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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Yesterday was so very very painful

39 replies

Angustiada · 09/10/2022 08:56

Quick background. Three years (almost exactly) when celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary, I discovered my STBXH had had affair number 3. His excuse was family life was boring, he needed excitement and loved the attention 🙄.
Fast forward 3 years, we have been officially separated 2.5 years, he's starved us out of our family home (he's self employed so CMS is a nightmare), he's been financially and emotionally abusive. He started out saying he wanted 50/50 with kids (now 11 and 7) but didn't even manage a week of that! He sees them one night a week and EOW. A year ago, he got a GF. She moved in after 2 months and last week she had their baby (and when he kicked me and kids out of our home, they of course moved in there).
Now, probably doesn't need pointing out that it's hurting a lot that the one thing I wanted (a family) he wouldn't give to me but has given to this new girl within minutes of knowing her. My youngest is also sooooo excited about the baby, keeps talking about it and said she has been told to call GF "mummy" when around the baby. To prove to her I'm ok with it (obvs I'm not) I took her shopping yesterday for baby gifts. F**k me was that hard, going back to the same shop I took her brother to 7 years ago for the same reason and seeing all these new mums and happy families broke me. Not really sure why I'm sharing. Just after a hand hold i guess and tips on surviving this new period of my life. They haven't even met the baby yet (I've had to have the kids this extra weekend) so god knows what it will be like when she's met him 😞

OP posts:

HairyFeline · 09/10/2022 09:03

That sounds like a really hard day, OP. Well done for putting in all that effort for your DD; hard but worth it. Praps today you can do something for you?

Original poster

Angustiada · 09/10/2022 09:35

Thank you @HairyFeline . Unfortunately today is filled with chores that I usually do when they're at their dads and sport matches. Haven't got a minute to spare for me. It is nice to get the extra time with them, even if it is being filled with baby talk!!

OP posts:

MonkeyPuddle · 09/10/2022 09:37

That sounds really hard for you OP. But what an example you are setting.

Billylilly · 09/10/2022 09:39

Oh, OP. It sounds very tough. Well done for putting on a brave face for your daughter. She’ll benefit so greatly long term for it. Take each day as it comes and it will slowly get better. I agree with the PP. Can you start scheduling in some fun things to do to look forward to?

BrightOrangeRectangles · 09/10/2022 09:41

I really don't think you should be allowing your DD calling another woman "mummy".

Hearthnhome · 09/10/2022 09:48

Op I just want to say you are amazing. You are setting and amazing example to your kids.

I am sorry it’s so tough and he turned out to be such a shit. But, the way you have put your kids first, is amazing. You will reap the reward of that in years to come.

My kids are 11 and 18. I did similar things. Sorted exhs birthday, for him a card for his first 2 engagements, Christmas cards etc so the kids had something to give him. I did it for the kids and people often thought I was insane. My 2 best friends absolutely supported me but others thought I was being a door mat.

Now, the oldest barely bothers with her dad and the youngest sees him occasionally. The 18 year old really seemed to see him for what he was and then realised everything I did for them. We are incredibly close.

I haven’t done anything as big as you did by buying those baby things and chatting to your kids. It’s a step above and beyond. And there wasn’t the heart break of cheating involved for me.

You need to remember how amazing you and how lucky your kids are to have you.

icedancerlenny · 09/10/2022 09:48

I could have written your post, even down to leaving at 10 years. My husband had multiple affairs, his Gf (now wife) moved into our family home the week we moved out. He didn’t manage a week of any schedule for our DD (6 at the time and now 14) and has never had her overnight and now sees her sporadically. Never paid maintenance despite being a multi millionaire. His new wife had a baby last month and it brought it all back, however I also know that now the abuse will start, if it hasn’t already. I offered to take Dd shopping for the baby, but she refused. It’s a horrible situation and I’m sorry you’re going through it too.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 09/10/2022 10:05

Focus on the fact that she will be the next one that he’s cheating on if he isn’t already.

Beautiful3 · 09/10/2022 10:11

You shouldn't allow her to call her mummy. She can call her by her name. You should tell her that.

purplerain13 · 09/10/2022 10:15

The novelty of new baby will wear off pretty quickly with your DD. She should not be calling her mummy, because she isn't her mummy. Very confusing to ask a child to do that! You don't have to buy the baby things. All you need to do is remain neutral.

Pineappleskies · 09/10/2022 10:15

Sorry but I don't think being a doormat and acting in ways contrary to your beliefs are a good example to your children at all.

Taking your husband's girlfriend baby shopping is bizarre and masochistic.

Put your foot down. Get your lawyer to sort this before the divorce goes through and a forensic accountant.

A good example for your children would be you taking control and responsibility and not allowing them to be financially deprived and emotionally manipulated.

AnApparitionQuipped · 09/10/2022 10:20

Now, probably doesn't need pointing out that it's hurting a lot that the one thing I wanted (a family) he wouldn't give to me but has given to this new girl within minutes of knowing her.

