Our relationship is toxic but it feels like too much effort to leave

[Toxichomelife]

DH and I married about 6 years with two young DC. Both work full time in professional roles and DC are in nursery four days. The other day my parents or sister look after them or I have a day off with them.

Apart from the issue that I do a lot in the house while he gets a lot of "free" time (I'm not saying he does nothing but it's very much on his terms and timings) his attitude stinks. He can be so grumpy but will continue making digs at me even after I have pointed it out and say he is not being rude or nasty or that I am too sensitive. If he doesn't like something I say to him it is another issue of course.

He often overreacts to things and then if I try to say something about it (even something small) he often just storms off and refuses to discuss and will be gone for ten minutes or half an hour or an hour while I get on with looking after the DC, cleaning up and doing all the stuff that needs doing. I don't just storm off and ignore my family because I am annoyed.

He justifies it by saying it's because he doesn't want to argue but most of the time we didn't need to argue anyway. He could just listen to what I'm saying and respond like a normal person or not cause an argument or just accept people have minor disagreements.

This morning it was over a cloth! He was washing up and cleaning the kitchen when it was DC breakfast time (he said he'd wash up last night). I needed to clean a surface to prepare breakfast for them so went to get a clean cloth out of the drawer. He stopped me and said there is no point getting a cloth put as he is using one. I said it's ok I'll get a new one. I wash them so it's fine! He said no there's no point and I can have the one he is using. I said can I have it now then please as DC are hungry and I need to feed them. He said no I have to wait and acted like I was being controlling. I don't think I was as I could have just had a clean cloth out of the drawer and that didn't affect what he was doing! When I said that he said fine take the cloth as I'm done anyway (meaning he won't finish cleaning up) and I was left to finish cleaning, feed DC, sort last night laundry and put a new load in, dress DC before my sister came to sit with them at 9:30.

I know there is no point reasoning with him.

I had said last night that (we are both working from home) he can use the main office and I will just work on my laptop. This morning I said if he was going to behave like this then why should I make my working day even more difficult and i will use the office (which is all my work equipment). He thinks I'm being controlling but really I was doing him a favour by saying he could use it but if he's going to decide not to help in the house then can't I do the same?

I don't like it when things get this way but I feel like it is inevitable unless I am a complete doormat. I don't think things will get better. It seems like they are and then it's not.

He will not leave. I will have to divorce him or buy him out if the house and of course he will be even more unpleasant while that is going on. No there isn't anywhere I can go and honestly I don't want to slum it in a relatives back bedroom with 2 kids or pay for hotels when I pay for the lion share of our home costs anyway. I feel a bit stuck which I think is unreasonable as I'm not. It just feels like a big thing to divorce him. Some men just move out don't they and I feel like those wives have it easy!!

But it's not hard to explain; you've just explained it. Lots of us 'get it'.

You don't have to stay.

Counselling is really unlikely to help - in fact it could make it much worse as he's likely to believe the counsellor is on your side.

I had similar marriage - ex was extremely defensive and took any "no" personally. He couldn't tolerate anyone acting autonomously so was controlling. His thought process was control or be controlled. He would also walk out at any discussion to avoid any accountability. It was impossible to have a reasonable conversation and counselling just made it worse.

As the children got older he started to try and drive a wedge between them and me which was the trigger for me to leave.

Hi @Toxichomelife how are you doing. I was just looking at your updates, and wanted to say the thing about “not arguing” was common in my marriage too.

It would be about the most mild and trivial things too, and in most marriages would be considered just a normal conservation, but invariably would be along the lines of :he would say x, and I’d say “oh why don’t you do y” or something similar and then he would say I don’t want to argue over it”. I always felt immediately deflated, I felt I was offering help or advice and he automatically saw it as a defiance of his already made decision (however always presented as a yet to be made, thinking aloud decision). It sounds so trivial writing it down, but I guess it had the effect he wanted and I would just shut up.

And I’m talking really small stuff ie whether to leave a window open, run the dishwasher half full. I’m sure it was once about how to load the dishwasher. It was as if anything I said that wasn’t “yes of course what a brilliant idea” was considered a negative.

Im not sure I’ve explained myself very well, but hope OP you know what I mean and how hurtful it gets eventually.

@toxichomelife you are not alone. Going through very similar. Keep string. Please let me know how you get on. I don't know where to start. How old are your children?

Keep strong not string.

If there's resentment and contempt then get out. It will eat away at you and your family. Save yourself the emotional rollercoaster and the irrational decisions and leave. It might appear to be "low level" but these small but very effective controlling tactics will mess up your self esteem! I go through it myself and have been for a while, if there's one piece of advice I'd give my past self it would have been to leave at the first hint of power struggle rather than thinking I will meet his expectations. Your husband views you as gender roles, and believes he is more superior therefore shouldn't need to do certain things. I bet this man makes passive aggressive remarks about things he believes you've done wrong yet it's so low level that its hard for you to call out confidently. I get sighs if the house isn't tidy to his standards. I get silent treatments for no known reason. I get told that I'm useless when I don't feel like sex, I get told I'm useless for many things, he slags my family off and tells me I'm less than him because his family are better off, he plays down my job every though it's a professional job, he walks infront of me every time we walk and won't wait up, but he will mix all this on with good stuff too to make it hard to understand what's going on. If you DH doesnt do this now already, then it will start. Please, any sign of contempt then just call it quits x