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Original poster

DP - another weekend pissed off with each other

37 replies

AnnieOid · 10/10/2022 02:53

During the week, I barely see DP. He works til 9pm every night. Despite me pleading that he organise his work life better when the DC were little, this continued. Now I don’t mind as he tends to annoy me when he is here anyway. Weekends normally involve some kind of argument.
This weekend, we had friends coming over. The rubbish jobs (bins, toilet cleaning, cleaning floors, mowing lawn) always end up being my domain. He did the shopping. I took DS to the park at one point - asked him to mow lawn when I was gone. Came back and he’d cut some branches - lawn not done as ‘it didn’t need doing’. He hasn’t done it once this year. So I did it.
I rarely drink, but guests brought over a large bottle of wine. I had a couple of glasses. Then there was a small bottle in the kitchen (about 70% gone) There was about a glass worth’s left - so I drank it straight from the bottle. This caused DP to erupt with such venom and spite. He was just vile. I just stared at him blankly, and walked away.
Id been up the previous night with DS since 5.30am, and DS has just woken again in the middle of the night. I usually calm him down with music. DP rarely gets up to him, but he decided to just now. Walked in the room, turned my music off. Put music on his phone on. Went back to bed. Didn’t say a word. Just overruled me.
Anyway. An ex messaged me about a month ago. I ignored it. But I’m SO bloody tempted to reply….

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2022 02:56

End this shit relationship, FGS. You need to get involved with an ex like you need another fucking hole in your head. Don't be daft.

Original poster
AnnieOid · 10/10/2022 03:10

I don’t think ending it is an option. Not while the children are around. They, at least, are very happy. I wouldn’t want to change their living space/schools/friends etc. We have financial security. I have an elderly/frail mum to support.
I used to moan, complain, argue - but I just walk away now and find my own space - and do the jobs that he won’t do. He just irritates me so much! Thankfully - during the week I barely see him.

Zero affection between us. No sex.
Is drinking from a bottle - when it’s not going to be shared anymore - THAT bad??

OP posts:
Player001 · 10/10/2022 03:20

Don't stay together 'for the children'. That's the worst thing you could do. When the kids grow up and find out they are the reason you had a crap life they will feel incredible guilt.

Right now they are watching and learning from your relationship and will grow up to believe that is how relationships are meant to be.

Do you want their future partners to treat them (and for them to treat their future partners) the way you and your H treat each other? The cycle doesn't end until someone breaks it.

Original poster
AnnieOid · 10/10/2022 03:39

I don’t think they really see anything though. I’m usually on my own with them during them week. The bottle incident wasn’t witnessed. They were laughing and playing with their friends and had zero idea that I was annoyed. They are genuinely happy and I don’t want to disrupt that.

OP posts:
diffandproud · 10/10/2022 03:43

Do not reply to your ex. What are you thinking. You are still in a relationship with your DH, the father of your child. Sort out your current relationship before starting a new one!!

America12 · 10/10/2022 03:43

It's wrong to stay together for the kids. If you won't split up then this is your life.

jeaux90 · 10/10/2022 06:54

But they are aren't they! All the kids see is a relationship where the father is a grumpy arsehole who does eff all round the house.

I'm a single parent and I can tell you my life is a lot more peaceful.

Longer term they will admire you for having the courage to leave and not put up with this shit.

sunlovingcriminal · 10/10/2022 07:08

Of you want to stay together then you both need to try and make the environment happier. For you (as well as for the kids even if you think they're oblivious). Can you put out an olive branch to him to talk? Maybe get some couples counselling so that you can both air your thoughts, and come up with a plan to make things more harmonious.

If you can both agree to do this, I'd cut my losses and start planning on leaving.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2022 07:56

You’re staying because you perceive it’s easier for you to do so, nothing to do with the kids. Stop being afraid here of moving on with your own life and further cease being his personal house elf/mug. You’ve made a rod for your own back with this man with the chores because you step in when he does not. Your children could well start treating you with this same level
of overall disdain given time.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Well you would like to think that your children are happy and they are also because they do not want to see you further upset. Do not kid yourself that they don’t know anything at all about your relationship with your chosen lazy arse of a partner however because they do pick up on all the vibes here.

Keep ignoring your ex too. Neither he or this current man are any good. Better to be on your own than to remain this badly accompanied.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2022 08:02

Couples counselling is a complete non starter here given how he treats the OP. And he would not go to such sessions anyway because he has not done a thing wrong, in his head anyway. Op has merely become inured to this from him and her choice for now anyway to stay with her man will further emotionally harm her children who are growing up seeing this awful and dysfunctional relationship model.

FrancescaContini · 10/10/2022 08:05

What a horrible environment for your children. They know, you know, when parents don’t love each other any more. You’re choosing to remain in denial but your children have no choice here and in the long term they will resent you both for it.

Wombat27A · 10/10/2022 08:15

Of course they know. You can feel the atmosphere & they have no control of their exposure to it.

Dery · 10/10/2022 08:18

“What a horrible environment for your children. They know, you know, when parents don’t love each other any more. You’re choosing to remain in denial but your children have no choice here and in the long term they will resent you both for it.”

