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Original poster

What does he mean?

39 replies

user1489616179 · 12/10/2022 22:13

My husband said earlier “only you (meaning me) can destroy our marriage “. When I asked him how he wouldn’t elaborate and just said “I don’t know “
This has worried me as it feels like a veiled threat.

opinions please

OP posts:
Whatsnextfor · 12/10/2022 22:49

user1489616179 · 12/10/2022 22:13

My husband said earlier “only you (meaning me) can destroy our marriage “. When I asked him how he wouldn’t elaborate and just said “I don’t know “
This has worried me as it feels like a veiled threat.

opinions please

I would take that as he is maybe saying he won’t ever do anything to destroy the relationship that if the relationship was destroyed it would be because of something you had done? Oh god I don’t even know if that has come out right

Watchkeys · 12/10/2022 23:17

Need more context, OP. What's your relationship generally like? Does he make you feel like you're ruining everything, or like your problems are more generally destructive? Does he accuse you of causing problems within the relationship?

MMmomDD · 12/10/2022 23:18

It’s impossible to know for us - we don’t know either of you and don’t know the dynamics of your relationship.
This phrase can mean a lot of different things.

Stickmansmum · 12/10/2022 23:18

Either - he will make sure it’s never him who causes an end to things

Or - he’s threatening you to watch your behaviour

B1rd · 12/10/2022 23:21

He's saying he won't ever destroy your relationship. He may be concerned that you might. He doesn't know how you will, but Id say he's not secure with you.

Waterlemon · 12/10/2022 23:23

He doesn’t have to be accountable for any of his actions, but should you have finally had enough and end the relationship- it would be all your fault that the relationship ended, and nothing to do with him, because you’re the one to end it!

Original poster
user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 07:37

Our relationship is good - we’ve only been married for 4.5 years but he cannot take any criticism even if it’s meant constructively so I agree with the other comment that he’s warning me to watch what I say. This makes me feel that I’m walking on eggshells. It just seemed a strange thing to say out of the blue.

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 13/10/2022 07:46

Did he really make that comment completely out of the blue?

Surely something had just happened / was being discussed that he found intolerable? There has to be more context here surely...

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 13/10/2022 07:49

He's saying that if you two split up then it will be your fault.

QuietNeighbour · 13/10/2022 07:50

He’s taking no responsibility for what usually takes two.

R0BYN · 13/10/2022 08:06

user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 07:37

Our relationship is good - we’ve only been married for 4.5 years but he cannot take any criticism even if it’s meant constructively so I agree with the other comment that he’s warning me to watch what I say. This makes me feel that I’m walking on eggshells. It just seemed a strange thing to say out of the blue.

I agree. He’s warning you that if you say or do anything he doesn’t like then he will leave and it will be your fault.

I know a woman who put up with her husbands poor behaviour for years. She went for counselling and the counsellor encouraged her to tell her husband how she felt. So she sat him down and quiet and calmly told him how unhappy she was.

The next night he came in and told her he was leaving her, that he had got somewhere else to stay and was moving out at the weekend. He refused to say anymore and wouldn't speak another word to her “ There’s nothing to discuss “. She begged him to stay , asked what she had done, why he was leaving. He refused to talk.

She was utterly devastated , completely fell apart. He moved out as promised a few days later and continued to have no contact with her. All her friends told her there was another woman but she refused to believe it.

Her family thought he was a wonderful man and asked her what she had done to drive him away, had she given him enough sex, didn’t she think she has put on a few pounds etc .

She didn’t press him for a divorce as she still hoped that he would come back.

Six months later he turned up and told her that he was willing to take her back. He claimed that he left because that’s what she wanted, that she had destroyed their marriage with her constant criticism and abuse , that he had never stopped loving her but he wanted her to see how terrible life would be without him.

Choconut · 13/10/2022 08:16

Not being able to take any criticism can be a sign of very low self esteem (your non existent self esteem just can't cope with it) - it's common in personality disorders from what I've read and IME. I'd be very wary, he's telling you that anything that ever goes wrong will always be your fault in his opinion and that is not a good place to be.

Dery · 13/10/2022 08:19

“He’s taking no responsibility for what usually takes two.”

This.

A close relative of mine went through a bad patch early on in her marriage. Her H had retreated into himself and was being neglectful and selfish. When she asked for his attention or tried to talk about her feelings, he said that she was being unreasonable and he wasn’t making any demands on her so she shouldn’t make any on him. One day she pointed out that he was making demands on her - he was expecting her to put up with his neglect of her. This moved the dial and they were able to get through and come out stronger.

Your H needs to realise that he is potentially doing the same as my relative’s H. He might decide his own behaviour isn’t contributing to the breakdown of your marriage but that’s a decision for two, not just one person.

