Other woman calls herself my babies' mama. Am I the insensitive one?

[Anyarebecca]

Please guys don't feel sorry for me, I'm fine now. Just give me your very honest opinion.

Me and my partner live in the English speaking country and we speak English to each other.

My partners parents come to visit us sometimes, each visit lasts one or two weeks.. In my partners language my name means “mother “ and “mama “ is the word for grandmother. There is also one more very common way for children to call their grandmas in their language but my partners mum doesn't want to be called that “for personal reasons ”.

So every time they are here, they both encourage my toddler to call my partner's mum mama and call me by my first name( mum in their language). To make things even more exciting🙄 I'll tell you that my son has a speech delay and we think he might have autism. Every time they said the M word to describe grandma I just corrected with the huge smile saying “oh, grandma picked you up? Yeah!! ” etc. If not for the language barrier (and the fact I'm not very brave) I would openly talk to them about it but instead I said to my partner how I feel about it. I'm sure he had good intentions but well…The only thing that changed was that they looked very upset and didn't talk to me for a few hours.

When they were here last time, I was heavily pregnant with another baby. I'm chronically ill and disable and this pregnancy was a nightmare for me and the only thing that kept me semi sane was that baby was absolutely fine.

I was laying in bed most of the time, I suffered from inflammatory back pain and crohns disease flare up. Each time I managed to crawl out of bed, they were sabotaging everything I tried to do. If I wanted to cook dinner, they were saying that they planned it already and did shopping, when I wanted to take baby for a walk around the house, they just literally came back from the walk. My baby boy was just learning to walk, he was learning new things each day.. I wasn't able to pick him up or give him a bath for ages. All I could do was just sit and watch him whenever I was pain free.

The is no words to describe how traumatising it was and how much I missed having him in my arms. Yes, I was greatful for the help and I needed help but I also wanted to be a part of that family. Ok, maybe I should suggest that for one evening we could all go to our bedroom so I can see my baby from bed or have him next to me. I didn't, my bad. I felt like all that help was just about taking him away from me. And imagine that mama thing on top of it.

Anyway, I'm fine now. Now we have two beautiful, little babies. One is a lively toddler, one is just learning to crawl. And here I am, waiting for my partner's parents to arrive again, having some awful flashbacks from that horrible pregnancy and even more horrible c section that left me even more disable for 4 weeks than I ever was before.

Please, tell me people who is right here.

Shall I just tell myself that the fact that this woman will call herself mama for a few days every few months won't make my sons grow up believing she is the mother and I should just shut up and let her do it?

But it just seems weird and wrong. And when they are older and decide to learn that language (my partner is too lazy to teach them 😉) they will obviously know that their mum's first name means mother in that language and they will probably find it amusing and funny. But for now we are really struggling to make our toddler repeat anything after us. He says mama and dada but he is not calling us, he just says that like younger babies do. Yes, we are seeing Dr, we are currently waiting for autism assessment and referal to the speech and language therapy.

Thank you for reading.

This is super passive-aggressive and childish. Please don't do this.

OP I'm a mama and my MIL is Mamie (French word for Nana). Is there something like that that could be used for MIL?? I was a bit miffed at first tbh but actually, over time it's become like it's massively different from Mama!

btw - you're not overreacting or over thinking it. The things that happen to us during pregnancy and when our babies and children are small can have a massive impact, more than similar things may do at other times.

I was also I'll during pregnancy while I had a young toddler and it was devastating to daily not her able to mother him like I would naturally have done. And then on top of that to watch someone else take my place. And then to only have to show gratitude. And I was thankful, but that didn't compare to the pain it caused me and I had to swallow on a daily basis.

Is it Cantonese language?. My children call their paternal grandmother ‘Mama’. The tone is lower than saying mother in Cantonese which also sounds like ‘Mama’ but has a higher tone. The tone difference is not noticeable if you don’t speak the language. My daughter who is now 4 has no problems differentiating the tones. She had a slight speech delay and I think it was down to learning two languages. But she has now caught up with no problem and is bilingual. I’m British born but am bilingual and I love it. It’s great for travelling and opens up a new world culturally like being able to order at a Chinese restaurant in Chinese, visiting China, watching Chinese tv, listening Chinese music, poetry etc.

I was gonna ask if it is Chinese as well. As ‘grandma’ for dads mum is ‘mama’ which sounds exactly like mama for mum if you don’t speak the language. But if you do there’s a very distinctive difference. I think you should respect your husband/ your children’s culture and let them call their paternal grandparents in their language

I think that unless you are ‘mama’ you’re going to have to give her that because it’s a normal word for grandma in their language BUT this means that they need to call you ‘mummy’ or whatever it is to respect your language in the same way.

The cooking and stuff sounds like an effort to help you when you were ill but the interfering with your interactions with your child part is not ok.

Just make sure you refer to yourself to your ds as mummy or mum, and not mama.

Mama will just be the word for grandma.

Invalidating your dc's other language is not doing anyone any favours. Many, many cultures have something that sounds very similar to mama or mummy (when my toddler ds was lost in France and said he was looking for mummy, the police told me he was looking for his grandmother, I had to explain that he meant me). It doesn't in any way mean that the grandmothers in all these countries are trying to usurp their gc's mothers' positions!

