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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner doesnt want baby

51 replies

Jen2209 · 10/10/2022 21:40

Hi all, needing to venr & get some perspective as my head is all over the place.

I have a 3 year old son and have been with my partner for 15 years. We've had a very rough time since our son was born, our relationship was badly rocked by a newborn, PPA & lockdowns. We're now in a much better place but I wouldn't say 100%, I'm not sure if you can ever forget coming that close to separating.

I'm six weeks into an unplanned pregnancy, we had talked generally about a second child but never felt ready. I am scared but happy, he wants me to have a termination. We've been trying our best to have conversations rather than arguments but he's said, IMO, some really awful things that I just can't forget. Eg:
"I'll resent you forever if you have it"
"You're going to fuck my life up"
"I'm worried about our sex life, I wasn't attracted to you after birth & your vagina was loose"

Does anyone have any tips or experience of how to move forward with this? I have made it clear to him that I am not terminating, I now feel like I am waiting for him to leave and am walking round on eggshells scared to mention anything about the pregnancy. I want to be happy but I can't be.

OP posts:
MoodyMum94 · 23/09/2023 23:17

Jen2209 · 10/10/2022 21:40

Hi all, needing to venr & get some perspective as my head is all over the place.

I have a 3 year old son and have been with my partner for 15 years. We've had a very rough time since our son was born, our relationship was badly rocked by a newborn, PPA & lockdowns. We're now in a much better place but I wouldn't say 100%, I'm not sure if you can ever forget coming that close to separating.

I'm six weeks into an unplanned pregnancy, we had talked generally about a second child but never felt ready. I am scared but happy, he wants me to have a termination. We've been trying our best to have conversations rather than arguments but he's said, IMO, some really awful things that I just can't forget. Eg:
"I'll resent you forever if you have it"
"You're going to fuck my life up"
"I'm worried about our sex life, I wasn't attracted to you after birth & your vagina was loose"

Does anyone have any tips or experience of how to move forward with this? I have made it clear to him that I am not terminating, I now feel like I am waiting for him to leave and am walking round on eggshells scared to mention anything about the pregnancy. I want to be happy but I can't be.

What came of this? ❤️ sincerely, someone in the exact same boat x

Mmhmmn · 23/09/2023 23:32

ARSEHOLE ALERT ———- LEAVE!!

If he felt so bloody strongly about it to say these things why didn’t he make sure to use a condom?

WessexPrincess · 23/09/2023 23:53

Funny how he says your vsgina is loose but he still manages to be the biggest cunt in your relationship

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/09/2023 00:06

He's a disgusting bully. I don't think you would have had such bad ppa if you'd had a decent supportive partner. He's talked to you like you're an object and he doesn't care about your feelings.
My baby's father could be like that with me sometimes and I'm happier not being in a relationship with him and I have a fab baby xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/09/2023 00:07

Freya81 · 11/10/2022 16:22

I really feel for you, because I'm in exactly the same position. I've got an almost two year old daughter and I'm six weeks pregnant - my partner doesn't want the baby under any circumstances. It's horrible feeling like you should be happy but you can't because of how your partner is treating you. I'm currently weighing up my options to see how I can do it alone because there is no way I want to end the pregnancy. I'm so sorry you're going through this too 😪

Good luck you can do it you just need to reach out to trusted friends or family they will want to help especially when they hear how vile he Ian

Original poster
Jen2209 · 24/09/2023 03:07

Baby is three months old and an absolute joy, I do not for one second regret my decision to have her.

Partner & I had plenty of difficult conversations throughout pregnancy & when she was a newborn. Firstly he sincerely apologised and spent a lot of my pregnancy more than pulling his weight & trying to make it up to me. Turned out that a lot of his feelings stemmed from the very difficult time we had when eldest was a newborn, which is understandable but poorly handled.

I think my major upset was when I caught him crying when she was a few weeks old because he said he was still struggling with feelings of not wanting her & that he felt horribly guilty about it. That was very upsetting because I convinced myself that his feelings would change once she was here. She's now three months old and he's not really spoken about that part again, despite me trying to gently ask a few times. I watch them together sometimes when he doesn't know I'm looking & I like to think that I see love there, maybe it's wishful thinking on my part I don't know. He's certainly still a present & loving father to both children & pulls his weight.

Best of luck with your situation, it's certainly not an easy one x

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 24/09/2023 07:39

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/10/2022 00:41

He’d have been out of the door long ago. That last comment was just beyond disgusting. What an arsehole.

Same here. Any so-called man who made those comments about my body would be dead to me. He is beyond disgusting.

category12 · 24/09/2023 07:55

Jen2209 · 24/09/2023 03:07

Baby is three months old and an absolute joy, I do not for one second regret my decision to have her.

Partner & I had plenty of difficult conversations throughout pregnancy & when she was a newborn. Firstly he sincerely apologised and spent a lot of my pregnancy more than pulling his weight & trying to make it up to me. Turned out that a lot of his feelings stemmed from the very difficult time we had when eldest was a newborn, which is understandable but poorly handled.

I think my major upset was when I caught him crying when she was a few weeks old because he said he was still struggling with feelings of not wanting her & that he felt horribly guilty about it. That was very upsetting because I convinced myself that his feelings would change once she was here. She's now three months old and he's not really spoken about that part again, despite me trying to gently ask a few times. I watch them together sometimes when he doesn't know I'm looking & I like to think that I see love there, maybe it's wishful thinking on my part I don't know. He's certainly still a present & loving father to both children & pulls his weight.

Best of luck with your situation, it's certainly not an easy one x

How do you feel about him?

I can't imagine sticking with someone who behaved like that.

