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Original poster

What does he mean?

39 replies

user1489616179 · 12/10/2022 22:13

My husband said earlier “only you (meaning me) can destroy our marriage “. When I asked him how he wouldn’t elaborate and just said “I don’t know “
This has worried me as it feels like a veiled threat.

opinions please

OP posts:
Original poster
user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 13:46

No children for us - we’re late 50s and retired

OP posts:
Aggypanthus · 13/10/2022 13:49

He's telling you to watch your mouth OP. It is a warning. I would shove his warning and say what the chuff I like. Nobody should be censored

Watchkeys · 13/10/2022 14:42

user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 07:37

Our relationship is good - we’ve only been married for 4.5 years but he cannot take any criticism even if it’s meant constructively so I agree with the other comment that he’s warning me to watch what I say. This makes me feel that I’m walking on eggshells. It just seemed a strange thing to say out of the blue.

If you ever feel you're walking on eggshells, your relationship isn't good.

When you said you've asked him again, what was it you asked him? I can't think of a question that would have the answer you got, other than 'If our marriage ends, will it be you or me that ends it?', but I can't imagine you asked him that.

knittingaddict · 13/10/2022 19:40

Waterlemon · 12/10/2022 23:23

He doesn’t have to be accountable for any of his actions, but should you have finally had enough and end the relationship- it would be all your fault that the relationship ended, and nothing to do with him, because you’re the one to end it!

This.

If he can't explain himself I doubt he means any good or positive. He's putting all the fault on you, no matter what happens. All future problems in your marriage are firmly in your court, according to him. It's not nice, is it?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 13/10/2022 19:41

Telling you to watch your step and keep your mouth shut. This cannot go anywhere good.

knittingaddict · 13/10/2022 19:42

R0BYN · 13/10/2022 08:06

I agree. He’s warning you that if you say or do anything he doesn’t like then he will leave and it will be your fault.

I know a woman who put up with her husbands poor behaviour for years. She went for counselling and the counsellor encouraged her to tell her husband how she felt. So she sat him down and quiet and calmly told him how unhappy she was.

The next night he came in and told her he was leaving her, that he had got somewhere else to stay and was moving out at the weekend. He refused to say anymore and wouldn't speak another word to her “ There’s nothing to discuss “. She begged him to stay , asked what she had done, why he was leaving. He refused to talk.

She was utterly devastated , completely fell apart. He moved out as promised a few days later and continued to have no contact with her. All her friends told her there was another woman but she refused to believe it.

Her family thought he was a wonderful man and asked her what she had done to drive him away, had she given him enough sex, didn’t she think she has put on a few pounds etc .

She didn’t press him for a divorce as she still hoped that he would come back.

Six months later he turned up and told her that he was willing to take her back. He claimed that he left because that’s what she wanted, that she had destroyed their marriage with her constant criticism and abuse , that he had never stopped loving her but he wanted her to see how terrible life would be without him.

Show quote history

That is so calculating it made me shudder. I hope she didn't take him back, but she did, didn't she?

pictish · 13/10/2022 19:44

He won’t be held accountable for any bad behaviour, is what I think it means.

dudsville · 13/10/2022 19:45

That is a really strange thing to say. I can understand the confusion. Only he can explain himself. Sounds like a proper talk is needed.

Pixiedust1234 · 13/10/2022 19:57

There's two scenarios. Only you will know but if it sent a chill down your spine then heed it.

  1. He is so madly in love with you, totally besotted that he cannot ever see himself being unfaithful so it would have to be you that breaks the marriage OR
  2. As the others say, he's warning you that it will never be his fault as he knows how to twist things around. You will never win.
Original poster
user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 21:22

I asked him what he meant and was it a warning. He laughed and said he meant he would never end our marriage and that it definitely was not a warning and if he had any negative thoughts about our marriage he would be honest and tell me outright.

l’m still not sure tbh - my gut says differently…

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 13/10/2022 21:32

He's doing the groundwork to make sure you don't step out of line. Massive red flag.

JanglyBeads · 13/10/2022 22:12

Doyoumind · 13/10/2022 21:32

He's doing the groundwork to make sure you don't step out of line. Massive red flag.

This.

(Divorced of 11 years!)

R0BYN · 15/10/2022 15:14

user1489616179 · 13/10/2022 21:22

I asked him what he meant and was it a warning. He laughed and said he meant he would never end our marriage and that it definitely was not a warning and if he had any negative thoughts about our marriage he would be honest and tell me outright.

l’m still not sure tbh - my gut says differently…

Trust your gut.

Id be getting my ducks in a row. .

R0BYN · 15/10/2022 15:15

@knittingaddict yes she did take him back. He continued to treat her very badly until he left 6 years later for OW.

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