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Original poster

Is this Tinder?

91 replies

Dudfud · 08/10/2022 15:21

As the subject header says…

Is the symbol in the middle Tinder? I’ve googled and it certainly fucking looks like Tinder to me.

Phone was locked and I don’t know the passcode so couldn’t see anything further.
Is there another app that has a symbol like this? Because I’m at a loss as to why my partner of 5 years would have it on his phone…

Is this Tinder?
OP posts:
Original poster
Dudfud · 08/10/2022 18:41

C1N1C · 08/10/2022 18:21

First off, hug, I'm sorry, it doesn't look good...

BUT BUT BUT, I tend to look at things objectively with a black and white evidence sort of attitude...

  1. How long has be been on there? For all you know it could be five minutes as a curiosity. But it could be months or years...
  1. OBJECTIVE view (really sorry)... but we're only seeing one side if the story. Cheating is wrong, no denying that, but half the time someone is the monster, the other half they are the victim.

Were the both of you seemingly happy? Going out, fun times, minimal level of arguments... or... arguments, stress, financial difficulties, are you hard work?... (still not an excuse for cheating!!!)

  1. Did he ever express a disapproval with the living situation? Not all men would consider "living apart until the children flew the coop" as serious... you can't build a life together, a house, your own family... I'm sorry, many guys would see that as YOU not being serious (devil's advocate).

As I said, I never condone it, but before we start crucifying for the cheating, the WHY is important. He might just be a dick... OR... he might just be really unhappy/unsatisfied and feel desperate for something serious. It of course doesn't excuse him for potentially cheating, don't get me wrong!

If he’s unhappy/unsatisfied then he’s free to end the relationship.

He certainly has never come across as unhappy/unsatisfied.

Re the living arrangements - it’s suited us both. He’s 22 years older than me, with an adult child - he gets on well with my child and we do things together - but living together with my primary age school child is not on the agenda, and that’s something we’ve both been happy with.

He’s had some health issues lately and he’s off work now until at least the new year. I’ve been supportive and understanding of that. If he’s having some delayed mid life crisis where his health scare has led him to see if the grass is greener then he can honestly get to fuck.

I still haven’t seen his profile. I searched gay men as well.
I’m going to have to mention it to him, but I know he will feign ignorance and play dumb.
I’m kicking myself for not just handing the phone to him this morning and asking what it was.

OP posts:
ChocChipOwl · 08/10/2022 18:48

I wouldn't bother with old the subterfuge OP. Just tap his phone and ask him why he has tinder on it.

If he says curiosity / for a mate / whatever else.. he won't mind showing you the app will he?

Id then take it from there

How old is he?

monsteramunch · 08/10/2022 18:49

The fact it's on his Home Screen means this isn't a dormant old account.

It also means, IMO, one of two things as well as him trying to cheat.

That he's so arrogant he doesn't care if you see it enough to hide it.

That he's such an idiot that he hasn't even attempted to check how to not make it THAT easy to see he's on tinder.

Or both.

monsteramunch · 08/10/2022 18:51

ChocChipOwl · 08/10/2022 18:48

I wouldn't bother with old the subterfuge OP. Just tap his phone and ask him why he has tinder on it.

If he says curiosity / for a mate / whatever else.. he won't mind showing you the app will he?

Id then take it from there

How old is he?

I would do this too instead of game playing.

If he says no / does the "I can't believe you don't trust me speech" / disappears to the loo with his phone before showing it to you... you have your answer.

But Occam's razor - you already know the answer.

It's shit but better to find out now rather than even further down the line Flowers

Original poster
Dudfud · 08/10/2022 19:01

ChocChipOwl · 08/10/2022 18:48

I wouldn't bother with old the subterfuge OP. Just tap his phone and ask him why he has tinder on it.

If he says curiosity / for a mate / whatever else.. he won't mind showing you the app will he?

Id then take it from there

How old is he?

He’s 64, I’m 42.
I honestly cannot believe that he could do this, but as soon as I saw the notification symbol I knew.

I’m seeing him on Monday, I’ll raise it with him then because I’m just going to drive myself crazy thinking about it.

There really isn’t anything he could say that’s going to justify him having Tinder so I will be ending the relationship.

