Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Can a marriage survive if in-laws really do hate you….

45 replies

Dahlias4life · 08/10/2022 18:20

I’m looking for some advice and experiences. My relationship with my in laws has broken down irrevocably. I have really tried to mend fences but I am now getting abuse and I can’t see a way back. They have said I’m not welcome in their house. Yet they still want to see the grandchildren. My spouse is devastated and refused to take sides. Honestly it feels he is very much on their side. it’s affecting our marriage hugely.
Has anyone managed to keep a marriage going when in laws hate you so much and you have no relationship with them?

OP posts:

beonmywaythen · 09/10/2022 21:06

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 20:47

They did but they then also say they will have the kids whenever we need. It was hot and cold constantly and it got to be a real bone of contention.

I have this. The only way we were able to resolve it is: 1) my husband took my side 100%. 2) we stopped relying on them for childcare and when and where we wanted to see them was on our terms. If they really want to see their grandchildren, they can compromise on time and place unless they are too old to travel. And I would be there to make sure they are kind to your dc. If they step out of line then limit contact.

beonmywaythen · 09/10/2022 21:08

I also don't think it's crazy to expect help from grandparents, especially if they offer it. I find it weird how MN expects grandparents to contribute zero to grandchildren and any extra is a bonus. Bizarre but I know I'm in the minority here.

MassiveSalad22 · 09/10/2022 21:08

Yes but DH took my side - I think that whole angle is juvenile but FIL asked him whose side he’s on and he was like, ‘obviously my wife’s’. So. I’m sorry your DH didn’t do the same

Original poster

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 21:14

I totally hear what you’re saying. All I can say is they offered and continued to offer childcare.
I think the point I’m trying to make is I can’t meet the terms they want for childcare. Which include always driving to their house which is often the opposite direction to work. And I genuinely think there would be a lot less arguments if it was a social thing. Rather than always negotiating and not being able to Meet expectations of childcare. Absolutely see that I was lucky. All I can say though is I did pay for it. In other ways.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2022 21:16

MassiveSalad22

Your FIL said that of his wife because he is a weak bystander of a man acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He cannot be relied upon either.

Puppers · 09/10/2022 21:25

In my experience it's not possible for a man to have healthy relationships with both his parents and his wife, when the PIL/DIL relationship has broken down. It's pretty much either/or. He either prioritises his marriage and his relationship with his parents naturally suffers (because you can't be loyal to your spouse whilst having a very close relatives with people who abuse and ostracise them) or he prioritises his parents and his marriage suffers because his wife feels betrayed.

If he tries to sit on the fence, he might be able to throw enough crumbs to keep his parents happy but he can't do the same for his wife. Fence sitting = not prioritising the marriage.

This is just my experience. Maybe someone else will tell you it can be done.

SandyY2K · 09/10/2022 21:25

So they're not happy that you're going to make formal childcare arrangements?

It sounds like the way you said it may have upset them, but it's the right idea to get someone else to look after the kids

Perhaps if you just said that you're getting childcare which is located closer to work, as traffic is so awful and its making you late to work, that would have been better received.

beonmywaythen · 09/10/2022 21:37

Dahlias4life · 09/10/2022 21:14

Yes - never rely on them for childcare. Definitely keep it social. It relieved a lot of stress for me with my MIL. Just say logistics won't work out but you do want them to have a good relationship w grandkids so you can arrange other times to meet.

Suetwo · 09/10/2022 21:39

It depends on two things. How close your partner is to his/her parents, and whose side he/she takes.

Slateisgreat · 09/10/2022 21:40

Namechanged. I’m in a similar position with awful in-laws. The issues have always been between them and DH but they’ve projected all their toxic nonsense/blame onto me - much easier to think I’m the reason the relationship between them and their son broke down.

DH stayed ‘loyal’ to me, but made a few attempts to resolve things with then as best he could for the sake of the kids but this never worked. I stepped back from the situation entirely and left them to it. The whole situation has been sad and stressful for DH, and it certainly hasn’t helped our marriage purely because he gets so low about have little to no contact with his parents, awful though they are. In that respect, it has put strain on us, so yes it can still‘work’ if the in-laws hate you, but even if you have zero contact with them, it might well continue to be an issue. Sorry you’re going through this - not easy xx

AnnaMagnani · 09/10/2022 21:43

It can only survive if your DH has your back.

