The ex wife just won't stop!

[TomAllenWife]

And it's really getting me down

She instigated their divorce, and they had been split a year when I met DP
She knows we've bought a house and are engaged and yet she still asks him to go over, or can she come over for a drink, or tells him she's not over the divorce.

This is normally followed with a barrage of abuse along the lines of 'well go fuck your girlfriend' etc

It's exhausting!

Does it ever stop?

I agree you haven't got a exW problem you have a partner problem.

There is no reason to contact her unless it's about the kids, and from what you say they are old enough to deal with stuff themselves..

I know she's bitter, but fgs why won't she move on

Because there's a payoff for her, in behaving like this. She must be getting something out of it, otherwise she wouldn't be doing it.

Are you sure he's not sleeping with her?? 😳

But he doesn't need to be immediately contactable 24/7. If there is an immediate need one of his DC can text him "Call Mum, XX has happened and you need to sort it". As my 2nd para says, use email to communicate about the DC's needs on an 'as needed' basis.

He needs to cut off her ability to contact him to come over, have a drink, etc and to abuse him when he refuses. These things are probably more 'spur of the moment'.

Why is your partner engaging with her? Sounds like he might be enjoying the attention.

You are focussing on the wrong person. Its your DP you need to be looking at.

Why isn't he moving on?

In answer to the last part of your question, in my experience it never stopped.

She was already re married when I met DH.

There were some quiet periods, but she was always there in the background, and would occasionally spew her venom.

She kept it up even when their DC were independent adults with their own families.

The best advice I can give is stop as much contact as possible. Block her and encourage your DH not to react if she does get through.

This happened to me. A rather lengthy message sent from my DP's phone from me put an end to it. With his agreement.

I basically stated that she should move on and get a life of her own rather than trying to get back someone SHE chose to leave. There was obviously a lot more personalisation about other issues she caused, but spelling it out in black and white stopped it.

There was also a line about how her constant barrage of messages was adding up to harassment, so only to contact DP about the kids and nothing else as it would be ignored and deleted.
Agree with a PP about setting up an email specifically for child issues and get your DP to block her on everything

Agree, @pocketvenuss you can't just block the other parent of your DC, teens or not.

My parents split when I was in my late teens. They didn't talk to each other for years. There were significant events in my life which were ruined by their inability to communicate with each other on a normal and civil basis. Parents of DC have a duty to their children to ensure despite any personal feelings they put their DC first and learn to communicate in a normal way (and not just via email or snail mail - who uses these in today's world).

It sounds in the OPs case as though her DP is spelling things out to the ex and that's why she's having hissy fits. The ex needs to learn to behave in a manner which is the best for their DC and that is to put her own feelings to one side and communicate normally with her ex-H. Why are MNetters always keen to defend the ex-wife?

@AcrossthePond55 and if one parent has concerns that the dcs are acting up at school or hanging with a rough crowd or doing drugs? Ya think the teen is going to mention it to the other parent? Really? You think that's how teens work? You don't think parents need to co parent teens?

As you seem to be ignoring it, I'll point out that I did NOT say the father should go completely NC. I said he needs to shut down INSTANT communication, ie phone and texts, since his ex seems incapable of keeping communications to the needs of the DC. I said he can set up an email for her to use. If she (or he) has a valid concern about one of the children she (or he) can send an email to the other parent.

I've successfully raised two sons. Yes, I 'know how it works'.

The trouble is, if you have a really combative, high conflict co parent, it can be quite impossible to have normal civil parenting exchanges. You can't actually make someone be a reasonable, cooperative co-parent.

In that situation blocking on most platforms that enable lengthy exchanges, swapping of videos and photos etc, can be beneficial. You can keep a phone just for emergency contact (always on) and say they can text you in emergencies, otherwise email comms twice a week or whatever. That still allows for proper co parenting but reduces the ability of the other party to manipulate and escalate disputes.

So basically, your DP needs to effectively limit Comms but keep something for emergencies. And learn to absolutely not respond to nonsense like can he come over to fix xyz. That's just silly. Just ignore the dross. It's like dogs or children. Stop rewarding and responding to the negative behaviours and the negative behaviours generally themselves, stop.

