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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you ever forgive your partner for this?

72 replies

Yoyooo · 10/10/2022 18:09

Would you be able to forgive your DH if, when pregnant,they said they wanted to kill you and threaten to take your children away from you, taking away their passports? Then shortly after professing their love and saying sorry etc.

What justification would there be for doing this? Either from how the other partner has been acting or what stress they are under?

Sorry if I am being deliberately vague I just want some unbiased answers.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 19:44

What justification would there be for doing this?

The only justification I could think of would be the woman saying she was going to kill her children.

Still wouldn't actually justify saying he'd kill her, unless he meant if she tried to kill them and he had to do it to stop her.

Im presuming you are not a multiple infanticidal mother however.

So none.

Original poster
Yoyooo · 10/10/2022 19:45

The reason he has done this to me is because I am very stressed, I work full time, in the middle of buying a house, whilst pregnant and looking after my dying father. I am ashamed to say this but sometimes when I am stressed I hit my head with my hands, almost like a self harm. I have done this for years. He cannot cope when I go like this and when I am emotional.

I did it this morning as I am having to sort out my fathers funeral and my father is being very difficult about it, understandably, and lashed out verbally at me. This is what led to the fight and what I have written in my OP.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoyooo · 10/10/2022 19:46

I have 1 child and pregnant with my 2nd.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 19:48

Yoyooo · 10/10/2022 19:45

The reason he has done this to me is because I am very stressed, I work full time, in the middle of buying a house, whilst pregnant and looking after my dying father. I am ashamed to say this but sometimes when I am stressed I hit my head with my hands, almost like a self harm. I have done this for years. He cannot cope when I go like this and when I am emotional.

I did it this morning as I am having to sort out my fathers funeral and my father is being very difficult about it, understandably, and lashed out verbally at me. This is what led to the fight and what I have written in my OP.

Jesus, you poor thing.

Any decent person would try to calm you down and support you. That's such a sign of extreme and distress.

So he decides to distress and abuse you further.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 19:49

*extreme stress and distress

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 19:51

Just record all the circumstances and what happened and what he said with dates etc op .... In case it's useful for Women's Aid or any legal stuff in future.

Probably nothing will happen but it's a very good idea to have a record of abuse like this.

Opentooffers · 10/10/2022 19:52

I'd think that he has MH issues if it came out of the blue, then suddenly professed love. So no immediate forgiveness and the only hope would be if, while being separated, he got counselling and treated for his schizoid behaviour. That's a big swing from one extreme to the other. Though I suspect there is a backstory to this, threats to kill is extreme under any circumstance, so you should not consider living with him for your safety.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 19:59

Op you have a huge amount on your plate. Any one of those things would be a lot on their own (the pregnancy, a small child, demanding full-time job, house move, your father being terminally ill) ... No wonder you are intensely stressed.

Take it easy on yourself, can anyone help with your Dad. Can you work any fewer hours, at least the house move will be short-term stress.

Your partner's behaviour is abusive imo.

LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 20:00

Yoyooo · 10/10/2022 18:09

Would you be able to forgive your DH if, when pregnant,they said they wanted to kill you and threaten to take your children away from you, taking away their passports? Then shortly after professing their love and saying sorry etc.

What justification would there be for doing this? Either from how the other partner has been acting or what stress they are under?

Sorry if I am being deliberately vague I just want some unbiased answers.

No I would not forgive not forget that. A man that treats you like that when you are at your most vulnerable ( at any time really) is not a nice person. And the love bombing after stinks of manipulation.

I would be disappointed that I had misjudged his character and make immediate arrangements to leave.

The only possible explanation I would accept and consider: they were having a stroke / a brain tumor and had no control over what they were saying.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 20:02

Op you have so much on your plate to try to contemplate breaking up with your partner right now..... You don't have to do it now.
Staying now does not mean you've forgiven him or accepted the behaviour or you're going to stay in future. You can leave him if you want when it suits you best.

