Friend's affair - should I warn him off?

[HarrowCatlady]

My best friend has been having an affair with a married man for 5 years. It started after she had been alone for a few years after her husband left, and initially she convinced herself she just wanted a bit of fun with no strings attached. However, as the years have gone on, she's got more attached and he's making her utterly miserable.

He's made it clear he's got no intention of ever leaving his wife. He insists his relationship with his wife is platonic, they're just together for the kids etc, but his wife posts loving posts with pics from holidays etc on social media so I don't think it's true. His kids are young teenagers, so he's not going to leave them.

My friend is lonely, and although she's tried dating she always ends up going back to this man. He pursues her, and at times when she tries to end their relationship, he comes back time and again. She got really upset because they went away for a weekend, and she took a lovely photo of them together - and he demanded she delete it so that there was no evidence of their time together. She finished with him after that... and a week later he turned up in her local pub claiming he just happened to be there... and they ended up getting back together. Another recent example - my friend found out his wife was taking him on a romantic city break, which he denied knowing anything about - so she finished with him again.... but I think she has already let him back in.

He messages her, and also posts cryptic messages on social media which are i reckon designed to get to her. He won't leave her alone - and Im sure she's just as bad messaging him.

The last time she finished with him, I told her I would warn him off if he contacted her again. She agreed to let me know... but I think they're already seeing each other again.

He's ruining her life. Christmas and birthdays are miserable for her. Covid was awful because he dropped her like a stone when he couldn't use his usual excuses to go and see her. He's a narcissist who is obviously using my friend to feed his ego when he wants it, and dropping her when he doesnt'. His poor poor wife.

I don't want to ruin his wife's life... but I'm very tempted to blow the lid off the whole thing to make him fuck off for good. Should I warn him off - or stay out of it?

I really understand your temptation, but the likelihood of either wife will stay and your friend gets hurt and humiliated, or wife kicks him out and your friend becomes new partner he'll cheat on and gets hurt, it's a lose lose

Tell her. She needs to know.

He's ruining her life.

No, she's ruining her life and they're both risking ruining his wife and kid's lives.

Keep out of it. No-one will thank you.

Yeah this is why I've never got involved before. The last thing I want is for his wife to kick him out and for the creep to come to my BF as a fall back option.

I'm tempted to send him a stark warning - if you contact her again, I will tell your wife. Fuck off and leave her alone. Problem is - I think my friend will continue to contact him, or won't tell me if he contacts her... so it won't work.

He posts memes and shit on twitter, which are obviously aimed at her. He thinks he's so fucking clever that his secret messages won't be obvious to everyone else. So I set up a twitter account and have started commenting on them to shit him up.

Your friend will probably tell you to wind your neck in and never speak to you again.

Like it or not you're in a position of trust here. If you blow that, you'll blow the friendship.

He's ruining her life.

Bullshit. She's ruining her own life. She is not a victim in all this. You need to stay out of this disaster and find a better caliber of friend.

Oh grow up.

You're clearly enjoying the drama. 🙄

“He's ruining her life.

No, she's ruining her life and they're both risking ruining his wife and kid's lives.”

This with absolute bells on. This is on your friend. She’s choosing repeatedly to be utterly pathetic about this man. It’s hard to stand by and watch your friend engage in such poor and self-destructive behaviour but it’s her life she’s choosing to waste. At some level this arrangement suits her or she wouldn’t be sticking with it.

I'm really not - its so hard watching her be miserable over this guy then he's being all secret squirrel with his romantic messages on insta... he needs to know that other people can see straight through it. What if his wife looked at it?

You should stay right out of it. Stop being involved at all. Certainly don't be commenting on twitter. If you want to stay friends with her, you will have to sometimes be supportive when she is in a bad situation, but don't pass judgement one way or another on him or the relationship. If you can't keep yourself out of it you will have to distance yourself more from her.

Again, it's got nothing to do with you and if you were going to take the moral high ground, why didn't you take it the minute you found out your friend was fucking a married man?

