What on earth do I tell ds? :(

[Ameifa]

NC but regular poster. (Penis beaker, Sistine chapel etc!)

Dont know if I’m being emotional and reacting on the back of it but had a really rough week with ds who is 13. They had a sex ed class this week and a couple came in (music teacher who had been on maternity with her husband) and they talked about their own ‘journey’ to parenthood. This seems to have opened up a can of worms for ds, who’s been asking in detail about whether his dad was around when he was born and if not why not. He then asked whether his dad pays me anything..no idea whether he’s heard of cms or whether he’s got wind of something from a best friend whose parents are divorced.

I said we could talk about it properly over the weekend but the reality of it all is it’s a mess. I’ve never really spoken about it but confided fully in a friend as she was gobsmacked at my ex and said I’d wasted years of cms and that will impact ds which isn’t fair… not exactly helpful as I can’t backdate it if I claim now. Basically ex left me at 7mo pregnant. It was brutal, I nearly took my life I was so low. Just before I had ds I got in touch and asked about our arrangements, assuming he would want to be involved. I will never forget the response ‘paternity test or nothing happens.’ This from a man I thought I was going to marry only weeks before. I immediately agreed to get the test done, I was in shock. I told him the dates I could get to a clinic, he didn’t reply. I offered to go on four different occasions and he blanked me. I was so desperate for him to see ds that I never wanted to rock the boat and claim money, so I didn’t. He was on significant money then so now god knows… I sent him my bank details and said pay what you like when you can and anytime you want to see ds it’s fine. He didn’t reply other than to say I was pestering him. I left it and never heard from him ever again. I spent many long nights feeling broken. When ds was 5 I think I fully felt better and questioned going to cms but in a strange way the more I looked back on what happened over the years the less I wanted to even think about him let alone make contact with him even from a distance like cms. I now feel terrible about this after what my friend has said and I know on some level she is right, I’ve deprived ds.

There was no other woman and last heard a year ago there still isn’t, no other kids. He’s quite a difficult man to be with.

do I tell ds all of this? The whole truth? I’m so worried it will hurt him. Do I start claiming now? What if he makes ds have paternity test, that seems awful? I feel destroyed and like all the trauma has come up. For a long time I thought ex didn’t cope well and felt sorry for him but I feel very silly I didn’t take a harder line to all this. He broke me and now it’s affecting ds too.

Why do you think you need to mention the paternity test?
I'm an adopted mum so have had many difficult discussions with my son about his birth parents.
As you don't seem to have discussed it much with your son at this point I'd suggest you just start a conversation with him. No need to sit him down and give him chapter and verse.
So something on the lines of your dad left me when I was pregnant with you, sometimes grown up relationships are very complicated and they don't work out. I hoped your dad would still want a relationship with you but we couldn't work it out. Dad chose to step away and leave you with me.

If he asks about the money- Sometimes men like your dad try to avoid their responsibilities and you have to go to court. I decided not to because I was very hurt about your dad leaving and I just wanted to get on with being a good mum to you.
That's more than enough to start with. He really doesn't need to know the ins and outs of it all. As he matures you can give him more information if he asks for it. As he grows up he will realise for himself that grown up relationships are complicated.
Do you think he will want to try and have some contact with his dad? Does this worry you?

I would tell your son that you loved his dad but he ghosted you when pregnant and haven't spoken to him since you were 7m pregnant.
I wouldn't go into the paternity test bit but it's ok to say that he's never paid maintenance.

If you go to CMS then you can say that they want the paternity test so that they can make sure that the correct person is paying money or that they haven't contacted a different person with the same name.

Thanks all.

I think a lot of this is hard for me in a selfish way as it’s brought up so much of what was truly a horrendous time for me. I remember feeling completely worthless that he’d not gone ahead and done the test which he’d asked for… it made it seem like a game, you know?

as years have gone by I realise what a truly terrible person he was. He gave me drops of a relationship and was generally quite dysfunctional. Yet I did everything to keep us as a family, he wanted no involvement. To the point where he couldn’t even do the courtesy of letting me know his plans as to maintenance etc. I was scared to even indirectly contact him in the end, he was so unpredictable and as my friend has said this week, he was just plain cruel. I am embarrassed and ashamed at how little I respected myself. I should have claimed cms from the word go and he would have had his paternity test done then. I was just so broken at the time I ran away from it all in the hope he’d at least step up snd be a parent for ds.

