If you have young children, would you wait until they're in school to leave?

[SlitherySlitherin]

Don't want to be with husband, dislike him as a person. He's an ok Dad. Children are 1 and 3. Saw a post the other day that said to someone 'wait until the kids are in school then leave'. I'm wondering what the benefit of this is, although I think she may have been a SAHM, as am I. I would find it extremely hard on my own with two young children and whilst he's not father of the year, he does give me some relief from them at times. Should I wait it out? I can do that, it's only a few more years and I don't want to be with anyone else.

Only you can make that decision based on how unhappy you are and how bad things are at home.

Leaving isn’t always easy but sometimes it needs to be done. I wouldn’t just randomly leave one day, make a plan and have things in place for you and your kids so you have somewhere safe and warm to go.

What you're basically saying is that right now the marriage is completely shit but if you stick it out there is a small chance it might improve to just being generally shit. Is that all you aspire to for yourself? A not completely shit marriage?

You know you are never going to be happy and if you're not happy the chances of your children being happy are pretty slim too. Do what you know you need to do. Procrastinating won't make things better.

From experience - the younger the children are, the better. Two happy, separated parents are far better parents than ones who only tolerate each other. It's not a great model for the children.

Keep them away from arguments, recriminations etc and make sure they feel safe and loved and it shouldn't affect them at all. They don't need to be involved and won't really notice, especially if he's an ok dad. If you split, he will have them for some time each week (I would hope!) which will give you a break to rebuild yourself. You've had counselling, you realise you don't actually like him, that is likely to get worse as time goes on. You might become bitter and that would be terrible for the children to witness. He's their dad and they will always love him regardless of what you think. My own children don't like it if I ever say one teeny thing against theirs, and I understand that.

I'd also say get as much financial information as you can before you tell him you'd like to split. Perhaps start back at work so you can generate some income and it'll make you feel more independent. I knew very little about our finances when my exH started his affair, and was too blindsided with shock and grief to think about it. He totally shafted me financially. What you need is to establish security for you and your children beforehand. That will all be easier if you aren't bitter and trodden down by a long and loveless marriage.

I'm a few years ahead of you and have finally ripped the plaster off and started the split.

I could not possibly have split when my dc were as small as yours. I found the baby years so hard, I'd have put up with almost anything just to have someone to tag team with. Now I'm through the lack of sleep and the dc are in school I'm able to face the divorce, starting over etc. It's actually quite exciting, and the prospect of never having to sleep with H again makes me want to dance.

You do what's right for you, but get back to work, get yourself together a bit, and everything will be much easier, whether you stay or go 💐

No go if you need to as the younger the children the less of an impact it has on family life. However, I would make sure in your own mind that you really want this and are not just going through a rough patch.