Yesterday was so very very painful

[Angustiada]

Quick background. Three years (almost exactly) when celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary, I discovered my STBXH had had affair number 3. His excuse was family life was boring, he needed excitement and loved the attention 🙄.
Fast forward 3 years, we have been officially separated 2.5 years, he's starved us out of our family home (he's self employed so CMS is a nightmare), he's been financially and emotionally abusive. He started out saying he wanted 50/50 with kids (now 11 and 7) but didn't even manage a week of that! He sees them one night a week and EOW. A year ago, he got a GF. She moved in after 2 months and last week she had their baby (and when he kicked me and kids out of our home, they of course moved in there).
Now, probably doesn't need pointing out that it's hurting a lot that the one thing I wanted (a family) he wouldn't give to me but has given to this new girl within minutes of knowing her. My youngest is also sooooo excited about the baby, keeps talking about it and said she has been told to call GF "mummy" when around the baby. To prove to her I'm ok with it (obvs I'm not) I took her shopping yesterday for baby gifts. F**k me was that hard, going back to the same shop I took her brother to 7 years ago for the same reason and seeing all these new mums and happy families broke me. Not really sure why I'm sharing. Just after a hand hold i guess and tips on surviving this new period of my life. They haven't even met the baby yet (I've had to have the kids this extra weekend) so god knows what it will be like when she's met him 😞

They say a forensic accountant is needed to get CMS out of a self employed cm Dodger.

Worry seeing the cost and whether they could be paid out of your settlement for example.

You’ve done really well, OP, but please put your foot down about your DD calling this other woman mummy. That’s totally inappropriate. You’re her mother. The baby won’t notice or care what your DD calls the baby’s mum for many years to come and if it ever becomes a question it can be explained when the question is asked (which it won’t be for years if at all).

Anyway, let me summarise this;

Your stbxh is a serial cheat

He had avoided paying child maintenance for his kids, depriving them

In doing so he had ensured that you couldn't continue to live in the family home, and that his children had to leave their home (at least the vast majority of the time)

He takes his kids relatively little.

He moved his latest gf into the family home within 8 weeks, donhax introduced a new woman into their lives - full time, in they're home when they stay there, within weeks

He did nothing to prevent pregnancy with his latest gf and had introduced she's half sibling into your kids lives very quickly.

He's insisting his kids call his latest gf and now baby mama Mummy even though they have a Mum

So basically he's an all round c*nt, bastard, idiot and wanker.

But you're sad he's "given his latest gf a family" ..... A serial.cheat, child maintenance dodger who doesn't see much of his kids, who gets into relationships and parenthood far too quickly, who's irresponsible, selfish, had no morals etc

And she's in an even worse position than you were, because she's not even married to him. And hadn't even had a long term relationship with him.

She's stuck with him and his shitty behaviour now, baby or not. You have a fresh start now, a new chapter, hope life is much kinder to you and you meet someone you deserve.

She's had a baby within roughly a year of seeing him, is that right?

So pregnant within 3 months of starting to see him?

And moved in with him within.8 weeks.

Was she aware his wife and kids had to move out of the home she moved into because he didn't pay child maintenance?

What could go wrong for her with a man like this whose marriage also broke down because he's a serial cheater?

She's dumber than a sack of spanners and I doubt steps in for a nice time over the next months and years.

He is one Jeremy Kyle mess of an individual.

As you were married a fair amount of time, have you staked your claim from the house and all assets yet? I’d get that divorce through.

This.

You need a good divorce solicitor and forensic accountant.

Focus on that, not on being sad about him knocking up some incredibly silly woman whos moved in with and had a baby with a proven cheater, child maintenance avoider, and bad father within the blink of an eye

Whilst he is currently living with the girl friend and baby there is no way of knowing if he will stick around long term, or just revert to time and chest in her too. She may well be in the same position, with a cheating partner and a useful dad to the child, in a few short years.

There is NO WAY I'd be allowing my child to call the girlfriend 'mummy.' Not a chance would that happen. You have every right to stop that right now. Don't even entertain the idea.

Buying a gift from your child to their new sibling is lovely and I think it's nice that you have enabled your dd to do that.

You are setting your children a much better example by moving on, not staying with a cheating partner and making your own life independently from him. They will see that you don't have to accept a partner cheating on you.

You're so much better off without this man.
It's a matter of time before he gets bored again so I wouldn't be too envious of his current gf.
It's gracious of you to allow your children to be excited about their new sibling, even if it's painful for you. This baby is innocent of it's parents failings.

You're going to allow your daughter to call this woman mummy? That's ridiculous and confusing for your child, she's not her mum and could end up disappearing from her life at any point. Tell her no, she's not calling her mummy.

Why did you go back to the very shop you knew would trigger memories for you? Just order a fucking rattle from Amazon and have done with it. Or go to Asda or something.

You're dragging this out and hurting yourself and it sounds like you're not going to divorce and get the very best deal that you can. That would be the best way to protect and support your kids.

"A good example for your children would be you taking control and responsibility and not allowing them to be financially deprived and emotionally manipulated."

Correct. And no, it wasn't the girlfriend she took shopping but it was still bizarre and masochistic to go back to the same shop she went to do her own baby shopping. Every single supermarket sells baby stuff.

Now, probably doesn't need pointing out that it's hurting a lot that the one thing I wanted (a family) he wouldn't give to me but has given to this new girl within minutes of knowing her.

As everyone has pointed out, you (factually) had a family with him, so he did "give" that to you.

But I think what you really mean is the fantasy family image you had in your head, of a devoted husband and father, living happily ever after. He didn't give that to you. You're now imagining he's living that fantasy family life with her. But really he hasn't given that to her either. From the sounds of things, he's incapable of giving that to anyone. Grieve for what you wished you'd had. And then get really fucking angry that he's not paying a fair amount for your DC, get divorced and get your fair share.

Hi everyone. Thank you all so much for the advice and kind words. Sorry it's taken so long to reply - wasn't joking when I said life was busy!!!
I'll answer a few questions... Firstly no, my children will not be calling her mummy and I will stand my ground on this.
As for the divorce, unfortunately he is a very high earner and had endless funds to fight in mediation. It got to a point where I had so much debt from legal fees that my only choice was give him the house (I did get 55% equity) or go to court. Court would have cost more than the value of the equity. So I chose freedom and independence. At the time, I wasn't functioning very well, kids were being affected and so was work. The GP wanted to put me on anti anxiety meds to help. This was my call to give in and move on.
As for the questions about family, I meant they have this family I always dreamt of. He was pretty crap with me when kids were young, but I guess now he's older and wiser, she's getting the better version and he's committing to her and their family like he wouldn't for me. It hurts a lot, especially as I can never have that family I always dreamt of now, he's taken that one chance from me. I do also have a partner but we don't see each other much and I'd never live with him as I'm the resident parent and feel it's my job to always put my kids first

Oh forgot to say he does currently pay correct CM - this court ordered for 12 months. After that we shall see...