I looked him up this evening and if his job title is anything to go by he’s on well above the 150k threshold and in so riled up after talking to my friend I wonder whether to go down that route too. If only I had taken that approach all that time ago.

@Ameifa

Just remember that you have supported and brought up your son on your own for 13 years. And that's hard.
Its natural that your son has curiosity about his father. The father whose actions speak volumes. Your son will see that.
Keep it factual, don't overload him with information. And remember how far you have come.
Good luck - these are not easy conversations.

You're really overthinking this. A paternity test request doesn't mean anything about you. That waste of space has gotten away with not paying anything for 13 years. The only person who looks bad in this situation is him. Put the claim in and tell your son his father wasn't ready to be a father so you had to doing the parenting for both.

I don’t get the panic about paternity tests. I think you’re overthinking it. If it comes up just say it’s standard practice and at a push bring up your ex being difficult.

Don’t be brutal but don’t lie. Like others say you don’t want your son to think badly of himself but don’t be a martyr and take blame you don’t deserve. I’m not sure I agree with some suggestions which sound like you’re equally to blame for the lack of contact.

At that level of salary, he'd be required to pay well over £1k per month. Over 5 years, that would add up to a very tidy amount for your DS when going off to uni/further study or buying his first house. His dad sounds like a complete waste of space but I think you're doing your DS a disservice by not claiming the money and I'm not entirely sure that you should treat it as being your choice to make.

Just double checking but you've raised your son without any help from his 'father', financially or otherwise and you think you're in the wrong for not claiming CM? You are quite clearly an absolute rock star of a parent, doing the job of two on the salary of one. You are the kind of parent that other people look up to and aspire to be like.

You're a coper, a doer and if you're having a wobble, well that happens but don't doubt for a second your creditentials as a number one parent, nay parent of the year. You are fantastic and frankly should be running the country.

Now off you pop and think of something sanitised to tell your son about his pointless shell of a father who you ought not to waste another second of your life thinking about. Then have a glass of wine and a cake because that's the absolute least you deserve you brilliant, amazing person.

Id imagine to a child it won't be any different to a dr's appointment. Don't overthink that one. It's just a swab.

Like other people have said, you're concentrating on the wrong thing - the paternity test. You're catastrophising something that may never happen and even if it did, the paternity test results will only go to prove that all your ex's allegations were/are ridiculous and your son will know the truth once and for all. Try change your mindset into thinking a paternity test could be a good thing. Do you want the rest of your lives haunted by the subject coming up over and over. Get it done, get the result your son deserves them move on.

Personally, I'd ignore your 'friend's' comments, I think she is being extremely harsh. You took the decisions at the time that were right for your and DS's welfare.

If you now feel like you need/want a financial contribution from your ex, I'd take some legal advice (most solicitors offer 30 or 60 minutes free consultation) and if you take it through the courts I think, firstly, there may well be a possibility of back pay and secondly, if you're worried about ex wanting contact/parental rights, the fact that he hasn't bothered his arse for 13 years will go against him. Your son is also of an age where his opinion on the matter will be taken into consideration and I don't think any judge would force contact at this age and given the history

Yet I did everything to keep us as a family,

You are still doing this, but with your son. Making poor decisions because you are afraid of rejection - really, why do you indulge yourself with this 'my son will think I am a slut' nonsense?

You need to start doing the right thing for your son, not the fearful, I'm-a-nice-but-oh-so-sad-girl thing for yourself. He has a father who has not paid a penny for him. That has cost your son. That needs correcting now.

Op you need to tell your son about his father. It’s not right not to. But you don’t need to tell him the gory details.

justtell him who his father is, his name, he has a right to know. Explain you were very much in love but it didn’t work out, that he took the decision not to be involved but didn’t explain why. But that it wasn’t about your son as he wasn’t even born yet. Tell him he didn’t pay as you never asked him to, but are putting in a claim now

don’t burden him with the mental illness element or paternity test, he doesn’t need that now. If the test comes up just tell him it’s part of the process and simply admin for the claim to go through.

make it easy on him.