You said what I was trying to say! And very well said.

He needs to block her permanently if he has teenage kids. He can make contact arrangements with them directly.

My husbands ex was like this to a lesser degree until she got a boyfriend. Then she left us alone. Get your fingers crossed she's dating!

He really does try

In the words of the great Yoda, "Do or do not. There is no try."

if he wanted to stop this, he could.

She sounds quite similar to my ex. Total Jekyll and Hyde character, full of cluster b. One minute being nice (usually when she wants help with something), the next crazy beyond imagination. I can't block her because I have to manage when her mental health is good enough for contact. She absolutely cannot stand the idea of me having a normal relationship with anyone else and has attempted to sabotage every time. Luckily my current dp isn't phased by it and we can laugh off the craziness together.

Don't get upset about it, just have pity on the crazy one.

It's all well and good other posters saying it's your dp's problem to manage, and he shouldn't be sharing with you. But they're probably the same lot that would be screaming LTB if op had posted that her dp was keeping messages between him and ex secret.

Friend of mine in same situation. It wont stop I am afraid, even if he does block she will find another way to cause problems. Its caused my friend a lot of stress and in hindsight she says she would have left if they didn't go on to have a baby together. You can imagine the chaos it caused when the ex wife (who similarly left her husband for someone else then decided when he met my friend she wanted him back) found out they were pregnant and getting married. The ex wife and your boyfriend are getting something out of the chaotic exchange and they are both feeding it. Its your choice whether you are prepared to live with this for a very long time....once again, you have got this situation for years and years.

@litterbird The ex wife and your boyfriend are getting something out of the chaotic exchange and they are both feeding it.

That's what I thought.
It seems that neither have 'let go' and the fact that DP hasn't married OP is very telling.

That's not necessarily true. I can assure you I don't feed my ex, I generally totally ignore her, if not grey rock. I'm absolutely over her, we've been split up 8 years. But some people simply cannot bear to see their ex getting on with life well without them, even when they're in a new relationship themselves. It's bizarre, and it does seem to be mainly women that hold these hypocritical grudges.

And it's natural to be reluctant about remarrying after a previous traumatic relationship.

@cheshirebloke I can assure you I don't feed my ex, I generally totally ignore her, if not grey rock.

And therein lies the difference in the two situations. The OPs partner seems to be dancing to the exW's tune.

I think you are being unrealistic. Whatever your benchstick is for husbands who have left the family unit, it maybe idealistic.

It completely depends on the different variables of the man's capacity for guilt, duty and his concience. As for teenage years, I would say it's quite an important time for men's involvement in a child's life, I find it strange you think otherwise.

In what capacity has she made a mistake ? she lost the prize ?

Regardless of everyones situation now, the children should be front and foremost in your life and this man has not finished bringing up his children yet.
You have to accept their correspondance, it may not be the level of involvement you like but you chose him, knew the score and unfortunately that was his previous choice, this woman who bore his children.

It would be nice for you if he were to put you above all others but he is not doing so, he is trying to balance his time, aid and affections between two families. I don't think it's going to change, if he still wants to be heavily involved in his children's life he may want that until death, his grandchildren etc, I doubt this scenario will change.

That ex wife is always going to feel she has a special link to your man because of the shared children, for some couples this never changes. Unfortunate for you but you picked him and he doesn't look like he's going to change.

I don’t understand women like this. I left my husband and could not wait to not have contact with him unless it was about DD. Then he gave up on DD and wouldn’t turn up to get her.

Current BF has an ex like this. She can’t let go. Still wants to control him and they have young DDs (5 and 7) so it’s difficult. He is working hard on boundaries - that he will do things for the children but not for her. I’ve been blamed for the children saying horrible things to her and I have only met them once because we decided not to behave like her (3 boyfriends moved in over a 9 month period) and check that it was working out between us and take things slow with them.

As the new partner we are on the outside and it is easier to analyse as we are not in the middle. I think we really see different things from the person in the middle of the drama - they are dealing with it directly and immediately and don’t have the time like those on the outside do.
I’ve been there when he has taken calls or he has shared voice messages to ask my opinion or for advice.