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Original poster

Too tired for sex?

37 replies

pinkolu · 14/10/2022 13:36

Does anyone else's DP say this?
We've only been together a year and I'm feeling down about the lack of sex. He's very affectionate and tactile, constant compliments and making me feel loved but he doesn't have much interest in sex?

When I approach it he just says he's too tired? I've spent a while thinking he's maybe not that into me but we live separate, no dc, separate finances etc so if he wasn't into me he could easily end it?

In every other area he seems very keen, talks about our future and how much he loves me etc

OP posts:
altmember · 14/10/2022 17:01

SparklingLime · 14/10/2022 16:27

The elephant in the room on these threads… had he turned his attention to porn?

Porn doesn't decrease a man's sex drive, usually has the opposite effect. I doubt there's a bloke on the planet that would rather be watching someone else have sex than be actively participating himself.

Original poster
pinkolu · 14/10/2022 17:09

SparklingLime · 14/10/2022 16:27

The elephant in the room on these threads… had he turned his attention to porn?

He was single for 6 years before we met (although he did have sex a handful of times in this period). I would imagine (or hope) a porn addiction wouldn't start after he got into a relationship.
We had much more sex in the first 3 months

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 14/10/2022 17:24

DH and I (mid-40s, together about two and a half years) have sex most nights - but we both have high libidos that have been problematic in the past....

What you describe with your dp sounds (anecdotally) much closer to the norm for our age group.

However, doesn't matter if it's "normal" if it's leaving you feeling rejected/unfulfilled.

If he were able to reassure you conclusively that this WAS NOT to do with how attractive he finds you - that this is as much sex as he has ever wanted with anyone - would you feel ok?

Because I think that is the most you can realistically hope for. No amount of talking will make him actually want more sex, alas.

gannett · 14/10/2022 17:42

Being up for it once a week isn't abnormal and doesn't mean he's not into you. You shouldn't treat his average sex drive as any kind of comment on how attractive he finds you. Ignore the batshit comments that make out he has some sort of problem; MN often fails to comprehend that men aren't necessarily permanently horny and up for sex on demand.

Being too tired for sex is the most normal thing in the world, especially for someone who works long hours. I don't know whether he's abnormally tired in general - if so, could be worth seeing a GP or taking some annual leave. As unromantic as it sounds, scheduling sex at the times of week his energy levels are higher might be an idea.

Ultimately "once a week" might just be his preference. If you want more you might just be incompatible, but it's not a reflection of how he feels about you.

SparklingLime · 14/10/2022 17:48

pinkolu · 14/10/2022 17:09

He was single for 6 years before we met (although he did have sex a handful of times in this period). I would imagine (or hope) a porn addiction wouldn't start after he got into a relationship.
We had much more sex in the first 3 months

Show quote history

Not since, but a new partner can bring things back to reality if only temporarily. It’s a possibility.

NoDatingForOldMen · 14/10/2022 19:19

gannett · 14/10/2022 17:42

Being up for it once a week isn't abnormal and doesn't mean he's not into you. You shouldn't treat his average sex drive as any kind of comment on how attractive he finds you. Ignore the batshit comments that make out he has some sort of problem; MN often fails to comprehend that men aren't necessarily permanently horny and up for sex on demand.

Being too tired for sex is the most normal thing in the world, especially for someone who works long hours. I don't know whether he's abnormally tired in general - if so, could be worth seeing a GP or taking some annual leave. As unromantic as it sounds, scheduling sex at the times of week his energy levels are higher might be an idea.

Ultimately "once a week" might just be his preference. If you want more you might just be incompatible, but it's not a reflection of how he feels about you.

This is great advice right here ^^, I’m 52, so a decade older and sex once a week would be perfect for me.
i also work long(ish) hours in a mentally (but not physically) hard job, most evenings I’m mentally exhausted and wouldn’t really want sex either, but cuddling up to someone in bed is very nice.

also you could you swap to morning sex , as mens testosterone levels are highest in the morning, you might find him more interested then.

BCBird · 14/10/2022 19:27

I feel for you as I have been in a relationship where sex drives were incompatible. I wanted it more than he did a d it really made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Awful situation to be in. I didn't realise how much this affected me until we spilt, not because of this, and i eventually met someone else . I was able to be open and honest about sex which is something I had never done before. Very liberating. I would suggest sefing if you can have an honest together

Original poster
pinkolu · 16/10/2022 09:46

Thanks @BCBird
I think it's denting my confidence as its stereotypically the opposite problem and the man wanting more sex. I've never had much sympathy in these situations and assumed the man was a sex pest but at least this has given me some insight into how they feel.

I never realised it could have such an impact on confidence/self esteem. When men complain about it, I thought it was purely the lack of sex but they maybe aren't the best at articulating how rejected it makes them feel

OP posts:
RedAppleGirl · 16/10/2022 10:23

It's challenging to compare with others. Dp and I are TTC so it's twice a day or every other day, etc. However when we met it was literally lust o'clock constantly, this really only started to dissipate after 2yrs.
He's, late 40s now and he has recently expressed that at times life or disagreements between us has dampened his desire.
My own thoughts are desire for sex fluctuates in relationships, if however, the pattern, in the beginning, is low-level interest, it is unlikely to change pace to a more frequent level.

NoDatingForOldMen · 16/10/2022 15:42

I never realised it could have such an impact on confidence/self esteem. When men complain about it, I thought it was purely the lack of sex but they maybe aren't the best at articulating how rejected it makes them feel

I would think this is about right, it’s not the actual lack of sex as such, but the rejection that really hurts - also if someone ( of either gender) is rejected enough they will stop trying, queue sexless marriage

BHRK · 16/10/2022 15:49

After six months together, there is no way that would be enough sex for me. It’s up to you to decide

Wilma55 · 16/10/2022 15:51

Have you tried "afternoon delight" when you have a whole day together? Or do you always have/not have sex at night?

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