My DM used to say that there is a time in every marriage where the husband has to tell his family to fuck off.

While her view may be extreme (!) I have always known that my DH would stand up for me to his parents.

In saying he doesn't want to take sides, your DH is picking his parents side.

Of course if you say no kids visiting without you, you don't visit or lift a finger to arrange anything, you may well find your DH's contact with his parents falls of a cliff once he is responsible for it on his own, and doesn't have you as a buffer.

drpet49 · 09/10/2022 21:43

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2022 20:52

It’s not up to them to dictate or otherwise demand of you when they have the children, you people are their parents after all. You need to keep your kids well away from your in laws.

Do read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward.

This. They are playing games with you OP. Protect yourself and the children from their toxic behaviour.

Dragonsmother · 09/10/2022 21:43

Sorry you are in this position.

The first is for you to stop using them for childcare. What they are doing is controlling behaviour. If they have an issue DH should deal with it and not you. If DH has an issue with it tell them it’s his parents causing the issue.

This will eat away at your marriage.

My DH and I came close to divorcing as his family were causing a lot of conflict. He buried his head in the sand. They were dark days. I really do feel for you.

Underthehills · 09/10/2022 21:45

Yes, but DH saw them for what they were in the end. They were pretty horrible to him too. He’s now NC. It was bloody but worth it in the end. I’m not sure I could have stayed married if he’d taken their side. They would have destroyed me.

Dacadactyl · 09/10/2022 21:51

OP I think you are coming across as awful and entitled. While your inlaws shouldnt be calling you names, i am absolutely astounded that you saw they were struggling to provide childcare and then carried on pushing the issue with them.

They are YOUR children. They have done their by raising your husband. Its not their job to bring your kids up. You are LUCKY they did anything at all for you. You need to sort yourself out. I am surprised your husband didnt say yonks ago that the kids needed to go into paid childcare because it was too much for his parents.

And i speak as a DIL whose inlaws wouldnt even do 3 hours of after school childcare A WEEK for a well behaved 8 year old. Reason being "they might want to go on holiday".

ehb102 · 09/10/2022 21:55

Free things are the most expensive.

You are not being unreasonable to want childcare that meets your needs. You are certainly not being unreasonable to refuse to be blackmailed over free childcare. It's a classic theme with difficult families, they keep you dependent on them. Remove their power and they have to behave. Some people hate that.

If your husband is staying neutral then make decisions and expect him to back you up.

Littlebird43 · 09/10/2022 22:58

You and your spouse need a united strategy to deal with this.
My parents in law can be a bit like this (asking/offering to do something which sounds generous, then deciding it is too much for one reason or another and getting in a massive strop when we don't want to alter our plans around them). Because they can get angry and pretty viscous, I never deal with them direct on difficult issues - I always leave it to DH because I know they will always forgive him after a month or two. This is something that me and DH agreed to do after PiL had been thoroughly nasty to both me and his brother's wife on different occasions.

pleasebegentlewithme · 10/10/2022 03:28

From my honest point of view ...

My husband and I are grandparents in our early sixties.

We adore our grandchildren and love seeing them.

We look after them for one day a week to help their parents. However, if I'm totally honest, we would prefer not to do it.

It's a long day with a very early start and we are exhausted by the end of the day!

We would never let on though as our daughter thinks we love having them and we wouldn't want to rock the boat.

Just remember though, your parents have had their own children, and are under no obligation to commit to looking after yours!

Andypandy799 · 10/10/2022 09:21

@Dahlias4life sounds like a disagreement that in Time will be overcome hopefully when you have all cooled down and thought it through.

I have a toxic xmil but that’s a long story

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 10/10/2022 10:22

I get where you are coming from and don't think you were unreasonable.

They wanted to look after the kids but wouldn't budge on any changes.

They then complained that they were too old.

The only workable solution for you were to make other, formal arrangements for childcare.

And then they got shitty about it. They obviously want everything to be exactly like they want it with no compromise.

As to your actual question, I'm sorry, in my opinion, unless your husband supports you, you have an uphill battle ahead. I had a very difficult MIL, but DH always took my side. I'm sorry.

Flip

1 2