Dating again?

[SpinningFloppa]

How do you date if you have children with you full time? It’s the time of the year when my birthday approaches and it’s just got me thinking how alone I am and it would be nice to have someone special around, someone that cares about me, someone to do stuff with.

I’ve been single for over 5 years now (nothing at all in that time) as I have my children with me full time and I’ve always wanted to put them first and not introduce them to anyone too quickly but it gets to a point when you want to also have a life for yourself. Has anyone managed to successfully meet someone if they have their children with them full time? or do I just need to accept I will be alone for at least another 10 years? By then I would be worried I would be too old to meet someone. Babysitters are not an option as I can’t afford it, and how soon would you introduce someone to your children? (Not thinking of straight away but realistic time frame)

It's really tough OP. I've been single for 10 years now... DD is just old enough for me to leave her home alone in the evenings... and now I can't find anyone to date! OLD is truly awful 😞 I hope you manage to sort out some time for yourself - try reliable local teenagers. Hopefully they won't want £40 an evening like the babysitters around here do!

Wish I knew some teenagers that’s why babysitting isn’t an option as I don’t know any teens, so would have to hire a professional and that’s where the cost comes in as not the same as getting a friends teen who would cost a lot less.

Even teens are asking for £10 an hour around my way.

It's possible to find a man who works shifts or flexible working, where he could have time off while your children are at school, maybe more of a minority but anything could be possible.
I have in the past been on dates when the children were at school. The problem is finding a someone compatible.

You could start swiping and filter with video chats until you meet someone you like enough to spend £40. There are slim pickings on OLD anyway.

I'm a solo mother by choice (donor conceived child) and knew when I had him that it would pretty much wipe out any chance of dating for a while (probably years). I'm late to motherhood so have spent a good two decades dating and being in various types of relationships, so I'm sort of glad a child has put a stop to it for a while as I was spending (wasting) too much time in it getting nowhere!

Dating does require a degree of flexibility as I'm sure you are aware, I mean even fwb require a degree of flexibility and it's not fair to ask of this other person to always be willing and able to accommodate you, that's unreasonable. And the relationship won't last .Your (our) children might be our world but they're not theirs. As has already said, perhaps not having dated in a log time, OLD isn't the panacea of lovely eligible men and it's just a question of being able to meet them. It's a hard slog usually with few returns if any. Ask yourself, what can YOU offer someone right now? If it was the other way round, would you be happy with that level of availability? It's difficult.

One thing I would say op, and this is where it's deeply unfair on single parents, especially those who take time to get ready for dates - is I'm afraid - and this is my experience only of about 50 OLD dates - about 5% will organise time and location and not show up at all, about 20% will agree to a date then disappear, and about 10% will have a time and location sorted and contact you less than 24 hours before to say they can't make it.

@arethereanyleftatall

Yes this is true! A very good point! I remember this being the case when I was single and childless, and it was crap then, but there was no fall out financially at least ! Just more time wasted (obviously that's still rubbish!).

I'm not sure if Op is seeing her friends partnered up with men (they'd met OLD?) and hoping it would be the case for her if she were to date? There's an illusion of choice on OLD but the reality is quite different for many people.

Sorry if the rude thing was aimed at me, it was not intended that way,

the issue is you have a quick lunch date , or a couple . Then what? You can’t conduct a relationship in weekday lunch hours, and that needs to include the travel there and back, and you can’t invite a man you’ve only met a few times briefly to your house for sex with your kids there nor can you take your kids to his. It will be hard to find someone who wants an exclusively lunch hour relationship.

you could ask your local school for late teens who would baby sit. Say your going rate is 7 pounds an hour, three hours, that’s 21 quid. Say twice a month. The issue is many won’t give up their Friday or sat evenings for this. But some might for say between 7 and 10pm as they can go out after.. It’s worth a shot. You may also get a week night.

but there is no doubt with no friends, no family, no father and no money to pay for child care either, it’s very very difficult.

