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Original poster

Do you ever get over the betrayal of a girlfriend

33 replies

Seatree1 · 13/10/2022 20:59

Many years ago my husband left me for a close girlfriend. We knew each other from childhood ( the girlfriend and i )Our children were friends with each other. Divorce is always incredibly hard, but over the years my ex husband and i faked it til we made it, and stood united over our kids. I think we have a good relationship now, always in communication over our now almost adult kids, strangely knowing we have each other’s backs around the children. The children have over the years really struggled with intergrating with his new life and home. My ex always rings them and offers support emotionally to them. They however feel uncomfortable staying in his house with my old friend, and her children.I encourage them to go and be part of their lives, but it has always been awkward.
Now I’m very happy, settled and in great relationship. My kids like my new partner…. He has really become part of the family. On special occasions my ex, my new partner and the kids and i all join together. One big problem…. My old girlfriend!. I havent seen her since the day their affair came out in the open. Many years have passed. Should i encourage her to join our family occasions ? Would she come ? How the hell do i get past the total feeling of betrayal?
ps. I really am really happy with my life now, and thank God I’m not with my ex

OP posts:
AnightwiththeTiger · 13/10/2022 21:08

You’re not mandated to forgive anyone. And you don’t need to forgive to heal.

A betrayal like this is WORSE than the husband. I can’t articulate why but it is. Frankly you’d be within your rights to have stuck one on her.

Foreverinblue · 13/10/2022 21:18

I don't believe anyone should have to socialise with anyone when it makes them uncomfortable so I'm not going to judge you for not wanting this woman around you. I understand your reasons why.

That said, have you ever thought that your own reluctance to have anything to do with her may be having an impact on how your DC feel being around her? Maybe they feel somehow disloyal towards you and so have been reluctant to get close to her over the years, despite being with their DD for a while now. I'd understand if the affair was more recent but you say it was many years ago and you now manage to socialise with your exH with your new partner. Is it really fair to still be leaving her out of everything, which is probably still influencing DC's feelings towards her? I'm not suggesting you all have cozy Sunday lunches or holidays together, of course, but some civiltt for the sake of DC might make things easier all round for everyone

Original poster
Seatree1 · 13/10/2022 21:35

Yes i think your right. It’s just a super weird thought, facing her across a table after all these years. I must admit she broke my heart…. And i have really struggled to understand . But maybe its time to face my demons!!

OP posts:
Sideorderofchips · 13/10/2022 23:07

No

I would rather eat my own eye balls than ever set eyes on my ex friend.

MsDogLady · 13/10/2022 23:14

Seatree, did you ever confront her re your feelings about her betrayal? Has she ever expressed any remorse to you?

Itisbetter · 13/10/2022 23:18

I wouldn’t want to facilitate my children trusting her more. She’s shown herself to be absolutely horrid. I think your present stance is much more empowering for them.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 13/10/2022 23:25

When it came down to it she not only didn't put your children first, she knew that she would potentially destroy their lives. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her and so I wouldn't want to socialise with her.

QuitWhileAhead · 13/10/2022 23:27

You faked it until you made it with your ex husband because it was in your children's best interests for their parents to be able to amicable with one another. If you didn't have kids then I imagine you wouldn't have bothered.

It's different with your ex friend, there was no need for you to have any relationship with her.

cravattwat · 13/10/2022 23:36

I don't think you need to have any relationship with her if you don't feel able to.

But, there is likely to be times in the future where you will be in the same room together so it might be worth getting it out of the way before you're in a pressured situation. There could be graduations, weddings, grandchildren etc in the future and if this OW is sticking around she'll likely be there.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 13/10/2022 23:41

I wouldn’t. I draw the line there.

YellowRedBlueGreen · 13/10/2022 23:57

Absolutely no way would I have anything to do with her ever again. Even in 5,000,000,000 years when we are both dead and sitting on clouds somewhere - I'd still tell her to fuck off.

annonymousse · 14/10/2022 00:08

More than 20 years since it happened to me. I still have dreams where I have to have contact with her. My ex I couldn't care less if I see him or don't. He has no power to hurt me any more but she still lives in my head. Like yesterday I remember my daughter asking me did * ever really like me or was she pretending just to get close to dad. She didn't just break my heart but affected my children too. My youngest daughter would never introduce boyfriends to her friends just in case as "dad did it to you mum". It annoys the hell out of me that she still has the power to upset me just by thinking of her. I wish and try so hard not to care but it's not easy

altmember · 14/10/2022 02:09

You appear to have forgiven your husband for the affair (or at least got over it to the point you're happy to socialise with him), but you won't do the same for the other woman?

Fraaahnces · 14/10/2022 04:57

You don’t accidentally fall for your friend’s husband. I don’t think either of them were innocent, Tbf. Somehow we assume that other women have a stronger moral compass than men. We expect more loyalty from them as a result. I applaud you for doing the right thing for your kids despite the difficulty, and congratulate you on finding happiness again. I doubt I could look at her across a table either.

Aprilx · 14/10/2022 05:32

No I wouldn’t ever forgive or forget this. It was a double betrayal, but you share children with him and so had to try to make something work, you don’t have to try anything with her.

