Sex and intimacy question

[Cautious47]

I’ve been seeing my partner for four months. Very much loved up, however as we’ve become more comfortable/trusting with each other I’ve noticed they’ve begun to lose interest in having sex (direct contrast to very early days when they were quite forward and initiated it). I know people generally have less sex over time but four months seems a little early?

Part of the issue, I think, is how we each define sex. For me, whilst a “quickie” can be fun, the main joy comes from spending time being sensual, exploring each other and being intimate. My partner, however, very much equates good sex with more furious “fucking” - very much being taken by by someone overcome with passion. They love just cuddling and massages too, but don’t seem to want/need to combine the two. It’s either non-sexual snuggles or hard, dirty shag.

I wouldn’t want a hard dirty shag every other night myself. It gets boring. But would love a bit of loving, mutual pleasuring in between. My partner isn’t though and fear it’s only going to get worse once the initial “tear each other’s clothes off” hormones wear off (which they might be doing already).

Anyone been in a similar situation and can offer advice?

Have you spoken to your partner about it? If so, what did they say? If not, then coming to a forum before broaching the issue with your partner hints at an altogether different problem.

Haha in the first reply, so predictable 😂😅

"Have you spoken to x about it"

"What did x say about it"

OP is asking on an anonymous forum because it's a delicate issue and this is a safe way for her to get some advice.

Sheesh.

I wonder if OP can answer for themselves, without the thread police stepping in.

Interesting why you'd feel the need to speak for them.

The advice, of course, is that the only way forward with relationship problems is to communicate clearly with each other. Sometimes people need a bit of help to realise this, @thatisnotyours , but obviously you know better.

Sorry for the derail, OP.

Have you spoken to your partner? If not, what stops you?

Your partner sounds like a bit of a crap shag! Only likes one type of sex and isn't interested in doing what you like. You do need to talk to him/her about it though.

We have talked about it - my partner basically says this is what gets them off, as it were, so we agreed to have a bit more of the sensual side of things so long as it builds up to a final hard shag.

Isn't this a problem after 20 years and 3 kids? Four months in already going south, doesn't sound good.

Could you go on top if you want something different sometimes? That way you get to dictate the pace.

Sorry but you're sexually incompatible.

This is what the first year or so of a relationship is for - establishing of you are compatible.

Unfortunately people have often invested/caught feelings by the time they find this stuff out but nonetheless, they're incompatible.

And it's important to remember it was honeymoon period investment... Not longterm investment.

Incidentally they sound a bit one dimensional.

Someone who's a good sexual partner all round would be able to appreciate and enjoy several types of sex.

Why don't you try this.

You say he enjoys cuddles and massages - why not after one of these sessions initiate sex yourself If you get the sort of sex you want you can reinforce it by saying "I enjoyed that it was so nice"

If he's got any sense he will get the message - if he just leaps into "Fast and Furious" mode you might have to be direct.

As a PP said well rounded people enjoy different kinds of sex and I don't think you are being in any way unreasonable to want sex you enjoy

op didn’t say partner was a he.

@UWhatNow - that is true and my mistake - for some reason the behaviour described put me in mind of a man.

Nonetheless the advice holds whether the partner is a man, woman or one of the increasing numbers who don't know which

So they like something you don't really like. That's sexual incompatibility. You're 4 months in, and you don't want the sex life your partner is after. And vice versa. You don't meet each other's needs, or particularly want to.

There's nothing you can do about this, because it's about preferences. Just like you can't make yourself like broccoli because your partner of 4 months keeps cooking it for you and being really please when you eat it.

Accept incompatibility. Nobody is wrong. Find someone who has needs you feel passionate about meeting, and who has needs that match or meet your own.

Dump them. Life's too short.

You want a mutual experience, he wants to bump away in a frenzy until his balls are empty…you're not compatible sexually.

Also with this man being a ‘lust driven banger’ as soon as it wears off you’re open to a very dull or non existent routine and/or increased cheating potential.

Trust me, end it.

The old "they" again 🙄

Honestly if he won’t talk about it or change or is defensive then leave because it’s not going to get any better!

Why say they op?

What is wrong with using "they" in this context?

We don't know the sex of the OP. We don't how the sex of their partner.....

It's just so natural to give both those pieces of information away. Wondering why the op didnt...

Probably, as is the case with a lot of threads like these, people's opinions would be different if they knew whether the OP/their partner were make or female.

I know many people would say "ooh, that's not true, I'd say the same regardless" but unfortunately in a lot of cases that's not true.

Be interested to hear op's reasons...

It doesn't sound like you and her are going to be compatible long-term. It's a bit worrying that things are waning after only 4 months. I wonder if she has had only wham bam relationships in the past so doesn't know anything else.

Doesn't all sex end with the hard shag?