What you choose now doesn't have to get permanent.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 20:02

*doesn't have to be permanent

LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 20:05

Yoyooo · 10/10/2022 19:45

The reason he has done this to me is because I am very stressed, I work full time, in the middle of buying a house, whilst pregnant and looking after my dying father. I am ashamed to say this but sometimes when I am stressed I hit my head with my hands, almost like a self harm. I have done this for years. He cannot cope when I go like this and when I am emotional.

I did it this morning as I am having to sort out my fathers funeral and my father is being very difficult about it, understandably, and lashed out verbally at me. This is what led to the fight and what I have written in my OP.

Sorry I just read your update. Despicable behaviour.

Yes he might feel overwhelmed with the situation, or your chosen way to handle things, but the things he said are downright awful.

You are under a lot of pressure OP, I don't think you need to be ashamed of embarrassed of losing control at times. A kind partner would be there to support you and find ways to help you, not make things worse.

Be kind to yourself, and if there is any chance you could see a counsellor to help you through this difficult time I think it might be a good investment.

LovingLifesHurdles · 10/10/2022 20:06

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 20:02

Op you have so much on your plate to try to contemplate breaking up with your partner right now..... You don't have to do it now.
Staying now does not mean you've forgiven him or accepted the behaviour or you're going to stay in future. You can leave him if you want when it suits you best.

What you choose now doesn't have to get permanent.

I also very much agree with this, in your own time and however suits you best!

Darbs76 · 10/10/2022 20:19

No as you know they meant it - next time you fall out you’re going to be watching your back

Vapeyvapevape · 10/10/2022 20:24

The fact that he said this when you are under so much pressure makes it even worse, if that's at all possible.
I hope you can get some support while you are dealing with this xx

MayMoveMayNot · 10/10/2022 20:32

No.
I'd be packing mine and the children's passports and important documents then actioning the exit plan immediately.

Original poster
Yoyooo · 10/10/2022 20:38

I don't have the energy to make any big life changes right now. Tonight I have had to focus on my dad also as he has been quite ill.

DH keeps trying to 'make up' but also seems frustrated as I am not responding to his advances such as going to have a cuddle in bed. He said he shouldn't have to come in from work to see me miserable. I'm not miserable just a little emotionless tonight and trying to distract myself with doing some work on my laptop in-between seeing to my DS and dad.

OP posts:
GG1986 · 10/10/2022 20:39

Nope I wouldn't forgive this, he's threatened to kill you and leave your children without a mother. Find a way to leave before his anger turns physical.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 20:48

He also threatened to take her kids away from her and went so far as finding and taking their passports.

It's absolutely ridiculous op that he expects to make up after saying and doing what he did just like that, and expects you to be in a good mood.

Emotionally blackmailing you into cheering up and pretending it didn't happen and plsying happily families by saying "I should have just not come home, having to face this, you being miserable".

Fuck him, why would you be in a good mood or relaxed or happy ... Lol at what youve got on your plate but much more importantly look at what he said to you and how he treated you.

He just wants you to gloss over it and get over it

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 20:50

What he did was police, women's aid, shelter, divorce time .... He's fucking lucky he's able to come home, he's fucking lucky you're there at all to come he to.

Yet that's not good enough for him, you have to be affectionate and upbeat towards someone who did and says what he did to you.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 20:53

You have so much to deal with atm op, so it's totally understand that you don't want to leave now etc but record this, (I suppose you already have in this thread), download or screenshot the thread, go to womens aid and talk to them about this incident, and you can do what you want to do in future.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 20:56

Actually I shouldn't have said shelter - because a threat to kill would've led to him being removed from your home, not you having to move out.

1FootInTheRave · 10/10/2022 20:57

What he said is utterly terrifying and I would never get past it.

I am fearful for you op.

Mummytotwonow · 10/10/2022 21:05

Get the hell away from him - unforgivable

Whybot · 10/10/2022 21:06

Please leave secretly when safe with kids and passports etc . It’s up to you whether you can forgive him one day, from a distance without expecting to be near him of course. It would be hard, but is apparently possible to forgive this, but that doesn’t mean you would be safe to stay with him , you’d be foolish and putting your kids at serous risk too.
V sad .