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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy - DH doesn’t want baby

38 replies

ColdduckOddfish · 10/10/2022 16:01

I’m pregnant after a contraception failure - DH doesn’t want the baby. We already have 2 older DC (preteens). And he just doesn’t want to go back and add another 18 years of active parenting.

I can’t imagine having a termination.

Is our relationship doomed to fail? Will there be resentment on one side regardless of what I decide to do?

OP posts:
albairlanda · 10/10/2022 16:11

Not necessarily. This happened to me. Dh would not consider having the baby. We already had 2 children and all was good. Termination was the only option with his being so against it. I had never imagined having one. It was awful. But we got through it. It's not doomed. But it is a massive turning point/big bump in road/crisis to work through.

We ended up having a third child a couple of years late that was planned. Don't think that would have happened had it not not had to deal with trauma of unplanned and termination.

Kerri9 · 10/10/2022 16:13

Depends…what do you want?

Kerri9 · 10/10/2022 16:13

Also congratulations!

MMmomDD · 10/10/2022 16:17

I’d not chose a man over termination I don’t want. And if I were forced into it - I’d probably not be able to stay with him anyway.
In the end of the day - if you have a baby - he’ll come around, it’s his child after all. Happened many times before.
You didn’t trick him into having the child. Sometimes life throws us curve balls that turn out to be the best thing they could have happened to us.

If you can afford the child and you want to have it - don’t let him bully you into terminating.

berksandbeyond · 10/10/2022 16:19

MMmomDD · 10/10/2022 16:17

I’d not chose a man over termination I don’t want. And if I were forced into it - I’d probably not be able to stay with him anyway.
In the end of the day - if you have a baby - he’ll come around, it’s his child after all. Happened many times before.
You didn’t trick him into having the child. Sometimes life throws us curve balls that turn out to be the best thing they could have happened to us.

If you can afford the child and you want to have it - don’t let him bully you into terminating.

Or he could not come around?
Op needs to consider whether she would cope as a single mum of 3 kids, if this breaks their relationship.
Babies are hard work even when they're desperately wanted

Druamber · 10/10/2022 16:21

Not necessarily. Was in exact same position. My dh was dead set against it. I decided to keep the baby. Husband soon got over the shock and can't imagine us not having our little baby and is so ashamed of his intial reaction. I was prepared to split over it though, as 100% didn't want a termination.

ChakaKhanfan · 10/10/2022 16:21

Communication is going to be the only way through this,l. Relationship isn’t doomed to fail but you both need to be honest and you both need to listen.
good luck

Druamber · 10/10/2022 16:22

Oh, he has now had the snip as neither of us ever want to be in this position ever again!!

averageavocado · 10/10/2022 16:30

In the end of the day - if you have a baby - he’ll come around, it’s his child after all. Happened many times before.

and just as many if not more times he won't

Original poster
ColdduckOddfish · 10/10/2022 17:28

I can’t have a termination. I just can’t do it. Does that make me a terrible mum to my existing DC? I am risking their family breaking apart for a child that isn’t even here yet.

OP posts:
WhatsAVideo · 10/10/2022 17:45

Can you mentally, emotionally, physically and financially cope alone with 3DC? Give birth alone? What if he only wants to see the eldest two? Or none of them?

These are the questions you need to ask and realistically answer.

Original poster
ColdduckOddfish · 10/10/2022 17:47

Maybe not @WhatsAVideo . But I can’t emotionally or physically cope with a termination either

OP posts:
Kerri9 · 10/10/2022 17:47

Absolutely not! You do what’s best for you. You didn’t break the family up if that’s what it comes too. Your husband could come around maybe it was a shock. You both need to have a conversation and see what happens.

OldFan · 10/10/2022 17:55

@ColdduckOddfish Your existing DC won't necessarily resent your 3rd child; they could love them and take them under their wing.

If you don't feel able to have a termination, then having one could be really bad for your mental health.

Your husband might well come round to the pregnancy and LO soon; one of my ex partners wasn't keen at first, but got into the idea after a couple of weeks.

I really don't think you should have a termination if the idea feels so wrong to you about this LO.

WhatsAVideo · 10/10/2022 17:56

This might be unpopular, but with two children already in the mix, and the impact it would have on them, then I’m afraid this decision should not entirely be based on emotion alone.

