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Original poster

Dating again?

49 replies

SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 11:04

How do you date if you have children with you full time? It’s the time of the year when my birthday approaches and it’s just got me thinking how alone I am and it would be nice to have someone special around, someone that cares about me, someone to do stuff with.

I’ve been single for over 5 years now (nothing at all in that time) as I have my children with me full time and I’ve always wanted to put them first and not introduce them to anyone too quickly but it gets to a point when you want to also have a life for yourself. Has anyone managed to successfully meet someone if they have their children with them full time? or do I just need to accept I will be alone for at least another 10 years? By then I would be worried I would be too old to meet someone. Babysitters are not an option as I can’t afford it, and how soon would you introduce someone to your children? (Not thinking of straight away but realistic time frame)

OP posts:
Notanotherchange · 13/10/2022 11:10

how old are the kids?

lbzbean · 13/10/2022 11:20

You can't get a baby sitter so how would you go out? It doesn't sound like you are in a position to date.

To be successful in a relationship you would also have to be able to give and take at least a little with your priorities, 100% "my kids come first" might be difficult.

Once kids get to be teenagers and are so absorbed with their electronics they don't care where you are all evening things get considerably easier.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 11:26

I could afford to go out but not the prices of babysitters on top which is what I meant (I’m surprised how expensive they are these days!) so babysitters plus night out and on a weekly basis is unaffordable, I know other mums manage to date whilst having their kids full time so I was wondering how...

OP posts:
zonky · 13/10/2022 11:28

Although it might be lovely to have a partner, you are assuming that the only thing stopping you from dating is childcare.

Who is to say you will be successful in meeting someone? OLD is a cesspit for most people, you don't know whether you will or won't meet soon, or at all; it's a waste of time most of the time (even for those who are childless). It would be different if there was an actual man waiting for you and all you need to do is sort out your childcare.

Dating is time, financially and emotionally 'expensive'.

gogohmm · 13/10/2022 11:53

Do you have friends you can swop babysitting with? Have their kids over for a sleepover and vice versa?

Lunch dates if you work nearby

Meet in kid friendly places where they are too busy to notice you chatting?

In reality many people do introduce once they are confident this person is going to be in their life a while, no set time - also depends a bit on the age of the children, my DD's knew I was dating because one set up my profile

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 12:08

it is the only thing stopping me, if I didn’t have children then I certainly wouldn’t have spent 5 years without dating.

no no friends to swap it with unfortunately as they don’t need help with childcare lunch dates could work

OP posts:
zonky · 13/10/2022 12:27

SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 12:08

it is the only thing stopping me, if I didn’t have children then I certainly wouldn’t have spent 5 years without dating.

no no friends to swap it with unfortunately as they don’t need help with childcare lunch dates could work

What I was trying to say is that the poor quality of men available is a thing that's stopping a lot of people from dating.

You're assuming you'd be meeting kind, fun , interesting, desirable men...who is to say this would be the case? Do you go on forums on here and read the horror most people (women) go through on OLD (if that's your best platform to meet single men)?

@gogohmm my friend did lunch time dates and most men tired of it after....lunch date 1. It's rushed and not very spontaneous and also always on your terms (your lunch break and not theirs). Relationships require a degree of spontaneity, weekend away? Impossible. Always having to be at yours after kids are in bed (assuming you'd even want to introduce anyone) it gets boring. It's tough Op, no actual advice!

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 12:31

All of my female friends are dating so none of them have actually given up trying to meet someone. Outside of mumsnet most women are still keen on dating, I’ve been alone for 5 years but I do miss intimacy and I’m not willing to go another 5/10 years without any. Other single mums manage to date so I’m sure there is ways to make it work.

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 13/10/2022 12:34

SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 12:31

All of my female friends are dating so none of them have actually given up trying to meet someone. Outside of mumsnet most women are still keen on dating, I’ve been alone for 5 years but I do miss intimacy and I’m not willing to go another 5/10 years without any. Other single mums manage to date so I’m sure there is ways to make it work.

