Can a marriage survive if in-laws really do hate you….

Dahlias4life · 2022-10-08T17:20:53+00:00

I’m looking for some advice and experiences. My relationship with my in laws has broken down irrevocably. I have really tried to mend fences but I am now getting abuse and I can’t see a way back. They have said I’m not welcome in their house. Yet they still want to see the grandchildren. My spouse is devastated and refused to take sides. Honestly it feels he is very much on their side. it’s affecting our marriage hugely. Has anyone managed to keep a marriage going when in laws hate you so much and you have no relationship with them?

tiredmumma93 · 08/10/2022 18:29

In a vaguely similar situation- I just keep my distance.
It sucks, and I hope in time it may be repairable, but the way it's looking it won't.
You need to decide if your relationship is worth it and whether your DP would be able to keep it separate.
Myself & my DP have had long talks about staying together and ultimately he would resent them if we broke up because it the situation.

I hope things become easier for you

J0y · 08/10/2022 18:36

He is taking sides.
If he allows them to call shots, he is taking sides.

How desperate are you to go to their house though?
Would the freetime be better?

forrestgreen · 08/10/2022 18:42

Yep he's chosen sides.
What do you want to happen, they'll never like you or they'll be faking it?

If they're verbally abusive to you, do you think they'll bad mouth you if you're not there. Would your dh stop them or gloss over it?

If it's the latter I'd say my children won't be going without me.

However, if you separate then you'll have no control

5128gap · 08/10/2022 19:02

I think its extremely difficult. For a relationship to irretrievably break down, one side or the other must have done something pretty terrible, or be so unreasonable/unforgiving they refuse to overlook something they should.
I'm not sure how someone can not take sides in that situation because one party is clearly very wrong and the person in the middle must have a view on who that is.
If your husband thinks the party in the wrong is them, he owes you his loyalty and support, and you will resent him not giving it.
If he thinks it's you who is wrong, he will probably see you in a different light.
Either way, it's bad news for your marriage.

Original poster

Dahlias4life · 08/10/2022 21:15

Thank you! In some ways I’m glad it’s not just me if that makes any sense. I hope things ease for you to!

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Original poster

Dahlias4life · 08/10/2022 21:16

Not very desperate to be honest so yes. Maybe the free time would be better.

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Catlover1970 · 08/10/2022 21:17

What happened that’s so bad it’s broken down completely?

waffless · 08/10/2022 21:40

Oh do not go that route if your husband or wife is close to them. They may try to destroy you or your marriage.

BrightBlueFlamingo · 08/10/2022 21:47

It's not easy and you really do have to be the bigger person if you want the marriage to survive ( yes I do love my husband that much!). However you will always feel resentment that your husband never fully took your side.....

Mummyof287 · 08/10/2022 22:17

Yes- we have had two major fall outs, and other minor general 'issues' with the inlaws over the 10 years DH and I have been together.
The first fall out afew years ago resulted in 10mths of N/C until I persuaded DH to make amends for the sake of DD1.
Second fall out a couple of months back,
We decided enough is enough, they blew their second chance.DD1 is old enough to give her opinion and isn't fussed (they're not great grandparents tbh) and DD2 is a baby so none the wiser about us no longer seeing them.

Its caused stress between us at times, but DH has ALWAYS taken our side and stuck up for us.If he hadn't, I think we would have major problems.

And IMO you should all come as a package...why should they get to see your kids if they treat you like crap?

Original poster

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 20:24

Thanks for everyone’s replies.

To be honest this has been brewing for years. They do some childcare for us which has been an amazing help. It’s also been really hard though. It always had to be on their terms and at their house. They hated any last minute changes and were weird about stuff like making the children dinner. They refused to have them overnight ever and if I was ever running late it was made pretty clear how annoyed they were. When I have birth to DS2 I had severe complications and almost bled to death. They refused to have DS1 overnight so my partner had to leave and I was alone. Later on when partner was very ill and in hospital trying to negotiate childcare arrangements with them became hideous. They constantly said it was too much and they were too old. I eventually said ok, childcare isn’t working. Let’s keep it to seeing the kids socially and we will use formal childcare. I made sure to say they could see the kids as often as they liked.
They rang me up. Shouted at me. Called me cruel, told me to shut up when I started speaking. Bought my mother into it for some reason saying she was incapable of looking after the children (she lives miles away so it’s not even an issue) I said stuff back. I admit that.
Partner has stayed in bed all day today whilst I take the kids out. He says he won’t take sides.
Will this ever be workable?

