never allow me to talk about her and would only see me if she wasn't there. If I did mention anything about my baby she would change the subject. In her view my baby was not important because she had been conceived naturally and therefore was nothing special and not worth being interested in. I had to carry on with my friend as if my life hadn't changed at all. I did this for so long and then realised my loyaltys really were with my daughter and I couldn't remain friends with someone who wished she hadn't been born

"Go easy on your friend - it is so awful when you're desperate for a baby and it seems like everyone in the world is pregnant except you."

Amen, twinkle. AMEN.

she didn't wish that. she wished that she'd got her turn in the queue too, and it hurts to be confronted by the fact that EVERYONE in the world is getting on with it and you're not. it's truly horrific, when the urge to be a mother isn't satisfied and turns in on you... really, you don't want to be on the planet.

I can't exactly relate to the way your friend was with you, because I still had a great interest in babies even if I was jealous as hell of pregnant women. But if things had gone on much longer (and it was 4 years as it was) who knows how I'd have ended up. I suspect it's self preservation on her part.

another one who went through years of ttc, and thankfully ivf worked once. still i feel so awful every time i hear about a pregnancy - utterly irrational, but it's like someone's stolen 'your turn'.
another friend of mine found the whole thing so hard she was off work for weeks with depression, literlly crawling round the floor & howling like an animal due to the emotional trauma - ivf drugs can really make you lose your grip.
i forced myself to go near bablies, but there's a whole 'what's the point' part - it's not mine, so what's the point in pretending. a bit like going to a wedding the same day as your partner's funeral. you know you shouldn't, but you just do compare yourself.
don't feel guilty, you can do nothing to help. if you think they want space, let them have it. infertility can destroy marriages, so i suppose a few friendships can also go awol, it is just part of the sadness of it all.

I've had this with my SIL who has been trying for a baby for 10yrs. I got pregnant with my DS and she went mad saying why couldn't i have waited (We did for 4 years) and how she felt like sliting her wrists. She wanted to have the 1st grandchild etc, etc.

It really upset me and the rest of the family ignored my pregnancy and pretended it wasn't happening to spare her feelings.
She avoided us and our son and consequently my other SIL's daughter when she was born.

Then on her 3rd IVF she got pregnant with twins, suddenly she was interested in our children. About 2 weeks later i realised i was also pregnant and there was about 3weeks between us.
Sadly she gave birth at 23wks and the twins didn't live. Nightmare situation for me as i was also pregnant and due a similar time.

Again they backed off and couldn't be around us, she is now pregnant again with twins and we all wait with baited breath.

I realise how hurt she is and how awful her experience has been but to be honest she was horrible before her twins died.
I have done nothing but try and acknowledge her feelings but she still is torn up with jealousy - she has told me this.
I can't help but feel robbed - my pregnancies and birth of my children were affected by her sadness, however, i also realise how lucky i am.

I still love her lots and support her to the best of my ability, we have a good relationship and are able to talk openly.
We are all human and as much as she has the right to feel jealous and angry, i also feel disapointed and annoyed.

I'm praying that this pregnancy of hers goes well and my BIL & SIL get their much longed for babies.

I was also lucky that I had no close friends who were pregnant during my three failed IVF treatments, the pre-IVF fertility was easier as it wasn;t so invasive or so hormonal and you were in the satge where you were convinced it was going to work. With IVF you realise that you are drinking in last chance saloon and that potentially you are going to lose your dream of having a family. Its a profoundly sad time for many women and I'm so glad that none of my close friendships were tested by a pregnancy because if I'm honest I'm not sure I could have survived someone close to me "taunting" me with their fertility.

It's really sad heathwho that you feel your pregnancy was less pleasurable as a result but I suspect that her grief was too deep for her to control for her behaviour. I'm not making excuses just trying to explain the unbearableness (is that a word) of unsuccesful fertility treatment.

Jodie - I think the loss of your friendship isn't even at the foothills of the loss your friend is suffering at the moment.

Please don't make this about you and your loss, just accept that the pain is too raw for them at the moment. That may change with time, it may not but there is nothing you can do except be as matter of fact as possible when delaing with them (if at all) continue to send birthday/xmas cards (just send them from you personally not from all of you including the baby). They may respond to that, otherwise I'd leave them alone.

If she is going through the treatment at the moment, her head is all over the place and she probably doesnt really know that she is doing this, she is just doing it to protect herself.

If she is succesful and hopefully she will be this will just be a bad episode in her life and she will be grateful of your friendship and your relationship with each other will be back to normal.

If the treatment fails and however tough it sounds, she will just have to get used to it and to get her head around it all, this will take time and will be painful and hard for her but she will get there and again will be grateful of your friendship.

So as somebody else mentioned, think you need to take the long time view.

Kickassangel - funnily enough I also still feel strange when I hear about people being pregnant. I think this is partly a learned behaviour that I'll struggle to eradicate, but it's also because I suspect it would be very difficult to conceive if we were to try again. Some people seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat (or whilst on the pill like my stepdaughter). It's pretty hard knowing it will never be that way for you.

oh jesus, mrso, that is AWFUL. i hope your SiL gets the family she so desperately wants. i do worry when people get pg with ivf twins, you know the stakes are so high and twin pgs are so much more dangerous for everyone involved.

i'm the same, twinkle and kickass. i have to plaster the smile on my face. and no, i don't want their baby... i just want my turn...

Did you conceive through IVF Aitch? I have to say I did finally conceive naturally but it was one hell of a struggle.

MrsO that sounds a nightmare situaion with alot of rollercoasters of emotions for you to deal with. at least you understand what I mean about being made to feel guilty and having to go through all the lows and highs they are having whilst not actually dealing with your own pregnancy etc

no, i didn't. i conceived naturally, but after two ectopic pregnancies and with only one remaining tube. if i'm thinking of having another (and of course i'd like one) then i'm steeling myself for the loss of the other fallopian tube through another ectopic and therefore to all intents and purposes the loss of my fertility. so i'm bricking it, basically.

I'm not really sure what to say to your post TRMO - that situation is horrific. While we were ttc my neighbour lost three babies in a row (really late on as well). It was absolutely horrendous for them - how she coped with seeing anyone else with babies I will never ever know. It certainly made our problems seem insignificant by comparison (although it didn't stop me feeling funny each time whe was pregnant - how selfish is that?). Thankfully they did finally have a healthy little girl.

Oh Aitch - two ectopics, that's terrible . Was there a reason for it or were you just dreadfully unlucky? (don't answer if you'd rather not).

although i should say (and this is funny cos it's a club i wish i wasn't a member of) but if someone gets pregnant and i know it hasn't been easy, whether IVF or post-loss or whatever, i am thrilled beyond belief for them. it feels like one of 'my girls'has elbowed their way back into the queue again and i score it as a victory over the grimness.