Other woman calls herself my babies' mama. Am I the insensitive one?

[Anyarebecca]

Please guys don't feel sorry for me, I'm fine now. Just give me your very honest opinion.

Me and my partner live in the English speaking country and we speak English to each other.

My partners parents come to visit us sometimes, each visit lasts one or two weeks.. In my partners language my name means “mother “ and “mama “ is the word for grandmother. There is also one more very common way for children to call their grandmas in their language but my partners mum doesn't want to be called that “for personal reasons ”.

So every time they are here, they both encourage my toddler to call my partner's mum mama and call me by my first name( mum in their language). To make things even more exciting🙄 I'll tell you that my son has a speech delay and we think he might have autism. Every time they said the M word to describe grandma I just corrected with the huge smile saying “oh, grandma picked you up? Yeah!! ” etc. If not for the language barrier (and the fact I'm not very brave) I would openly talk to them about it but instead I said to my partner how I feel about it. I'm sure he had good intentions but well…The only thing that changed was that they looked very upset and didn't talk to me for a few hours.

When they were here last time, I was heavily pregnant with another baby. I'm chronically ill and disable and this pregnancy was a nightmare for me and the only thing that kept me semi sane was that baby was absolutely fine.

I was laying in bed most of the time, I suffered from inflammatory back pain and crohns disease flare up. Each time I managed to crawl out of bed, they were sabotaging everything I tried to do. If I wanted to cook dinner, they were saying that they planned it already and did shopping, when I wanted to take baby for a walk around the house, they just literally came back from the walk. My baby boy was just learning to walk, he was learning new things each day.. I wasn't able to pick him up or give him a bath for ages. All I could do was just sit and watch him whenever I was pain free.

The is no words to describe how traumatising it was and how much I missed having him in my arms. Yes, I was greatful for the help and I needed help but I also wanted to be a part of that family. Ok, maybe I should suggest that for one evening we could all go to our bedroom so I can see my baby from bed or have him next to me. I didn't, my bad. I felt like all that help was just about taking him away from me. And imagine that mama thing on top of it.

Anyway, I'm fine now. Now we have two beautiful, little babies. One is a lively toddler, one is just learning to crawl. And here I am, waiting for my partner's parents to arrive again, having some awful flashbacks from that horrible pregnancy and even more horrible c section that left me even more disable for 4 weeks than I ever was before.

Please, tell me people who is right here.

Shall I just tell myself that the fact that this woman will call herself mama for a few days every few months won't make my sons grow up believing she is the mother and I should just shut up and let her do it?

But it just seems weird and wrong. And when they are older and decide to learn that language (my partner is too lazy to teach them 😉) they will obviously know that their mum's first name means mother in that language and they will probably find it amusing and funny. But for now we are really struggling to make our toddler repeat anything after us. He says mama and dada but he is not calling us, he just says that like younger babies do. Yes, we are seeing Dr, we are currently waiting for autism assessment and referal to the speech and language therapy.

Thank you for reading.

You are massively overthinking this. Your child has learned to call his grandma
"mama", which means "grandma". Assuming he calls you "mummy" or "mum" I can't see how it could be confusing for him?

It sounds like their last visit coincided with a flare up for you which was traumatic, but I think you're focussing on the wrong thing here. She sounds loving and engaged towards her grandchild which is surely the most important thing?

My son is not calling me anything. He can't speak at all. He is just bubbling mamama bababa.

The nice thing for them to do here would be to pick another name for grandma. But sounds like they won’t comprise. Your kid won’t grow up thinking his granny is his mum. Don’t worry about that. Take control of what’s happening during the visit a bit more. You’re not pregnant this time, if you want to cook dinner instead of having your MIL do it, insist.

It will be confusing for your son to have a new woman saying she's mama. You're not over thinking it. You've been through a terrible time and you're well enough to pleasantly stick to your guns now, so do that.

Hell, I'm not pregnant and I never will be again! 😂

I wouldn't worry about it.
Hopefully your DS will grow up multilingual and children can distinguish differences in languages from an early age. It will become a cute story you'd all be sharing when he will be a teenager.

It is nice the grandparents can help in practical ways but, perhaps, in their culture this is the norm, to take over where grandchildren are concerned as much as they can. This is common in many countries, to the extent grandparents' help us expected.

Just tell them you miss your DS and feel a bit disconnected when you can't do as much as you'd want. They might understand some of your struggles and suggest you all spend more time together. Although they probably think it does you good to have some rest from childcare and housework.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time OP.

