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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you ever get over the betrayal of a girlfriend

33 replies

Seatree1 · 13/10/2022 20:59

Many years ago my husband left me for a close girlfriend. We knew each other from childhood ( the girlfriend and i )Our children were friends with each other. Divorce is always incredibly hard, but over the years my ex husband and i faked it til we made it, and stood united over our kids. I think we have a good relationship now, always in communication over our now almost adult kids, strangely knowing we have each other’s backs around the children. The children have over the years really struggled with intergrating with his new life and home. My ex always rings them and offers support emotionally to them. They however feel uncomfortable staying in his house with my old friend, and her children.I encourage them to go and be part of their lives, but it has always been awkward.
Now I’m very happy, settled and in great relationship. My kids like my new partner…. He has really become part of the family. On special occasions my ex, my new partner and the kids and i all join together. One big problem…. My old girlfriend!. I havent seen her since the day their affair came out in the open. Many years have passed. Should i encourage her to join our family occasions ? Would she come ? How the hell do i get past the total feeling of betrayal?
ps. I really am really happy with my life now, and thank God I’m not with my ex

OP posts:

cypresstree · 15/10/2022 06:54

you have a better life now OP and I understand you have to deal with him, but I'd let her drift away to nothingness. There is nothing to gain there and there will never be. The hard work with your children has been done and they get to decide themselves, stay clean and clear of it. x

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/10/2022 08:53

Women are always held to higher moral standards than men.

You have forgiven your XH and are friendly with him. But she is still persona non grata?

So basically, she carries the can and the H gets away with it and is all forgiven. It's not right.

thethreemuskateers · 15/10/2022 10:39

This happened to me very close friend who also at the time lived next door.

I lent her clothes,baby sat, allowed her in my home at Christmas and new year.

I will absolutely never forgive her the way she betrayed me. She also did a lot of things to wind me up before she eventually moved house.

Our 16 year old wants no relationship with her or his Dad meanwhile the 4 year old doesn’t understand.

Bananasareformonkeys · 15/10/2022 16:02

Yes. Let it go. You don't benefit from carrying the resentment, and if you have forgiven the ex husband then why can you not work to forgive her? It makes things much easier all round if you are neutral together, even if you've moved past being able to be friends.

beonmywaythen · 15/10/2022 17:09

I have only read the OP but I am friends with someone who ended up marrying her DP's best friend. They had broken up but it was still awful. They didn't do it to hurt DP, they just fell in love. They both felt realllly bad actually about how it would affect the first DP and tried to stop but also didn't want to let go of something true and special. It may depend on how it happened but if you have a good life and can let go, why not. Life is too short to hold onto that pain.

isntthisabitodd · 17/10/2022 03:27

I'm quite a forgiving person.

However, out of principle I wouldn't be in the same room as her.

She betrayed and hurt you snd your children in the worse way possible.

PeppaPigsBonnet · 17/10/2022 04:28

Some people get the wrong idea about 'forgiveness'.

It isn't compulsory
You can forgive someone but that doesn't mean you want them in your life.

Should i encourage her to join our family occasions ? No. Why allow her to 'rub your nose in it'?
You can't stop your ex coming as he is the father of your children but you don't have to invite her.
Do you really have to have these 'family occasions' BTW?

Would she come ? Who cares. Let her live with the consequences of her actions.

How the hell do i get past the total feeling of betrayal? I'm not sure you will unless you want to get into some therapy.

I've been where you are and it's not a good place to be.
The best I could do was to accept that it happened, that it wasn't my fault, and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

Catlover1970 · 17/10/2022 21:27

I’m very forgiving but I wouldn’t want that bitch in the same room as me!!!!!

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