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Original poster

Is he into me?

42 replies

summersunshine46 · 09/10/2022 09:41

I’ve been dating a guy now for nearly a month (had 6 dates). And I’m really confused by his behaviour.
First 2 dates he was very confident (he is very beautiful looking!) and I got the vibe he was a bit of a player. Third date I went to his town and we went out for sit down meal and it felt like he was a lot less confidence like really trying to make a good impression and he made a joke saying he must quite like me becuase I was sittting in his spot in the pub then he said he must really like me, i just laughed it off.

I went to his local with him on Fri and he seemed a bit moody at first, then after a couple of drinks he was ok. we then went for a meal and went back to his house. We went to bed just cuddling and he said ‘I love you’ but he was meant to say ‘I love doing this with you’ and he was really embarrassed and he said I didn’t mean to say that. I laughed it off and said don’t worry, he said don’t be getting too giddy over it (think he was just embarrassed).

We went for a big walk yesterday and we spoke about lots of different things and then we went and sat outside for a drink, felt like a really good connection. Hes always been a little bit tipsy when he’s said things, but after our walk in the daytime completely sober just before I was leaving he said “I think you are incredible”.

But on message when I leave he isn’t the chattiest. I’ve never told him that I like him, but I do , I’m just playing it a bit cooler (to avoid jumping into anything). I just can’t help but feel he’s a player too. I don’t know why.

I can’t work the situation out. He also said he had a dream he was a firefighter and he said he likes reading into his dreams and he said google it and see what it means. So I did and it said when somebody can’t keep their emotions in, and he was like hmm interesting.

Are these signs he is interested or is it too soon to be? He doesn’t say anything nice over text it’s always me saying I had a nice time with you. He takes ages to reply at times. So after seeing him I’m always a bit like did he think the date went well

OP posts:
IloveGogglebox · 09/10/2022 09:44

There is a quote I read years ago when I had the same scenario and the same question -

"If a man likes you, you will know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused"

If he's blowing hot and cold I'd call it a day

MbatataOwl · 09/10/2022 09:44

Why don't you ask him how he feels about how things have gone so far?

something2say · 09/10/2022 09:46

He likes you. Be patient and dont push it along. It's at the difficult stage where you're vulnerable and so is he.

Some people dont text well. Dont read into it.

Relax, do your Sunday thing, think it all over and let it breathe x my money says it's on, unless one of you fucks it up x

You lucky thing xx guy I like doesn't like me back, you enjoy this xx

Gooseberrypies · 09/10/2022 09:55

You could ask him, but honestly in my experience, (and my love life has been much less stressful since realising this), if you’re confused at all he’s not into you. He might find you perfectly pleasant or even want to sleep with you given the chance, but he’s not interesting in pursuing you for a relationship. If he was he would make it very clear. ‘Some people are bad texters’ is a load of crap. It’s not just about the speed of texts - obviously people may be busy and have jobs where they can’t have their phone on them 24/7 and sometimes not reply for a short while - but if he isn’t initiating conversations or at least trying to speak to you every day and find out how you are/how your day was, and trying to plan a time to see you again, he’s not into you. Sorry OP.

Dery · 09/10/2022 10:02

It sounds to me like he’s into you - 6 dates in a month and they all seem to have gone well as far as I can tell. In the early days, even when it’s going well, there’s very rarely complete certainty on where the relationship is going. And you said yourself you’re playing it cool.

Dery · 09/10/2022 10:04

As to texting - if you’re seeing each other quite frequently, which seems to be the case, does there need to be lots of texting in between?

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 09/10/2022 10:06

@Gooseberrypies he texts me every day throughout the day we have lots of contact but it’s just he doesn’t say anything to indicate he likes me, it’s more just how’s your day etc. but I’ve never told him I like him so that’s maybe why.

OP posts:
Halstead · 09/10/2022 10:09

You could ask him, but honestly in my experience, (and my love life has been much less stressful since realising this), if you’re confused at all he’s not into you.

This x 1000. I completely agree… I learned the same lesson too many years into my dating life and things became so much easier after I did.

Pineappleskies · 09/10/2022 10:10

He sounds manipulative to me. Sorry. If you feel he's a player then that feeling is coming from somewhere.

For a relationship to work you need a clear communicator and his "accidental" comments which he then retracts and games with the dreams are far from that. Continue to be wary and judge his ability to clearly, consistently and appropriately communicate his thoughts.

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 09/10/2022 10:11

@Halstead I think the confusion defintley on my part by over thinking, and I’ve not told him I like him

OP posts:
Notarealmum · 09/10/2022 10:17

I think you need to pay more attention to what he says to you in person (which sounds positive?) than how he communicates via text.

dashaa · 09/10/2022 10:18

Omg this is the carbon copy of my ex 😂

A narcissistic manipulator, with all this accidental (please) declarations of love (after a few weeks pleeeeease) and hooking you in with telling you how much he likes you. He’s not telling you what he likes about you either, no specific compliments about you just that he likes you and wants to keep you on a string. Most normal people feel suitably vulnerable when they start to like someone and don’t want to push it onto the other person. He’s a head worker - giving a massive over the top comment (I love you), retracting it and then putting you down (don’t get ahead of yourself).

