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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some advice

30 replies

FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/10/2022 10:41

Name changed.

Been with DP for 15 years. He's v successful. I gave up my career for kids and now have a good job earning very little.
He's really tight with £ and I hate it. He's also super stressed constantly by work.

He sets the tone of the house. Kids anxious when he's clearly grumpy. He shouts at them and is always on his phone.

He's often away for work so he's not around most weeks. Just weekends. He's the master of weapinised incompetence and the kids hate being late ( he's never on time and they hate arriving for their Saturday football late).

Not left for two reasons:
If he has contact then I can't control how he behaves towards the kids. I can't shield them if I'm not there.

I can't afford to buy him out of the house. My family can't help as aren't wealthy.

He has neglected our kids, me, our relationship and our planned future. I'm sad. I have hit a wall. Nothing changes.

How do I cope for the next few years until kids are finished school? Do I just chuck mine and the kids' security and move 4 hours away to live with my mum? Kids into a new school, new everything when all they know is our town and our amazing supportive friends? I feel so torn.

I have paperwork for ducks in a row but I know he will turn nasty and his parents will help him fuck me over financially. They are wealthy and they hate me.

I'm currently sitting at my desk (WFH) crying. What can I do?

Thabk you.

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 07/10/2022 11:20

Get an appointment with a solicitor. They often will give you a free initial appointment.

If you don’t have access to any money then perhaps Womens Aid.

This sounds like a terrible situation to be in. I think you should be 100% sure of your potential future financial position, before you decide you can’t afford to leave him.

Best of luck.

Toomanysleepycats · 07/10/2022 11:21

Sorry, I assumed you were married. Not sure how it works if you aren’t.

Newusernameaug · 07/10/2022 11:24

I was a child growing up anxious treading on egg shells when my dad was home - at 42 it still effects me and I think has a big part to play in why I’ve been single for most of my life - so please for the sake of your children do something sooner rather than later.

category12 · 07/10/2022 11:28

I think being able to give the children a peaceful, loving, restful home most of the time is better than a tense home all the time where you're trying to run interference, (but with the best will in the world you can't shield them from the constant atmosphere).

I think leaving would be best for you all.

StillSmallVoice · 07/10/2022 11:29

I was in a very similar situation. I also tried to shield my kids from the worst of it. They are now adults with significant mental health problems as a direct result.

Crunchingleaf · 07/10/2022 11:31

A different perspective on the kids. With you they can just be themselves and can relax. If they have to walk on eggshells when he is around then your not actually protecting them from anything. It will take a toll on you trying to manage the situation and honestly you will be a better mother when you are out of the situation. You will be a shell of a person if you stay for the kids.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/10/2022 11:32

Are you married?

If so, you are entitled to half of his pension which you can take in cash. You would most likely walk away with more than 50% of the assets.

Personally, I don't think it would be a good idea to uproot the children and change their schools.

KangarooKenny · 07/10/2022 11:33

Have you spoken to a solicitor ?
You might be able to stay in the house if he earns well.
And it would be financially advantageous if you split while the kids are younger.

RatherBeRiding · 07/10/2022 11:37

If you can make a new start with your mum, then I would do it. It sounds awful for the children - being tense when he's in a mood, being shouted at, being late for their activities because of him, walking on eggshells .... Yes it would be a big wrench leaving their friends and their school but at least they will be able to breathe again.

Neither option is brilliant to be honest, but don't underestimate the damage a dysfunctional household will be having on them. Children uproot all the time and settle in new areas and new schools - if they are happy and secure at home they will cope.

Original poster
FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/10/2022 11:39

Thank you. I had a similar childhood. Why I'm repeating history is beyond.

OP posts:
Original poster
FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/10/2022 11:39

Not married.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 07/10/2022 11:44

FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/10/2022 11:39

Not married.

But you are on the deeds ?
I’m not sure if you’d be allowed to move them that far away from dad ? Hopefully someone will know.
‘But if I were you, I’d go to your mum’s and make a new life for all of you.

Original poster
FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/10/2022 11:44

This is where I'm leaning.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2022 12:10

Stop worrying about his parents who can't do anything and do what's best for your kids. Staying in that house with that horrible man isn't it. You know the damage that's being done to them, you must put an end to it.