Definitely worth talking to other "mum" friends and ask about babysitting favour swaps - that way you don't have any extra expense.

Do you have any family nearby that might help?

Good luck!

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 12:35

I have family but they don’t/wont help. The single mums I know are free on the weekends as their kids see their dads.

OP posts:
Undecidedandtorn · 13/10/2022 12:38

How old are your children?

zonky · 13/10/2022 13:25

SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 12:31

All of my female friends are dating so none of them have actually given up trying to meet someone. Outside of mumsnet most women are still keen on dating, I’ve been alone for 5 years but I do miss intimacy and I’m not willing to go another 5/10 years without any. Other single mums manage to date so I’m sure there is ways to make it work.

Nobody is saying you shouldn't want what you want whatever that is intimacy, relationship etc. But you've said you can't afford babysitters (entirely reasonable) and you have no family and friends to help on a regular basis. You're not being realistic.

Yes they manage because a) they can afford babysitters b) have ex partners on the scene c) have family that can help regularly d) introduce their children to partners (probably early).

DropOfffArtiste · 13/10/2022 13:32

Do you have a general social life without the kids? See your friends? How do you manage that? Same thing.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 13:36

No I don’t meet up without them. Oldest is 11 youngest is 5. If I meet up with friends then it’s with the kids.

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 13/10/2022 13:42

its a moot question, you can’t take your kids on dates and you can’t invite randoms to the house with your kids there. As such, if you can’t afford child care and you have no one to take them then I’m sorry but dating isn’t possible for you until you can afford a baby sitter for a couple of hours or you find someone who can take them or they are old enough to not need care/

Floweryflora · 13/10/2022 13:43

SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 12:31

All of my female friends are dating so none of them have actually given up trying to meet someone. Outside of mumsnet most women are still keen on dating, I’ve been alone for 5 years but I do miss intimacy and I’m not willing to go another 5/10 years without any. Other single mums manage to date so I’m sure there is ways to make it work.

They manage to date as they have child care, be it paid, family or the father. You must know this right?

arethereanyleftatall · 13/10/2022 13:43

No advise for you op, as you're right, your options are really limited unfortunately, so just hugs. Flowers

You could always just go online and start chatting to blokes. Nothing stopping that.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 13:45

Floweryflora · 13/10/2022 13:43

They manage to date as they have child care, be it paid, family or the father. You must know this right?

Show quote history

No Theres mums in similar situations who still date, I’m guessing introducing kids early on

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 13:46

I think I will try the lunch dates then go from there...

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 13/10/2022 13:49

SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 13:45

No Theres mums in similar situations who still date, I’m guessing introducing kids early on

Show quote history

Yes op you are right, there are women who invite random men from online to their house when the kids are there, the sort of man who agreee to this isn’t the sort you want to have near your children. And the sort that wants to have dates with you and your kids isn’t also the type you want near them.

think snout what you’re saying here. You cannot date initially with your children present. There is no time they are not present. Unless during the school day when most men will be working. What sort of magic answer do you want?

HangryFeminist · 13/10/2022 13:51

You need to try and extend your friendship circle to include other single mothers in the same position, so you can help each other out. That’s all I can think of.

Sorry OP, it must be tough. 💐

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 13:53

There’s no need for rude comments, yes people do introduce men early to their children, I haven’t done that and I’ve been single and celibate for 5 years but I would like to start thinking about myself (for once)
I do have some time when they are at school I don’t think it’s wrong to ask how other single mums without childcare manage to date as many do
or are we all expected to our own lives on lives on hold for 18 years?

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 13/10/2022 13:54

put our own lives*

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 13/10/2022 13:58

Agree with the suggestions to expand your social circle and perhaps find other single mums who would appreciate a childcare swap.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/10/2022 13:58

Ok op. Peoples options for dating are:

  1. Go when the other parent has their children
  2. Go when family has their children.
  3. Go when friends look after their children.
  4. Pay for childcare
  5. Go on lunch dates if you both are able
  6. Go on a date along with your children.

You are saying 1-4 aren't available, so you're left with 5 or 6. That's it. And you're right, it is a shame.