Our relationship is toxic but it feels like too much effort to leave

[Toxichomelife]

DH and I married about 6 years with two young DC. Both work full time in professional roles and DC are in nursery four days. The other day my parents or sister look after them or I have a day off with them.

Apart from the issue that I do a lot in the house while he gets a lot of "free" time (I'm not saying he does nothing but it's very much on his terms and timings) his attitude stinks. He can be so grumpy but will continue making digs at me even after I have pointed it out and say he is not being rude or nasty or that I am too sensitive. If he doesn't like something I say to him it is another issue of course.

He often overreacts to things and then if I try to say something about it (even something small) he often just storms off and refuses to discuss and will be gone for ten minutes or half an hour or an hour while I get on with looking after the DC, cleaning up and doing all the stuff that needs doing. I don't just storm off and ignore my family because I am annoyed.

He justifies it by saying it's because he doesn't want to argue but most of the time we didn't need to argue anyway. He could just listen to what I'm saying and respond like a normal person or not cause an argument or just accept people have minor disagreements.

This morning it was over a cloth! He was washing up and cleaning the kitchen when it was DC breakfast time (he said he'd wash up last night). I needed to clean a surface to prepare breakfast for them so went to get a clean cloth out of the drawer. He stopped me and said there is no point getting a cloth put as he is using one. I said it's ok I'll get a new one. I wash them so it's fine! He said no there's no point and I can have the one he is using. I said can I have it now then please as DC are hungry and I need to feed them. He said no I have to wait and acted like I was being controlling. I don't think I was as I could have just had a clean cloth out of the drawer and that didn't affect what he was doing! When I said that he said fine take the cloth as I'm done anyway (meaning he won't finish cleaning up) and I was left to finish cleaning, feed DC, sort last night laundry and put a new load in, dress DC before my sister came to sit with them at 9:30.

I know there is no point reasoning with him.

I had said last night that (we are both working from home) he can use the main office and I will just work on my laptop. This morning I said if he was going to behave like this then why should I make my working day even more difficult and i will use the office (which is all my work equipment). He thinks I'm being controlling but really I was doing him a favour by saying he could use it but if he's going to decide not to help in the house then can't I do the same?

I don't like it when things get this way but I feel like it is inevitable unless I am a complete doormat. I don't think things will get better. It seems like they are and then it's not.

He will not leave. I will have to divorce him or buy him out if the house and of course he will be even more unpleasant while that is going on. No there isn't anywhere I can go and honestly I don't want to slum it in a relatives back bedroom with 2 kids or pay for hotels when I pay for the lion share of our home costs anyway. I feel a bit stuck which I think is unreasonable as I'm not. It just feels like a big thing to divorce him. Some men just move out don't they and I feel like those wives have it easy!!

Um… you do sound as though it has to be all your terms or nothing at all. My sister is like this; claims she has to do everything herself but if you try and help then you’re ‘doing it wrong’. Maybe he feels that he can’t do anything right in your eyes.

You're right - it does sound very toxic but fairly pointless trying to apportion blame I think.

You are not getting on, you don't seem to be able to communicate effectively and obviously have disagreements all the time.

Would relationship counselling help do you think? Maybe you both need to sit down with a mediator and work through some of your issues in a blame free environment.

Would you try counselling?

Obviously his reaction to problem-solving and conflict-resolution is not great, and an unfair chore split or household responsibilities breeds resentment, especially if you’re working the same amount but ‘in charge’ more in the domestic sphere. So it’s unsurprising that you aren’t getting on.

Why did you marry him? Is some of the live still left, and is it worth trying to get thing back on track?

At the very least, even if you did end up divorcing you would have ‘done the work’ in front of each other and another person so that everyone felt heard and it would be clearer if you should split up.

I’m really sorry I don’t understand the previous poster. If anything he is being too controlling. He was the one stopping you getting another cloth.

