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Original poster

Is he just not into me?

30 replies

hesjustnotthatintoyou · 10/10/2022 10:42

As my username suggests, and inspired by another recent thread and a post within stating "if a man like you, you'd know. If he doesn't you'll be confused" - is he just not that into me?

We chatted briefly years ago after matching on internet dating.. probably 8ish years ago but never met. We reconnected earlier this year after he recognised me on a Facebook support group for a health concern we both share and exchanged a few messages. I however wasn't in a good place mentally after splitting up around the same time with my ex and also with the health issue mentioned. I didn't reply to his last message and he sent another couple along the lines of "well it was nice talking to you" etc.

Fast forward to this summer where I was feeling much better in myself and felt bad/rude for not responding to him, so messaged and he replied and gave me his number. We started Whatsapp messaging however the communication has been inconsistent & infrequent at best. We met up after some time, for a coffee, then another coffee a couple of weeks later. Very little communication in between - he says he isn't much of a texter and is on Whatsapp a lot for checking work messages, supposedly. Anyway, he comes round (is late) to watch a film then leaves on it finishing. Tells me by text he would like to have kissed me but didn't want to overstep the mark. I told him this would have been welcomed so he came round again (late once more) after texting me during a night shift that he "missed me". We didn't sleep together but did kiss/make out. He left for another night shift and again, no communication for 5 days. When I questioned it, I was told "well you didn't text me either". It may be old fashioned but I figure if a man comes round and does that sort of thing with you and then leaves, especially with me having pointed out his lack of communication, he should send something.

Anyway, I have not seen him since and another week goes by with no communication until he is nearby this weekend and sends a selfie telling me he is at a party near mine. I respond with several messages along the lines of I am not sure what you want as you never say however I do not want what this currently is and will not be a booty call, nor will I be someone who is picked up whenever is convenient and ignored for the most part in between. I am told he didn't expect to get feelings for me and is scared. I point out that surely if you have feelings for someone that would mean you would want to spend more time with someone, not less. I said he appears to have no interest in going through with the things he had mentioned us doing - going for breakfast, going on a hike etc. His response was that he 'does though', but is worried about having feelings and finally "I just need to act on them I guess?"

I am at a loss - he is in his 40's and have never encountered this before. I have said have you got a wife/gf - apparently not, and when I first met him in person he said he'd not really dated given the health issue mentioned at the beginning of this post.

I think I probably already know the answer but thought it worth asking for some perspective for anyone who may have encountered this type of 'wariness', if that's what it is, with someone before in the early days of getting to know someone.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 10/10/2022 10:48

I don't think I could be bothered with it, whatever he might want.

TinyBagEnergy · 10/10/2022 10:48

It shouldn't be this hard.

Drop him and focus your energies elsewhere.

Anon778833 · 10/10/2022 10:51

He’s a PITA. Don’t sleep with him - he should be making much more effort than this. He’s like all the other entitled men on online dating.

Sotired22 · 10/10/2022 10:52

I wasted a lot of time and energy on someone like this. Emotionally unavailable. I’d walk away now before you get too invested and end up hurt. He may well like you but the fact is he’s inconsistent and picks you up when it suits HIM, and that’s unlikely to change in my experience with these types.

Newusernameaug · 10/10/2022 10:52

He’s stealing your energy, messing you around with his supposed conflict to keep you hanging when he’s doing exactly what you called him out on.

id stop all communication, if he’s that interested he’ll step up.

Original poster
hesjustnotthatintoyou · 10/10/2022 11:00

Thanks all. I know this - it's just very disappointing when it's someone you share interests with and it could be good, if the interest/effort was equal and reciprocated obviously.

I hate the term 'man up' but I am sitting here in my 30's, having been through quite a lot as most people have, but willing to take a punt, thinking exactly that - man up. If you aren't interested just say so, and if you are do something about it.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 10/10/2022 11:07

I hear you! Been there so many times before - I wish people would just be straight up and honest?!

BeckyGoLightly · 10/10/2022 11:14

I'm sure you can do better than this.
It doesn't matter why he is like this, he just is and in his 40s he is set in his ways. There's plenty of other men, let him go. You're letting him be in charge when you have far more control about dating than you give him. You can choose to block him, you can choose to move on, you can choose not to waste chances on guys that muck you about.
The men that are direct, nice and fancy you won't waste time to lock it down. None of this BS game playing who texted whom first. Don't give third chances... the old saying if they show you who they are first time believe them.

FawnDrench · 10/10/2022 11:23

He sounds like hard work and a bit too needy so you imo would be better leaving it and hopefully find someone who respects you.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2022 11:40

The thing is though, feelings aren't supposed to be scary. If you get feelings for someone you're dating and it seems to be going well then surely that's a good thing. And a fun thing just in the beginning that you want to explore further.

The only way they are a problem are if a. You have some serious issues like, maybe you're dying of cancer and so didn't expect to get involved with anyone new. Or more likely, your mental health is shot and you aren't in a position to date. Or b. If you get too full on too fast and put the person on some sort of pedestal. Which they won't stay on. Because you're emotionally unhealthy (or some sort of cluster b persobality) and don't like them person, just the IDEA of them.

Neither are good.
Liking someone you're dating shouldn't be complicated. Dating someone who likes you shouldn't be either.

