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Original poster

Too tired for sex?

37 replies

pinkolu · 14/10/2022 13:36

Does anyone else's DP say this?
We've only been together a year and I'm feeling down about the lack of sex. He's very affectionate and tactile, constant compliments and making me feel loved but he doesn't have much interest in sex?

When I approach it he just says he's too tired? I've spent a while thinking he's maybe not that into me but we live separate, no dc, separate finances etc so if he wasn't into me he could easily end it?

In every other area he seems very keen, talks about our future and how much he loves me etc

OP posts:
cultkid · 14/10/2022 13:36

Makes no sense to me!!
I would be wanting to discuss this more with him and open up

Maybe he has an erectile dysfunction and is very shy to talk to you
Make sure you are open and warm when you talk to him and hold space xxx

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 14/10/2022 13:40

I say this all the time. I love my DH I just don't want sex all the time. Nothing sinister I imagine your Dp is the same.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/10/2022 13:47

He clearly just isn’t very interested in sex. It isn’t going to get better. If you want more sex, this isn’t the man for you. No amount of “talks about the future” will make up for feeling undesirable and rejected in the long run.

BrimFullOfAsher · 14/10/2022 13:57

You don't say how often you are having sex though?

Or anything else about what you both do/age/how often you see each other etc?

If you're having sex 3x a week and he's juggling multiple jobs, working 70 hours a week and looking after kids whilst you work part time then him being more tired is probably understandable?

If neither of you have particularly challenging lives otherwise, see each other regularly but only have sex once per month then maybe he just has a low libido. Depending on age etc this may or may not improve. You need to speak to him and decide if he can give you what you want/feel you deserve

BrimFullOfAsher · 14/10/2022 13:59

Unless this is a reverse of course and you're actually male and your partner female.

Then you're obviously a sex pest, should be happy with what you get and take more time to appreciate what she does outside if your relationship

SunshineLoving · 14/10/2022 14:01

I do get that. Sometimes you are just shattered and don't want sex. Although that sort of sex with you (the less tired one) taking the lead can be amazing.

But if he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to. Could you both take some days off and go on a little relaxing mini break? That way you would both be rested and having a lovely time together. See if he wants sex then. If he doesn't, then I think you need to do some more talking.

Original poster
pinkolu · 14/10/2022 14:04

BrimFullOfAsher · 14/10/2022 13:59

Unless this is a reverse of course and you're actually male and your partner female.

Then you're obviously a sex pest, should be happy with what you get and take more time to appreciate what she does outside if your relationship

It's not a reverse. He's 42, no dc but does work long hours

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 14/10/2022 14:06

Dating 4 months and we dont have sex every night we spend today... But mostly. Spending between 2 to 4 nights a week together. When we dont, he's tired due to long work hours and commute.

I have a high sex drive so I'm up for it whenever.

I feel a bit unwanted if he doesn't but give myself a wobble.

Original poster
pinkolu · 14/10/2022 14:07

BrimFullOfAsher · 14/10/2022 13:57

You don't say how often you are having sex though?

Or anything else about what you both do/age/how often you see each other etc?

If you're having sex 3x a week and he's juggling multiple jobs, working 70 hours a week and looking after kids whilst you work part time then him being more tired is probably understandable?

If neither of you have particularly challenging lives otherwise, see each other regularly but only have sex once per month then maybe he just has a low libido. Depending on age etc this may or may not improve. You need to speak to him and decide if he can give you what you want/feel you deserve

Sorry that would help.

He's 42, no dc, works long hours
I'm 38, 2 dc, work full time but not overly long hours

We see each other 3-4 nights a week and have sex once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks.

I'm more worried about it already reducing as we've not been together that long and I worry it'll eventually stop altogether

I guess I'm interested to know if he's like this in relationships in general or just how he is with me. But I doubt many people would give an honest answer to that

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 14/10/2022 14:10

Ok, that would not be enough sex for me, and it would be enough for me to question the relationship.

