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Original poster

I want kids he’s not sure

36 replies

Turtle93 · 06/10/2022 22:47

I’ve been with other half for 5 years and we’re due to get married in 2 years. I am 30, he’s 34. On the whole our relationship is great, we enjoy each other’s company, make each other laugh and I feel like he’s there for me and supports me.

I’ve always tried to be upfront and honest and I have always said that I would love to have a child, and I first made this known to him about 2 years ago when our relationship was getting very serious and we were talking about our futures. He said he wasn’t ready (fair enough) but that it is something he can see in our future. I am at a point where I cannot stop thinking about becoming a mum, everyone around me it seems is pregnant to the point I’ve had to delete social media off my phone because it’s just making me sad.

I raised the subject with him again recently and he said he wasn’t sure if it was something he’d ever want. I was blindsided by this and was very honest and said if that was the case then I can’t marry him. He then said that he’d do anything I wanted and if it meant having a baby then we would do that. From what I can gather he is very afraid of having that responsibility and isn’t confident that he would be a good dad. I have tried to reassure him that he would be brilliant at it if only he’d believe in himself. But I can’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t really want it, best case he’s only half in it as a parent, worst case he resents me and regrets it down the line.

I don’t want to leave him but I feel deep down that he isn’t going to be ready. I have considered waiting until we get married and seeing then if that changes things for him but if he’s still not wanting to then, then it’s all the more complicated and that’s another 2 years gone.

sorry for the blather, I guess what I’m getting at is has anyone else been in this situation? How did you broach it? What happened to your relationship?

I know I should give him time but this is eating away at me. I’ve told him this but he doesn’t really have anything to say when I bring it up and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2022 22:51

You should walk away right now. He's telling you he doesn't want kids and you're not fully listening. You shouldn't waste one more day. You will deeply regret it if you do.

Successgirl2022 · 06/10/2022 23:00

I would ask him to start trying for a baby now.

If he doesn't agree, I would split with him and find a man who wants a baby/children with me.

Changer25 · 06/10/2022 23:07

You have to properly listen to what he wants. Has he got male friends with kids he can talk it through with. If he had a child, he may think it’s the best thing to happen OR he may regret it, resent you, leave you to do it all or walk away in the future.

what happens if you leave & don’t find anyone and end up childless. Will you wish you rode it out and chanced that he does have a change of heart

Original poster
Turtle93 · 07/10/2022 00:08

Successgirl2022 · 06/10/2022 23:00

I would ask him to start trying for a baby now.

If he doesn't agree, I would split with him and find a man who wants a baby/children with me.

I asked him a couple of weeks ago if we could start trying, explaining that it was unlikely to happen straight away. It was a firm no from him.

I don't want to believe that he never wants children but it is starting to feel that way and if it was one of my friends I know what I'd be telling them.

OP posts:
KosherDill · 07/10/2022 00:15

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2022 22:51

You should walk away right now. He's telling you he doesn't want kids and you're not fully listening. You shouldn't waste one more day. You will deeply regret it if you do.

This.

Why on earth would you foist a reluctant, pressured and eventually resentful father on your offspring instead of finding a man who deeply wants children??? Don't you owe that to your potential sons or daughters?

So selfish and lazy to reproduce with someone under duress. And the root of so many societal problems.

Original poster
Turtle93 · 07/10/2022 00:20

KosherDill · 07/10/2022 00:15

This.

Why on earth would you foist a reluctant, pressured and eventually resentful father on your offspring instead of finding a man who deeply wants children??? Don't you owe that to your potential sons or daughters?

So selfish and lazy to reproduce with someone under duress. And the root of so many societal problems.

Show quote history

I don't disagree. I would want the father of my children to WANT to be the father of my children. I had a shit dad that didn't want me so I don't want to put someone else in that position.

Knowing OH he would stay and make the best of it but I'd never know if he was truly happy and that's what frightens me

OP posts:
dailyfup · 07/10/2022 00:26

He's 34.
He knows he doesn't want children.
And that stuff about I'll do whatever you want is bullshit... because when a child arrives he'll resent the situation because he didn't want a child and then he can say things like "You wanted the child. I told you I didn't" etc.

I think you should leave.

Dataoverloaded · 07/10/2022 00:45

Don't waste any more time on him. I know it's devastating but he's told you clearly where he stands and it is your choice whether to accept it or not. Getting over this, finding someone new and getting to the point where you feel ready to have children will take time. You have that time now but if you let this drag on you might miss out altogether. __

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2022 00:48

You must leave now. He doesn’t want kids.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 07/10/2022 00:57

I think you need to sir down and have a serious chat with him about it. Don't knee jerk and leave. Have an open honest chat. It's very easy to say "leave him", but just remember there are no guarantees - you may not meet anyone for a long time. You may meet someone straight away. Just don't rush into any decision and have a talk

Addicted2LoveIsland · 07/10/2022 00:57

Sit* down

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2022 01:09

She’s already had a serious chat with him.