Or do you not have the mental space to think about it too much because of the demands of young children?

Original poster
Jen2209 · 24/09/2023 08:41

I'm trying to focus on his actions and not focus on the things he said during a very difficult time. I know it doesn't make what he said right but I don't want to throw away a 16 year relationship over some upset words when he's proving to me every day that he's trying. It's an ever evolving situation I guess x

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 24/09/2023 08:46

I’m glad it kind of worked out but it’s shocking how his fear and anxiety so quickly manifested as anger and abuse towards you. He desperately needs counselling to learn to identify his emotions and work through fears in a more appropriate way. Life is full of trauma and you can’t just shout it away by turning on your partner.

MoodyMum94 · 24/09/2023 08:53

Jen2209 · 24/09/2023 03:07

Baby is three months old and an absolute joy, I do not for one second regret my decision to have her.

Partner & I had plenty of difficult conversations throughout pregnancy & when she was a newborn. Firstly he sincerely apologised and spent a lot of my pregnancy more than pulling his weight & trying to make it up to me. Turned out that a lot of his feelings stemmed from the very difficult time we had when eldest was a newborn, which is understandable but poorly handled.

I think my major upset was when I caught him crying when she was a few weeks old because he said he was still struggling with feelings of not wanting her & that he felt horribly guilty about it. That was very upsetting because I convinced myself that his feelings would change once she was here. She's now three months old and he's not really spoken about that part again, despite me trying to gently ask a few times. I watch them together sometimes when he doesn't know I'm looking & I like to think that I see love there, maybe it's wishful thinking on my part I don't know. He's certainly still a present & loving father to both children & pulls his weight.

Best of luck with your situation, it's certainly not an easy one x

Sounds like he's really trying here OP. When you love someone sometimes that's the best gift in the world after a hard time. Well done on being so brave, sometimes it's harder on you... especially pregnant

Original poster
Jen2209 · 24/09/2023 09:03

Thank you. We're both working really hard on being kind & patient with each other and in communicating. At least then whatever happens, we both know that we've tried our best for our family. I hope things work out for you x

OP posts:
Mazhaz · 24/09/2023 09:06

He sounds VILE!!!! Just awful.
Under no circumstances do you allow him to get into your head about an abortion, he is disgusting.

On a side note, if YOU feel that your pelvic floor has weakened in anyway use pearl drops (type in pearl drops kegal) on Amazon, they are pink.

They are very effective at strengthening the pelvic floor post birth. Laxity affects LOTS of women so please don't let him shame you. You have grown a whole baby, HIS baby so what does he expect?

He sounds like a bully and someone who will crush your self esteem long term. Try some counselling to decide where to go from here?

Good luck, and I'm so sorry about this prick!

NW1738 · 24/09/2023 09:07

When’s the vasectomy booked in for?

Original poster
Jen2209 · 24/09/2023 09:42

He's on the waiting list

OP posts:
Original poster
Jen2209 · 24/09/2023 09:48

Thank you for all the gentle & supportive replies. I'm genuinely shocked by the amount of people just screaming LEAVE HIM, do you all just immediately walk away from your problems without any effort? Whilst I appreciate the support, I have chosen to try to work on things for the sake of my children and my family

OP posts:
Throwncrumbs · 24/09/2023 10:19

If a partner said my my vagina was loose i would be telling him it’s because his dick is so small… arsehole!

BreakTheChain · 24/09/2023 16:32

**deleted myself as seen OP update

namechange201841 · 25/09/2023 06:43

Jen2209 · 24/09/2023 09:48

Thank you for all the gentle & supportive replies. I'm genuinely shocked by the amount of people just screaming LEAVE HIM, do you all just immediately walk away from your problems without any effort? Whilst I appreciate the support, I have chosen to try to work on things for the sake of my children and my family

Congratulations on your new baby OP. Have you heard of PANDAs it's a charity that offers support for this kind of thing. I definitely think you and your DH could use it.
It sounds like he is trying to work on himself. Hope all works out for you and your family.

JulyAugust · 26/09/2023 16:28

Really sad to hear this, but you're pregnant and if you really want this baby then is is sadly greater and more important than somebody who treats you in this way, with disrespect. Not good but you have to think about what is going to make you happier in this situation. I know it's a very hard decision but you need to make a choice. What if you had the baby? Sounds like a wonderful idea to me. You will at some point meet somebody else anyway, you have so much time. Life is more than a relationship.

Mischance · 26/09/2023 16:36

"Your vagina was loose" - what a pathetic apology for a man. You would be better off without him.

MoodyMum94 · 19/11/2023 17:54

Jen2209 · 24/09/2023 09:48

Thank you for all the gentle & supportive replies. I'm genuinely shocked by the amount of people just screaming LEAVE HIM, do you all just immediately walk away from your problems without any effort? Whilst I appreciate the support, I have chosen to try to work on things for the sake of my children and my family

Fully agree with you. I'm the same. Not going to throw it all away for poorly handled situation... Albeit a big one, we still have a family and a life we've created x

Original poster
Jen2209 · 19/11/2023 20:49

Hope things are working out okay for you xx

OP posts:
MoodyMum94 · 19/11/2023 21:09

Jen2209 · 19/11/2023 20:49

Hope things are working out okay for you xx

Thank you Flowers 7 weeks until my due date. He's more receptive to talking about the baby at least, but by no means happy about it. Sounds awful but I'm waiting to see what happens when they're here xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/11/2023 21:16

I would consider giving this child your surname going forward rather than his.

Longer term do not get bogged down in your sunk costs because the sunk costs fallacy basically causes people to make really poor relationship decisions. A poor relationship investment is not going to suddenly or ever become good.

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