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MIL giving me the silent treatment - AIBU?

84 replies

Swedenotturnip · 11/10/2022 16:47

Hi all!

MIL is giving me the silent treatment. We live in different parts of the UK and are scheduled to go visit her, FIL and BILs next week so it's currently quite awkward. Plus, I'm pretty sure if she does speak to me prior to us coming, she will be very insistent we change our mind before coming and it's making me feel even more awkward. So before that happens, I'd just like to know if I'm being unreasonable.

Thank you x

My husband, our 5 month old baby and I will be going to visit my husband's family next week and stay for six days.
Whenever we stay at his grandparents, who live in a different part of the UK from MIL, we always stay in a room because theres is enough space for us.

But it's different at ILs' because there would be three of us and we would have to share a bunk bed in the box room. We have decided to book 3 nights in a hotel 20 mins away from where they live and compromise by staying 2 nights at ILs' for comfort and room.
However, MIL is very unhappy about that, asked us to cancel the hotel and sleep the whole 6 days at hers instead and stopped talking to me.

I believe she only accepted at the condition that we leave the baby overnight at theirs in that case and not take him with us to the hotel instead. She also wants the baby to sleep with them.
I'm not comfortable with that just yet but that I'd be happy for the baby to sleep with them on the two nights we are at theirs instead.

So I think it's going to make things even worse when she finds out.

To top things off, she's pissed at me because she expects my husband to spend his birthdays at theirs every year, because she has time off, which happens to be around Valentine's day. I don't get time off at that time of the year. I already missed Valentine's day and my husband's birthday for that reason last year but she expects it to be a yearly thing, but I would never get to spend these days, that I deem to be special, with my husband, so he suggested going the month before or the month after and she has just been ignoring me ever since.

AIBU?

I know I won't hear the end of this when we do go next week.
So that I don't drip feed, I used to live with them before my husband and I moved to our own place before I got pregnant.
She kept asking me to move out, and asking my husband when I would be moving out, and making it VERY clear I was unwelcome. (not for us to move out, just me. As otherwise it meant my husband wouldn't be financially contributing to the household anymore and she would have "reconsidered the whole marriage had she known how much of a financial burden it would be" - mind you we didn't have any ceremony, expensive rings or anything like this so I wasn't trying to take the piss either). And made up a story about how it distressed her husband so much that it made him leave the household. Story that she told my mother. (He had already left the household before I had even met my husband).

OP posts:
Marigoldandivy · 11/10/2022 16:56

To be honest, if I had your MIL I would be quite glad to have no contact ever again. I don’t suppose that helps, but I’m sorry you are in this situation. You need your DH to stick up for you.

MzHz · 11/10/2022 16:56

Don’t pander to this

youre staying in a hotel, baby is with its mum, h will come and see them before or after birthday but it’s not set/guaranteed

deal with it.

start as you mean to go on

Mil, you’re giving me silent treatment because I’m not doing what I’m told? Happy days. Get used to it.

35965a · 11/10/2022 17:00

I wouldn’t even go. She wants the baby to stay at hers and you and your husband to stay in the hotel? She’s off her head. She’s clearly disliked you for a long time so I would happily not go and visit in your shoes.

Swedenotturnip · 11/10/2022 17:03

35965a · 11/10/2022 17:00

I wouldn’t even go. She wants the baby to stay at hers and you and your husband to stay in the hotel? She’s off her head. She’s clearly disliked you for a long time so I would happily not go and visit in your shoes.

i don't think I have a choice whether or not to go unfortunately. As OH wants to introduce our baby to the side of the extended family who haven't met him yet.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/10/2022 17:04

Fucking hell, you have GOT to take control of this shit show right now. You do not allow this woman to dictate where you or your baby stay. My baby and I would be staying home, that I can guarantee. This woman is insane.

jay55 · 11/10/2022 17:05

He can introduce baby to the family while you enjoy a lazy day in the hotel watching telly and eating snacks Grin

You don't need to go to your mill's place yourself at all.

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/10/2022 17:08

Just go and enjoy your hotel break. If she blanks you, blank her back.

But do not - under any circumstances- let her keep your young baby overnight; your baby is far too young to be away from you. Time enough for sleepovers when your baby is older.