Pinkdelight3 · 10/10/2022 11:43

I agree with the other Pink. A man in his 40s who is scared of his feelings is a waste of your time. Plus it's probably just a line to excuse his crapness. I'm not someone who think you have to text a lot between dates and I don't agree it must be initiated by the man, but even so, he's beyond useless. Even when you have a date - and it's only coming around to yours - he can't be on time. He's not into it, but that's all on him so don't take anything to heart. Ditch him and move onwards and upwards.

MrsEricBana · 10/10/2022 11:45

Unfortunately you need to walk away from this one as, for whatever reason, he can't give you what you want / need.

Dery · 10/10/2022 15:07

“If you aren't interested just say so, and if you are do something about it.”

Men tend to be about actions rather than words. I think the way to look at it is that he is saying he’s not that into you but he’s doing it with his actions rather than his words. He doesn’t want to tell you directly with words because that requires decisive action and it probably suits his ego to keep
you dangling. But that is what his actions are saying.

MMmomDD · 10/10/2022 15:31

@hesjustnotthatintoyou
Personally - I think it’s more nuanced than a simple - does he like me.
You had a long and slow history of stop and go. You disappeared on him.
Who knows what his relationship history is.

So - to me he seems like someone who is trying to play it very carefully and not to overstep. And he sort of leaves it in your court to drive the progression - i think in his mind, this is the safest approach.

And I think this slow burn doesn’t work for you. Because - now that you reappeared you want him to pursue you, in a very stereotypical male manner. And I don’t think he can do it. Not everyone can.
So - it won’t work as you two are different.

But as to - is he into you - I think he is. Just it isn’t necessarily enough.

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 17:18

If you aren't interested just say so, and if you are do something about it

Stop expecting respect. It's your job to make sure you're respected, nobody else's. You are your own responsibility. Leave behind anybody who doesn't respect you, rather than putting expectations on other people. There are shit people, cowardly people, rude people, lazy people, nasty people, and you'll come across them all. If you choose to wallow in 'But why don't they respect me?!' rather than walking away at the first sign, you'll waste vast swathes of your life where you are now: on a forum, hoping beyond hope that someone who has proved to be a time-waster is going to miraculously be your dream man.

In short, stop thinking that people are going to do what you think they 'should.

Badbaddogagain · 10/10/2022 17:27

Really, are you into him? That’s more important. It doesn’t really sound like you are, at least not enough to be angsting like this and handing the power over to him.

And yes, people using the ‘I’m scared of my feelings’ line are just talking bollocks.

Move on.

pilates · 10/10/2022 17:28

Yes he does sound hard work and it shouldn’t be like that. Don’t pin your hopes on him. Sorry

Readaboutyourself · 10/10/2022 17:32

I am told he didn't expect to get feelings for me and is scared

Men think women swallow this ‘scared’ BS. It’s nonsense.

It doesn’t sound like you’re into him much either. Maybe you’re bored?

AnApparitionQuipped · 10/10/2022 17:35

My variant on the 'is he into me' question is, if you have to ask on Mumsnet, he isn't.

dailyfup · 10/10/2022 17:46

It doesn't sound like you are that bothered either. You haven't really been communicating with him - just waiting for him to contact you.
He's just pissing about, keeping you as an option.
I really couldn't be arsed with that. Forget about it - it's never going to be anything worthwhile.

dailyfup · 10/10/2022 17:47

Men think women swallow this ‘scared’ BS. It’s nonsense

Yup, it's complete and utter bullshit.
Along the lines of men who are supposedly "shy" as a reason why they aren't asking a woman out, communicating sufficiently, making a move etc.
"Ah, he's just shy..:" - no he isn't. He's not interested. Even very shy people manage to get partners if they want to.

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 17:50

AnApparitionQuipped · 10/10/2022 17:35

My variant on the 'is he into me' question is, if you have to ask on Mumsnet, he isn't.

Yup. The opinion of MN is never going to be what makes a relationship successful. So, even if he was into you, the fact that you don't feel sure is the salient point. I've said on another thread recently, if he brings you flowers and wine to profess his love, that's great, but if you have a flower allergy and weekly AA meetings, he's not for you. It's not about him. It's about you choosing how you want to feel: unsure enough that you need to post on MN, or confident enough to walk away from incompatible matches.

CovertImage · 10/10/2022 18:21

I kind of agree with MMmomDD on this one

Original poster
hesjustnotthatintoyou · 10/10/2022 18:27

Thanks for the other replies.

In answer to @Badbaddogagain @dailyfup and @Readaboutyourself I actually am interested and into him, hence posting and giving this more headspace than it deserves probably. I was excited at the prospect of getting to know him and seeing where things headed and doing the things he suggested (but never came through with). I was texting a lot to begin with, but it became clear it was pretty one sided and I don’t see why anyone should chase someone for contact. It should be mutual conversation and interest which is why I stepped back having said how I felt about the lack of communication, giving him the option to ‘show up’.

OP posts:
Rockschooldropout · 10/10/2022 18:32

If you have to question whether he is .. you’ve answered your own question
No , he’s not into you because if he was you’d know . He’s keeping you as an option , a booty call maybe .. but that’s it .. The old chestnut of being “scared of his feelings” is utter hogwash .. it’s just a line designed to keep you hanging - move on because it doesn’t sound as though you are that into him yourself