He doesn’t care. He might want to get caught and have his wife chuck him out. The problem is your friend is willing to be part of this. It must be extremely frustrating to witness but it’s on her.

Her misery is entirely her own doing. What do you not understand about that? She has chosen this. Perhaps you should be talking to her and encouraging her to grow up, wake up, and stop being a doormat instead of fucking about on Twitter which will only inflame things.

Yes to your friend ruining her own life.
If you interfere I think you will lose a friend or as others have said worst case scenario for your friend sounds like she will get to be the new cheated on wife.
At this stage it is probably a bit like an addiction. I want to compare it to an abusive or co dependant relationship but that doesn't feel right.
It would appear from the outside that your friend could just step away but it isn't always clear when you are in the middle of trouble.
I guess it depends on what sort or friend you want to be and what future you want for your friendship.
Maybe the wide already knows or suspects if it's been going on for so long.
What a horrible situation.

He's not the kind of man who's going to be scared off. He's been having an affair for 5 years including weekends away. He's clearly a very good liar and manipulator. His wife probably has her suspicions and stays anyway.

Instead encourage your friend to stop. It's not about her or him but what about those poor kids and his poor wife who've done absolutely nothing wrong?

I was once in a very toxic and damaging relationship, which was obvious to everyone outside it but not to me at the time. The only friend I still have from that time is the one who was supportive but did not comment at all on the relationship, ever. She was there for me, let me stay with her when I was lonely and miserable, kept in contact through everything, but never once said anything about about "him". (She is incidentally also the only friend who managed to remain close friends with both me and my (also, in my opinion, toxic) XH after our divorce, still to this day she is good friends with both of us. She never mentions him to me either except in a very practical way i.e. she is going to his birthday party abroad so will be away, that sort of thing). You can stay in someone's life and be a friend while staying out of their relationship choices.

“Instead encourage your friend to stop. It's not about her or him but what about those poor kids and his poor wife who've done absolutely nothing wrong?”

This. Actually having the affair for fun was a selfish and shitty thing for your friend to do (and yes, I do believe that an OW can choose not to be part of betraying another woman and not to be part of lying to and deceiving a family; the fact that the married person gave the vows doesn’t, in my view, relieve the other person of all moral responsibility for their conduct). So perhaps this is her comeuppance. Either way, it’s herself she needs protecting from, not him.

he needs to know that other people can see straight through it
why does he? It sounds bloody ridiculous. A lot of drama setting up accounts to reply him!
your friend needs to take responsibility for her own happiness/misery.
Anyway no good deed goes unpunished. Start poking your nose in and your friend will soon be an ex friend.

Yeah, build up your part all you can, love.

Newsflash - This isn’t a soap opera, and you’re not Kat Slater or Chas Dingle getting the big cliffhanger. Your friend’s married man has had five years to decide it might actually be a bit shit to cheat on your wife - why is he suddenly going to stop because his bit on the side’s mate steams in because she fancies a bit of drama?* *

Wait a minute - I thought you wanted to blow it all apart and tell the wife? Now you’re worried she might see the Twitter feed and twig?

Or is it that you don’t want her to catch on because you want the Big Reveal to come from you?

I'm not worried she'll see his Insta/Twitter posts, in fact I hope she does. I just can't believe the audacity of the man to parade it on social media like this and think that he's so clever no one can see through it. He's using social media to manipulate my friend and they both think no one else has noticed.

Agree with PPs here - your friend isn’t a victim, she’s a willing participation in destroying someone’s life. If she chooses to get involved with a married man, this is what she signs up for. Zero sympathy from me.

Agree with PPs here - your friend isn’t a victim, she’s a willing participation in destroying someone’s life. If she chooses to get involved with a married man, this is what she signs up for. Zero sympathy from me.

Agree with PPs here - your friend isn’t a victim, she’s a willing participation in destroying someone’s life. If she chooses to get involved with a married man, this is what she signs up for. Zero sympathy from me.