Amazongirl9 · 11/10/2022 17:09

I’m a MIL, I used to have a MIL, she’s sadly passed away now. I cannot believe the problems some of you are having to deal with. Your MIL is totally unreasonable OP , what you want to do isn’t weird or dramatic it’s just practical for all concerned. Stick to your guns.

MinnieGirl · 11/10/2022 17:09

Stay in the hotel, and keep baby with you. Why does she want your baby to sleep with her? That is downright weird, and not safe.
If she’s giving you the silent treatment, I would say you are not staying as she’s been so rude and go home. Make it clear to DH that his family are always welcome in your home to meet DC but they will be civil in your house.

edenhills · 11/10/2022 17:11

You've already agreed the baby can sleep with them when you are at the house? She should appreciate that! I wouldn't have allowed by baby away from my side at that age.

AlisonDonut · 11/10/2022 17:11

Go but I'd you have to go to their house, take your baby back to the hotel. A baby doesn't have to sleep with the grandparents if you don't want them to.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 11/10/2022 17:13

I'd be staying at the hotel the whole visit and I wouldn't be letting my child stay at theirs either. Not a chance until she starts behaving a little more appropriately

quirkychick · 11/10/2022 17:14

If your mil wants to have a relationship with your baby, she needs to develop a good relationship with you. I think I would want to spend all 6 days at the hotel, with the baby with me. You say your dh's family haven't met the baby yet, does that include mil? Does that mean mil is asking to have a 5 month old she doesn't know?

Swedenotturnip · 11/10/2022 17:17

quirkychick · 11/10/2022 17:14

If your mil wants to have a relationship with your baby, she needs to develop a good relationship with you. I think I would want to spend all 6 days at the hotel, with the baby with me. You say your dh's family haven't met the baby yet, does that include mil? Does that mean mil is asking to have a 5 month old she doesn't know?

Sorry for the confusion. MIL, FIL, BIL and SILs have all met the baby, so have MIL's side. It's just FIL's side that is left. So great uncles, great grandparents, etc...

OP posts:
Swedenotturnip · 11/10/2022 17:17

Thank you all for all your advice.

OP posts:
murasaki · 11/10/2022 17:23

The baby goes with you, wherever that may be, and for me it'd be the hotel. No debate on that one.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/10/2022 17:25

Go and stay in a hotel. Outrageous that she's trying to dictate where your baby stays. You need to grip this now before it gets out of hand.

Topseyt123 · 11/10/2022 17:28

I wouldn't want to go at all, and even if I did agree to it, my baby would be staying with me, especially overnight.

Darbs76 · 11/10/2022 17:29

She’s completely unreasonable in everything you’ve said. Completely. Do not give in

phishy · 11/10/2022 17:30

I wouldn't even let baby stay with her the 2 nights you stay at hers.

Stay in a hotel for all 5 nights with your baby, she sounds awful.

Glittertwins · 11/10/2022 17:31

What planet is this woman on? She does understand it is not her baby??? Stay where you are comfortable and keep your baby with you and in this situation, I'd be happy to keep a huge distance from her!

TheCatterall · 11/10/2022 17:34

What the hell is OH doing in all this palava his Mother is creating. I hope to gif he’s told her a strict NO and is supporting his family unit and showing a United front.

please don’t tell us he’s doing a wimpy ’im not getting involved/in the middle of this’ or a bullshit - she’s my mother let’s keep her happy.

yes your MIL is batshit crazy. But how this is handled should be with you and your OH as a United front.

good luck @Swedenotturnip

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 11/10/2022 17:35

Why are you even agreeing to stay at MIL's for 2 nights? No way would I be stopping in bunk beds. Stop in hotel entire time, that way you are on your own timetable and if she gets arsey you can just leave. Keep baby with you.

This woman is your MIL, she has no hold over you and you are not obliged to do as she asks.

Hohoholymoley · 11/10/2022 17:36

Don't go, Fuck that. Strange woman.

somebody2lava · 11/10/2022 17:37

Just do not go? Nobody, NOBODY was allowed to dictate where my baby went apart from myself and my haha.