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Original poster

Would you be okay with this lie?!

46 replies

RoseRoseShop · 09/10/2022 07:19

Recently my friend told me that he has feelings for me. I do like him alot but it's a bit complicated so not sure what I'm doing and that's for another thread.

I've known friend for a couple of years and he lives far - 3.5-4 hr car journey away. We have always texted / chatted on the phone with the occasional meet up.

However, the last 8m he has been working on a new long term project with a client who is based in the city near me. This is around 25mins away.

Due to this he has been staying over every Friday / Saturday night at a hotel to meet with the client.

As he is now so close, I have naturally asked him to come over Friday or Saturday. We just hang out. My weekends are pretty busy ferrying kids to clubs, catching up on cleaning, shopping, chores, ironing, homework and general family stuff so nothing exciting really..

When he's here he helps out a lot with everything - cooking, shopping, helping with the kids, cleaning - just everything. I obviously tell him not to do so much but he insists. Me and the kids love his company.

Anyway after a few days of telling me how he felt he revealed that he had lied about the client. There was no project with a client in the city. He had made it up as a way of having an "excuse" to be near and so he could see me more often.

I don't really know what to think of it tbh. I feel manipulated and upset that I've been lied to for 8m. He is extremely sorry about it and absolutely regrets it. He's not the type to lie, he's a really good guy which makes this all the more confusing.

Would you be okay with this? Am I overreacting? Or is this a massive red flag! I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 07:21

I think you were wrong to encourage him, knowing he had feelings for you. And he was wrong to lie.
I think you should end it.

romdowa · 09/10/2022 07:23

🚩🚩🚩🚩 massive red flag! What an absolutely bonkers thing to do. Its very stalker-ish and just reading it has given me the creeps

lannistunut · 09/10/2022 07:24

I wouldn't be ok with this, really.

Why are you encouraging him if it is 'complicated'?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/10/2022 07:24

8 months!
The fact that he kept that up for so long would massively bother me.

Bloody hell

Original poster
RoseRoseShop · 09/10/2022 07:25

KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 07:21

I think you were wrong to encourage him, knowing he had feelings for you. And he was wrong to lie.
I think you should end it.

I didn't encourage anything as I didn't know he had feelings for me. He has only told me a couple of weeks ago how he felt.

OP posts:
Gsds · 09/10/2022 07:26

Have you seen YOU on Netflix ? I’d cut him off and not look back if I were you

Original poster
RoseRoseShop · 09/10/2022 07:27

Gsds · 09/10/2022 07:26

Have you seen YOU on Netflix ? I’d cut him off and not look back if I were you

No! What on earth is that! Its scary isn't it!

OP posts:
AlexandraJJ · 09/10/2022 07:28

I’d be ok with it (if I really liked him) although I’d be shocked. I think it’s massively romantic that he put himself out for so long on the off chance you might feel the same and it also proves the distance isn’t that much of an issue for him. I don’t know many other men that would do this, spending the time and the money to be close to someone they aren’t with officially.

ElectedOnThursday · 09/10/2022 07:31

You haven’t done anything wrong here so I don’t understand the posters apportioning blame to you.

It is a bonkers thing that he has done. He must REALLY like you. How you feel about it is entirely your call. If you feel like you know him to be a very good person and an accept his apology then maybe everything will be ok. But it may be that you no longer feel comfortable around him because you feel manipulated. Only you can decide this.

Maybe take some time apart to see how you feel in a week or two?

I think I would be quite shaken by this 😞

Anniegetyourgun · 09/10/2022 07:44

That sort of thing usually works out well in the movies (non horror type). But this isn't a rom-com, this is real life. He's gone out of his way to make himself agreeable, aiming at indispensable, despite your protests (pushiness is a red flag in my book). You have seen the very best of him. But now you know he can be dishonest as well. For 8 months! What else is he capable of lying about?! "Only because I love you so much" doesn't wash. That is used as an excuse for more sinister behaviour as well...

Personally I'd run like the wind. But I haven't met the guy and you must know him - well, not as well as you thought you did, but certainly more than I do.

T00ManyBooks · 09/10/2022 07:49

Nope!! That is extremely unsettling. I wouldn’t ever be able to trust him.
I had a friend who arranged after work drinks that turned out was just the two of us (days before WhatsApp groups etc). I felt so uncomfortable once I realised what he had done. It ended up with him not letting me leave.

RewildingAmbridge · 09/10/2022 07:53

I think if he'd done it once or twice I could get past it, eg if there really was a client but a couple of times they cancelled and he'd come to see you anyway because he enjoyed spending time with you. I'd even get why he didn't say as much because you hadn't discussed feelings, were friends etc and it can be difficult to know when/if he should cross that line.
However he did it every week for eight months, how many lies about work has he told you in that time? It's a bit much. Is he remorseful or does he see it as a grand gesture? What's his character lounge is he generally shy or a bit awkward socially?
Trying to figure out of this was a huge faux pas that just got out of hand or a contrived manipulation

Doingmybest12 · 09/10/2022 07:59

I find it worrying that he has gone to these lengths to get involved with you and your children's lives . How did you meet him, what are the complications. Yes it does feel like manipulation . I would worry he is working to get close to the children but that might be my nasty suspicious mind.

Bedazzled22 · 09/10/2022 08:08

I think its very unsettling and slightly weird to have done this for 8 months! Also insisting on doing stuff for you sounds too forceful…

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 09/10/2022 08:08

Okay so for 8 months this guy has done his working week then has drove 4h to come and stay with you for 2 days (not even for the most romantic weekends because he's been just living with you and your kids doing normal things), then drove 4h back and done this for so long.

