Friend's affair - should I warn him off?

[HarrowCatlady]

My best friend has been having an affair with a married man for 5 years. It started after she had been alone for a few years after her husband left, and initially she convinced herself she just wanted a bit of fun with no strings attached. However, as the years have gone on, she's got more attached and he's making her utterly miserable.

He's made it clear he's got no intention of ever leaving his wife. He insists his relationship with his wife is platonic, they're just together for the kids etc, but his wife posts loving posts with pics from holidays etc on social media so I don't think it's true. His kids are young teenagers, so he's not going to leave them.

My friend is lonely, and although she's tried dating she always ends up going back to this man. He pursues her, and at times when she tries to end their relationship, he comes back time and again. She got really upset because they went away for a weekend, and she took a lovely photo of them together - and he demanded she delete it so that there was no evidence of their time together. She finished with him after that... and a week later he turned up in her local pub claiming he just happened to be there... and they ended up getting back together. Another recent example - my friend found out his wife was taking him on a romantic city break, which he denied knowing anything about - so she finished with him again.... but I think she has already let him back in.

He messages her, and also posts cryptic messages on social media which are i reckon designed to get to her. He won't leave her alone - and Im sure she's just as bad messaging him.

The last time she finished with him, I told her I would warn him off if he contacted her again. She agreed to let me know... but I think they're already seeing each other again.

He's ruining her life. Christmas and birthdays are miserable for her. Covid was awful because he dropped her like a stone when he couldn't use his usual excuses to go and see her. He's a narcissist who is obviously using my friend to feed his ego when he wants it, and dropping her when he doesnt'. His poor poor wife.

I don't want to ruin his wife's life... but I'm very tempted to blow the lid off the whole thing to make him fuck off for good. Should I warn him off - or stay out of it?

Agree with PPs here - your friend isn’t a victim, she’s a willing participation in destroying someone’s life. If she chooses to get involved with a married man, this is what she signs up for. Zero sympathy from me.

She's destroying her own life and any chance of happiness - that's what upsets me. He will never make her happy yet she keeps going back to him.

He's a vampire - just taking what he wants from her and giving nothing back.

Why doesn't she block him everywhere including her phone and social media.

I've asked her why she doesn't just block him - she says she doesn't want to... so she's letting him back in.

Why are you following him on social media? You’re way too invested in this. Disengage.

this sounds familiar. an ex-friend went through the same thing. Funnily enough, after the millionth break up they decided to make a go of it and he left his wife. However, it cost her our friendship. She slowly started drifting away when they moved in together. It ended up being my fault anyway, that part made me laugh!! It was such a shame, we had the best time when we were together and i could talk to her about anything. Such a smart girl but completely obsessed with this guy who treated her like shit, and still does. I remember the Cryptic posts on social media.....it was a dead giveaway if they were doing well or had broken up. The love quotes definitely weren't for anyone else!!! Glad im away from it. You would be better off doing the same OP.

She has said she doesn't want to block him. The best thing you can do is tell your friend that you're not interested in hearing about it anymore and just ignore ignore ignore. It's her decision to make, not yours.

Just stay right out of it OP and tell her you don't want to hear about her drama.

@HarrowCatlady your friend needs to be told the stark facts. He's getting off on playing games and she is filling a role which he has created. She will be of value to him up to the point that she stops fulfilling that role (i.e. she might start demanding more of his time). Then she will have no further value. He will then drop her like a stone and find another character. There is absolutely nothing special about her whatsoever other the fact he can manipulate her.
How sad it is that she's wasting all this time.
I think in this case that the wife needs to be told because he sounds like an extremely skilled player, to the extent that the wife might not even have an inkling there is anything 'wrong' with him. It is also that the wife's life is being wasted on this piece of shit.

Can't bear the idea that this woman is some sort of 'victim', she's knowingly engaging in this man's abuse of his wife.

Personally I think no one should keep a secret that puts a person's sexual, mental, physical and emotional health at risk. I could never stand by and watch someone be lied to and deceived like this.

Your friend has personal agency, she knows this man is married and behaving appallingly to his wife but she doesn't care as long as she gets the transactional feels from it. His wife has had her personal agency ripped away from her for five years. That's a huge part of her life.

Utterly disgusting the pair of them!

Stay out of it and dump your friend for having shite morals. That's exactly what I did. I can't abide the lying and deceitfulness of people having affairs.

initially she convinced herself she just wanted a bit of fun with no strings attached

A world full of single men - usually younger - who are up for fun and no strings sex .... About a million of them on dating, hookup and swinging etc sites; and she decided to do this with a married family man???

