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Original poster

No interest in marriage

35 replies

SkyeSky · 08/10/2022 19:44

Hi. I have been on and off with my partner for many years. We share a three year old and I have a wonderful stepson who I also bring up. My partner and I planned to marry one day after having our child.
He has now changed his mind. Says he loves me and wants to be a family always yet has no reason to marry.
He recently purchased a home for us all but will not agree to put me on the house. I don’t not work as I am very much a stay at home mum.
He feels if I am with him then I will be secure. However if something were to happen the children and I would not have security and this worries me greatly. I feel very hurt and do not feel I can stay in a relationship like this. I do not want to separate my family, which he will say I am doing if I don’t move in.
How can someone put the woman he loves in such a position if he truly saw a future with her.
I don’t no what is for the best. I will struggle alone financially as I don’t not earn and have no savings.

OP posts:
KitchenSupper · 08/10/2022 19:46

Stay until your child reaches school age, then leave. Look at your employment options in the meantime.

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/10/2022 20:17

An on/off relationship where you will have absolutely no housing security?? Basically you will be bringing up both his children with no rights to remain in your/your child's home should he decide that the relationship is off again. 'Planned' to marry means nothing and gave you no security anyway.

What is your housing situation atm?? You'd be more secure keeping renting where you are as a single mum on benefits than suddenly finding yourself being kicked out if he decides it's off again and you have no deposit or first month's rent.

totallyoutnumbered · 08/10/2022 20:27

Nope. Not putting you on the house. He's planning a future that might not involve you. Sorry OP. No marriage is one thing but this displays a total lack of commitment. Cover your own back here x

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2022 20:31

If you don’t live together why are you bringing up his other child?

What income are you living off? Why don’t you work?

He’s clear he won’t marry you and you don’t live together, what is this family you speak of?

You're a single mum, you’re caring for a child that isn’t yours, you’re skint and your on off boyfriend has enough money to buy a house. It’s quite confusing.

loottie · 08/10/2022 23:39

You need to get a job and separate from him. You can co-parent your child.

KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 07:59

It’s fine for him to not want to marry, but you need to sort out your finances.
You need to work and save so you can buy your own house.

HeavensEmbroideredCloths · 09/10/2022 08:25

What is your housing situation? and what were his housing arrangements before? I’m guessing he wants a housekeeper.

You have zero financial security with him and do you have any kind of secure social housing tenancy you would be actually mad to give it up.

PaperPalace · 09/10/2022 08:30

He is not a kind man if he thinks it's ok for you to be in this position.

Realistically, you need to re-think your plan to be a SAHM. That only really works if your with someone who fully supports the plan, which he clearly doesn't. I think you should start looking at getting a job.

PaperPalace · 09/10/2022 08:32

*you're

Rainbowqueeen · 09/10/2022 08:54

Things need to change and the sooner the better for your sake. Go back to work. Even if it all goes on childcare you will gain experience plus a pension. It shouldn’t though - child care should be a shared expense.
Does your stepson live with you full time? If child care is required for him then your partner should pay all that cost.

Save all your income other than a split of bills based on how much you both earn. He is responsible for mortgage, house insurance and all repair and maintenance expenses. You save your money so that you can buy your own place or invest in shares or pay extra into a pension.

There is absolutely nothing to stop him ending your relationship at any time. If he ends it 20 years down the track and you have not been working then you walk away with nothing

If he objects to you working then end it. You will not be breaking up your family - that will be his doing. It’s not a family if you won’t do the things that give security and comfort to the person you are supposed to love more than anyone.

BuffaloCauliflower · 09/10/2022 09:02

You’re not married, staying at home and aren’t named on the house. This puts you in an extremely precarious position, he could end the relationship at any time and you’d have no security. Tell him this and that you’ll need to go back to work full time to get yourself some security, as he is unwilling to provide any for you and his child. He’ll probably throw a fit about you not trusting him, but trust won’t house or feed you

Darhon · 09/10/2022 09:08

You honestly need to start working now. You will have nothing if you split and it will be harder to sort work and childcare at that point if you are trying to sort housing and maintenance. Sort the job and share of childcare first then decide if you want to stay with him.

Timeforabiscuit · 09/10/2022 09:10

Has he made a will, life insurance, or named you or your child in any future financial provision?

These things should be in place if you have a child together, should anything happen to him.

