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Original poster

If you have young children, would you wait until they're in school to leave?

30 replies

SlitherySlitherin · 09/10/2022 08:28

Don't want to be with husband, dislike him as a person. He's an ok Dad. Children are 1 and 3. Saw a post the other day that said to someone 'wait until the kids are in school then leave'. I'm wondering what the benefit of this is, although I think she may have been a SAHM, as am I. I would find it extremely hard on my own with two young children and whilst he's not father of the year, he does give me some relief from them at times. Should I wait it out? I can do that, it's only a few more years and I don't want to be with anyone else.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 08:30

No, the younger the kids are when you go the better settlement you will get.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2022 08:36

No don't wait it out till either one or both are at school. Make the break sooner rather than later, at the very least seek some form of legal advice now. It could be that the longer you wait, the harder it may appear to leave.

Your children will pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken towards each other. Do not do this to yourself and them. If he is fundamentally a decent person you can continue to parent your kids amicably with him when you are apart.

Mindymomo · 09/10/2022 08:38

Too many things to think about, don’t think age of children should matter.
Is he violent, mentally or physically abusive, I’d leave now.
If you have another place to go to and have sufficient means to leave, consider going soon.
If you don’t like him anymore is there anything that can be done to change this.

SpinningFloppa · 09/10/2022 08:38

No, what reason did they give? Tbh people say odd things on here sometimes I’m guessing that was one person rather than loads

mindutopia · 09/10/2022 08:40

Definitely not. Honestly, I think things get tougher when they’re school age. School days are shorter than nursery, it’s harder to balance school holidays. I’m not looking to split from Dh, but definitely from a childcare perspective, it was easier before they got to school.

neighboursmustliveon · 09/10/2022 08:40

Your children will find it easier the younger they are as that will be what they remember and know.

RhubarbFairy · 09/10/2022 08:56

As the child of divorced parents where one wanted to stay together 'for the kids', dont do it! They will pick up on the tension anyway.

At 1 and 3, they won't remember any different as they get older. They'll adapt quickly at this age and it'll just be their norm.

OneForTheRoadThen · 09/10/2022 08:59

No don't wait. Mine were 3 and 5 when my ex left and the 3 year old doesn't even remember him living with us. The 5 year old does and it's affected him much more.

Fireflygal · 09/10/2022 09:00

If you don’t like him anymore is there anything that can be done to change this

How long have you been together? Are your feelings recent? You have very young children and those early years are extremely hard work, often without much fun.

AuntieStella · 09/10/2022 09:03

No, once you're sure you need to go, then go.

There will always be some sort of excuse to put it off for a year or two. And with the exception of the immediate run up to GCSE or A level, that's what they are - just excuses.

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 09/10/2022 09:05

I have 3 children 5 and under. I'd say they've all handled STBEXH leaving very well but only time will tell really. I'm glad it's happened now before any get much older

Original poster
SlitherySlitherin · 09/10/2022 09:05

Fireflygal · 09/10/2022 09:00

If you don’t like him anymore is there anything that can be done to change this

How long have you been together? Are your feelings recent? You have very young children and those early years are extremely hard work, often without much fun.

Thanks both for considering this. Tbh right now if you took him out of the equation I still wouldn't be happy as I don't enjoy being a SAHM, I'm permanently exhausted and I'm doing nothing for myself. So I do wonder if when they're older and I start to have more time for myself I won't actually find the marriage as being as bad as I do now? That being said, I really dislike the way he communicates, his lack of empathy, his dishonesty, just overall very emotionally immature. Have tried counselling, but I now realise he is who he is and won't change. But I do think I could probably tolerate it more when I'm more fulfilled, as that was the case pre children. I wasn't so affected. Ending the marriage might be better for me, but won't be better for the children

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 09/10/2022 09:05

The younger the kids are the better ime. It becomes their normal as they are so young. I didn't read the other thread but is it about childcare being cheaper for over 3s?

Devo1818 · 09/10/2022 09:05

Absolutely not - the younger the better.

Singleandproud · 09/10/2022 09:05

Leave the sooner the better, start getting your ducks in a row, get a job, start looking for a place to move into.

Even if your husband is a reasonable man it takes a few years for coparenting routines and the emotions of being split up to settle. The sooner the three of you live on your own the quicker the children get used to it and the faster you find your flow.

Having the big transition of starting school AND moving house AND parents splitting up is alot.

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 09/10/2022 09:07

@SlitherySlitherin

To be honest my STBEXH is like this. I would have stuck it out for the kids as I do believe a 2 parent family is still better and I know that thing will get easier when the youngest are older - a year or 2 at most but he wouldn't consider it.

Couldn't you go back to work? If it's the STAHM part surely that's easily remedied?

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 09/10/2022 09:12

Rather than going straight from being a SAHM to divorce could you get them into childcare and get a job. 2 reasons for this

  1. you will find life easier if you do separate as you already have your own fiances and structure in place.

  2. you won’t feel so trapped with the children, as you said you don’t think you would be happy even if he wasn’t in the picture.

If you are worried that the children are better off at home than in childcare, then remember they are better off with a happy mum. You can’t pour from an empty cup and put your own oxgyen mask on first etc….

Nothing magic happens at school age, you will find as many arguments for waiting until secondary, until after the GCSEs, when they go to uni, when they are financially independent. If you are unhappy now is the time to do something.

