I don’t want to celebrate our wedding anniversary

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Husband and I have nearly been married a year, and over the last few weeks I keep thinking back to our wedding and am full of sadness.

Although I sound ungrateful, and hate to say it to family members for fear of upsetting them, my wedding was not the day I wanted. I wanted a very small day - witnesses only at a registry office, and a small romantic meal after. I have social anxiety and didn’t want a big day at all. My OH was pretty insistent we did something “small with friends and family” but it ended up with around 80 guests, and was very stressful.

I ended up taking the reigns with most the arrangements (I’m a SAHP & OH works full time), and my mum also helped. I made a huge wedding cake (it took me a full week before the wedding!) and had to assemble it on the day so I only had 5 minutes to get dressed and makeup on. Was almost late to the ceremony!

I was also pregnant, and charged with caring for our toddler - I didn’t have a hen do (my maid of honour turned up hung over to the small tea and cake my mum ended up arranging at the last minute), whilst my OH had a full stag do away for the weekend with all his mates and had an amazing time. My OH got a fancy meal out the night before the big day with his mates - I was left setting up the wedding venue and caring for our child. He had a big breakfast before the big day - I ended up again sorting cake and venue.

I feel bad because, at the time, I just sort of went along with everything. I have made small jokes that he owes me a big hen do like his, but he doesn’t seem to understand that I’m still a bit sad I never got a proper wedding build up, or could even have a glass of fizz on the day. I know that a lot of that is my responsibility- I should have spoken up more at the time, or just decided to marry post-baby. I wish I could change the day, and have been more insistent about doing it more how I wanted.

To top it off, our toddler tantrumed through most the reception, I never actually got to eat a slice of our wedding cake (and what was left got forgotten and went off), and my sister in law got insanely drunk and puked in the main entryway and passed out. It was cordoned off whilst we tried to help her, delayed our exit of the wedding, and meant we went straight to bed as our kid was screaming her head off. I never got a proper apology, and was dropped off with a bag of vomit covered blankets and spare clothes I had lent her the following day without even a note. I made it clear I was upset at the time, but I still haven’t managed to forgive that yet - it really was the cherry on the cake of a bad day.

At the time, I decided to just move on from the day and focus on married life, but with our anniversary coming up, I just feel sad that we’re celebrating a day that didn’t feel very special. I

You're not just celebrating one day though, you're celebrating a year of marriage.

Sorry got cut off-

but basically, how do I celebrate our anniversary and forget about the day? I’m trying to let it go but it was so stressful and I still just feel upset about it all. Are all weddings a bit disappointing in the end?

sorry for sounding like a massive brat, I just feel so much pressure to enjoy our anniversary and reminisce on the day, but I really don’t want to.

Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel.

There's nothing you can do about what has passed, but the effort made between you and DH seems completely inequitable. Is your life together generally like this? You went along with a big wedding you didn't want, but then ended up taking on responsibility for everything. How did this happen? Why did your DH not help? Why does he not care that he was having a brilliant time and you were doing all the shit work?

You need to start a new tradition. Your wedding was one day, you’ll hopefully have many anniversaries! What would make you both happy? Can you get someone to have the DC and have a special lunch or dinner out? Do you want to follow the traditions for gifts and exchange something small but meaningful and fun with each other? Write each other a list of your top 5 memories of the last 12 months?

You have to make a choice. Either let each anniversary be a miserable resentful memory of a disappointing wedding, or look forward and choose to celebrate your marriage.

How has your marriage been during the last year? Surely that's the important thing?

Thank you. This is very helpful, and you’re completely right about that choice. I think it’s just easier to be consumed with the disappointments instead of focusing on all that’s to come.

I shall think on this and try and come up with something joyful for the day. 😊

And @LovelyChicken you are right, I can’t change the past. But he does realise now that it was very unequally divided, he just was working insane hours and it ended up with me taking most of the wedding on at the time. Our first year of marriage has definitely seen him pull his act together and take more of a share in our life.

@Opaljewel we have discussed how I feel and he does see why I still feel upset. I just can’t shake the urge to just hide away for the day and pretend it never happened. I feel sad I guess because I desperately want to day to feel special, but I just think back to the various stresses of the day.

I know marriage is way more than a wedding, but everyone we know keeps talking about it and it just makes me feel down that our marriage started on that hectic and disappointing day. Perhaps a list of the positives instead of the negatives would be more useful - we did have an amazing buffet 😂

Would you refuse to celebrate your child’s birthday if giving birth to them had been difficult or not what you’d planned it to be? Of course you wouldn’t - because you’re celebrating the fact that they are alive and have been alive for another whole year.

Can you look at your marriage the same way? You’re celebrating a year of being married to somebody who you presumably love - which comes part and parcel with celebrating that you have a family, and that the children were a part of the wedding in the way children inevitably are by crying at inopportune times and preventing you from drinking alcohol when pregnant.