SunsetsArePretty · 14/10/2022 06:36

She burned her bridges with you the day she got involved with your husband. Hold your head high that you've never interacted with her since the day you found out... and keep that going. By never seeing her, you're showing her that she doesn't deserve your company. She's not your friend and who knows, if you invite her into your new life she might try her luck with your new man. She's trash and you don't need trash in your new life.

warofthemonstertrucks · 14/10/2022 07:41

I could have written your post to the letter OP.
The betrayal by the friend in my case was by far the worst thing that had ever happened to me. It took me years to get to the place where I could think about it without going down a mental rabbit hole about the lies she told and situations she put me in- and becoming Incredibly distressed.
I am better now (6 years on) but I don't see a time (anytime soon anyway) that I could comfortably be in the same room as her.
I do need to work on this as no doubt when the kids get married (if they do) she will be there in some way... but I've got years before that happens so plenty of time (and time is the only thing that heals it really). I don't at any point intend to socialise with her (family stuff or not) and I don't think that it's necessary.

The kids spend time with her (unwillingly-they were old enough to work out what went on and they heard it in the playground anyway-they were also friends with her kids etc)-and they have no fondness for her-but I've always told them they must at a minimum be polite and anything else in terms of their relationship with her is a bonus for them and their Dad if it happens but as nothing to me.

People als me sometimes if I'm over it. And I am in so much as it doesn't dominate my thoughts or affect me anymore. But will I ever truly be over it or forgive it? No, I don't think I will.

Dery · 14/10/2022 14:30

“She burned her bridges with you the day she got involved with your husband. Hold your head high that you've never interacted with her since the day you found out... and keep that going. By never seeing her, you're showing her that she doesn't deserve your company. She's not your friend and who knows, if you invite her into your new life she might try her luck with your new man.”

I think it’s this. She chose her relationship with your XH over her relationship with you. The fact you haven’t seen her since is a natural consequence. Plus as PP have said, you had to make things work with your XH. You don’t have to make things work with her.

Ofcourseshecan · 14/10/2022 16:17

The children have over the years really struggled with intergrating with his new life and home. My ex always rings them and offers support emotionally to them. They however feel uncomfortable staying in his house with my old friend, and her children.

I think you should respect your DCs' very natural feelings, OP. Why should they be happy about staying with the woman who (in their eyes) took their father away from them? I would hate her. Of course it's just as much his fault, but it's natural for children to go on loving a parent.

Also, when your friends are living with their own mother and your father, and you're expected to pretend that's fine -- no wonder that affects the children's previous friendship.

You have behaved admirably and made life easy for your ex, in order to protect your children. He's no hero for offering 'emotional support' when he's the person who caused their pain!

Ofcourseshecan · 14/10/2022 16:24

Should i encourage her to join our family occasions ? Would she come ? How the hell do i get past the total feeling of betrayal?

  1. No.
  2. I wouldn't in her position, but I wouldn't do what she did.
  3. You don't. I advise trying to let go of those feelings for your own sake, to stop them gnawing at you. But you don't have to forgive and forget, and you don't owe her or him a thing.

I'm glad you are happier now.

XPD · 14/10/2022 17:12

In this instant I'd find it harder to forgive a life long friend than I would my exDP. DP's can come and go, but friends should be there for life.

I would like to say that I've know most of my friend near on 40 years. I also never blamed my exes OW when he ran off with her - that was all him.

CatherinedeBourgh · 14/10/2022 17:19

I was the child in this situation, though I was young enough to not know it until I was much older.

My mother completely let it go. She didn't keep a friendship relationship with OW, but she never showed anything other than civility towards her whenever they met. OW's relationship with my dad didn't last that long (none of my dad's relationships did), but I still think my mother the better person for the way she dealt with it all.

Badbaddogagain · 14/10/2022 17:26

No actual forgiveness without remorse/apologies.

obviously she’ll never be your friend again.

and you probably won’t ever forget.

however, for the DC graduation/wedding scenarios in the future, it may be worth testing the waters re seeing her. Maybe briefly, with XH and your DP there for moral support?

For my adult DCs’ sake I see my XH even though I think he’s an idiot, and I’ve now met the OW a couple of times. She’s very sweet and deserves better 😂. I think by and large it’s been positive. The difference is she wasn’t my friend of course, but maybe it’s worth a try?

Fraaahnces · 14/10/2022 18:49

I also came on here to say that she was probably the person you confided in when things weren’t great with your marriage and she took advantage.

Original poster
Seatree1 · 14/10/2022 18:57

Thanks for all your massages. I asked my DC if he wanted her to come to the family gathering. He said no, he couldn’t think of anything worse !. So on reflection its a bad idea. If and when i meet her again… it needs to be a quiet, private time ( with my new chap as support ). It is probably best to get it over with before weddings etc. It will always feel like I’m meeting up with a truly unkind person, but I’m sure I’ll cope. I am me, Ive been brought up to be strong, kind and forgiving, I’m not going to let one dysfunctional person to haunt me x

OP posts:
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