Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Would you be okay with this lie?!

46 replies

RoseRoseShop · 09/10/2022 07:19

Recently my friend told me that he has feelings for me. I do like him alot but it's a bit complicated so not sure what I'm doing and that's for another thread.

I've known friend for a couple of years and he lives far - 3.5-4 hr car journey away. We have always texted / chatted on the phone with the occasional meet up.

However, the last 8m he has been working on a new long term project with a client who is based in the city near me. This is around 25mins away.

Due to this he has been staying over every Friday / Saturday night at a hotel to meet with the client.

As he is now so close, I have naturally asked him to come over Friday or Saturday. We just hang out. My weekends are pretty busy ferrying kids to clubs, catching up on cleaning, shopping, chores, ironing, homework and general family stuff so nothing exciting really..

When he's here he helps out a lot with everything - cooking, shopping, helping with the kids, cleaning - just everything. I obviously tell him not to do so much but he insists. Me and the kids love his company.

Anyway after a few days of telling me how he felt he revealed that he had lied about the client. There was no project with a client in the city. He had made it up as a way of having an "excuse" to be near and so he could see me more often.

I don't really know what to think of it tbh. I feel manipulated and upset that I've been lied to for 8m. He is extremely sorry about it and absolutely regrets it. He's not the type to lie, he's a really good guy which makes this all the more confusing.

Would you be okay with this? Am I overreacting? Or is this a massive red flag! I don't know what to think.

OP posts:

AllThatHoopla · 09/10/2022 08:47

Has he ever talked about the project or the client? Has he embellished the original lie or has he shied away from it?

J0y · 09/10/2022 08:48

''the length he carried on for makes it feel like he has been trying you life on for size, seeing if it fits.''

yes he tried her life on for size. He had the freedom to think, does this suit me? do I want this? Do I want it full time, part time?''

Meanwhile the OP was just wondering what happens when the ''project'' end.

So if the OP is confused and this guy is now certain what he wants, that's hardly surprising.

SunshineAndFizz · 09/10/2022 08:48

This could end one of two ways...

It could end up being a story during your wedding speeches about how the two of you got together.

Or, your friends will be telling the tale to the police when your dismembered body is found in a ditch.

In all seriousness, if everything is ok about him then I'd give him a chance.

mistermagpie · 09/10/2022 08:51

No that's nuts. Sorry. And the fact that he's lied to sort of worm himself into your family life, which you have allowed, is at best ick-worthy. At worst it's a bit scary.

I'd call this whole situation off now and tell him exactly why. I'd also be a bit firmer with boundaries generally to be honest.

Original poster

RoseRoseShop · 09/10/2022 08:54

AllThatHoopla · 09/10/2022 08:47

Has he ever talked about the project or the client? Has he embellished the original lie or has he shied away from it?

To be honest I don't really ask him about his work. He has a few things he works on at a time. I just ask generally how was work. I don't understand his job tbh...he works in IT/ tech and I'm sorry but I find it boring! The client is real but the project didn't go ahead with them. It was postponed or something. So I guess he's been lucky I have been disinterested in his work!

OP posts:

Slavetotherhythm · 09/10/2022 08:57

RoseRoseShop · 09/10/2022 08:35

The complicated stuff is me I guess. He's younger and has no kids so that's a worry for me. He is also from a different religion / not the same ethnicity as me. So there's some things we would really need to work out before we got together.

He hasn't shown any other red flags that I can see. He's really lovely. He's kind, generous, considerate, funny, confident, and respectful and I probably have fallen for him. Im usually the type of person who doesn't let myself be led by my heart which is why I am being super cautious.

Mumsnet knows him and judges him by this crazy lie. Yeah on its own I think it sounds fucking psycho but if you know him it's anything but.

I guess I just needed some perspective from others as I was like omg what do I do with this?

Everyone has has latched onto a lie, but has ignored that you say there actually was a meeting in the first instance. I think it needs context.

These other issues are separate & need thinking about differently. My concern is that you’ve already introduced him into your family. Can you meet him outside your home, now?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 09/10/2022 08:58

Your second post makes it a lot less creepy than your first. It’s still a lie; but there was a client, and there was a reason for the hotel bookings… and then the project didn’t go ahead. He absolutely should have told you, but it’s a whole lot less weird to decide to still use a hotel room to see you than it is to invent a whole client!

MuckyPlucky · 09/10/2022 09:08

Duplicitous ✔️
Pushy ✔️
Over-familiar in terms of playing ‘husband’ whilst your kids were present ✔️
Imbalance of power (knowledge) ✔️

I had a similar brush with someone “kind, caring, romantic”….turned out to be subtly controlling and I by the time I realised I was very deep into it. Don’t ignore these red flags 🚩 🚩 🚩

MadeForThis · 09/10/2022 09:22

He didn't need to lie for 8 months.
He's at a different stage in his life, will he want kids, will you?
Different religion, will that work, will his family accept you and your kids?
He still lives 4 hours away. How will that work?