Why would he make up the lie?... do you think he has a partner back home and you are the OW?
Or Could it be that if he'd suggested coming up every weekend before you'd have said no because of all the travel time and the fuel costs etc.

Either way I should say he's fallen (maybe deeply) for you by now and you probably have strong feelings too. Only you know how you feel and can make the decision to carry on seeing him etc.

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 09/10/2022 08:09

Has he shown any other red flags at all? Is he creepy in anyway? Overly close with your kids? Also Is he offering you any money when he's been staying, eating your food etc?

Original poster
RoseRoseShop · 09/10/2022 08:13

Okay to clear things up.

He absolutely does not see it as a grand romantic gesture. He actually did have a meeting in the city for a couple of weeks and he'd pre-booked hotel for 4 fridays but turned out he didn't need to see client again but left the bookings. That's how it bloody started. He massively regrets it and so wanted to tell me but he just kept putting it off!

Also during the summer Aug / Sept he didn't come over as I went away with family for a couple of weeks and I told him that I wanted to spend quality time on my own with kids as school time I'm so busy so we agreed a couple of months break.

Also he has never ever suggested himself to come over or expects it. And it didn't start off him coming over just for a couple of hours with no kids around before he spent lots of time with us. It was very gradual. There's been weeks where I've forgotten to tell him that I had something on over the weekend and so he's had a "wasted" journey.

OP posts:
PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 09/10/2022 08:16

I would be confused too. It's romantic in some ways and at least he has told you the truth. He could have kept it to himself forever and without this lie, you guys would never have got together but....only you know him. If it gives you even the 1% ick you have to dump him. I would be as confused as you are but sometimes it takes these sort of things to get a relationship going and I'm sure there are many old married couples that have this sort of thing as a story of the beginning of their relationship.

Slavetotherhythm · 09/10/2022 08:24

You say he did have a meeting in the city for a couple of weeks and pre-booked hotel for 4 fridays but turned out he didn't need to see client again but left the bookings. I think that’s ok. You reinforced his feelings when he stayed with you - it sounds like you like him a lot - and you say he’s a good guy and not a lying type otherwise.

I would feel uncomfortable about his involvement in my household & with my kids. Can you meet half way & as dates (if you like him). If not, keep him in friend zone & be careful he’s not taking advantage of you.

Tbh if you feel confused it’s not a good sign. If he is attracted to you I think there would be no confusion about it!

SpringRainbow · 09/10/2022 08:25

I think in a situation like this you really have to just go with your gut feeling.

None of us know this guy like you do.

GroggyLegs · 09/10/2022 08:34

Why has he told you? Because he felt bad, or because he got caught in a lie?

'Unsettling' has been used a lot, and it really is.

Original poster
RoseRoseShop · 09/10/2022 08:35

The complicated stuff is me I guess. He's younger and has no kids so that's a worry for me. He is also from a different religion / not the same ethnicity as me. So there's some things we would really need to work out before we got together.

He hasn't shown any other red flags that I can see. He's really lovely. He's kind, generous, considerate, funny, confident, and respectful and I probably have fallen for him. Im usually the type of person who doesn't let myself be led by my heart which is why I am being super cautious.

Mumsnet knows him and judges him by this crazy lie. Yeah on its own I think it sounds fucking psycho but if you know him it's anything but.

I guess I just needed some perspective from others as I was like omg what do I do with this?

OP posts:
J0y · 09/10/2022 08:39

Wow. That is a tricky one. He wanted to create an opportunity to win you over.

What is the complication precisely?

I sense that it's not just the lie? You're not together even though he's really keen.
Is the complication that you do not want to be with him.

I think that will be disappointing for him but if he's angry with you that's his fault. You did not knwo that he was only inventing the reason to be near you.

Hillrunning · 09/10/2022 08:39

I can understand your confusion, this would really throw me. 8 months of driving, missing out on his own weekends and presumably paying for a hotel? Christ, it is all a bit much.

Has he been actively telling you lies too? As in, giving you fake details each weekend about how the client meetings went?

I don't think I could feel comfortable with such a prolonged lie, all as a means of inserting himself into your life? It's just too full on. He took away your autonomy, you felt it was an organic situation developing though happy circumstances but actually he manufactured it that way. If it were me, and I chose to carry on a relationship with him, I'd constantly wonder what else he was doing to orchestrate my life.

That first set of 4 weeks is one thing. If he had confessed after that, it could possibly be considered endearing but the length he carried on for makes it feel like he has been trying you life on for size, seeing if it fits.

J0y · 09/10/2022 08:43

i don't think the lie is necessarily one big definitive red flag that you must run from.

I think you're wise to be conscious of the age gap and the religion issue though.

Is your concern that it could just burn for 18 months then the age issues, the religious issues and you being a mother and him being single and younger will all raise their head and bring the relationship to an end, having taken your poor DC along for the ride :-(

Right now as welll, he is crazy about YOU, he created this scenario to be close to you. And he's waiting and hoping that you ''accept'' him.

But I'm old enough to think that in a year or so when he's had a large portion of family life but is still basically a young single man, the balance of power will shift.

maybe by then you'll love him and miss him if he goes, but he'll always be conscious that this isn't ''his'' family and he's free to check out.

So................ No advice but I think you're wise to call this a complication.