Very unhappy dad

[unhappy83]

Hi there. I'm a 39 year old married dad with 2 kids, wanting some advice from any mums out there.
I work a 5 day week in London and try to help out at home as much as I can. My efforts to help clean the house are typically met with accusations of me bring lazy or 'never finishing anything properly'. She typically moans 5 or so times a day.
Example would be last Friday when I bought a nice supper in after she had a busy week. I also did her ironing and made a start on cleaning the house. She wouldn't eat the food because she said it was too late when she got back, then had a rant at me for not mopping the floors or doing any other cleaning. Last night I cleaned one of the bathrooms but she had a go because I had missed cleaning the bottom of the sink unit pedestal. She must have had a close look because it looked clean! The other night I finished a load of the ironing at about mid night, and left it on the kitchen table as I didn't want to wake the household by putting it away. The next morning she went ballistic because I hadn't put it away. I am starting to become very depressed and unhappy. Am I being over sensitive? I darent argue back or shout back because she then says I am Over reacting. I really don't know what to do. Is her behaviour normal??

I think you need to sit down and talk to her. You try and try and only met with hostility. What is the root cause of this? What can you both do as a couple to get over this hurdle? If you leave it it won't get any better. She is clearly unhappy and taking it out on your cleaning abilities. Maybe you have both lost that dating sparkiness, maybe think of having a date night or little gifts or little acts of affection. This will only work if you both discuss it's missing and agree to work on it.

It sounds like you need a calm sit down and properly go through the household jobs, this would include the child focused ones (drop off and pick ups, health appointments), life administration (insurance renewal etc), as well as cleaning, house maintenance, laundry, cooking and shopping.

Write it all out, and see which ones you can outsource (takeaways, cleaner, online shop).

Then which ones each would actually prefer to do.

The ones neither of you want to do, make a extra effort to pay someone else to do it, or eliminate it I.e. if you don't clean the skirting boards for two years, will anyone truly suffer?

With young kids, there is a crunch point where you can no longer keep up with what you want to get done, with the energy and time you have to do it.

If you work away for 5 days a week, it sounds like you coming home is disruptive to the dynamic - have you both talked about whether this is working for all of you still?

Does she work full time ?

Well she’d piss me off with her micromanaging and carping. There would be words.

What stood out to me from your post is that you say you "try to help out".

When you phrase it like that, the implication is that the housework etc is her job, and by doing a bit here and there you're somehow doing her a favour. That she should be grateful.

It's not her job, you're not doing her a favour. It is both of your responsibilities and it sounds like she's incredibly frustrated by you doing less than your fair share and calling it "helping".

In the time honoured way , can you imagine the response if this was a man criticising his wife's cleaning? The response would be ltb.. What does she do around the house? Are chores split equally? Has she always been like this?

Must agree that ‘try to help out’ IS quite revealing. It’s not helping…you’re not doing a favour or going beyond. It’s just doing what needs isn’t it? Having said that I cba to have my spouse inspect my work and offer a critique.

Her reaction to your housework I think is upsetting. I'd never go over my OH's cleaning and pick at it.

Bringing home food late in the evening is not always helpful. My OH does this sometimes ans refuses to eat at 6 or 7, then buggers off out till 10 and presents me with dinner when I've eaten hours ago. I wouldn't eat it, but I wouldn't be rude about it

You need to talk to her, her behaviour is completely unacceptable and abusive.

if she doesn’t accept it or change you need outside help, therapy or an unbiased party of sorts, you don’t need to put up with it. Perhaps she has frustrations which are coming out this way but her reaction is no way acceptable.

@MolliciousIntent seriously?? If this was a woman you’d be banging on about leaving the bastard and yet you pick on the stupid comment when he’s clearly with someone who is abusive? I feel bad for your partner.