Original poster
user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 08:30

We were watching MAFSUK. I have asked him again today and he said it will be me that ends it not him. Still seems a strange thing to say though 🤣

OP posts:
Scepticalwotsits · 13/10/2022 08:31

It’s him shirking responsibility. Making all the issues be about you.that’s not on.

but and this is a soft one - you say won’t even take constructive criticism - often what one person sees as gentle helpful critique can actually puncture holes in the other person.

his comment leads me to believe the primary issue is him and not you OP but it never hurts to see what you can also do to improve. (Not for him but for yourself)

justhadit · 13/10/2022 08:33

That he can’t be wrong, it must be you.

FangsForTheMemory · 13/10/2022 08:50

It sounds like a threat to me: ‘If you don’t do what I tell you, you will destroy our marriage.’

Original poster
user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 09:23

That’s what he said it meant and that I’m reading too much into it

OP posts:
QuietNeighbour · 13/10/2022 09:50

user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 08:30

We were watching MAFSUK. I have asked him again today and he said it will be me that ends it not him. Still seems a strange thing to say though 🤣

Well OK maybe it’s more like he’s saying he thinks he’s more into you than you are into him? Or that he’s more committed to working through any problems. That he would stick with you no matter how unhappy you or he became.

my steodad used to say similar to my mum at least till he left her! And was similarly infuriating when it came to -not- explaining himself

QuietNeighbour · 13/10/2022 09:52

user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 09:23

That’s what he said it meant and that I’m reading too much into it

‘Reading too much into it’ is what happens when people don’t explain what they mean

Lizneedsamotto · 13/10/2022 09:55

Your relationship is not good if he cannot take any criticism.

Relations survive or fail on how disagreements are handled. Not on how well you get on when everything is fine anyway.

Lizneedsamotto · 13/10/2022 09:58

R0BYN · 13/10/2022 08:06

I agree. He’s warning you that if you say or do anything he doesn’t like then he will leave and it will be your fault.

I know a woman who put up with her husbands poor behaviour for years. She went for counselling and the counsellor encouraged her to tell her husband how she felt. So she sat him down and quiet and calmly told him how unhappy she was.

The next night he came in and told her he was leaving her, that he had got somewhere else to stay and was moving out at the weekend. He refused to say anymore and wouldn't speak another word to her “ There’s nothing to discuss “. She begged him to stay , asked what she had done, why he was leaving. He refused to talk.

She was utterly devastated , completely fell apart. He moved out as promised a few days later and continued to have no contact with her. All her friends told her there was another woman but she refused to believe it.

Her family thought he was a wonderful man and asked her what she had done to drive him away, had she given him enough sex, didn’t she think she has put on a few pounds etc .

She didn’t press him for a divorce as she still hoped that he would come back.

Six months later he turned up and told her that he was willing to take her back. He claimed that he left because that’s what she wanted, that she had destroyed their marriage with her constant criticism and abuse , that he had never stopped loving her but he wanted her to see how terrible life would be without him.

Show quote history

Dear God, please tell me she didn’t take him back!

Polimolly · 13/10/2022 10:09

"Six months later he turned up and told her that he was willing to take her back. He claimed that he left because that’s what she wanted, that she had destroyed their marriage with her constant criticism and abuse , that he had never stopped loving her but he wanted her to see how terrible life would be without him."

I hope she didn't even let him into the house! And her family asking if he was giving him enough sex, what the fuck???? Are they living in the XV century?

R0BYN · 13/10/2022 11:02

Polimolly · 13/10/2022 10:09

"Six months later he turned up and told her that he was willing to take her back. He claimed that he left because that’s what she wanted, that she had destroyed their marriage with her constant criticism and abuse , that he had never stopped loving her but he wanted her to see how terrible life would be without him."

I hope she didn't even let him into the house! And her family asking if he was giving him enough sex, what the fuck???? Are they living in the XV century?

I wish I could tell you that she told him to get to fuck. But she took him back and he continued to abuse her emotionally and psychological for 6 years, until he left her to move in with his latest affair partner.

Now she is divorcing him and he’s blocking it at every turn, using the divorce process to further abuse and control her.

Im telling this story because I hope it will help you OP. If your instinct was that what your husband said was a threat, then I believe you.

Everyone has issues in their marriage. If you are not allowed to discuss them, you have to swallow your feelings of unhappiness and resentment. Eventually this will make you ill - physically or mentally or both.

It’s impossible the live with someone who requires 100% compliance , 100% of the time.

Lizneedsamotto · 13/10/2022 11:19

It’s impossible the live with someone who requires 100% compliance , 100% of the time

Even if he doesn’t expect compliance, if he is unwilling to hear you when you raise issues with him/ the relationship, then he/ the relationship can never change or improve. You will be perpetually unheard and having to squash down your own feelings and resentments and ‘put up with.’

He’s told you and shown you pretty plainly that he will never need to put the work in as he’s never at fault.

From someone whose been there, don’t ignore those red flags. And don’t have kids with this man. Kids require a cooperative team. Not a sullen man child who can’t accept fault ( meaning all the fault will always be yours, as he has already told you).