You seem to have given her a bit of free pass ; why? Her choices & behaviour has been shitty, low integrity, skeezy, and scummy from the start. She thought she'd be a smart arse and have someone else's husband .... She's now learned what happens when women shag men and get caught up in oxytocin and dopamine hits (and falls). She thought she wouldn't catch feelings, she was wrong, and should've known better.

Her consideration for his wife and kids has been nil. So what of he's only have fucked someone else; it didn't have to be her, and that's even more clear evidence why she shouldn't have gotten or stayed involved.

There's a male dominated forum I frequent where they can't use the word "slut" do they substitute it with "sloot" and their stock phrase is "sloots gonna sloot". Along similar lines to "players gonna play, hustlers
gonna hustle". Your mate choose to become and continue being an illicit partner to a married man with kids when, if all she was really looking for was no strings sex and fun, there were a potential billion other owners of hard dick to meet up with. She's been instrumental in deceiving and betraying some poor woman who's done nothing to her. And potentially breaking up some poor kids family, who've done nothing to her.

Maybe you should see her more as she is.

In terms of her exiting this train crash, s favourite YouTuber of mine has a relevant phrase "you have to participate in your own rescue". She is not.

You seem overinvested, wasting your time interacting with this creep. Disengage; you can't make adults do anything.

Oh and you're exactly right, I think, in thinking they'll just communicate secretly if you warn him off.

She'll just hide it.

And he'll prob get off even more on getting her to entertain him behind her disapproving/interfering friend's back.

This. Your friend is a right piece of work. Nasty.

I think you’re getting a hard time but you’re the one who has to console her when he gets bored of her. You’re involved whether you like it or not. I’d do her the biggest favour and tell this guy you’re telling his wife if he doesn’t leave your friend alone. And tell him you’ve got all the evidence she will need to believe a stranger. She will thank you for it one day

Your friend has made some very poor decisions, and continues to be a victim of her own poor decisions. No one is forcing her to see this man.

She should also not be surprised that she is experiencing less than stellar behaviour from someone who made lifelong vows to his wife, but has clearly put her and his kids at the very bottom of his priority list.

As for your role in all this - it really has nothing to do with you, and there is no need for you to get caught up in the drama unless you really want to. Your friend will have to face the consequences of her own actions and if they’re bad bad, pull on her big girl pants and get on with it.

It’s really got nothing to do with you unless she wants you to get involved. Maybe concentrate on your own life

Your friend deserves what she gets frankly. She could stop this right now if she really wanted to. She clearly doesn't.

If she doesn't have kids and would like them, I'd point out to her that females don't have the luxury of almost perpetual fertility, to the contrary they have a shorter fertility window than men.

He already had his kids, he's already passed on his genes; even if he hadn't he could fuck around for years not having any and have them more or less any time he wants with a woman of child bearing age.

She has no such luxury if she'd like kids. Every month with him is a twelfth of a year during which her fertility is reducing towards 5 per cent chance per cycle at 40 .... If she has average fertility.

Every month a month wasted in meeting another man who could become her life partner. In a real relationship. Not an illicit off shoot of someone else's.

She's sharing a man. I don't think popular statistics indicate women need to share men. They're not an endangered species. We're not domestic cows sharing a bull. She can have her very own man, just imagine.

She'll not be sufficiently motivated and focused to get one while she's distracted by this joker.

He has a loaf of bread, she has crumbs.

She needs to wake the fuck up.

If he's going to leave, he can get backnl to her when he's left, properly, for good. Their epic love and bond would ensure theyll end up together, right.

You really are

She’s lonely and emotionally vulnerable and he’s convinced himself that this relationship is something he can manage without compromising his marriage. Your friend is enabling his deceit, she hasn’t contacted his wife or made things difficult for him. On some level she knows that she is much less important to him than his wife. I suspect she feels quite powerless and fearful of being alone. If you do contact him, do so anonymously. Let him know that his private life is going to be in the public domain. Hopefully he will drop your friend and then at least she will have a chance to move on. If he ignores you, there’s always the nuclear option. It isn’t always true that ignorance is bliss. Sometimes wives are better off knowing the truth. This man isn’t feeling guilty and conflicted, he’s enjoying having sex with 2 women and using them to amuse his ego.

Your friend is getting exactly what she deserves.

She's having an affair with a married man, so she knows he's a lying cheat to his wife and children. No surprise he treats F like dirt, with no respect; no loyalty, . That's how he treats his wife so your friend can expect no better.

I'd tell the wife - she is the only one who deserves to know. Your friend and the other man will then have to sort their shit out amongst themselves!

OP, no. Nose out. Nothing you do will make things better for your friend. You want to hurt him but he's not your business. Not your circus, not your monkey. Start collecting boxes of tissues ready for your friend when it's finally over.

I definitely agree with telling his wife what he's upto- just because she should know.