Otherwise, I'm afraid you're going to have to work on your own financial security, as from his actions he is not going to provide this. Get to work paying off any shared debt, and finding an independent income.

DenholmElliot1 · 09/10/2022 09:14

I can only echo what the others have said. Buy your own home and focus on earning enough money to get a mortgage. Where are you currently living.

It sounds like a horrid relationship anyway. On and off, raising a child that doesn't even live with you, being financially exploited and treated as a cash cow that provides free childcare and housework. No, that wouldn't work for me.

Bouledeneige · 09/10/2022 09:18

I'm sorry OP but I don't really understand why you're expecting someone else to support you. If you don't work, earn or have any savings it's on you as an adult and parent to start supporting yourself and your child. Then perhaps your partner would see you as an equal. Otherwise you're just someone he sees as wanting him to support and then if your relationship goes south wanting half of the assets he's accumulated.

You are vulnerable because you don't support yourself. You have put yourself in that position. Not him. And as a parent you need to take responsibility for financially supporting your child.

Darbs76 · 09/10/2022 09:19

You’re extremely vulnerable financially. Not married. Not on the house deeds and not working. If he walks out tomorrow you’re in a difficult position. Why aren’t you on the deeds? I wouldn’t be a SAHM if I wasn’t married. Whilst your partner is adding to his pension you’re not, and in the future this will be a problem for you.

beonmywaythen · 09/10/2022 09:20

KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 07:59

It’s fine for him to not want to marry, but you need to sort out your finances.
You need to work and save so you can buy your own house.

I disagree. I think marriage provides a lot of security in the situation and the only reason he wouldn't want to marry is to leave her easily.

jeaux90 · 09/10/2022 10:16

There is another thread called 'l'm screwed" which is exactly the position you could be in unless you get yourself into a job and save some money.

I'm a lone parent, it's preferable than being with someone ambivalent about my future.

Ginger1982 · 09/10/2022 10:24

Why have you put yourself in this position? 🤦‍♀️

QueSyrahSyrah · 09/10/2022 10:40

If you don't earn or have savings then presumably he's already fully supporting you and the DC? I don't actually see what difference it would make you moving into a house he's bought in that case? If you split now you'd be screwed, if you split in 5 years you'd be screwed.

There's two ways to protect yourself, marriage or earning independently. If the former is off the table then the latter is the route you need to take.

Original poster
SkyeSky · 09/10/2022 19:33

Thank you for all your messages.
so we all lived together and I worked while looking after his child. I don’t see his child any differently to my own. I love him so very much and since he has no contact with his birth mum I very much take responsibility for him as I chose to do so. He is the brother to my daughter and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
when I fell pregnant with my daughter we decided that I would take care of the kids and home while he works/earns etc. I was extremely grateful for this, I know it’s luxury. When my daughter starts school next year I plan on going back to work. The reason we separated living together is because I found messages on his phone to another woman, planning to meet etc. They had been talking for some time. He swore thats all it was and nothing happened or went any further.
i was devastated. The plan was to get married well that’s what he had promised me after having my daughter. I believe him. I was so upset and worried for my future I went on to housing and universal credit. I find it very difficult. Money is tight. He helps with this children financially. His son doesn’t live with me full time.
He now wants me to leave my flat, benefits to move in with him to be a family. However he will not marry me. I feel strongly about marriage, for love but also security. I feel to scared to move in with him Incase he decided to leave me and I again will have nothing. I will work but still won’t make enough to buy my own home. If I don’t move he will Make me feel guilty and say I and Separating our family.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 09/10/2022 19:38

Stay where you are and apply for CM for your child.

Do not move in with him. Tell him he either puts the house in joint names or you marry if he wants you with him. If not, you'll stay on your own as he clearly can't be trusted to put yours and your DD interests above his own.

Original poster
SkyeSky · 09/10/2022 19:38

He has told me he wants to provide for me. He says I have money if I am with him as in he will provide for as long as we are together. He has not put me on anything financial. If anything were to happen to him then everything goes to the children. it’s like I don’t matter at all. When I tell him this he gets angry. It was his choice for me to stay home and not work.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkyeSky · 09/10/2022 19:40

Thank you. I’m going to tell him just that. If he doesn’t want to marry me then I will
not move in!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/10/2022 21:39

I’m going to tell him just that. If he doesn’t want to marry me then I will
not move in!

Please stick to this.

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