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Imissmoominmama · 09/10/2022 20:27

He needs to stand up for you. If you said stuff you regret, say so. The rest is up to them.

NewYorkLassie · 09/10/2022 20:29

Well that does paint things in a slightly different light. Would love to hear their side.

Tsort · 09/10/2022 20:33

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 20:24

Thanks for everyone’s replies.

To be honest this has been brewing for years. They do some childcare for us which has been an amazing help. It’s also been really hard though. It always had to be on their terms and at their house. They hated any last minute changes and were weird about stuff like making the children dinner. They refused to have them overnight ever and if I was ever running late it was made pretty clear how annoyed they were. When I have birth to DS2 I had severe complications and almost bled to death. They refused to have DS1 overnight so my partner had to leave and I was alone. Later on when partner was very ill and in hospital trying to negotiate childcare arrangements with them became hideous. They constantly said it was too much and they were too old. I eventually said ok, childcare isn’t working. Let’s keep it to seeing the kids socially and we will use formal childcare. I made sure to say they could see the kids as often as they liked.
They rang me up. Shouted at me. Called me cruel, told me to shut up when I started speaking. Bought my mother into it for some reason saying she was incapable of looking after the children (she lives miles away so it’s not even an issue) I said stuff back. I admit that.
Partner has stayed in bed all day today whilst I take the kids out. He says he won’t take sides.
Will this ever be workable?

Have you posted this exact scenario before? If not, there’s two of in identical straits.

Why did he stay in bed all day?

So, you’re trying to save your marriage to a man who ‘doesn’t take sides’ when you’re being shouted at and abused? What for, exactly?

Original poster

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 20:34

AIBU saying that they can see the kids as much as they like but childcare needs to be formal? It’s been the source of so many arguments and conflicts for years. And they have been so unkind and horrible to me for a long long time. Finally culminating in this argument. I shouldn’t have picked the phone up. But the first words out of their mouths were insults and I would never dream of telling the mother of my grandchildren to shut up.

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Original poster

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 20:34

I haven’t no. I probably need to find that post!

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BuddhaAtSea · 09/10/2022 20:37

What are you saying?
If I got this correctly, you’ve been relying on them for childcare, a bit too much, they told you they’re old, they told you they don’t like it when you’re late, make last minute plans etc, and you’re the one that’s upset? Did I get that right?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2022 20:41

They do not care for you or their grandchildren. If they did, your spouse would not be so emotionally harmed by them and nor would they openly disrespect you as their daughter in law.

If his parents are too difficult, toxic or otherwise abusive towards you as their mother it’s the SAME deal for your kids too. Your spouse is mired in fear obligation and guilt towards his parents.

He may well want to keep up appearances with them but it does not follow that you and your children have to. Keep yourselves away from such family members.

Original poster

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 20:47

They did but they then also say they will have the kids whenever we need. It was hot and cold constantly and it got to be a real bone of contention.

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Rinatinabina · 09/10/2022 20:47

Well yes childcare is a favour to you. It’s not unreasonable that it’s on their terms. They aren’t obliged to have your kids overnight and yeah people being late is annoying.

They overreacted unless you framed it in a “omg if you can’t even do this they you can never look after them again assholes”

Original poster

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 20:49

I never called them anything. They did the name calling.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2022 20:52

It’s not up to them to dictate or otherwise demand of you when they have the children, you people are their parents after all. You need to keep your kids well away from your in laws.

Do read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2022 20:55

And your spouse needs therapy re his dysfunctional relationship with his parents like yesterday. He taking to his bed is not going to help him, his inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you people.

Where does his loyalty lie with now- you people as his own family unit or his parents?.

Original poster

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 20:56

I will read that. Thank you.

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Granforjam · 09/10/2022 21:00

I think you're both in the wrong. I bet you told them something along the lines of "since you can't even do this for us, I will get formal childcare etc" which could be upsetting depending on how you said it. They shouldn't have thrown insults of course or shouted at you.

But why not instead say "we'll get a childminder for emergencies and only ask you if we need childcare with XX notice?

I don't think you realise how lucky you've been to get free childcare. I have only had one date night in the 3 years since I've been a parent and pay half my salary on nursery fees. If you want things on your terms, then you should have made alternative arrangements from the get go rather than relying on the grandparents. Changing plans at the last minute/regularly being late/giving short notice is not okay!! This will be unacceptable if you pay for childcare.