OP posts:
decayingmatter · 08/10/2022 19:01

Don't show your hand though, when you raise this with him. Say the bare minimum, even just 'tinder?'. Do not elaborate, let him. He doesn't have to know how you know he has the app, let him panic

Ligglepiggle · 08/10/2022 19:08

You can block contacts on tinder, if you have signed up with your phone number he may well have you blocked. Can you get someone else to look for him?

ChocChipOwl · 08/10/2022 19:14

I think you'd maybe be better off with someone closer to your age - and I say this as an old duffer of 50.

Just get rid of him

Weepachu · 08/10/2022 19:50

How awful OP.
Forget Tinder, you are selling yourself short at 42 to be with an old codger like that.
You don’t want to be his nursemaid in a decade or so…

Secretboringsister · 08/10/2022 19:57

Also set your age to 5 years younger. It seems like they never look for their own age !

pennee · 08/10/2022 20:00

When your searching, set your age for the men lower than 64 as well in case he’s changed his age on there.
Sorry you’re going through this ☹️

Earrin · 08/10/2022 20:00

I have no idea, thinking outside the box here - but could he be getting app notifications from Tinder without being an active member?

Say several years ago he signed up, looked at it and then decided, nah I don't want to do this.

Could the notification be saying 'why not join up'. Or 'you should activate your profile, there are 10 new girls on your area'.

Is it possible it could be that sort of notification?

If he's on Tinder seems weird that he wouldn't show up when you joined to check.

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 08/10/2022 20:03

I've never used tinder so not entirely sure how i.t works but can you set your search for another area or wider than your own in case he's looking for matches outside the area you live (not doing it on his own doorstep sort of thing)

SavingsThreads · 08/10/2022 20:06

How have you searched gay men?

And youre not going to see his profile unless you match his requirements, including age

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/10/2022 21:22

I’d also match with a fake profile
create a new email address

pictures don’t have to be of you , or even of a person

but if you set the distance really low you will find him if he is there

I’m hoping this isn’t a total bolt from the blue
im sorry your stomach and being must be awful now xxx

Blackcatsarethebest · 08/10/2022 22:00

Really sorry op. My ex last year, sat in my house using my wifi to go on plenty of fish. I just happened to glance the screen. Lied to my face that he wasn’t a cheat, he wasn’t doing anything. Be prepared for the bare face lies. I know it hurts, you deserve so much better

Original poster
Dudfud · 08/10/2022 22:07

SavingsThreads · 08/10/2022 20:06

How have you searched gay men?

And youre not going to see his profile unless you match his requirements, including age

I can change my gender to male on my profile and search for men.

I’ve used various different search parameters and haven’t found him.

I didn’t want to include our ages earlier as I didn’t want this to be an issue. It’s never been an issue for me before.
I will address it with him when I see him on Monday. I know he will deny it.
I’m pretty gutted.

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 08/10/2022 22:14

Honestly that age difference is really going to be a problem in the future. You have a young child. He is ready to retire and has still knobbing around on fucking dating sites! Honestly, if he hasn't learnt his lesson at the age of 64 he is never going to!

YoSofi · 08/10/2022 22:52

All you need to do is look him in the face and tell him you know he’s on Tinder, and then stay silent.

Dont ask, and give him a way to lie his way out of it. He’s on Tinder, you’ve seen it with your own eyes.

You deserve better.

minticecreamisjustok · 08/10/2022 23:01

Keep looking, particularly when you know he'll be home browsing, it's easy to snooze and hide your account so he maybe clever and doing this and only using at certain times, knowing it's a possibility he could get caught.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 08/10/2022 23:13

Just so you know, if he's already seen you and not clicked to match, it might not show him on yours.

I'm really sorry about all of this, I can't imagine how crap you're feeling.

Meltingsocks · 08/10/2022 23:21

64?

You've had a lucky escape!

Meltingsocks · 08/10/2022 23:23

I'm sorry you're hurting but your future would have (mostly likely) been him being too old for any adventures by the time you're just mid 50's. You are young enough to rebuild and find someone who deserves you. Best of luck

ThatsTheWayIHikeIt · 08/10/2022 23:45

I suspect he's set his location as somewhere else. Probably just far enough so that nobody he knows will stumble across his profile.

squashandrun · 08/10/2022 23:57

He may be using incognito mode on Tinder too, so he can choose when his profile is viewable and when it's not - AKA he makes it viewable when the two of you aren't together.