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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy - DH doesn’t want baby

38 replies

ColdduckOddfish · 10/10/2022 16:01

I’m pregnant after a contraception failure - DH doesn’t want the baby. We already have 2 older DC (preteens). And he just doesn’t want to go back and add another 18 years of active parenting.

I can’t imagine having a termination.

Is our relationship doomed to fail? Will there be resentment on one side regardless of what I decide to do?

OP posts:

FairlyIncognito · 10/10/2022 21:53

How new is the news? Don’t trust any initial reaction as it can be a lot to take in and if it hasn’t been very long he may surprise you , especially as he sounds a good dad to your first two .
And congratulations ! I hope it works out for you (we have an unplanned 3rd and it’s been a lovely joy all over again )

tillytoodles1 · 11/10/2022 19:14

My brother was sixteen and I was thirteen when my brother was born. Two years later when my mum thought she was on the change, my sister appeared. My mum said having two kids when she was in her forties kept her young.

passport123 · 11/10/2022 19:15

Preteens are going to need you a lot in the next few years. They won't thank you for bringing a baby into the house as they come up to gcse etc. You're not a bad person if you have a TOP for their sake.

KitBumbleB · 11/10/2022 21:09

How will the baby impact on the preteens?
Will they have to share a room?
Will you expect them to babysit or collect their sibling from nursery/school when you're at work?

Mischance · 11/10/2022 22:12

passport123 · 11/10/2022 19:15

My pre-teens thanked me for bringing a third child into the house - they loved her to bits. And one thing they learned from it was how much we as parents had done for them when they were little - they found that reassuring.

Dotcheck · 11/10/2022 22:43

WhatsAVideo · 10/10/2022 17:45

Can you mentally, emotionally, physically and financially cope alone with 3DC? Give birth alone? What if he only wants to see the eldest two? Or none of them?

These are the questions you need to ask and realistically answer.

What If he only sees two of his children, or none? Then he is a giant penis and not worth the angst

lovelilies · 12/10/2022 07:28

He can't insist you terminate, he made the baby too and should've had a vasectomy if he was that against another child.

Either he comes round to it or he doesn't . I think by the sounds of it he will.

I think you should have the baby, it's not a catastrophe, it's life throwing you a curve ball as PP said, and could be the making of all of you 😊

WhatsAVideo · 12/10/2022 09:01

Dotcheck · 11/10/2022 22:43

What If he only sees two of his children, or none? Then he is a giant penis and not worth the angst

Show quote history

I didn’t mean it in terms of him, I meant it in terms of would OP be able to cope with/navigate that. It’s not unreasonable for a man to not want a relationship with a child he didn’t want.

Original poster

ColdduckOddfish · 12/10/2022 09:16

WhatsAVideo · 12/10/2022 09:01

I didn’t mean it in terms of him, I meant it in terms of would OP be able to cope with/navigate that. It’s not unreasonable for a man to not want a relationship with a child he didn’t want.

Show quote history

I think it would be highly unreasonable. Luckily DH does too. My worries aren’t whether he will have a relationship with one or all of the children. He will - he is a good man and good father. I am worried about the impact on our relationship, not the relationship he would have with the DC.

OP posts:

elephantseal · 12/10/2022 09:18

I can understand his pov, but I can also understand yours.

You need to think about whether you'd rather have this baby and risk losing your h and family set-up, and, if you had a termination, would your marriage survive?

Sending you hugs and sympathy. Such a hard decision to make. 💐

MMmomDD · 12/10/2022 10:17

@ColdduckOddfish

I think the main question - if you go along with his insistence on abortion - is whether YOU will be able to have the same relationship with him? Would you be able to not be resentful? Would you not feel he forced you and thus your relationship dynamic has changed? And that in parallel with regret and mourning you’d most likely go through.
Those are very difficult feelings to live with.

If you do have a baby - the feelings your H would babe to live with are of a different nature completely. He may be annoyed with the change of lifestyle - at least in the short term. But then very quickly all the positive and natural emotions would flood in - as they do with babies.

Viviennemary · 12/10/2022 11:12

You absolutely don't want a termination. Sodon't have one. You could spend the rest of your life regretting it and resenting your husband for putting you in this position.

CatsandFish · 12/10/2022 13:08

If your husband really didn't want another child he would have manned up and done the responsible thing that all normal husbands do - get the snip. Basically this is all his fault, and he set it up this way so he clearly will be ok with having another child. If he wasn't, he'd have the snip. End of story. I would tell him that I will not be having a termination, that it was him and his sperm that got me pregnant, and I will not be sleeping with him post-pregnancy until he gets the snip. No snip, no sex. Then you'll see if he'll stop being so irresponsible and selfish and will man up and do the right thing, given you've done more than your part, carrying and birthing his children while he's got off with no responsibility. It's his turn now. You've put your body through more than enough. Time for him to step up.

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