What on earth do I tell ds? :(

[Ameifa]

NC but regular poster. (Penis beaker, Sistine chapel etc!)

Dont know if I’m being emotional and reacting on the back of it but had a really rough week with ds who is 13. They had a sex ed class this week and a couple came in (music teacher who had been on maternity with her husband) and they talked about their own ‘journey’ to parenthood. This seems to have opened up a can of worms for ds, who’s been asking in detail about whether his dad was around when he was born and if not why not. He then asked whether his dad pays me anything..no idea whether he’s heard of cms or whether he’s got wind of something from a best friend whose parents are divorced.

I said we could talk about it properly over the weekend but the reality of it all is it’s a mess. I’ve never really spoken about it but confided fully in a friend as she was gobsmacked at my ex and said I’d wasted years of cms and that will impact ds which isn’t fair… not exactly helpful as I can’t backdate it if I claim now. Basically ex left me at 7mo pregnant. It was brutal, I nearly took my life I was so low. Just before I had ds I got in touch and asked about our arrangements, assuming he would want to be involved. I will never forget the response ‘paternity test or nothing happens.’ This from a man I thought I was going to marry only weeks before. I immediately agreed to get the test done, I was in shock. I told him the dates I could get to a clinic, he didn’t reply. I offered to go on four different occasions and he blanked me. I was so desperate for him to see ds that I never wanted to rock the boat and claim money, so I didn’t. He was on significant money then so now god knows… I sent him my bank details and said pay what you like when you can and anytime you want to see ds it’s fine. He didn’t reply other than to say I was pestering him. I left it and never heard from him ever again. I spent many long nights feeling broken. When ds was 5 I think I fully felt better and questioned going to cms but in a strange way the more I looked back on what happened over the years the less I wanted to even think about him let alone make contact with him even from a distance like cms. I now feel terrible about this after what my friend has said and I know on some level she is right, I’ve deprived ds.

There was no other woman and last heard a year ago there still isn’t, no other kids. He’s quite a difficult man to be with.

do I tell ds all of this? The whole truth? I’m so worried it will hurt him. Do I start claiming now? What if he makes ds have paternity test, that seems awful? I feel destroyed and like all the trauma has come up. For a long time I thought ex didn’t cope well and felt sorry for him but I feel very silly I didn’t take a harder line to all this. He broke me and now it’s affecting ds too.

CMS now, the next 5 years of money will pay for uni or a car or a deposit

Yes he will ask for a test which you will provide

Be somewhat honest, say you tried to contact him but he didn't respond

You’re over thinking the cms thing, My mum never claimed maintenance for me I don’t feel upset about it. But you really should have spoken to him about his father before now, have you really never spoken to him about him? Be aware claiming maintenance now might prompt contact.

@SpinningFloppa yes in the past I said that he worked away and wasn’t able to be a dad. It’s not come up much.

can’t bear the idea of ds going for a paternity test.

lying is never good that’s why it’s no longer advised to say working away etc.

First and foremost you have done NOTHING wrong and you have not let down DS whatsoever.

Your ex sounds like a nasty selfish bellend. However, I am sure DS doesn't want to think of himself as 50% mum 50% bellend. So I guess you gloss over stuff in the interest of your child. You say that when you were pregnant your ex realised he couldn't handle being a dad, he freaked out and left. He has never met DS so hasn't realised what an amazing person DS is, which is his loss. I would avoid referring to him as 'your dad' and just refer to him by his first name.

Good luck OP. I feel for you.

I think you should tell your son an age-appropriate, edited version of the truth. Nothing that will make him feel it was his fault in any way. Don't mention the paternity test comment. Offer lots of reassurance from you.
Maybe something like your dad wasn't really ready to be a father? But I couldn't wait to be a mother? Have told my daughter something similar (though her dad has been a bit more involved though inconsistently l).
I would leave the money stuff out of it - that's a different issue.

@SpinningFloppa i wasn’t emotionally well at the time we split, I was taken aback by his request for paternity when I was 7mo pregnant and sort of fell into doing anything to accommodate him, agreed to get a tear etc even though it was so out of the blue, then he ignored me after I tried to arrange etc… I was an absolute nervous wreck. It’s no excuse but I found even thinking about him as time went on very chilling and too confusing to even explain anything to ds as I didn’t understand it myself.

All you've deprived him of is the heartache of knowing there's a dad who doesn't want to know him.

I just worry when ds gets wind of paternity which he will if I claim cms and ex contests it… he will have such a horrible view of me and the relationship. When the reality was that I did everything for my ex… I thought we were committed! I was totally confused when he asked for a test. Even more so when I booked it and he didn’t attend… I wanted to avoid it coming up later on.

Yeh sorry wasn’t having a go I know it was common before to make things up and not tell the truth to protect children so I can see why you did, It’s recently people have realised it’s not actually protecting them and can make things worse when they do eventually find out the truth, what does he feel about his father is he wanting to contact him?

I just worry when ds gets wind of paternity which he will if I claim cms and ex contests it… he will have such a horrible view of me and the relationship. When the reality was that I did everything for my ex… I thought we were committed! I was totally confused when he asked for a test. Even more so when I booked it and he didn’t attend… I wanted to avoid it coming up later on. @CrapBucket @LaurieFairyCake @SpinningFloppa @bluejelly

I think he’d have a worse view of your ex in that yes you didn’t claim Cms but also you didn’t refuse it.
His dad knew about him, you gave him the opportunity to get a test and he never offered you money for his son.