I think that the hiccups and dramas other people caused, are things you can justly feel upset about, and perhaps it might help to clear the air with those people - particularly your MOH and bridesmaids for not planning you a hen do rather than prolonging the bitterness by “joking” to your husband that he “owes” you a hen do when it presumably wasn’t something he was supposed to be in charge of.

It also sounds like you’re right, and there were bits you should acknowledge some responsibility for, like making and assembling your own giant wedding cake on the morning of the ceremony. That was martyrish.

But those things don’t define your marriage. And even if the day didn’t feel very special, there’s no reason you can’t recreate some of the bits you were hoping would be, on anniversaries. Have a family photo shoot. Book a childfree weekend away. Laugh about some of the crap bits.

Agree with PP. You're looking at this the wrong eya. You aren't celebrating a year since your wedding. You're celebrating a year of marriage.
If I celebrated my wedding - we had a lovely day but half the people who had attended have died, moved on in their lives and we aren't in touch or have split up with partners who were also there.
An anniversary is to look back at the whole time you've been together as a married coupke, not just one particular day.

Saying that, beyond saying "happy anniversary" we don't do anything to celebrate it. Never have. We talk about perhaps visiting our honeymoon location at 10 years, but who knows.

@ComtesseDeSpair You are so right. Thank you for this. I’m just letting myself get caught up in one day of a whole year. Honestly!! I’m run down at the moment and think I’m after a pity party…

also right about the martyr thing..it was a way to save money, but to be perfectly honest, wish I’d just spent the money on someone doing it for me 😂

Im just not sure how to clear the air with my MOH (my sister) as she just sort of shrugs it off and gives excuses. And the “joking” (in my defence) was because he said at the time of his stag that he’d make sure I’d get some sort of proper hen when I wasn’t pregnant - but I think, as much as I love the man, I’ll have to make that happen myself if it is something I want.

Think I need to take some responsibility and move on from the crap bits x

How about you make a promise to yourself that every anniversary will be celebrated your way? What you want and what you will enjoy? Just between you and your husband and what makes you happy. Don't involve anyone else (other than babysitting) or tell them about it.

I have seen people have an amazing wedding day but a shit relationship. Yes, some people have a great relationship and a great day but if you had to choose I think a good relationship would win over one day.

So I think I agree that what has happened has happened and you might want to concentrate on what you have , your marriage etc…

But ialso think your reaction is understandable. Basically no one actually showed any thought about you. Not your DH, not your parents or sister. I know my MIL fir example would have stepped in if the plan had been for me to finish the cake in the morning if my wedding. My parents would have looked after the toddler (with PIL) etc…
But instead you had the wedding everybody else wanted and run yourself to the ground doing it.

What I would take from that though is that you need to learn to say ‘NO that doesn’t work for me’. To your families and to your DH. And you need to start expecting from your DH to put you first as well as actually start parenting his own dcs. I mean that he didnt step in when you looked after your TOGETHER toddler. Nor did he think ‘oh and who will look after my and blues child during the ceremony? great he is taking MORE of his share but is taking his whole share? Bt what is the chance that if he started to ‘work long hours’ again, then the default position is you picking up the whole slack?

@AsterixInEngland I think you’ve really summed up how I felt on the day - that I was an afterthought at my own wedding.

I love my family to bits and they do help, but they do tend to put themselves at the front of things. I think by default I always just pick up the pieces because I’ve historically been made out to be over dramatic/hysterical if I speak up when I’m unhappy so I just tend not to anymore. I think that’s really why the wedding didn’t go to plan - I was too worried about offending someone to actually speak my mind.

For example, when I showed upset at my sister in law for vomiting across the reception and then wailing on the floor for an hour (whilst I ran around fetching towels and mops etc, 20 weeks pregnant, whilst carrying a screaming toddler on my hip, with sick on the bottom of my dress, and unable to leave), my mum actually told me to stop making a fuss. By this point, SIL had been on the floor for an hour and I’d muttered a comment of tearful frustration to my mum that I just wanted to go home - at no point had I outwardly been rude to SIL or anyone about her.

My DH is a great guy. He’s very patient, very kind, and a very loving man. He just needs things spelt out to him, which in our year of marriage, I have come to understand and accept. I don’t think I fully realised this before the wedding, and that’s why it was the way it was.

Unfortunately, I do tend to be the default housekeeper/child carer etc in our relationship. That just seems to be what happens as a SAHM. He takes most of his share I’d say, and I have got better at making it clear when he slips and I’m overloaded with crap. I’ve also made sure that with DC2, I don’t worry if I leave her with dad - I’ve made it clear that I expect him to get on with things, and that he isn’t just our kids’ babysitter.