I don’t blame you at all. I have experience of never being able to voice my reasonable requests without an extreme reaction. I believe now it was done as a deliberate ploy to keep me in my box, not because he genuinely thought I was being outrageously demanding.

I tried to endure, but I am now divorcing. I think this will happen to you sooner or later. So start planning and getting all those pesky ducks in a row. Even if it’s in five years time.

Yes to counselling, individual or joint therapy. It’s expensive but cheaper than a divorce. Make sure you have your own pension and you know where all the money is. Do this before you ask for counselling or ask to discuss the state of your marriage. I only say this because these are things I didn’t do. And wish I had.

Best of luck

Oh and start keeping a journal. My husband nearly had me doubting my own sanity telling me certain things didn’t happen, and vice versa.

Oh my word. I feel like you've been inside my mind. I am such a similar situation.
I want my husband to leave, he makes me and the children unhappy as he's so grumpy and angry all the time. At the same time I don't have the energy to go through with it. I am perimenopausal and on on Antidepressants and just exhausted so that is clouding my ability to do anything.

We have had couples counselling before and it helped for a bit but then he just slips back into old ways and it seems to get worse and worse. Maybe it will help you but I feel very apathetic about counselling.

Sorry this isn't helpful, but you aren't alone.

Why is it a big thing to divorce him?. You put efforts into your job, the house, the kids; why not yourself?. I would urge you to seek legal advice asap and on the quiet and find out exactly where you stand re the property, finances and children.
The house may not have to be sold and even if it was its far better to be apart and happier rather than being subjected daily to such abuse.

He does not speak to his work colleagues like this nor acts like this around outsiders. It is for you that such abuse is directed at. I would also think that either one or both his parents act similarly to how he does now; domestic abuse is often seen in childhood.

Do not embark on any form of joint counselling with him; he is unlikely to attend in any event and you're not emotionally safe enough either to be in any joint counselling sessions. Abuse also is not a relationship problem; abuse is about power and control. And this man wants absolute here. So it won't become somehow easier for you to stay by kicking the can down the road. This is who he really is and your life (and that of your kids) with him going forward if you choose to stay.

Indeed he won't readily move out; abusive men do not tend to give up their chosen target that easily. He has a cushy number/life with you and with you around to abuse.

Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

What do you yourself want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. Is this really the model you want them to carry forward into their own adult relationships; you two are providing the blueprints.

It will become ever more harder for you to remain within such a marriage because he will continue to drag you, and in turn your children who are witness to all this, down with him. Its not your fault nor the childrens here that their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

I would also suggest you call Womens Aid as they can advise also.

Marriage counsellor or go your separate ways, life is too short for this BS! Your marriage is the pivotal relationship role model for your children, what do you think you are both teaching them?

Joint marriage counselling is NOT recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is NOT a relationship problem; its about power and control and he wants absolute here over the OP and in turn these children. What are they learning about relationships here?

Couples counseling tends to be counter-productive in an abusive relationship for many reasons. One is that this type of therapy assumes the concept of mutuality in the relationship and that the problems are based on a systemic problem between the two parties.

In an abusive relationship, mutual goals cannot be attained because the abusive member is not interested in equality.

Couples counseling sends the message to both the batterer (batterer can be physical, emotional, and/or psychological in nature) and his partner that the problem is mutual and that somehow the partner is responsible (at least in part) for the abusers behaviors.

Both members of the partnership are taught to focus on their feelings when in couples counselling. This approach is counterproductive in an abusive relationship because the abuser spends too much time already focusing on his feelings and not enough time focusing on other people's feelings (particularly his partners).

I had this for the last 3 years with my Ex - it was unbearable in the end. It’s not good for any of you & tbh, I felt a huge relief once we separated. Unless you can find a way to communicate effectively (I couldn’t with my Ex because he lacked empathy & understanding so was just super defensive) then unfortunately the relationship won’t survive & if you keep leaving it to drag on, it will damage you & your children.