What really stood out for me is that your MIL and DP are encouraging your kids to call you by your first name. That is awful! There seems to be two different langauge issues here.

1. mama is their langauge means 'nan'. What do call yourself to your kids? IF it's something else (mummy, mamma) then I would let this one go. If you call yourself mama, that is a problem to address. I actually think that the other name being associated with her own mum is a good reason not to want to use it. BUT that reason becomes garbage if it is already YOUR name for your kids, because then that name is already 'taken' too.
2. They are encouraging your kids to call you by your first name, because it so happens to mean 'mummy' in your DP's language. That is very bad and needs to stop now. You need to explain clearly that you don't speak that langauge, to you it's your name, you want a special mum name and this is not it.

So in essence, I might compromise on point 1, never on point 2. Make this clear to DP before the visit, get him to back you up every time.

In the English speaking world, the term 'other woman' or OW usually refers to an affair partner. A woman your partner or husband is having an extramarital affair with.

Your title is a bit misleading, it's your mother in law who is calling herself Mama not the other woman. I found it a bit confusing at first and thought your partner was having an affair. And that his affair partner was calling herself your child's mama.

@EstellaRijnveld I think it's pretty clear that english is not the OP's first language, and title aside she explained the problem clearly.

Yes, I would like them to call me mama. This is how my 13 year old son from previous relationship calls me.
I wouldn't mind kids to call her Mama First Name at all and I will bring it up.
And yes, it is traditional to preper the gifts from grandparents. We bought some gifts and we made some as well! 😊

EstellaRijnveld I'm sorry! It didn't mean to be a click bait or I didn't want to mislead anyone. By other woman I meant someone else other than me 😬 I'm not the native speaker myself.

That's OK, it was easy just to say my partner's mum or my mother in law. It's easier to understand then.

Why can’t you just add her name to the end? Say if her name was Rose she’d be called “mama Rose”. The word “mama” might seem a big deal to you but it probably won’t be for your kids growing up in the U.K.

Cross post.

#Yuzuyu No, is not Cantonese but you actually made me really curious and I'm just trying to find out what that difference in tone is!

No, is not a cross post. I asked that question on quorra but I deleted it before anyone answered because I decided this will be the better place.
Thank you everyone. We discussed it with my partner and we decided to come out to his parents with many other options that are not just mama. They are all of those you suggested and also some that my partner made up. I am not ungrateful and I was thanking them (yes, in their language 😊) every time I managed to crawl to see them.
Me and my MIL have a lot in common. We have the same hobby, we both have 3 children and we both like certain type of music. I'm sure everything will be fine. I'm in the different place now than I was 8 month ago. My partner understands now how I felt.
I'm just trying to separate his parents ( who are the reason I have such an amazing partner) and the traumatic pregnancy memories and build some new ones.

Of course I didn't mind them calling me by my first name to talk to me, what I meant is they were point to me and saying that word.

The reason I didn't want to talk was not to upset them but messages through my partner did the same job so this time I will speak out.

Once more, thank you very much. Wishing all the best to all mums, mamas, mummies, grandmas and everyone 😊

If he can't speak to call you anything, why are you fussing about what he calls you? This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

And they've been here 3 times for one or two weeks! They are hardly big problem and can't have that much influence. You are being silly. Just get them to call you mum/mummy or whatever is usual in your area of the UK. This really is unbelievable.

Sorry quite unreasonable. This is a language and culture issue, and nothing to do with replacing you. In her eyes, she is granny, and they way you express that in her language is Mama. Like a PP said, in French, the work is Mamie. Your kid is not calling his gran 'Mum', the English word which he will no doubt use to refer to you. Pick your battles.

I grew up with a mum/mummy, a moomi (grandmother) and a mama (great grandmother), it wasn't a problem at all. I knew who each of them was and their relationship to me.

You had children with a partner who speaks another language. Your kids will hear Hungarian and will figure out what words mean, eventually.
You are making a big deal over it, and I get that it’s most likely driven by you being hormonal and unwell when these things happened.

Plenty of Enghish/Hungarian bi lingual kids switch between languages and know that when they call their Hungarian grandparent ‘mama’ they aren’t calling her ‘mother’. It’s just another language’s name for her.

They obviously shouldn’t dictate what your kids call you when they are visiting. But they can speak in their language and use the words they use to refer to you as ‘mother’ in their language. So, equally - you can’t force what they call their gp when they speak their second language.

I think mono-lingual people don’t quite get that kids minds are able to process and understand more than one language, and that it won’t affect their communication with them as parents.

With your elder speech issues - when he is a bit older - see a speech therapist. But bilingual kids take longer to speak, and boys even mote so. It doesn’t have to be a speech delay - just takes more processing to recognise/start speaking more than one language.

Mostly - don’t worry and try to focus on the good things in your life - your kids now. Dwelling on some past experiences where your in-laws were trying to be helpful but it didn’t work - isn’t really helpful. It’s a good thing your kids have involved grandparents who want to help. It’s nice to have a big family as a kid.

Do you mean your actual English name co-incidentally means mummy in their language?

Yes - in Hungarian:
mama - means grandma
anya - means mummy, mother, etc

Its not confusing for bi lingual kids.

This is in the OP:

In my partners language my name means “mother “ and “mama “ is the word for grandmother.