I simply couldn’t (and didn’t) put the feelings of myself first, when I was in a similar position, albeit he didn’t want the pregnancy to continue, whereas I did, provided I could find a logical way to make it work, without it having a significant impact on the DC that already existed. There simply was no way for it to work that didn’t involve me being supremely selfish.

notdaddycool · 10/10/2022 17:58

Your body, ultimately your choice, I hope he comes round.

Original poster
ColdduckOddfish · 10/10/2022 18:01

Well I think you are right @WhatsAVideo in that I need to consider whether I could do this alone and make my decisions based on that. I am financially secure so that is one less worry. DH is a good and involved father to our 2 DC and I am convinced if needed we would coparent well. I just need to think about whether I can do the rest of it alone or not.

OP posts:
Mischance · 10/10/2022 18:12

If you cannot terminate, then you cannot. It does not make you a "bad Mum" in the least.

If it is any help, our third child arrived when the first two were older primary age and it all worked out just fine. They loved their little sister who was mothered 3 x over; she became a very calm and happy young adult.

Mommabear20 · 10/10/2022 18:14

I'm currently pregnant with our 3rd child in 3 years who is also the result of failed contraception. Same as you, I'd never consider a termination, my DH wanted me to have one. It strained our relationship to what I thought was going to be breaking point, then today, at 32 weeks, he randomly leans in, kisses my belly and said 'I love you little one!' Things have been getting slowly better since the 12 weeks scan, but I didn't expect him to get to that point while I was still pregnant.

It's not a certainty that it'll end your relationship, but you also have to consider that it might. I know it might and chose my child over my marriage. While I did everything to keep my marriage in tact, if I had to sacrifice one, I knew it would be my marriage. You need to decide which one is your choice to keep if it comes to it.

missmamiecuddleduck · 10/10/2022 18:19

If you can't do it, that's that.

Try to take the emotions out of it a little and think about the impact it will have on your family.

I'd insist DH make an appointment for the snip.

MMmomDD · 10/10/2022 19:13

OP - if your H is a decent man and a good father to your two children - chances are he isn’t going to just leave and not be around for his existing kids and for the little one.
How exactly is he going to explain it to his kids, his family, friends? Is he going to have a personality transplant?

And if he is that sort of person - who will abandon his kids because something happened that he didn’t like - then do you really want to be with him…

It’s one thing not to want to try for more kids. Fair enough. But this child already exists. And an abortion shouldn’t be forced on a woman who doesn’t want it. If he definitely as done - he should have got a snip.

As to the impact on the existing children - how would it be different if the couple decided to have a 3rd? Are they expected to consult existing children on that?
If the family can afford more kids - there isn’t really an issue. People have 3 kids, it’s not some crazy number.

Opentooffers · 10/10/2022 19:42

If a man is so against it, that they'd want it terminated, they should of had the snip, simple as that really - unless they'd rather abstain (as if!).
What's harder physically, termination or snip? Stick to your guns, only time will tell if he's a total idiot. He won't garner any sympathy off anyone who knows him if he leaves you because of the child he created. If he's been a good dad so far, I'd be surprised if he does. It's not nice to give empty threats, but hopefully they are just that as he's not realised the enormity of what he's asking of you.

wb3 · 10/10/2022 20:02

missmamiecuddleduck · 10/10/2022 18:19

If you can't do it, that's that.

Try to take the emotions out of it a little and think about the impact it will have on your family.

I'd insist DH make an appointment for the snip.

Coercive control.

You can't insist he has the snip anymore than he can insist she has a termination.

justasking111 · 10/10/2022 20:10

The only time my OH came to the surgery with me was when I found I was pregnant 18 year old gap. GP said to me gently would you like a termination. That crystallised it for me. I blurted out that I'd rather have a baby than a grumpy old man.

I did compromise if the amniocentesis was bad then I would terminate. It was a bit wobbly for a while related wise.

21 years later he's flown the nest for good living 150 miles away with a lovely girl. Husband missing him more than me

TeefAsseblief · 10/10/2022 21:42

The husband could come around, and the pre teens may love the sibling, or the family could be blown apart by it and be full of resentment. Is the new baby worth that risk, and can OP do it alone if need be.

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