In all my years of dating men, the ones I had a slight inkling of being a player, even when they really seemed to like me, were players.

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 09/10/2022 10:23

@dashaa I was with a narcissist for 10years and always thought I would be able to spot the signs. I’m hoping now but just have a few doubts

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 09/10/2022 10:25

summersunshine46 · 09/10/2022 10:11

@Halstead I think the confusion defintley on my part by over thinking, and I’ve not told him I like him

I think that rather than asking us about how he feels, which is a very hit and miss sort of approach (some of us will get it right, some wrong, and how will you know which is which? You won't until you're married or dumped) you should ask yourself how you feel. This isn't about him and his feelings. This is about you trying to find a relationship to suit you. A man might be really interested in you, and demonstrate that to you by constantly taking you out for expensive dinners and buying you flowers. This could be really lovely, but if you're on a strict calorie controlled diet, and have a flower allergy, it'll just repeatedly piss you off. His feelings and actions aren't the important thing, especially if he's not communicating to you exactly what's going on for him.

So, the question really is: how does this relationship make you feel? How does the way he treats you make you feel?

And you've told us: confused. You can't tell how he feels, and it's bothering you. Is that the template for your ideal relationship? Is that what you think a healthy relationship looks like?

dashaa · 09/10/2022 10:30

summersunshine46 · 09/10/2022 10:23

@dashaa I was with a narcissist for 10years and always thought I would be able to spot the signs. I’m hoping now but just have a few doubts

Its clear manipulation tactics OP. If you were with a narcissist, I’d think you’ve read about love bombing? (I mean he literally drop the L-bomb after 5 weeks as a mistake, come on)

dashaa · 09/10/2022 10:32

How old are both are you?

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 09/10/2022 10:35

@dashaa im 33 and he’s 35

OP posts:
DoingJustFine · 09/10/2022 10:39

I think it all sounds fine. I don't know how anyone could say he was an emotionally manipulative narcissistic love-bomber? 😂 He stays in touch, you've seen each other in person, on actual dates, a LOT. It's fine.

Just carry on as you are. It sounds like you're asking for permission to tell him how much you like him? I wouldn't. Carey on doing what you're doing - it's working.

dashaa · 09/10/2022 10:45

DoingJustFine · 09/10/2022 10:39

I think it all sounds fine. I don't know how anyone could say he was an emotionally manipulative narcissistic love-bomber? 😂 He stays in touch, you've seen each other in person, on actual dates, a LOT. It's fine.

Just carry on as you are. It sounds like you're asking for permission to tell him how much you like him? I wouldn't. Carey on doing what you're doing - it's working.

Because after a month and 6 dates, he’s already planted in her head that he loves her (a man in his 30s who accidentally says that? Ridiculous), is telling her to Google something which again creates an impression he has strong feelings (why not just carry on telling her he likes her? Why the cryptic shit?). His feelings are so full on that he reduced contact when he’s not with her. Doesn’t sound fine to me to be honest. She thinks he’s a player. I find that inkling is never usually wrong.

OP, why do you think that he’s a player?

Dery · 09/10/2022 10:47

@summersunshine46

Have been with DH for 20+ years and have never done OLD so maybe I’m just massively out of the loop but as I said above this sounds like it’s going well and I’m surprised that the bulk of responses suggest otherwise.

You’ve only been going out for a month but you’ve seen each other 6 times in that period and the dates seem to have gone well. Even in a relationship which evolves into a good LTR, it would be unlikely for everything to feel completely fixed and certain at this stage. And OP - you’ve said you’re playing it cool. There are no guarantees in life and this may peter out but I think there’s a risk here that you will sabotage what could be a good thing by fretting about it.

OldFan · 09/10/2022 10:52

Sounds like he likes you OP. His nerves on date 3 could be that some people see that as the date sex customarily begins (though it would seem early to me.) So maybe he thought you might be expecting sex, or that that's the pace he 'should' be working at.

Watchkeys · 09/10/2022 10:56

I think it all sounds fine

What about the fact that OP in confused, and anxious enough about it that she's posting to get the opinion of a bunch of strangers?

That's not fine, is it? The way she feels? Isn't that important enough to warrant inclusion?

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 09/10/2022 11:02

@Watchkeys Your post absolutley hits the mail on the head thank you. Yeah I think I need to concentrate on how I am feeling rather than him.

@OldFan we slept together after our first date, really not ideal and wish we waited.

OP posts:
Dyawannafeelhowitfeels · 09/10/2022 11:11

Why does it feel like he’s playing you? Have you got any reason to think that or are you just doubting him?

Smileeriley · 09/10/2022 11:16

It all sounds fine to me.

Maybe you're confused because you're playing I cool and he's holding back a bit. Perhaps he's confused as he's told you he likes, told you you're incredible and you've said nothing. Does this make you narcissistic.

The love thing, I'd just laugh it off to be honest.