Re the name, your partner’s parents do not get to choose what your baby calls you: you do. Of course you don’t want your baby using your first name. If you are non-confrontational, then maybe write them a letter about it or ask your partner to put his foot down and demand they treat you with respect. But if they don’t see the baby very often then their behaviour is unlikely to affect what yohr baby calls you.

Them refusing to speak to you is immature and abusive kind of behaviour, they are obviously trying to bully you into doing things their way.

Decide in your own mind what you want your baby to call the grandma. I’d pick something English like Granny or Nan. Then use that consistently in front of the baby and whenever they’re there.

Sorry they’re being such controlling assholes about this.

Thank you.. I was also thinking about nan or nana. It sound like mama and it's easy to say so she really shouldn't have problem with it.
Yes, I'm really struggling to speak up my mind but when I tried to talk to them through my partner obviously it didn't work out well. I have 2 baby boys so it's just about the time to be more assertive...

How about using "grandmama" rather than mama for your partner's mum? Yanbu to insist they stop using your first name to refer to you - you can be mummy which is sufficiently different from mama - with a child that has speech delay it's important to have consistency for any regular ongoing contact but sporadic occasionally contact won't have much effect so if they can't respect that then see them only very rarely sp that their confusing influence can be minimised.

I think if you are "mama", your partner's parents don't get to change that. When your partners parents are speaking directly to you, they should use your first name (e.g. "Anyarebecca do you want a coffee?") but when referring to you to your child, should use "mama". They don't get to chose your name. If they also want to be mama, and you can bear it, I would add their first or last name, e.g. "Mama Elizabeth" or "Mama Smith" If she doesn't like Mama Elizabeth, she can choose something else as "Mama" is already taken.

Alternatively, use the other name for Grandmother that she doesn't want for personal reasons. Use it a lot with your sons, point at her photo and say the other name. Use it to say she is coming to visit etc. You spend more time with the children, so they will copy what you say. I'm sorry to hear your older son is struggling, but your younger son will quickly be saying "mama" and then you can teach him what to call his grandmother.

You sound really ungrateful. They’ve helped you no end, they’re using the correct word for their country, which you’re in, you’re happy for them to do the stuff for you but say they’re ‘sabotaging’ you. Honestly, do you think maybe you have post natal depression? You’re so unreasonable that that’s the only conclusion I can come to. I had it and was totally unreasonable but in different ways. Please get help, this isn’t right, and the longer this goes on, the more ingrained these feelings will become.

Sorry, I meant to add - them using your first name is not acceptable, maybe sit down and tell them this.

I just wanted to explain those mysterious personal reasons, I just didn't want to make this post too long.
That non-mama word for grandma was how my partner and his siblings used to call their grandma (my MIL mum). She died 8 months ago and for them ( just my partners parents, my partner wouldn't mind at all.) this word is associated with that particular grandma... They all had wonderful memories of her, she was also always asking about me and our kids. I was thinking that it would be just a beautiful way to remember her but they don't want to.
The other grandma word is super sweet and short and easy to say even for a struggling toddler so I really can't see why. I will ask this time.

Do your in-laws speak English fluently? I do think it would be odd to ask them to use English words if they aren't fluent English speakers. I can't imagine expecting my parents who only speak English words to use non English terms to refer to themselves.

I think you have to accept that you married into a multicultural family and so it isn't only your culture and language that matters and that should supersede. It is completely normal everywhere for grandparents to be called by names that mean grandma and grandpa in their own languages. Do you have parents? What names do your kids use for them? Names that mean grandparents in the language they speak or have you asked them to use names in a different language?

And given you have disabilities and were bedridden, your husband has a right to bring in help given you had a toddler, a newborn, and a bedridden wife. Being jealous or angry that he had help and that everything wasn't how you exactly wanted it is a problem.

It sounds like you are vey controlling. Your wants, your language, your culture are all that matters. You don't really seem to think your husband has much value or worth.

I think you may be over estimating the influence this will have on your ds. You are his primary carer and you will have vastly more influence in the long run.

The most likely outcome is that in a couple years your ds will turn around and correct his gm and demand to know (with a child’s complete absence of tact) why she’s using the wrong names.

When I became a granny, my DIL asked what I would like to be called - that was lovely.

I didn't mind but found myself gravitating towards a particular variation, then it transpired DGG had other ideas and made up her own name for me!