Its your ex who is the crappy one here, you’ve done nothing wrong other than focus on your ds.

Why will your DC think horrible of you? His dad was the one who walked away from his child, who did not engage with the paternity test that he asked for and has not made an effort to see or provide for his child since that time.

The money thing is an odd thing for a child to be asking about. Does your DC have social media? Is there a chance his father has made contact with him?

I think you should talk to the pastoral care person at your Ds's school and see if there is any access to counselling for him.
Then you should sit down and just say to him that you love him. You wanted him. You loved his father, but he left and there is nothing you can do about that.
I don't think there is anything to be gained from anything more than that for now.
If he can access counselling for himself that would be good, and maybe you could think about counselling for you, that might be good.
I am sorry. It sounds as if you have done your best.
This is why schools should talk with parents about whatever the sex ed is going to discuss. It would have given you a bit of a chance to think.

@Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic @Raidcandle i keep crying. It looks awful surely that I was asked to get a paternity test? I know it’s easy for me to spout here but bite the truth that I was very in love with the man, I had thought we were happy. I had no idea he would ask for a paternity test and I remember to this day the feeling when he asked me. I couldn’t believe it. Ds will never believe we had a loving relationship.. once he knows ex wanted a paternity test he will think it was a cheap and meaningless relationship, which it really wasn’t to me. Ds wasn’t convinced as a fling, I was in love (even if ex was pretending)

*concieved

I just worry when ds gets wind of paternity which he will if I claim cms and ex contests it… he will have such a horrible view of me and the relationship.

Why would you think this? You'd just explain to DS that it's the usual process when a claim for maintenance is being made when the father has been absent for a long time.

All you need to do here OP is the next right thing. That is to tell DS what you did, what you experienced, heard and saw. Don't make up motivations or excuses for your ex - if DS says "Why didn't he want to know me" then you simply say that you don't know, because you don't, and that it's your ex's loss.

Give your DS room to talk about his feelings, don't give him the impression that it'[s a taboo topic.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation yeah I could blame it on the process I didn’t think of that. Not mention ex having asked for it. Thanks!

I worry if ex ever did get involved what awful things he would say. I put my heart into that relationship and he turned out to be an utterly vile man. That’s the truth. But I’m sure he would tell a different tale. It’s very stressful.

Your friend is right and you should have claimed CM for DS. But you're also right that there's no point looking back and regretting. You should definitely claim going forward for DS... that is his money that he is entitled to from his father and, if you don't need it for day-to-day expenses, it can go into a savings account for uni/house deposit. 5 years should add up to a good amount, especially if his dad is earning a fair bit. You should at least look into this.

For the rest of it, I'd just give DS the truth from your perspective. You loved his dad, you thought he loved you but the relationship broke down and his dad chose not to be involved with DS, which is entirely his loss because he hasn't been around to see how fantastic DS has become.

@Goldbar what do I do if paternity comes up? He will think his mum is a slut and by 35 I had only had 3 partners, ex included! Obviously not something I want to say to ds but it’s just utterly wrong how the paternity test made me look.

This.
While it goes against the grain for your ex to get away with paying nothing, you’ve survived all these years, you’ve brought up your son well —- claiming cms could mean contact and that could be disastrous.
Id go with an edited version, your dad wasn’t ready to be a dad, I really wanted to be your mum. It’s sad that he’s chosen to miss out on your life but this happens a lot. Don’t over complicate it and answer his questions honestly but simply.

He'll realise what kind of a man his father is. He won't think badly of you.

Hopefully his dad wouldn't go so low as to insinuate that to DS, but I'd just tell DS that unexpectedly becoming a parent comes as a big shock to some people because it is such a huge financial and emotional responsibility and so they can't cope and try to pretend it's not happening to them until it's proved. But that you have no doubts because as far as you were concerned, you were in a committed relationship.

Tell him the truth, obviously protecting his feelings as much as possible. I understand you not wanting to rock the boat re paternity. But if you need the money please claim it. As others have said your son doesn’t need to think badly on you, just advise the process involved testing and he didn’t show up. I doubt he will want to get involved now, but you never know. Now the can of worms has opened do your best to reassure your son but you’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, it’s his absent father who has

I really think you are worrying too much op.
The man sounds like a total bastard. You tell ds that his Dad left you when you were pregnant and has never paid maintenance. If DS asks why, just say 'He was very difficult to deal with' this is the truth. If you feel you need to explain further then tell him you did ask for money and his father was difficult, making you jump through hoops such as getting a paternity test which there was no need for and he didn't even turn up for. You were struggling with new baby at the time and didn't have the heads pace to pursue it and didn't need someone being spiteful when you were so vulnerable.

Your ds isn't going to think badly of you. Are you feeling panicky about this because something happened at the time leading to his Dad to question paternity? I can't really get my head around why you would be so worried about this. Even if that was the case it's still nothing compared to fucking off and never having anything to do with your child. Surely all your ds will think is 'What a selfish prick my father was'.

Try and keep the talk about it minimal so that ds doesn't get any crazy ideas about contact with him. At this point I'm not sure I'd pursue for money in case he decided to try and have contact with your son which surely won't be a good thing for anyone. Your son will be upset, it's hard to grow up knowing one of your parents didn't love you enough to stick around but it won't ruin his life. I was bitter as a teenager and young adult but now realise I am a stronger women as a result of my absent father.