CherryGenoa · 07/10/2022 01:16

It sounds as though you’ve already had a serious discussion so I would leave him, take some time to heal then get on Bumble. See what happens.

KosherDill · 07/10/2022 01:17

Millions of women have thought he would stay and make the best of it.

And been utterly wrong, to the detriment of their poor children.

Geppili · 07/10/2022 04:25

Leave

jellybeanjc · 07/10/2022 05:27

My husband married his ex thinking she would change her mind / start opening up to the idea once they were married. Sounds similar to you. She admitted she knew all along she didn't want them and they started divorce proceedings (v expensive).

It's all worked out for us- we're now married and expecting, but they both suffered more than was necessary because they didn't face facts before their wedding...

I urge you, OP, to have a frank, honest and brutal conversation about this before you waste years waiting for him to make a decision that will be unlikely to end up aligning with your desires anyway.

Best of luck! xx

Addicted2LoveIsland · 07/10/2022 09:32

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2022 01:09

She’s already had a serious chat with him.

No she said she "raised the subject" that's totally different to a serious chat IMO.

Phrenologistsfinger · 07/10/2022 09:35

Yes and I left. My biggest regret is not leaving sooner! I met someone new at 35, started ttc at 37 and many losses and IVF rounds it is looking like kids aten’t our future. Why? Poor egg quality due to age! Even at 37!

Don’t make my mistakes. No man is worth losing your fertility for.

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 07/10/2022 09:41

Please don't have a baby with him before you're married.

As pp have said, a real make it break chat is needed now.

If you both decide that having children is something you both want, bring your marriage forward and do it this year and start TTC.

If he's still not sure, the ball's in your court, but if having a child is something you want, don't let someone else decide your future.

He has as much right to not want children as you have to want them. What he doesn't have the right to do is string you along until it's too late for you.

Original poster
Turtle93 · 07/10/2022 09:54

I appreciate everyone's honest posts, I really do.

I think I need to really sit down with him and go through this again, we have had multiple conversations recently, he knows where I'm at and that not wanting kids is a dealbreaker. I won't have a child with someone who is only doing it because they don't want to lose me.

The way I see it he has known for 2 years now that I have wanted children and would have been ready to TTC at any point he wanted to (which I have said to him directly multiple times over the last 2 years)

It comes across as though he has barely given it a second thought with no regard for the time we've invested in each other. He has a few friends that have recently become fathers but he doesn't seem interested in learning about their experiences. I really don't think he wants this.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/10/2022 10:13

Don't wait until you're married. This is something you need to be on the same page about before marriage.

You have plenty of fertile years left at 30 - but it is a time limited window of opportunity. Don't waste years of your life on someone who doesn't want a family when you know you want children.

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 10:21

He doesn't want children and he doesn't believe it's a dealbreaker because you're telling him that but not following through. Cancel the wedding.

Kentgirl2525 · 07/10/2022 11:19

He’s 34 and plenty old enough to know he doesn’t want children.
you’re only 30 and you have plenty of time to meet the right person and have children so don’t fret. Just don’t waste time with someone who doesn’t want the same as you.
I’ve been in exactly this position several times! I knew if I’d gotten pregnant it wouldn’t last with them and I’d have ended up becoming a single mum which would’ve been my own fault. I left several relationships due to this and although heartbreaking at first I got through it and moved on and now I barely remember those relationships in my early 30s.
I met a great guy on the same wavelength last year and now pregnant at nearly 39 having never thought it would happen!
so at 30 you’re in a great position in taking your time to meet someone and have a baby with but do it properly and don’t rush into anything and you will have that life you want! You have to get your life right for you 👍

Amijustagrump · 07/10/2022 11:53

Oh bless you OP, I would say walk away. I had a similar situation and I did and he decided he wanted me and kids more than losing me, however I was fully aware that might not have happened. We now have DS and another baby on the way and have been lucky but if he hadn't changed his mind that would have been it. My babies are the best things in my life and I couldn't give that idea up for him.

Sending hugs x

NunAyaBizniz · 07/10/2022 12:01

You’ve been together 5 years and are in your 30s. Either he wants to marry you and have children now or he doesn’t.

If he doesn’t, don’t waste any more time with him.