DP - another weekend pissed off with each other

[AnnieOid]

During the week, I barely see DP. He works til 9pm every night. Despite me pleading that he organise his work life better when the DC were little, this continued. Now I don’t mind as he tends to annoy me when he is here anyway. Weekends normally involve some kind of argument.
This weekend, we had friends coming over. The rubbish jobs (bins, toilet cleaning, cleaning floors, mowing lawn) always end up being my domain. He did the shopping. I took DS to the park at one point - asked him to mow lawn when I was gone. Came back and he’d cut some branches - lawn not done as ‘it didn’t need doing’. He hasn’t done it once this year. So I did it.
I rarely drink, but guests brought over a large bottle of wine. I had a couple of glasses. Then there was a small bottle in the kitchen (about 70% gone) There was about a glass worth’s left - so I drank it straight from the bottle. This caused DP to erupt with such venom and spite. He was just vile. I just stared at him blankly, and walked away.
Id been up the previous night with DS since 5.30am, and DS has just woken again in the middle of the night. I usually calm him down with music. DP rarely gets up to him, but he decided to just now. Walked in the room, turned my music off. Put music on his phone on. Went back to bed. Didn’t say a word. Just overruled me.
Anyway. An ex messaged me about a month ago. I ignored it. But I’m SO bloody tempted to reply….

You've reached the contempt for each other stage and there's probably no coming back from that

This! Just because children don't witness actual events do not think for a second they're not watching and learning from the small nuances. Dad not present, Mum doing all the heavy lifting. Mum and Dad not hugging eachother and no affection. It's not normal. I had just this. I left when my children were 3 and 7. We're 6 years down the line now. We've all never been happier and I have quite frequent conversations with my kids about what healthy relationships are. I've been with DP over 2 years now and their Dad has a new partner. I left for my kids, I didn't want them to think what they'd been exposed to was normal, no way.
Sure I could've stayed. Financially comfortable, no upheaval and yes it took some bravery but it's the best choice I could've made for me and my children.
Oh, and don't message the ex. He's an ex for a reason and the last thing you need right now is an affair thrown into the mix

Btw it isn't clear whether you work - if you don't then it is time to get back out there as a step towards being able to leave.

@AnnieOid sounds like you’ve already checked out of you marriage so you need to do what the above post says, get prepared to leave. You only have one life and you don’t want to be a bitter old lady when your kids leave home. It’s not fair on anyone

I'm yet another person who was the child who knew full well their parents didn't like, let alone love each other...I was around 6 when I realised. Constant bitchy sarcastic remarks from my mother to my father aka The Invisible Man, on the rare occasions he was actually at home. My mother probably thought we didn't hear, let alone understand them...but of course myself and my two brothers did. No love or affection between them...or given to us. My mother stayed because she valued the lifestyle and her marriage more than the happiness of her three children. Blew up in her face when I was 21, when my father finally left her for another woman...he'd been unfaithful most of their marriage.

Like @Andypandy799 posted, my mother is now a angry bitter old woman living in a tiny HA flat on her own. Her and my father ruined my childhood and I have no sympathy for either of them.

This a thousand times. I went through this too. Kids know and it DOES affect them. For life.

Your dc will know the atmosphere changes when he's at home. They will hear the arguments, they will see you doing everything while he does little, and that is the relationship model you are giving them.

Cheating on him will just make things messy - do you want to end up the "bad guy" in front of your children, family & friends if he finds out? Another bloke is seldom the answer to bloke problems.

People staying together for the children are so bloody deluded it's ridiculous. I can't believe people still think like that. You are ruining your kids lives staying in an unhappy marriage. Sorry that's a bit harsh but I really think people like this need a bit of a shake

I was in the same position as your children. I never once saw my parents argue, they put on a show for us, but of course, we knew. They always know OP. They split up in the end and though I never witnessed anything untoward between them, and although I had a few months of finding it difficult, their separation improved our lives so very much. We were older by then though, and have all struggled with relationships, each of us mirroring our parents' marriage- keeping up appearances in miserable relationships.
Please choose your kids over the security of a man you don't like. Whichever relationship you're in, chances are they will be in a replica relationship. So if you don't want your kids in a marriage like yours, do something about it now.

This is a ridiculous comment. The entire point of couples counselling, and why it can be so effective, is that it helps show people why their behaviour is not acceptable and the root causes of them acting in the way they have, so they can address them at a fundamental level and become better people. Honestly your post is totally unhelpful

Jeezo, if you want to kid yourself that your children won’t notice this shit show of a relationship that’s all on you. If you don’t sort this and leave, then this is your - and your childrens - lives..

if he genuinely isn’t there much the dc are probably pretty happy

I don't think it works like this. We could all get royally screwed up in our heads in a split second, if we saw something horrific, for example.

He doesn't have to be there much. There just has to be the suggestion that what their lives rests on isn't quite right, it's unsafe, it's uncomfortable.