I think this is why a lot of women end up introducing partners early, I’m not going to swear to a life of celibacy until my children have grown up (wasn’t my choice to be a single mum) I haven’t had sex since I was 28 I’m now 33! Sorry but I feel to young to give up my love life,
great if it is a choice but it wasn’t for me, this is why many people stay in relationships they aren’t 100% happy with as they won’t have anything to offer anyone else apparently because they are a single mum 😏

I don't date as I'm in the same position. I have a FB and we meet during the daytime as WFH. Once or twice a month. Been doing this for a year now. I've got another ten years before I can realistically date properly. It's hard, you have my sympathies.

Thank you for understanding some of these comments are a bit unnecessary what is wrong with wanting to feel cared about and wanted again?! I’ve been on my own for a long time, most humans want relationships! Great if you want to be on your own forever sure but most of us don’t feel that way, just feels like another punishment can’t even want to meet someone I must be alone forever until my kid’s have grown up and moved out Meanwhile my ex is free to do whatever he pleases. Everyone I know has someone so it gets extremely lonely and isolating, another birthday completely alone.

The responses on here aren’t particularly helpful OP. I agree with that and I agree with you. It is very hard. The FWB option during the daytime as someone else has mentioned they do, may be useful to at least tick that box off. It’s not for everyone though.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a new relationship and/or sex but we are realistic that it is tricky to find childfree time to meet someone if you don't have family/friends to help out.

Dating can be quite a lonely process anyway. Do you have friends who might be willing to have the kids for a bit even if you don't directly swap?

Nobody has said you deserve to be single, lonely, isolated or whatever it is that you feel about not having a partner. However you are not seeing that your current set up and circumstances aren't conducive to dating; if you want to date then you need to try and change your circumstances.

Your ex partner has decided to abdicate parental responsibility, so it's not really helpful to compare him to yourself.

Are you able to spend your birthday with family at least?

Have a look for local Gingerbread meetup groups where you might meet other single parents in the same boat.

No I’m not close to my family I will spend it with my children.

No friends that will have them unfortunately it’s really not an option. Will look at gingerbread Thanks.

and no I shouldn’t have really compared it to my ex but it things like this why I wish I just put up with him if I knew I was going to need to stay single for the next 18 years.

She'd have to return the favour of babysitting someone else's child (ren), that in itself could be difficult. Coordinating favours could be a hassle too. And also, just because they're single parents doesn't mean they will be in the same situation as Op (like her single mum friends who have support and can go out).

Do you work Op? Can you see a situation in the future where you could afford a babysitter for an evening on weekends?

Yes it is not guaranteed, but she might meet someone in the same boat. No harm in trying, is there?

I’m a totally lone parent and it’s pretty impossible unfortunately. I did used to get a babysitter when she was younger but now she’s a bit old for that but not old enough to be left for any length of time in an evening. No sleepovers or weekends away would ever be possible so relationships just don’t work. I introduced her to my last partner but that ended a couple of weeks ago and I couldn’t do that to her again so I’m resigned to being alone now until she’s independent.

I'm a solo parent and this is my fear too, meeting someone and then some time down the line the relationship ending and my child by this point has already gotten attached and then them dealing with the fall out... it's hard as the other person doesn't have any obligation to stick around so it's always a risk introducing a partner to your child...I don't know what the solution is... Before I had my son I never really thought about all the complexities that having a romantic partner would entail when you have a child in tow. I'm not looking for a father figure or anything like that so I'm not looking for a blended family situation. I reassure myself by remembering how dating when I was childless was just as difficult but in a different way (as back then I was looking for a partner to have a child with! And when that didn't work out, I decided to go solo and down the sperm donor route), now that this issue is no longer present, the dating complexities still remain it's just different now. I think if I had a wide network of friends who were available to meet up and hang out with on a regular basis, I don't think I'd be that interested in trying to meet someone, but it isn't the case so the lack of community is really what's at the crux of it for me.