She moans because she's carrying the mental load that you can't see.
Don't make this about you - that's bloody annoying. Don't make your unhappiness her problem.
Instead, tell her you can see that she's frustrated and you want to make sure that the two of you are doing what you can to share the burden of paid work and family related work. Go through a two week period. Ask her to write down all the things that need "thinking about" or organising as well as practical things like washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping etc.
i think when it's all written down you'll see why she's moaning. She doesn't mean to be a nag but she's likely struggling.
If she works PT or doesn't work, she's probably extremely envious of all the hours you get to spend outside the house focused on something else entirely. Of course you work is stressful and tiring too - but from her perspective on the outside it probably looks like a massive fucking relief from being in the house surrounded by tasks, drowning in laundry and wondering what the hell to make for dinner for the kids again.
I hope this helps. I totally see your point of view, and you're not in the wrong - I just hope this exercise will help you empathise with her too. She's not become boring, she's exhausted.

"With young kids, there is a crunch point where you can no longer keep up with what you want to get done, with the energy and time you have to do it. "

Wow, this point from a PP really resonated.

I'm right here now. I'm just holding on to the fact that it will eventually get better. I hope.

It’s obvious that this is not normal.

Dies she work full time?
What are her commitments outside of the house? (elderly parents etc)
What are your childcare arrangements?

You need to split the chores accordingly.
Work out how much time each of you has outside of other commitments (work, childcare etc) and decide who will do what and when.
If it’s simply that she is criticising the standard of your ‘work’ then you need to confront the nit-picking.

Is there something else going on?
Is she resentful, lonely, depressed?
or, is she just being spiteful?

It does sound like she's being picky and snappy but more context is probably needed. Does she work? Are the kids at school? Do you have date nights etc?

From my experience-
I work 4 days atm at home, then on the Friday is the day I have to clean the entire house. On a Friday I'm so grumpy and by the end of the day feel so undervalued and unappreciated. Its a never ending task. Then people get home and throw there things anywhere, general be untidy and the proces starts again. I could clean 9-3 and still there's more to do. Makes me feel like a skiv! I now hate Fridays. So all week long I'm running the kids to clubs, working, day to day stuff and husband swans in and announces he's going away again and forgot about parents evening, which I booked and put in the calender. The mental load is enormous and feelings of guilt whatever we do. So most days im doing 6am - 8pm with kids including clubs and homework and then tidying up the dinner, leaving very little me time, this makes everything so much worse! Would be nice if he bought home a bottle of wine, made us a dinner and really invested in spending time with me! I wonder if your wife feels similar....

I think the point about ‘mental load’ is very important.
I’ve had 20 years carrying the mental load.
DH does chores but he has to be asked to do them. I am the one who has done the thinking re. Children and home ^as well as working*.

’Helping out’ isn’t your job! Your job is to take on some of the mental load!
Having said that, if you are the only person working outside the house you are taking on a mental load of your own - the responsibility of earning money to support the whole family is huge and should definitely be taken into consideration.

Tell her how bad the constant criticism makes you feel. If you both work split the chores 50/50. (If she doesn't work I would expect you to do less chores.)

Fair play is a great book about splitting household responsibilities. But two things stand out:

1. Her ironing? Is it just her clothes or do you class it as her job?

1. 'Helping out'. That makes it sound like a favour or an extra. You're a part of the partnership, helping out isn't really what it's about. It's a bit like when we get pissed off about dads saying that they babysat their own kids. It's not some lovely extra to treat their partner to some down time - it should be a core, shared parenting duty.

She sounds pissed off, overtired and frankly so fucked off that when you do 'help out' she is already riled and so goes straight to fault spotting.

This isn't going to be solved by doing a load of laundry or putting clothes away, it's going to be solved by sitting down with a pad and pen and listing, honestly, what each of you currently does and how each of you feel about it.

Good luck taking on some of the mental load - it's a game changer!

“But two things stand out:

1. Her ironing? Is it just her clothes or do you class it as her job?

1. 'Helping out'. That makes it sound like a favour or an extra. You're a part of the partnership, helping out isn't really what it's about. It's a bit like when we get pissed off about dads saying that they babysat their own kids. It's not some lovely extra to treat their partner to some down time - it should be a core, shared parenting duty.

She sounds pissed off, overtired and frankly so fucked off that when you do 'help out' she is already riled and so goes straight to fault spotting.

This isn't going to be solved by doing a load of laundry or putting clothes away, it's going to be solved by sitting down with a pad and pen and listing, honestly, what each of you currently does and how each of you feel about it.”