Dery · 07/10/2022 12:44

Which country are you in? If in England, then currently, because you’re not married, you personally are not legally entitled to financial support from him upon separation but your children are.

It’s different in some other jurisdictions and I know the law on rights of co-habiting couples is being looked at here because non-married SAHPs (mostly women) are so hugely disadvantaged.

It sounds like the atmosphere is wretched for your DCs but is there no alternative to moving them 4 hours away? He might make difficulties with that.

As regards assets: did you put any funds into the house purchase or significant improvements since? Have you paid anything towards the mortgage? If so, you might be entitled to a portion of the equity in the house. Simply having lived there won’t give you any rights to it though.

You’re going to need to increase your earning power but you will probably also be entitled to some benefits upon separation.

Original poster
FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/10/2022 12:57

Dery · 07/10/2022 12:44

Which country are you in? If in England, then currently, because you’re not married, you personally are not legally entitled to financial support from him upon separation but your children are.

It’s different in some other jurisdictions and I know the law on rights of co-habiting couples is being looked at here because non-married SAHPs (mostly women) are so hugely disadvantaged.

It sounds like the atmosphere is wretched for your DCs but is there no alternative to moving them 4 hours away? He might make difficulties with that.

As regards assets: did you put any funds into the house purchase or significant improvements since? Have you paid anything towards the mortgage? If so, you might be entitled to a portion of the equity in the house. Simply having lived there won’t give you any rights to it though.

You’re going to need to increase your earning power but you will probably also be entitled to some benefits upon separation.

Scotland. Unmarried. Almost 50/50 on house. Still 100k mortgage.
I've looked at UC and I'd get childcare costs covered. I can also up my hours.
Have contributed to mortgage and bills etc. He has his own money and he holds fucking tight to it. I know his folks give him cash for big purchases (ps4, Apple watch, new suits).
I buy own brand stuff, meal prep and he really try to keep costs as low as poss. He's incrediblely selfish!

OP posts:
Dery · 07/10/2022 14:20

That’s great to hear, OP - you’re in a much stronger financial position than first sounded and I’ve got a feeling Scottish law does recognise rights arising from co-habitation too. Anyway, sounds like you’re on top of all that.

Dery · 07/10/2022 14:21

Also sounds like you’ll be much happier away from him!

Loachworks · 07/10/2022 14:27

Whose name is the house in? Did he own it before you got together?

Original poster
FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/10/2022 17:39

Dery · 07/10/2022 14:20

That’s great to hear, OP - you’re in a much stronger financial position than first sounded and I’ve got a feeling Scottish law does recognise rights arising from co-habitation too. Anyway, sounds like you’re on top of all that.

True. It's just trying to get my head into the zone!

OP posts:
Original poster
FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/10/2022 17:40

Dery · 07/10/2022 14:21

Also sounds like you’ll be much happier away from him!

Absolutely! Thanks for your advice and kind words.

OP posts:
Original poster
FFSgetagripoldlady · 07/10/2022 17:41

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2022 12:10

Stop worrying about his parents who can't do anything and do what's best for your kids. Staying in that house with that horrible man isn't it. You know the damage that's being done to them, you must put an end to it.

Thank you. I needed to read this. My childhood was violent and my dad set the tone. Like I said, I'm doing the same as my mum did. I need out. She's still there!

OP posts:
category12 · 08/10/2022 17:41

Oh, if your mum is still with your violent dad, I would not move back there, that's kind of frying pan to the fire. Plus your dp might be able to stop you moving so far legally.

I'd get legal & financial advice about what you can expect and look to stay near friends.

Original poster
FFSgetagripoldlady · 19/10/2022 09:04

Small update.
I've got a meeting with a lawyer next week. I have a valuation of the house and an idea of settlement terms.
I feel so much better.
Thank you all for your comments. They gave me the guts to do this.

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 19/10/2022 09:11

Good luck with leaving it is definitely the right thing

You will be advised, however, that should you attempt to move the children’s schools and relocate four hours away then he will almost certainly lodge an urgent application for a Prohibited Steps Order. This will prevent you from doing both, if the Court agrees with him.

not wanting to put you off leaving as I think you should just that there are certain complications once children and family courts become involved