Oopsiedaisyy · 14/10/2022 14:11

Did you talk about your sexual needs when you were dating? We discussed how lack of sex was a reason our respective marriages faildd.

Original poster
pinkolu · 14/10/2022 14:17

Oopsiedaisyy · 14/10/2022 14:11

Did you talk about your sexual needs when you were dating? We discussed how lack of sex was a reason our respective marriages faildd.

It wasn't initially an issue.
I've brought it up in terms of it making me feel insecure and he reassured me that wasn't the case.
He seemed confused as he thinks once a week is quite a lot....and says he's tired.

I don't want to pressure him as id feel like a sex pest. Also if a man was pressuring a woman into sex it would be completely unacceptable so I don't see this as any different.

Any time I instigate he says he's tired so it's now rare for me to make a move as i don't want him to feel like he has to. I'd also hate the thought of him having sex with me cos he feels he has to. I want him to want to have sex with me

OP posts:
redskyhaze · 14/10/2022 14:21

I guess I'm interested to know if he's like this in relationships in general or just how he is with me. But I doubt many people would give an honest answer to that

I don't think anyone can give you an honest answer to that other than him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/10/2022 14:22

He seemed confused as he thinks once a week is quite a lot

This is your answer. He thinks sex once a week or fortnight is plenty, regardless of whether he’s tired or not. If it’s not plenty for you, you aren’t compatible.

Oopsiedaisyy · 14/10/2022 14:28

See... We had a chat that daily would be our standard ideal.

If once a week isn't enough for you... I'd rethink

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 14/10/2022 14:31

Sex once a week is enough for some people. He's in his 40s, which is massively different from his 20s, especially for men, in my experience. Ok to end things if it's not enough for you, but not because you think it means he's not that into you.

Sunnytwobridges · 14/10/2022 14:48

Once a week would be enough for me and I've been like that since my 20s. And obviously it's enough for him. Doesn't mean he doesn't want you or love you. But if it makes you unhappy then you will have to leave and find someone else or be happy with the current situation.

YouAreNotBatman · 14/10/2022 15:00

Please set him free, so that woman who isin’t bothered about sex either (me for example) could find a diamond like him!

YRGAM · 14/10/2022 15:06

Does he enjoy the sex you have? Is the frequency, style and duration always on your terms? He might just actually not enjoy sex if there is pressure on him or if it's not what he wants

3rdtimeisacharm · 14/10/2022 15:22

My honest answer is that "being tired" is never a valid excuse for not wanting to have sex. Not for me anyway. But it entirely depends on how much of a priority sex is for you and whether or not he places the same amount of importance on it as you do.

It's never a valid excuse for me because I'm always tired. So if I didn't have sex because I was too tired then I'd never have sex full stop. I have sex even when I'm tired because it's important for my marriage

Original poster
pinkolu · 14/10/2022 15:52

Sunnytwobridges · 14/10/2022 14:48

Once a week would be enough for me and I've been like that since my 20s. And obviously it's enough for him. Doesn't mean he doesn't want you or love you. But if it makes you unhappy then you will have to leave and find someone else or be happy with the current situation.

It's hard. I wouldn't ever have described me as having a high sex drive. I hadn't had sex for 2 years when I met him and wasn't overly bothered

I guess it's more the effect he has on me and being in bed with him puts me in the mood. So it's the fact I don't have that affect on him that's getting me down

OP posts:
Ray92 · 14/10/2022 16:05

Before DD I had a high sex drive, once a day wasn't enough. I didn't understand "too tired for sex".
Now DD is 5 months old... I get it.
He may well just be exhausted for some reason.
Poor diet.. Tiring job.. Emotionally draining relatives... Bad sleep?

Oopsiedaisyy · 14/10/2022 16:10

This is the difference i think, i want sex with my DP because being in bed near him turns me on... And I'd want to know that being with me does the same. Isn't that a key element of a relationship?

YouAreNotBatman · 14/10/2022 16:11

Isn't that a key element of a relationship?

No.

SparklingLime · 14/10/2022 16:27

The elephant in the room on these threads… had he turned his attention to porn?