This. Also you’ve somewhat glossed over it but you mention that you work away during the week. Your job may be very demanding but that means you get a huge amount of downtime from family life while she has no option but to do all the parenting. During the week, every week, she parents solo. That’s a huge burden. How long has that been the case? When you became parents, did she know that’s what she was signing up to? Is there no way you can get a job which doesn’t involve being away all week?

@Dery as someone whose partner works away a lot I can 'this' this so hard!!!

@greektreacle - I’ve never been in this position myself but have seen it in other families and just how relentless it is for the parent who is at home.

This thread has got me thinking…
Bringing up children can be exhausting.
Parents do the thinking, organising, chores & provide money, food and a home for everyone…

I spent a good number of years pissed off with my DH because he just left a lot of the organising and work load to me.

He has changed over the years because I just stopped doing stuff when the children were teenagers - they were more independent and not always around.
DH now sees that things don’t ‘just get done’ and does stuff without prompting - shopping, cooking, vacuuming…

I think I’m partly to blame in the past because I felt I needed to control our hectic life.
I thought of what needed to be done first because I was like a mother hen… clucking around, making sure everyone was ok and had everything they needed.

DH often said I made him feel useless. I did everything ‘better’ than him and when he did do stuff he was following my instructions rather than being allowed to be autonomous.

A balance needs to be achieved and it’s a matter of trial and error…
27 years later and I think we’re getting there! 🤣

We both work full time and have had these issues in the past.

You need to sit down with her and work out a fair distribution of tasks. Then, you each need to get on with them as agreed without being slack or one micromanaging the other.

If she feels you don't clean the bathroom well enough, then she should do that and you should take on another equally shit task to equal it out.

We do this -
I do the bathrooms and do all of the washing (wash dry fold put away) daily.

He does the bins and recycling, all of the shopping and cooks evening meals and cleans the kitchen daily.

We change the beds, tidy, dust and vacuum together at the weekend - this sounds boring but it is important time spent feeling like we're working together equally to keep the house running.

As for "mental load" stuff - I sort childcare (after school care) and he organises swimming lessons and other activities. We pay proportionally into a joint account which is where all bills are paid from.

I firmly believe that of you want a truly shard load you can't approach it haphazardly, you need to agree and plan tasks.

You also said 'her ironing' hoping you didn't mean it's 'her' job ? Some of your message has come across this way. Doubt the ironing was just her things?......surely the ironing is the ironing not separated into piles of whos who ?

You've done "her" ironing, have you? And you've "helped out"? Oh, okay. Be honest, did you do it on your own initiative, or did she have to remind you that things needed doing? Look around you- are there piles of laundry, dishes that need cleaning, toys all over the floor that you are ignoring?

So what housework would you do if you were on your own and working in London 5 days a week? That's right, you'd keep your house clean on your own. You'd look after your own ironing and cooking.

Because as a fully-grown adult living in a house, that is your responsibility.

She is your partner, not your mum and not your housekeeper. She sounds overwhelmed.

Looking after children is a mentally-draining and exhausting job. Sometimes it can be downright depressing and not particularly mentally stimulating.

You two need to have a chat. Send the kids to grandparents so you can be on your own. Talk about how she's feeling about the housework and childcare and make a big list of all the things that need to get done in a week. Ask her whether she needs to get herself a job outside of the home to feel more fulfilled and less stuck in menial work.

If you can afford it, employ a cleaner. Get a dishwasher. Pay for afterschool childcare.

Agree what you will do and do it automatically without asking and do it thoroughly. Don't give things a quick wipe down with a dirty rag and think that'll do it. Maybe ask your other half how she does it, so you know how to do it properly. See things that need to get done and do them- if you see some clean laundry, fold it and out it away. If you see dirty cups lying around take them to the sink to get washed. If you see dirty things in the sink, clean them.

Nicely turned against the OP there ladies. Obviously she will be beyond reproach for her own shortcomings. Perhaps speaking to her husband like crap when he does try to lighten the mental load isn't the best way to get his full cooperation.

Not everyone @LuckyLil
Not sure what people expect re. ‘her’ ironing.
If I iron my DH’s stuff I want thanking!
I did a lot of the DC’s clothes but if I do DH’s it’s a favour!