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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ex wife just won't stop!

45 replies

TomAllenWife · 13/10/2022 17:53

And it's really getting me down

She instigated their divorce, and they had been split a year when I met DP
She knows we've bought a house and are engaged and yet she still asks him to go over, or can she come over for a drink, or tells him she's not over the divorce.

This is normally followed with a barrage of abuse along the lines of 'well go fuck your girlfriend' etc

It's exhausting!

Does it ever stop? Sad

OP posts:
Lostmyway86 · 13/10/2022 17:57

Assuming there's kids involved or it could be easy block on everything from your OH?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2022 17:58

Why’s he engaging with her? She sounds awful but it’s up to him to manage it and limit the impact and damage on your relationship and life together.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 13/10/2022 18:00

He really does try

They have long periods where he has blocked her but then thinks everything is ok again and for a while it is, then she starts

OP posts:
MomwasCasual · 13/10/2022 18:01

So he's unblocking her then.

There's an obvious solution really.

LittleOwl153 · 13/10/2022 18:02

If he's unblocking her he is encouraging her to re-engage in my view. He needs to permanently block her and move on - or you need to send him back to her and move on yourself!

rattlemehearties · 13/10/2022 18:02

This is a DH problem, not the ex. He should be setting boundaries.

SoftwareDev · 13/10/2022 18:03

In my (admittedly limited) experience, there are instances when woman instigate divorce in an attempt to get love bombed/desired. They hope the man will realise how much he really does love her and can’t live without her. When it (typically) doesn’t work the neediness kicks in with various excuses, “there’s a leaky tap, “let’s have a drink” etc. Then, when that fails, things turn nasty!

ArcaneWireless · 13/10/2022 18:03

He really does try

He really isn’t trying hard enough.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 13/10/2022 18:04

DP will discuss the dcs with her but they are older so not little ones that require lots of input

She may have made a mistake, but come on it's been years and years

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2022 18:07

How old are the DC?

If they’re old enough to have phones and arrange contact themselves he doesn’t need to speak to her. If he’s got a lawyer handling the divorce he doesn’t need to speak to her. He just doesn’t need to speak to her.

He’s letting her in, that’s on him. And he certainly shouldn’t be passing on any shitty messages she sends.

No one is excusing her, she’s pathetic. But he’s the only one who can stop it so take it up with him.

SoftwareDev · 13/10/2022 18:08

Oh but OP you have no idea. This feeling of sheer contempt can last decades! I’ve seen it. Rejection is a bitter pill to swallow!

drpet49 · 13/10/2022 18:10

She’s sounds crazy. And to blackmail him is even worse.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 13/10/2022 18:10

They divorced years ago

Kids are mid / late teens

I know she's bitter, but fgs why won't she move on

OP posts:
hay5689 · 13/10/2022 18:21

I've seen firsthand how bitter some women can be over a divorce. My parents split up 29 years ago and my mother is still consumed by self pity and bitterness and feels wronged. She's literally wasted her whole life and it's sad but her choice I suppose. The upside is the kids will be adults one day so there'll be no contact needed for the Dc.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2022 18:39

Once again, you have an OH problem, not an ex-wife problem. Why does he feel the need to keep an open line of communication with her? His DC are old enough to communicate directly with him and with their mum when they're with their dad.

If for some reason he feels there must be an open line, then it needs to be email, not text.

Readaboutyourself · 13/10/2022 18:41

It’s an OH problem not ExWife. She might be a pain in the arse but he can manage that if he chooses.

MintJulia · 13/10/2022 18:46

Yes, it's a DP problem.

Block and stay blocked. If he unblocks her, that's because he's looking forward to the ego-boost of her asking to come back.

pocketvenuss · 13/10/2022 18:49

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2022 18:39

Once again, you have an OH problem, not an ex-wife problem. Why does he feel the need to keep an open line of communication with her? His DC are old enough to communicate directly with him and with their mum when they're with their dad.

If for some reason he feels there must be an open line, then it needs to be email, not text.

Oh come on, they are mid teens. Parents do still need to communicate about some issues when they have teen age dc.

JessesMum777888 · 13/10/2022 18:50

Sorry to tell you this but 6 years later and I’m still “the slut “. Funny though when the kids need something or she needs money and he’s blocked her I’m not “the slut” 🙄

Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2022 18:51

It sounds like your DP wants that neediness from her. Are you too independent for him? The fact he won't say no, or keep her unblocked means he's getting something in him fulfilled. It might be a sense of superiority or belonging or needing or saviour complex or whatever but he is certainly fuelling it.

As they say, you have a DP problem, not an ex wife problem.

CheezePleeze · 13/10/2022 18:52

He needs to block her and keep her blocked.

If anything dreadful happened that he needed to know about, his teen DCs would contact him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2022 18:52

The DC must have managed okay when he’s blocked her before so it’s clearly not essential that they talk.

Since everyone’s saying the same thing OP, are you still convinced it’s useful focussing on her and not how it’s his job to limit the impact she has?

pocketvenuss · 13/10/2022 18:54

CheezePleeze · 13/10/2022 18:52

He needs to block her and keep her blocked.

If anything dreadful happened that he needed to know about, his teen DCs would contact him.

Have you actually had teens? If there were any issues with school, mental health, self harm, relationships, bullying, drugs etc, would you just assume its all fine until your teen said something? Parents need to communicate. What sort of parenting are you doing

pocketvenuss · 13/10/2022 18:56

MintJulia · 13/10/2022 18:46

Yes, it's a DP problem.

Block and stay blocked. If he unblocks her, that's because he's looking forward to the ego-boost of her asking to come back.

Or he needs to parent their teens properly. What parents out there just do things without talking with the other parent? Together or divorced, they are still parents

Cats4life · 13/10/2022 19:08

If your husband does need to contact her for any reason then why does he keep unblocking her- whether he realises or not he is just encouraging her.