Darbs76 · 09/10/2022 09:15

I see no benefit to this unless this person meant she would be getting a job when they start school. It will make it harder to leave if you’re not working. If you’re planning on being a SAHM until your kids start school and there’s no abuse going on, then stay. I personally would get a job and go. The younger the kids the easier the split is on them

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2022 09:27

"That being said, I really dislike the way he communicates, his lack of empathy, his dishonesty, just overall very emotionally immature. Have tried counselling, but I now realise he is who he is and won't change. But I do think I could probably tolerate it more when I'm more fulfilled, as that was the case pre children. I wasn't so affected. Ending the marriage might be better for me, but won't be better for the children"

Why would it not be better for the children?. Staying for what is really the sake of the children, well whose sake would you be staying for because it could be argued it is not theirs. You could end up working full time and just be as unfulfilled and or even more tired than you are now, perhaps even more so.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and why would staying in such a marriage benefit them at all?. The short answer is that it will not. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships as well.

Original poster
SlitherySlitherin · 09/10/2022 09:54

@AttilaTheMeerkat You've raised some good points but I don't think it's the reality of life after divorce. It's not as if I'll just get to raise my children on my own exactly how I want with only my values and beliefs and subject them to only healthy environments and experiences.

Daily you see threads about issues regarding blended families and there are a whole host of problems that come with those situations. Two incomes can provide a better life in some ways than one. Studies have shown that poor outcomes for children of single parents is often due to lack of money.

You can't just end a marriage that involves children because you're unhappy, especially when I've even said I wouldn't be happy on my own right now.

I appreciate your perspective and in an ideal world that is how things would happen. In the real world, divorce can often be extremely messy and the aftermath can have real ramifications. And I now realise in posting this that I should do everything I can to ensure I'm as happy as I can be myself before contemplating divorce, as I don't believe I'd be any happier if divorced right now either.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2022 10:32

You raise some interesting questions and if nothing else I am hoping that I am making you think here.

It is the adversarial and or contentious process of divorce, if continued, that may wreak damage, not the process in itself. Divorce does not have to be harmful to children. We all deserve to feel happy and be loved.

But your not just unhappy just because you can be or just for the sake of it. You are unhappy because of your H’s lack of empathy, his dishonesty, the way he communicates, his emotional immaturity. All of this and more besides from him will wear you down even more if you choose to remain with him because your kids will pick up on all this and even worse could blame their own selves for their parents marital problems. Would you want your kids as adults to have a relationship like this, no you would not. And it’s not good enough for you either.

I would also think your kids would rather live in harmony with just you than with say a huge garden and their own bedrooms with an en suite. Houses with bad atmospheres and underlying tensions can become akin to war zones. Material things are very nice but do not make up for the fact that their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

Did your own parents show you a similar role model of a relationship?.

Do not be afraid to move on with your own life and taking your own responsibility for happiness.

Isthisexpected · 09/10/2022 10:43

I'd say if you enjoyed being at home then stick it out to be with the kids. Based on what you have said I wonder if the marriage is only a small part of the issue and you need to work on you first.

GlowingBear · 09/10/2022 10:59

It’s a quest I’m grappling with myself atm OP. I’m not in the UK and DH would likely get 50/50 which kills me when my child is so little (hes 4 but children start school at 5 here).

I think working on your own happiness first is a good idea but I would make sure you actively do it and put a timeframe on it.

I am a bit stuck as I need to stay with DH until my boy goes to school as the plan has always been to move into a better school zone in the next year - I am much more motivated than this than DH who thinks all schools are the same 🙅‍♀️ . If we split now DH will undoubtedly insist on staying where we are. I think giving yourself some time to work through the practical an emotional details )like my example) is a good idea then put your plan into action

ThatsGoingToHurt · 09/10/2022 11:05

I would use this time to get your ducks in a row so to speak.

Im a WOHM earning a decent wage but even if I didn’t have to give DH any of the equity there would be way I could have afforded two set of childcare fees, plus the mortgage, plus food and bills.

Nursery bills are now down to £700 per month. When DC2 is at school that will drop to £3 per day for breakfast club plus occasional afterschool club (£9) if have a late meeting instead of £60 per day. I would also have to pay for some holiday club but this is £30 per day.

Since you are a SAHM I would use this time a) pay off any debt you have, b) think about what you want to do career wise, could you go back to what you did pre-DC c) gain qualifications if needed d) save up an emergency fund and e) look for work even if it is very very part time.

jsku · 09/10/2022 12:11

@SlitherySlitherin
I am divorced, with two And was struggling with the same question as you are right now. And here is what I think if it, looking from the other side, so to speak.

Yes - younger children get through divorce easier - they don’t remember time before.
However - practicalities and financials matter.

So - you are quite sensible in weighing it all up - not just your current unhappiness.

Before my divorce, a good friend of my was going through hers, and I remember her saying - the right time to start it all is when the bad in the relationship outweighs the good. Whatever it all is, taking into account everything, not just feelings.

Divorce doesn’t magically make everything OK and you don’t become happier automatically. (Obviously - we are not talking about situations of abuse, etc)
Divorce solves some problems, but does create other.
So - in the situation where you are already overwhelmed by childcare, and aren’t happy in your own way - I’d wait. Not necessarily because of kids - but more to figure out what you really want from life.
You may be depressed; you may find child rearing difficult; you may need to try to get back to working and seeing adults, etc. Not all of how you feel may be related to your H.
I’d wait - but also spend the time on preparing.