What do you mean by this, sorry?

Mamette · 09/10/2022 10:28

Taking your husband's girlfriend baby shopping is bizarre and masochistic

It’s the OP’s own DD she has taken shopping. The new baby’s half sister. Presumably for a gift for the new baby.

Hang in there OP. No doubt there will be lots of other “extra” weekends over the next year or so but just focus on yourself and your own DC.

twoandone · 09/10/2022 10:31

Taking your husband's girlfriend baby shopping is bizarre and masochistic.

She's not. She's taking her daughter shopping

DoingJustFine · 09/10/2022 10:33

@AnApparitionQuipped I was going to post the same thing!

OP, your ex-H did give you a family. He just didn't want to be a part of it himself, because he's a twat. I'm sure he'll give his new GF exactly the same.

I wouldn't have taken my daughter to buy baby clothes for her CMS-dodging father's new girlfriend. I mean, there's being civil and there's being obsequious. Ask yourself, what would the Queen have done in this situation? (And then maybe buy them a weekend away in Paris... 😜)

twoandone · 09/10/2022 10:33

Now, probably doesn't need pointing out that it's hurting a lot that the one thing I wanted (a family) he wouldn't give to me but has given to this new girl within minutes of knowing her.

He's married you, bought a house and had 2 children so you've had more of the 'family' than she has so far so I don't really understand what you mean.

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/10/2022 10:35

God I think you are incredible: what a lovely thing you have done for your DD. I do think though that she has one mummy and you are it... maybe saying in a firm but non confrontational manner that you aren't okay with that would be something to consider.

Schoolchoicesucks · 09/10/2022 10:37

Well done for putting your dc first and supporting their relationship with their sibling.

It's OK to keep some boundaries though. Your dc should not have to call his GF "mummy" around the baby. Confusing for your dc and not useful for the baby either. Please tell your dc they don't have to do that and tell your ex they won't be doing it.

greystarblanchard · 09/10/2022 10:40

You are a better person than many that’s for sure. Well done for handling it with such grace. Although, as for her calling the GF “mommy” I would knock that on the head asap.

shiningstar2 · 09/10/2022 10:43

It was lovely of you to go baby shopping with your youngest and must have been really hard for you. You are an amazing mum putting your child feelings before your own when you have been treat so badly by your ex. I would be putting a stop to your child calling this new partner 'mummy' though, whether around the baby or not. The baby needs to grow up knowing the true situation with blended families as do your own children. Also with your husband's relationship record, how long before he decides family life is 'boring' again and goes off seeking 'excitement'. Operate a damage limitation attitude to protect your DC from any future decisions which mean they are deeply attached to someone who might move out of their lives as swiftly as she came in. Also, you are the only person who is mummy in your children's lives. It is a precious name which your husband's new partner is not entitled to share. Best wishes to you as you come to terms with this situation. 💐

Hopefloats25 · 09/10/2022 10:46

Sorry you are going through this. It’s so painful but you know the new girlfriend will be in exactly the same situation as you were. He is not going to like being 2nd to a baby and as we know babies are so hard at the beginning. He will soon going to get fed up with that and end up cheating on her. Not a nice thing to say perhaps, but a very likely situation.

I think you just have to think yourself lucky to have got away from him.

Definitely think you should arrange to do some nice things for you.

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 10:48

that the one thing I wanted (a family) he wouldn't give to me but has given to this new girl within minutes of knowing her

What??!!!

He did give you a family too (you had kids together, right?) but he was also a serial cheat.

He's given her exactly what he gave you - children - but you have no idea of he'll be faithful to her either.

Also the fact that he's "given her a family" so quickly is not a plus or good thing, it's a v bad sign. Because it's too quick to have been well thought through, prepared for and to have a solid, time tested, long term established relationship in place before bringing a child into it.

It sounds like a train crash actually.

He hasn't changed, he's still a feckless, irresponsible, flaky, selfish mess.

Moving new partners in fast provds it, imprega ting new partners fast proves it, telling his kids to calk his new partner Mummy, which is unappropriate, proves it.

interstatelovesong · 09/10/2022 10:49

God what an absolute cunt your ex is .
I actually feel sorry for his gf as no doubt she and their dc will become "boring" too

You're an absolute Angel for not letting any of this on your kids. You're a stronger woman than me. what an amazing mum you are 💐💐💐

LemonDrop22 · 09/10/2022 10:52

he's starved us out of our family home (he's self employed so CMS is a nightmare)

I'm very confused ... Aren't you entitled to at least 50 per cent of any equity in that home??! You are married.

You were married for ten or so years.

When was the home bought?

Why isn't it being sold to get you your financial settlement?

Longdistance · 09/10/2022 10:53

He’ll be poking some other woman soon when he gets bored of this one.
As you were married a fair amount of time, have you staked your claim from the house and all assets yet? I’d get that divorce through.

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