BreatheAndFocus · 09/10/2022 09:22

Sorry, but however ‘lovely’ he is, it sounds very controlling, like he considers himself above you somehow and you’re a player in his life. People can be nice and still be super-controlling. I’d be extremely uneasy at this deceit.

SmileyClare · 09/10/2022 09:30

How did you meet? What did you think we're his intentions?

If you put the lie aside for a minute, do you actually find him attractive?

From your posts it seems clear you see him as a friend, you like him because he makes your life easier- he cooks, cleans, shops for you and helps with the dc. There's no mention of time spent alone together, no mention of you wanting to spend more time with him, in fact on a few occasions you forgot he was coming and his journey was wasted!
There's also no mention of you showing an interest in him as a person or finding out about his work, his friends, his life away from you? You say his work sounds boring.

I don't think you have a romantic connection. You've spent enough time with him to realise if there was chemistry- something would have happened between you by now wouldn't it?

Don't be tempted to get together with a nice guy just because he has chased you and he's helpful around the house.

Be honest with him, it's unfair to string this out now you know his intentions.

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/10/2022 09:35

You invite him over every weekend knowing he does these things and let him become immersed in you and your kid's lives. I find this really weird to be honest, and just as odd as what he's done.

ittakes2 · 09/10/2022 09:39

He made up a big lie to get closer to you. It is showing a side of how he thinks. What else has he lied about? He is trying to get in your good books - he could be pretending he likes you sorry. How old are your kids?

wormshuffled · 09/10/2022 09:40

To me this sounds like one of those situations that has snowballed from a white lie into a big one.
So he legitimately had a reason to be around a few times and you guys met up and he enjoyed his time with you and your family/life so much so that he continued doing it when he didn't have to.
This was the point when he should have said ' hey I don't really have an excuse to come this way anymore but enjoyed your company' instead he's continued the lie and now it seems super weird.

I think I would think back to the first few times he was around and think about how I would have felt if he had said he likes being around. How would you have felt?

Sirius3030 · 09/10/2022 09:48

RoseRoseShop · 09/10/2022 08:35

Mumsnet knows him and judges him by this crazy lie. Yeah on its own I think it sounds fucking psycho but if you know him it's anything but.

I guess I just needed some perspective from others as I was like omg what do I do with this?

This.
I did the same thing to get a second date. It all worked out and never I never did it again. I only told my DP a year or so later - they thought it quite amusing. Your friend had obviously trapped himself into the lie and finally felt obliged to come clean. At least he has now been honest so judge him by his intentions.

hadtochangetothisone · 09/10/2022 09:53

I have no problem with this. Just sounds like a white lie that has got out of control and then too embarrassing to say anything. However now he has feelings for you wants a clean honest slate . He didn't need to say anything but was honest .

I'd say that's a good thing .

tranquiltortoise · 09/10/2022 09:56

I think it's an insight into how his mind works and how he thinks about things. How you feel about that is up to you.

You say he's 'not the type to lie' but he obviously is - he thinks it's OK to lie as long as you have a reason and it's a 'white' lie or 'harmless'.

For me personally, that would be a concern. I believe honesty is important, even if it's less convenient/ easy than a white lie.

He could have just told you how he felt and asked if you wanted to spend more time together, but it sounds like he didn't want to show any vulnerability or put himself at risk of rejection.

That would be a concern for me as well. I wouldn't want to be with a man who was afraid of their emotions/ afraid to be a bit vulnerable.

It truly is all personal preference though and this is why we are not all a good match for everyone! Some people would not be at all bothered by what he's done or might even find it quite sweet. It's for you to decide.

beastlyslumber · 09/10/2022 10:01

No, I wouldn't be okay with it. I'd be freaked out. It would make it impossible to trust him.

That's a big thing to lie about. Eight months he's been pretending to be something he's not. It's a massive red flag and I would be appalled if someone did something like this to me.

J0y · 09/10/2022 10:06

good post from @tranquiltortoise
he couldn't be vulnerable enough to just honestly say ''i like you'' because he couldn't risk rejection, because........... he couldn't handle rejection?

Nobody likes rejection but I think it's a sign of a fragile self-esteem to go to such extreme lengths to avoid rejection.

Also dare I say it, there may be an element of him believing that your value is less in the dating world because you have children. I do not believe this. I'm saying that I came across some low self-esteem merchants who LIKE the old fashioned paradigms of men rescuing needy women.

A woman with children saying no thank you to a man who is attempting to ''rescue'' them can really confuse some men.

SmileyClare · 09/10/2022 10:23

This is a bizarre situation.

Why did you think a young single man would devote all his weekends to you and your family? Didn't you ask him about his social life or any romantic interests?

What did you think would happen when his work contract ended and your children had formed a relationship with him? We're you planning to wave him off and go back to just messaging?

MuckyPlucky · 09/10/2022 12:34

You’ve known this man in a friend capacity for 2 years (most of which he’s lived far away). You’re on your own with young DC. He invites himself into their home each weekend with his feet firmly under the table / making himself indispensable…. I hope he’s never had any time alone with your DC’s, OP?

Flip

1 2