Divorce him. Life is too short and you should be enjoying it

I feel like you have read a completely different post than me, that's not what I got at all from the OP at all.

She wasn't claiming to do everything, or asking to help him with the dishes - she wanted to get her own cloth and wasn't allowed to by her husband, who then threw a strop when she questioned this - why is she the unreasonable one?

How? Surely it's more odd that he stopped me from just using clean cloth! It wouldn't have affected him at all...

I would do counselling but he won't. I don't think it would help. He is different with other people and previously stopped going to counselling with me when they counsellor said something he didn't like.

I honestly think he is narcissistic but certainly emotionally abusive. Everything I say is wrong. If I try to reason with him he just walks out. He says it's because he doesn't want to argue but funny that he says his bit then "doesn't want up argue" when I have something to say.

We have already had two more incidents since then and he just came in and said "I've just realised you must be hormonal".

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Honestly there is no good future at all for either you or your kids by remaining in such a marriage.

If you’ve previously done counselling and it didn’t achieve anything then you should begin divorce proceedings with no backward glances.

How are you financially?

FGS, do not raise your children in this toxic disaster. It will damage the rest of their lives.

Don't leave, get the divorce rolling and get the house sold so you both have to move. Let the court decide the split. He sounds like a nightmare. Its my own experiences with men like this that made me decide never to live with a man again. Its exhausting.
You'll be so much happier alone. There is never a good time to get divorced so it may as well be now.

My parents annoyingly encourage me to stay because it's better for the DC which I do not agree with.

I want to keep the house but not sure if I can afford to. Maybe if I get more family support and cut down nursery time.

It's a lot of effort now for a happy life down the line v a consistently miserable life forever.

Staying is a false economy.

It's not good for the kids to demonstrate to them that this is what an adult relationship looks like; they will replicate what they see, when they grow up. Give them an example of 'If you are unhappy in a relationship, walk away, however difficult it might be'. The harder it is, the better example it will set them: they will get out of shitty relationships at any cost, and will be less likely to enter them in the first place.

He will not leave. I will have to divorce him or buy him out if the house and of course he will be even more unpleasant while that is going on.

But that time will pass, OP! No matter how horrible it is, you will have the end in sight.

At present you are stuck in this miserable rut with a man who makes small bad things happen every day. And you are having to find ways of coping with it, because there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

The moment you start divorce proceedings, you will drop that burden: he may still be difficult, but you no longer have to find ways of living with it for the next 50 years. You will have a better prospect ahead of you. You will be on your way to the light at the end of the tunnel, your freedom, your chance of a happy life with your DC.

It's not good for the kids to demonstrate to them that this is what an adult relationship looks like; they will replicate what they see, when they grow up. Give them an example of 'If you are unhappy in a relationship, walk away, however difficult it might be'. The harder it is, the better example it will set them: they will get out of shitty relationships at any cost, and will be less likely to enter them in the first place.

This, 100 times over.

At present you are stuck in this miserable rut with a man who makes small bad things happen every day. And you are having to find ways of coping with it, because there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

This is so true.

It sounds like a pressure cooker and very insular.

I didn’t even read the thing about the dishcloth fully as it all just sounds like petty bickering and power struggles. I think it’s probably a very easy rut to fall into over space/autonomy (who doesn’t clash over those things sometimes?) and particularly when you’re both working from home with two kids.

The thing about him walking away for 10 mins or half an hour doesn’t SU to me – perhaps you don’t need this but he’s obviously trying to just give the situation a few minutes to cool down and blow over rather than escalate.

But clearly you’re unhappy (and it sounds like he is too). If you’re not interested in salvaging things (and it doesn’t sound like a healthy environment at the moment), then start making plans to leave. Do you have any support outside of the relationship?

I understand walking away to cool down but he does over very small things either because he's worked up even though not much has happened or just an excuse not to listen to me. He is not capable of a rational conversation. Tells me all the reasons why wrong and then walks away when I try to defend myself. Really hard to explain unless you're there.