OP sorry you had such a crap wedding

You mention we have discussed how I feel and he does see why I still feel upset -- which is great, but if your DH also needs things spelt out to him maybe the thing to do is tell him that for your anniversary you would like him to plan something you'd really be able to relax and enjoy. Something he has put considerable thought into.

Otherwise your reluctance to celebrate might continue as a sort of vague punishment towards everyone who let you down back then.

You’re not celebrating your wedding day on your anniversary, you’re celebrating a year of married life together. Your wedding day sounds awful so this year create a nice memory on your anniversary to cancel that one out.

Lots of brides and grooms I know say that they found their big day stressful and couldn't wait to get it over with. You can do something really special on your anniversary to make new memories.

Oh my goodness that sounds horrendous and I'm sorry your SIL and MOH were both so selfish towards you.

I think Asterix has really good advice. It sounds like the day was a distillation of you always coming last in your family (can't believe your mum's comment!!) and that has to feel disappointing sometimes, even if you've learned to roll with the punches. Have you ever tried any therapy to have a neutral sounding board about this?

Can you have a special weekend away, just the two of you when you can have the fizz in the afternoon and a lovely meal. Maybe try to make the anniversary the special day?

OP, I think you should say to your DH that you would like him to treat you to a wedding anniversary that replicates the wedding you wanted.

Tell him to arrange a romantic, intimate treat, and to invite you.

Meanwhile, stop this sort of thing;
For example, when I showed upset at my sister in law for vomiting across the reception and then wailing on the floor for an hour (whilst I ran around fetching towels and mops etc, 20 weeks pregnant, whilst carrying a screaming toddler on my hip, with sick on the bottom of my dress, and unable to leave), my mum actually told me to stop making a fuss. By this point, SIL had been on the floor for an hour and I’d muttered a comment of tearful frustration to my mum that I just wanted to go home - at no point had I outwardly been rude to SIL or anyone about her.

There were 80 people at your wedding, you are the LAST person who should have been anywhere near a drunk vomiting guest. Her family should have dealt with her, who cares: you should have turned in your heel as soon as you saw there was a problem. Likewise, it was predictable that your toddler would need attention. Your Mum DH’s Mum, other close family needed to have been asked to be on duty to take turns with your toddler.

Unless you start setting boundaries, and letting other people take responsibility / sort it their own problems, and making your own happiness important, you will spend your marriage and your life feeling hard find by and resentful. As you do now.

Tell DH, this is his moment to create the perfect wedding anniversary.

Perhaps it would be helpful to think that your marriage started when you had your first child and there was just a ceremony to celebrate the life that you had been living for what sounds like maybe at least close to 2 years.

Put the ceremony into perspective. All of the ceremonial trappings are just carry overs from a time when relationship events happened in quite a different sequence.

If you think of it as just a party preceded by a ritual event, you could choose an arbitrary day as your anniversary.

Celebrate your life together rather than a day filled with mishaps.

I think you’ve really summed up how I felt on the day - that I was an afterthought at my own wedding.

You didn’t prioritise yourself at your own wedding and are upset because you expected others to. You say you originally you wanted a small wedding partly because of social anxiety but also lament that you didn’t get a hen do and weren’t made a fuss of. I can’t be the only one confused about your messaging.

Let the memory of a day you didn’t much care much for, be the catalyst for never putting yourself in that position again.

Shift the focus to celebrating your marriage rather than celebrating the wedding.

The wedding is just a day.

You've been married for a year. Think about your nicest moments of married life so far and what you want for the future.

I agree 100% with this.

I would spend every wedding anniversary celebrating how far you and your marriage has come, that you may have been sidelined and an after thought at your own wedding, but you will NEVER be an afterthought in your marriage. That you will enforce boundaries with family, that your husband will be an equal partner, and that you will mentally value yourself, so you spend money on yourself to make your life easier.

With that goal in mind, I hope you spend your anniversary with someone else minding your children, out for dinner (or takeaway at home!) and telling your husband about the various ideas you have for your own belated hen-do to take place in the next 12 months. Your goal for the anniversary after that is to make sure you go on the hen do.

Why don't you plan a very small church blessing, you , DH and 2 witnesses and then just you and DH go for a romantic meal.It will be a bit like the initial wedding you wanted but didn't get. Do it on your next anniversary. Don't invite your SIL. Get your hair and makeup done. Ask your mum to mind the kids, maybe even over night. :-) Have a lovely new wedding photo, new happier memories on your wedding/ anniversary date. Get your wedding dress back on (minus sick on the hem) and enjoy xxx

pick a different day in the year to be your celebration day. that certainly sounds like a grim wedding day but that's just one arbitrary point in a long story that is mostly full of joy. tell DH he's welcome to give you a card and some nice chocolate on the wedding anniversary day but you'd prefer to have your annual "anniversary" celebration on the date you pick e.g. the day you got engaged, the day you met, or whatever.