I shouldn't worry about it too much. Things change. Try to see the good / helpful things they do and the annoying things - be grateful that they are only with you for a short time!

Could be worse OP - your in-laws could be from Georgia where " mama" denotes the child's father. (Mothers are " deda".)

And given you have disabilities and were bedridden, your husband has a right to bring in help given you had a toddler, a newborn, and a bedridden wife. Being jealous or angry that he had help and that everything wasn't how you exactly wanted it is a problem.

This is horribly ableist claptrap. She was upset because she wasn't being allowed to hold or interact with her own child, when she was able to. It was her household and it was taken over by a more distant member of the family. I totally get why that would be upsetting, let alone on top of her disability and pregnancy struggles.

It sounds like you are vey controlling. Your wants, your language, your culture are all that matters. You don't really seem to think your husband has much value or worth.

Or maybe she feels that her culture, language, thoughts and feelings are constantly getting trampled on and she's trying to stand up for them? Her culture shoudl matter as much to the child's upbringing as his father's.

OP, regarding the word mama, I can totally see why you don't want it used, and why grandparents using other names when visiting is unhelpful, especially with a child with speech delay and potential autism. I like the idea somebody suggested of grandmother becoming Mama (firstname) or Mama (surname).

I would use the advantage of google translate on your phone, type out what you want to say and show them the phone screen to read. Yes it's not perfect translation but it's not bad.

I think Nana for your mil is a good compromise. Stick a banner up “Welcome Nana and whoever else from DGS 1 and 2” Is it traditional to give a small gift or bunch of flowers on Mil’s arrival? If so put the gift tag on “ to Nana, love from dgs 1 and 2” Just keep referring to her as Nana, she’ll get it eventually.

Yesthatismychildsigh, I am not in their country. We live in UK.
They came here to visit us 3 times, that's all.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

I have a 5yo with autism. He’s non verbal, but if he could say mama and someone else claimed that as their name I’d be devastated.

I think this all hinges on what you want your kids to call you.

The most common in English speaking countries is Mummy or Mum (or mommy/mammy etc)

They are different to Mama.

If that is what you are called then you children will know the difference between Mummy and Mama quite quickly.

If you want Mama for yourself, then I have to say, that is actually a strange choice on your part.
I am in a multicultural/multilingual family and I would never have chosen the word that my children use for me to be the same word that my partners language uses for Grandma.

But why?

I grew up with grandparents on one side from a different country and we called them the names that meant grandma and grandad in their language, even though I didn't grow up bilingual. I really like that connection to that part of my heritage.

I think you've had a really rough time and you are entitled to be upset about whatever feels upsetting. I also get why, even though you say you realise there's no way your children won't grow up knowing you're their mum, you feel personally irritated/upset by it. My MIL repeatedly refers to me as 'auntie Sarah,' and it irritates the heck out of me. So I get it.

I also think it doesn't sound as if they are deliberately trying to hurt or upset you, and they probably haven't understood the connection between how traumatic it was for you while you weren't well, and the words they use. (What you describe as 'sabotage' does sound as if, at least some of the time, they may have been trying to help).

Can you (or your husband) just say to them, look, you have an emotional response to one word for 'grandma'. So you will understand that I have an emotional response to the word for mama. I really, really feel upset about it, because for me it reminds me of that horrible time when I couldn't do much for DC and I didn't feel like a proper mum.

If you frame it in the context of your own emotions rather than a criticism of their language, they might take it better?

If your children usually call you "mama" then you get to keep that name when your MIL arrives. It doesn't matter whether mama is the usual name for a grandma in their home language. Mama is taken. By you, the mother of the children. You get first pick of whatever name best works for you. The grandmothers are welcome to pick from other words from their culture that are left over AFTER you have picked what your children call you.

Am I correct in understanding that while you were on bedrest, you only saw your child from afar and were not able to touch him at all? Was that for medical reasons or just that no one would bring him to you and you were unable to get out of bed to get him? If at all possible, do not ever allow that to happen again. I'm a bit shocked your husband didn't put your child where he could cuddle and hug you a bit every day, but I don't know your medical situation. Maybe I'm misunderstanding.

As to cooking, that's why they came, to help you with your recovery by cooking for the family. I'm not sure why that's a problem, although I understand it might have been part of a bigger pattern of excluding you from your child's daily life and treating you as "not the real mother" in favor of your husband's mother.