This with bells on. Be careful what relationship you model or you might be seeing your DCs in a similar relationship in the future.

In a different context, I have SO much regret about some of the behaviour I modelled to my now mid/late teens. They’re great but their worst behaviours are pretty similar to mine and I would give a great deal to go back and model something different if I could. Yes, I did my best but there were times when my best was very poor.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2022 08:22

Don’t hide behind the children. That’s gutless. You’re thinking about cheating while staying so you can enjoy your financial benefits of being with your partner and have the excitement of messing about with an ex. At least own it.

gannett · 10/10/2022 08:36

Shopping is a much more time-consuming and annoying job than cleaning the floors and taking the bins out imo. Mowing the lawn is never actually a necessity and never worth having an argument over. As someone who swigged from many a bottle of wine at parties in my 20s, if I went into the kitchen while hosting guests to find my partner doing that I would certainly raise an eyebrow and make a comment, though not in a vile or angry way because I actually like him.

Which is obviously the crux of the problem. You don't like him. He doesn't seem to like you. This is toxis and unsustainable. You have to figure out whether you want to like each other again or whether the seething resentment is such that you don't care any more, in which case you need to separate (for the children - a split is preferable to growing up in an atmosphere of seething resentment).

Did you ever like each other? Trying to get back to what made you fall for each other in the first place is a good first step if you want to fix this.

If you didn't like each other in the first place, well, better late than never to split up.

Darbs76 · 10/10/2022 08:52

Your children will notice, believe me. I’m that child and I do not appreciate my parents staying together for me. Not one bit. I don’t understand why so many women set such a low bar for themselves, yes you want your children to be happy, but the government provides a lot of help towards childcare etc and you can manage alone. Not sure why people would rather live with constant arguing and unpleasantness. Not sure what to suggest if you don’t want to leave, as nothing will change

Watchkeys · 10/10/2022 09:00

I laughed and played on Saturday afternoons, knowing that my parents would distress me by fighting later on, every week, almost without fail.

I grew up into an adult who thought that 'loving relationship' meant 'invisible undercurrent of nastiness', and had relationships that followed suit, into my 40s. I had counselling and got myself sorted out, 20 years after my Mum died. She'd be mortified if she knew that her 'staying for the kids', and 'they look really happy, though...' had resulted in this.

Get out.

Afterfire · 10/10/2022 09:09

Going against the grain, if he genuinely isn’t there much the dc are probably pretty happy. But- they’ll be equally happy eventually if you divorce well and remain on good terms. That won’t happen if you jump into bed with your ex and it all goes tits up - you’ll be the bad guy forever. Not the Mum who ended up because she was unhappy. Think very carefully about the long term implications here. You might think you’ll get away with seeing the ex without anyone knowing but that’s highly unlikely. If you aren’t happy with your dh you need to end things properly.

Afterfire · 10/10/2022 09:09

*ended it, not up

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/10/2022 09:12

Oh the 'Staying together for the sake of the children' crap again.

This is absolute bollocks and you know it.

It's just easier for you to stay in a toxic relationship. Trust me, your kids already know.

LondonLovie · 10/10/2022 09:15

The issue isn't the grass or the wine swigging.

The issue is you don't both fundamentally like each other anymore.

So, you need to have a conversation about what the future holds. Choices are: carrying on eroding each other's life, ebbing away at each other like like rot. Sit down and try and make improvements. Split.

And your kids will pick up on the hatred and hostility. So don't think option 1 is the option which gives your kids the best life. It's the worst for them.

washingbasketqueen · 10/10/2022 09:17

Sounds like neither of you are making each other happy. Unless you both get onto the same page, nothing is going to change and your children will 100% notice. They will notice how their parents speak and interact with each other which will be a blueprint for their future interactions. So just being civil isn't really good enough.

If I were you I'd start planning for the future and anticipate that you're going to be parenting separately. Do you have a job? Is it enough to support you and run a home?

Lunificent · 10/10/2022 09:17

You have to split really. Have a good think about how you could make it work to be apart and take care of your mum. There will be a way.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/10/2022 09:24

AnnieOid · 10/10/2022 03:39

I don’t think they really see anything though. I’m usually on my own with them during them week. The bottle incident wasn’t witnessed. They were laughing and playing with their friends and had zero idea that I was annoyed. They are genuinely happy and I don’t want to disrupt that.

They know. They see things when you think they're not looking, they cotton on the atmosphere is tense, and then they grow up thinking that this is what relationships are like and end up putting up with shit that they shouldn't.

You should leave, I wish one of my parents had. Two happy parents living in different houses would have been so much better for me than two miserable ones under the same roof.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/10/2022 09:24

It sounds like an unhappy relationship that brings no good to anybody, and if you are in a financial position to end it and live comfortably with your children, that would be the best thing to do.

If splitting isn't an option for practical reasons (and I totally accept this can be the case) then this is what you are stuck with until the children are older. I am 100% certain that contacting your ex will not improve the situation, and personally I think drinking wine from the bottle isn't a great way forward either.