Open cms. If you need to do paternity test that is for your ex to arrange. Put it on him. You've done nothing wrong. Tell your DS he is absolutely right but you hadn't had the emotional energy to chase but this is his money for his future so thank him for giving you the boot up the backside you needed. He had always been enough but practicalities are important and you were always truthful and fair.

Sending you OP. You are definitely overthinking though. I do feel strongly that you yourself would benefit from a block of a few therapy sessions just to go over all this with someone objective. You seem absolutely full of shame, riddled with fear and terrified of rejection as a pp said. No judgement from me about any of this - you will have your reasons- but it's time you took control over your life and stopped living in fear. You are not the bad guy in this story!!!

You sound like you've done an incredible job raising your son and you are amazing. The therapy might just help you to organise your thoughts and move forward positively.

”I was in love with your biological Dad and I thought he loved me. When I was pregnant, before you were born, he decided he didn’t love me, and he didn’t want to be a Dad. He hasn’t ever been part of your life. If you want to find out more about him when you are older, I’ll give you the information you might need to find him.”

Your son doesn’t need to know the details at this stage.

I would withhold the bits about his dad being a total dickhead and just say he was very busy work-wise or had his priorities wrong, etc. I’d be worried about him having an identity crisis at such a vulnerable age (teens are so impressionable, hormonal, etc) and thinking well if my Dad is a dickhead am I one too? Tell him the full truth when he’s older and really knows who he is as a person.

I had a similar situation and my lad was a little younger, he met his dad when he was 11 or 12 by 13 realised for himself the bloke was a dickhead. He's nearly 18 now and appreciates me and tells me all the time I get cards for mother and fathers day. He's a polite well adjusted young man. Due to us struggling for money (dickhead never paid a penny, stopped working )prepared to work hard and save for what he wants, He's set up self employed and laughs at me when I express guilt for not giving him the stuff I think he missed. His words for you are be the best mum you can be and a deadbeat dad means nothing.

We struggle more with a dickhead sperm doner than the kids.

I would explain to your son that you were in a relationship with his dad for x amount of time and that ds was a very much wanted baby by you but his dad felt he wasn’t ready for a baby and left you to bring him up all on your own. With no help.

ypu don’t need to explain the paternity test or cms money etc.

basics and don’t be so harsh on your self. You have been the one constant in your ds’s life.

Your friend is wrong and judgemental. The only one who has deprived your ds is his father. Apart from dragging him along by his toenails for a paternity test you did all you could.

Don’t get your DS embroiled in the CMS story. That’s not what he is asking about or is interested in. He just wants to know why his dad isn’t around. (I say this as someone who was in a similar position as a child.) Don’t overthink it. Tell him that your ex wasn’t ready to be a dad as some PPs have beautifully worded.

Only if you raised a nasty little misogynist, which it doesn’t sound like you did.
You know why this man wanted a test, because he was trying to escape his responsibilities and hoped it would put you off. He’s a prick, why would you think your son would automatically take his side?

I hope the weekend went OK OP.

If I were you I'd tell your DS that you had been in a relationship with his father, but unfortunately he didn't feel ready at the time to be a dad, so you broke up before he was born.

No, he hasn't paid anything towards you but that's OK - you don't need it to be able to provide him the happy home he has. (Leave whatever feelings you have had or have now about the lack of maintenance out of the discussion - your DS will be old enough before long to realise it's your ex that's a twat, not you)

He may start talking about getting in touch with his dad, so perhaps just ask him to think about it for a few weeks and to maybe draft him a letter or email in the first instance. If he then decides he does want to get in contact I would facilitate it, but say to him that he may still not be ready to be a Dad. Tell him that's by no means any reflection on him or you, and that it's his dad's loss, not your DS's.

If ex turns out to have some interest, then you can suggest he start paying maintenance now he's involved, and his response to that will tell you everything you and your DS need to know (though it's quite clear how that will go!).

One thing school will have taught him is that there are many different types of families - one mum, one dad, a mum and dad, mum and step dad, two mums, two dads, etc. Every family is unique in some way.

Good luck!